"Medical Bills"

Joe Paterno has been fired as head coach at Penn State. If anybody, he should be replaced by Chris Hansen.

The bed Michael Jackson died in will be up for auction. Children not included.

A poll says that sick people are more likely to be in debt from medical bills. The same poll says that if you eat at McDonald's frequently, you are more likely to be fat.

Travel experts say that people who travel around Christmas time should expect higher air fares and crowded planes. Oh, and you thought those blankets were expensive before.

A UK woman was cured of her fear of stairs through hypnotherapy. And by a friend of hers putting one million dollars at the top.

The porn industry has gotten the go ahead to have its own domain designation of “.xxx”. However, the first website to transfer to .xxx was Penn State's athletic website.

Steve Jobs has been nominated as Time’s Person of the Year. How is he going to accept the award?

A study says that women suffer quicker brain damage from alcohol abuse. This study is entitled "Lindsay Lohan".

Herman Cain recently said that he's "been through hell". Well gee, I hope he has a lady friend who can comfort him.

That's all I have for today! More coming later!

"Nude Photos"

President Obama’s approval rating in California has dropped to a record low. You know something's up when drug abusers don't like a black guy.

The FBI is investigating the release of nude photos allegedly hacked from the cell phone of actress Scarlett Johansson. It's Scarlett Johansonn; how is this a crime?

SAT scores for the class of 2011 are the lowest on record. You're welcome.

Kirstie Alley says she has lost 100 pounds. She found it a day later.

Drug cartels in Mexico are killing people who denounce them on social media. I think the new dislike button is the trigger on a revolver.

Michael Jackson has reportedly made $310 Million since his death. I wonder how he's going to spend the money.

Scientists say that laughter makes us feel good because it emits endorphins. Of course, people who read my jokes have no idea what that feels like.

Nicolas Cage says he was the victim of an incident several years ago where a naked man wearing a leather jacket was standing over his bed eating a fudgesicle. This is what most people refer to as "a hallucination".

A study says that body odor could be a product of a person’s genes. This can only mean one thing: my dad was a hobo.

That's all I have for today! I'm staying after all. Anyway, more tomorrow!

"Hesitant Speech"

An Italian butcher was arrested for selling ten year old meat. Didn't Michael Jackson used to love that stuff?

A 9 year old New Mexico boy is planning to make a solo flight in a balloon. And to keep with tradition, he's going to hide in the attic instead.

Prince Harry has been promoted to Captain in the Air Corps. He's extremely nervous; this is the first job he's ever had.

Tiger Woods says that golf has taught him a lot about life. It certainly taught him that putting balls in the hole was okay.

A study says that hesitant speech may help kids learn new words. You know what this means? President Obama is the human dictionary.

Cincinnati Reds pitcher Mike Leake was arrested for shoplifting from a Macy's. Finally, a convicted criminal that plays Cincinnati sports, and isn't a Bengal.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Staying Single"

Today, Feb. 11, is National Satisfied Staying Single Day. Or, as I call that, Valentine's Day.

Egypt’s Pres. Mubarak handed much of his power to his vice president, Omar Suleiman. To Egyptians, this is a dream come true. To Americans, that would be straight up awful if that happened.

Donald Trump has hinted that he may run for president in 2012. And you thought Meg Whitman spent a shitload of money on her campaign.

Clay Matthews will be a presenter at the upcoming Grammy Awards. It's either that, or Lady Gaga will be wearing a Packers jersey. Not like anybody will be able to tell the difference.

A report says that Viagra prescriptions reach a high the week before Valentine’s Day. I wonder why...

Australian scientists have developed a “thinking cap” that reportedly makes people more creative by running an electrical current into their brain. When the device worked, the scientists were shocked.

Michael Jordan practiced with his Charlotte Bobcats and reportedly still looked good. In fact, the Cleveland Cavaliers are asking Michael Jordan to play for them.

A new procedure provides a way for people to hear with their nose. I wonder what it's like to tell that person a secret.

Lindsay Lohan says she would consider a plea deal over felony grand theft charges if it includes no prison time. She's a celebrity. She's not getting jail time either way.

Donald Trump says the U.S. has become a “laughing stock”. Hey Donald, I'm sure your hair had something to do with that.

Former “American Idol” finalist Justin Guarini will join the Broadway production of “American Idiot”. So he went from American Idol to American Idiot. Like Paula Abdul.

Janet Jackson says she felt ugly and unattractive when she was younger. But the ugliest woman in the family is still Michael.

The college professor who had a camera implanted in the back of his head has had it removed. When he said "I have eyes in the back of my head", he wasn't kidding.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Banished Words"

It is officially 2011. People think this will be a year of promise. That is, until an attention-seeking dumbass screws it all up.

A new report says that one-third of 9-month-olds are obese or overweight. You know that cute baby you call chubby? Well, you're wrong. It's just fat.

Lake Superior State University has come up with a list of "banished words", which consists of words that they call "misused". This story is completely true. I googled it.

This just in: the "Coptic" Church has been renamed the "Coptic-tic-tic-tic-tic" Church.

