"Hesitant Speech"

An Italian butcher was arrested for selling ten year old meat. Didn't Michael Jackson used to love that stuff?

A 9 year old New Mexico boy is planning to make a solo flight in a balloon. And to keep with tradition, he's going to hide in the attic instead.

Prince Harry has been promoted to Captain in the Air Corps. He's extremely nervous; this is the first job he's ever had.

Tiger Woods says that golf has taught him a lot about life. It certainly taught him that putting balls in the hole was okay.

A study says that hesitant speech may help kids learn new words. You know what this means? President Obama is the human dictionary.

Cincinnati Reds pitcher Mike Leake was arrested for shoplifting from a Macy's. Finally, a convicted criminal that plays Cincinnati sports, and isn't a Bengal.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Moving To Florida"

After years of growth, Las Vegas is losing people who can't find work and think they will have better luck elsewhere. No wonder they have so many hookers.

A survey says that many Americans don't realize how fat they are. Maybe because we are too lazy to go to the doctor and find out.

The Balloon Boy's family is moving to Florida from Colorado. Of course, the six-year old boy will travel all by himself without his family knowing where he is.

A historian says that Winston Churchill targeted Benito Mussolini for assassination to cover for some embarrassing letters he wrote the Italian leader. If this applied today, Tiger Woods would have murdered all his mistresses.

Some German school children were accidentally given some pens with pornographic pictures on them as part of a gift bag from the Communist Party. What happened to the old days where students only saw their teachers naked?

An antidepressant patch does not help smokers quit as it was hoped. How about an anti-smoking patch?

Kara DioGuardi is officially leaving “American Idol”, saying it is the “best time to leave”. What makes it the best time to leave is that everybody else wanted her to leave.

A Consumer Reports survey rates McDonald’s hamburgers as the worst tasting of any chain. This could change the restaurant of choice for up to three people.

Lindsay Lohan bumped into a stroller while driving her Maserati. The question is, why can't people give Lindsay Lohan a car with a breathalyzer?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Like Nazi Germany"

Joke of the Day: Brett Favre says his injured ankle is not the number one factor in his decision for next year. The deciding factor will be whether or not he has the ability to even make a decision.

A majority of people in Arizona say they feel the new immigration law will reduce crime. At least, the Mexican crime rate.

“Family Guy” creator Seth MacFarlane says the Arizona immigration law is like Nazi Germany. Now I'm just waiting for a flashback to prove his point.

A study says that six in ten Americans live where air pollution is at dangerous levels. The other four have decided to move out of Los Angeles.

Denver voters will go to the polls to say if they think the government has covered up the existence of aliens. I say yes. The last time people in Colorado saw a UFO, the government said that a six-year old boy was inside.

A new study says that nasal spray can make men more empathetic. The same study says that the use of nasal spray in public can make men look more pathetic.

Teen sensation Justin Bieber says that had he not become famous already, he would have tried out for “American Idol.” If that were the case, he would have to wait 12 years until he was old enough.

A new study says that frogs can be similar to humans. Especially when a princess kisses one.

Swedish golfer Jesper Parnevik says Tiger Woods is not welcome at his house. Why would Tiger go to Jesper's house? After all, Tiger does have millions of dollars.

The Washington Nationals are going to promote Stephen Strasburg from Double-A to Triple-A. In other words, welcome to the Washington Nationals!

That's all for today! More tomorrow!