New reports are saying that children think marriages are not meant to last very long due to all the celebrity divorces. In fact, this is having such a drastic effect on the children that they want divorces from their pedophile spouses.

Haiti has reportedly suffered a year of crisis with nobody in charge. Kind of like the Gosselin household.

Discovery Channel has indefinitely postponed the broadcast of a show that was going to re-enact Michael Jackson's autopsy. Discovery Channel added that they wanted to air a show that was bearable to watch.

Oprah Winfrey's new channel, OWN, has been launched. Critics say that viewers of the channel will be on the edge of their seats. They will also be looking under them.

New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson has refused a pardon for outlaw Billy the Kid. Billy the Kid died 120 years ago. How is it going to matter?

Pittsburgh University fired football coach Mike Haywood on Saturday after he was arrested for domestic violence. Who does this guy think he is, an NFL star?

Slugger and first baseman Derrek Lee has signed a contract with the Baltimore Orioles. He is obviously not looking to win a World Series.

TCU has defeated Wisconsin in the Rose Bowl. Take that, BCS!

That's all I have for today! Well, one down, 364 to go. More tomorrow!

"Prop 19"

Prop 19, which called for the legalization of marijuana in California, did not pass yesterday. This is terrible news for stoners who still don't notice the difference.

Three US astronauts on the International Space Station cast their ballots on Tuesday. These votes did not have any weight on the election.

Indonesia’s erupting Mt. Merapi volcano forced the cancellation of numerous international flights. So numerous international flights did not fly. And then a volcano erupted.

The 49ers rallied to beat the Broncos at Wembley Stadium in London, Sunday, in front of 84,000 fans. Unfortunately, 83,000 of those fans thought they were going to watch a different football.

The Magic-Knicks game at Madison Square Garden was postponed after debris fell from the rafters. The debris fell faster than the Knicks' winning percentage.

A 17 year old stowaway in Siberia survived a flight in a plane's landing gear. And his ride was the most comfortable of anybody in the plane.

The midterm election turnout is expected to break records. One record: the most suicides due to being annoyed by attack ads.

A report says that Billy Ray Cyrus and his wife Tish ended their marriage after she had an affair with Bret Michaels. And after Billy Ray Cyrus had an affair with his daughter.

The lawyer of Brooke Mueller says her husband Charlie Sheen humiliated her. Isn't being married to Charlie Sheen humiliating enough?

Janet Jackson says in an interview that she never wanted to be a singer. If only Michael had that same revelation.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Disillusionment And Divorce"

Joke of the Day: A new study says that Detroit, Los Angeles, and Cleveland are the most stressful places to live. Especially if you are a sports fan.

Tropical Storm Hermine, which formed in the western end of the Gulf of Mexico, is expected to reach South Texas by Tuesday. It's almost as if that hurricane is oil.

A study says that happiness can increase with a person’s income, up to about $75,000. And they said money can't buy happiness.

President Obama is getting fewer judges seated than any President since Richard Nixon because of Republican stall tactics. And when it comes to stall tactics, who is any better than Republicans?

The attorney for the JetBlue flight attendant who had a meltdown on board a plane says his client resigned and was not fired. Who is this guy, a Major League Baseball manager after a bad call?

Many companies are allowing employees to take naps at work to increase production. One of the companies included: the White House.

Joe Jackson is defending how he disciplined Michael as a child, saying he was so strict in order to keep him out of neighborhood gangs. Unfortunately, he wasn't strict enough to keep him from working at a day care center.

A study has found that people who believe they are “soul mates” are at a high risk for disillusionment and divorce. This study was conducted in Hollywood.

A Toronto Blue Jays fan was hit by a letter falling from a sign. The letter was "F", and it came from the Blue Jays' report card.

Scientists say they have found a new species of turtle in Mississippi. Apparently this turtle is different because it reproduces inside the family.

New Orleans Saints running back Reggie Bush may have his Heisman trophy taken away from him. It's the first time that something of great value was taken away from Reggie and not given to him.

That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!

"Unsanitary Conditions"

Joke of the Day: FIFA admits its new soccer ball may be bad. In fact, it's so bad that the only thing worse than the soccer balls are the referees.

A tropical storm named Alex is moving into the Gulf of Mexico, which may cause hundreds of people to evacuate. People haven't ran from Alex since the last time I did stand-up.

Martin Ginsburg, husband of Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, has died at the age of 78. His death was caused by metastatic cancer, old age, and staring at Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Michael Jackson has sold an estimated 35 million albums worldwide since his death one year ago. None of which are photo albums.

BP station owners say that they’re victims of the oil spill. Mainly because they aren't down in the Gulf of Mexico helping out.

The U.S. has unveiled a plan that will make Internet transactions safer. It's called, "Shutting down Craigslist".

The FDA says that airline food is often prepared in unsafe and unsanitary conditions. Otherwise known as "airplanes".

President Obama is so mad about what General McChrystal said about him that he has also fired Jay Leno, David Letterman, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Craig Ferguson, George Lopez...

FINALLY FROM COMEDY WRITER FRIEND ISRAEL CARRASCO
A UK woman is claiming to be carrying Landon Donovan's "love child". This proves once again that even when he scores, he still loses.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!