"Viagra Condom"

President Obama said the SEAL’s raid of the bin Laden compound was “the longest 40 minutes of my life.” And he hasn't even been to my standup shows.

A British biotech firm has created the “Viagra condom”. If you're taking Viagra, you probably won't need a condom to begin with.

Singer Whitney Houston has entered an outpatient rehab program. If she stays three more times, she gets to stay free at her next visit.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says the U.S. doesn’t see China’s economic growth as a threat. She clearly hasn't been to a Walmart recently.

A study says that 4 in 10 women over the age of 85 are showing signs of early dementia. The other 6 already have full blown dementia.

Apple is now the world’s most valuable company, worth an estimated $153 Billion. What do you expect from a company whose CEO's last name is "Jobs"?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"National Beer Day"

Today is National Beer Day. Isn't that called "St. Patrick's Day"?

A husband and wife playing golf together in Brazil made holes-in-one on the same hole within seconds of each other. A husband and wife playing on the same hole at the same time. Isn't that called a threesome?

A man in Maryland was apparently glued to a toilet seat at Walmart. He was in Walmart, angry, and nowhere to be found. Just like their greeter.

Archaeologists say that the story of a gay caveman was overblown. Could you possibly find a more poor choice of words?

Prince William's bride, Kate Middleton, is reportedly still a virgin. I'm sure there are a lot of guys that would LOVE to change that.

Eight people died as a result of a bomb that hit an election office in Nigeria. The bomb was so devastating, Nigerian ambassadors stopped sending us spam emails for a whole two hours.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Common Forgetfulness"

A poll says 37% of Americans believe the economy will get worse in the next year. How could the economy get worse when it's already hit rock bottom?

A California man sentenced to jail smuggled in a cell phone, MP3 player, marijuana, tobacco and $140 in his rectum. And that was only the second weirdest thing to be in his butt all day.

Bret Michaels says he taught Charlie Sheen how to trash a hotel room. Is it really that hard to figure out?

Scottish scientists are set to launch a study on what causes common forgetfulness. I think that it's... wait, what was I just talking about?

Tonight’s full Moon will be the biggest in appearance in the past 18 years as the moon will be unusually close to the Earth. Scientists say it is the biggest moon they've ever seen since the last episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

406 pound Sumo wrestler Kelly Gneiting says he hopes to become the heaviest man to ever finish a Marathon race. At that weight, he'd be lucky to run 26.2 feet.

Wal-Mart stores in California have reached a goal of sending only 20% of their waste to landfills. You know what I call trash at Wal-Mart? The greeter.

Japanese officials said that they have found radiation in their spinach. Hey, at least nobody in America is going to be affected by this.

President Obama said that if Libyan President Moammar Qaddafi does not stop killing his own people, there will be consequences. For instance, U.S. officials are going to send Qaddafi to Japan without any clothes.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Cold Weather"

Today at sunset the traditional Chinese Lunar New Year 4709 begins; it is the Year of the Rabbit. In a related story, Elmer Fudd hates China.

CNN's Anderson Cooper was beaten up in Egypt. Usually, if someone from CNN is beaten up, it's by a guy from FOX News.

An Italian researcher says it was an effeminate male who posed for Leonardo da Vinci’s famous “Mona Lisa” painting. I didn't know Clay Aiken was that old.

Medical researchers have trained a Labrador retriever to sniff out colon cancer in their patients. This only adds to the stereotype of dogs sniffing butts.

Conan O'Brien accidentally walked into Jennifer Aniston's dressing room while she was half-naked. This just in, every guy over 40 in America wishes they were Conan.

A new study says that college isn't for everyone. Especially people who have a dream of working at Walmart.

A golf tournament in Arizona was canceled because of cold weather. In fact, Arizona officials say that it was so cold, temperatures reached as low as 50 degrees.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Trying To Lure"

The woman who was the first trainer for the Obama’s dog Bo has died. Her casket will lie in state on the White House's front lawn.

Auburn’s BCS National Championship Trophy will be on display at Wal-Mart stores in Alabama and Georgia. I didn't know NCAA football has become this white trash.

In May, Starbucks will introduce its largest cup size, the 31-ounce "Trenta". And you thought the prices were outrageous before.

The LA Clippers defeated the LA Lakers in a game that featured four late-game ejections. And if you thought that was interesting, the Jumbotron showed pictures of hell freezing over.

The Canadian Open is trying to lure Tiger Woods to play by having people tweet him messages. They are just hoping that Tiger doesn't see the double meaning.

A reality show based on the video game Pac-Man is in the works. However, Americans figured that if they wanted to see a beautiful girl get eaten by ghosts, they could just watch "The Bachelorette".

The Washington man who went on a two month potato only diet, Chris Voigt, has been named the National Potato Council’s Potato Man of the Year. His mother must be so proud.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Paid Less"

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange suggests that President Obama should resign from office. That's like Mel Gibson calling you a racist.

Kate Gosselin and her brood made a very special visit to “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” cable show. Gosselin is glad to know that her show isn't the only piece of crap on TLC.

The Supreme Court will consider throwing out a case against Wal-Mart claiming women are paid less than men. Wal-Mart workers were stunned upon hearing the fact that women get paid.

Walmart has teamed up with the Department of Homeland Security to implement a program called "if you see something say something" which is aimed at reporting suspicious or terrorist activities. If you ask the terrorists about it, they are going to defend themselves by saying, "Don't ask, and don't tell".

The Census Bureau projects the population of the U.S. to be between 305-312 Million people. That's not even counting the number of Levi Johnston's children.

A study says that country boys are more well endowed than city boys. How would you like to be one of the city boys who participated in that study?

A private school in Florida is letting students set their own agenda with no teachers, lesson plans or homework. In other news, student enrollment at that school has gone up 97%.

A musical production of “American Psycho” is in the works for a run on Broadway. In fact, Mel Gibson has already sent in an audition tape.

AOL is planning a possible merger with Yahoo!. Apparently these people haven't realized that when you mix crap with crap, it's still crap.

An Australian study says that one in five men approaching 100 still consider sex important. The Australian University credited: the Tasmanian Medical Institute, or T.M.I.

President Obama says the U.S. is facing a new “Sputnik moment” in the world of science. What does that mean? Is Russia beating us again?

A study says that men become nicer after they are married. This study was not conducted by married women.

Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has undergone surgery for a broken nose. Women all across America were excited to hear "Ben Roethlisberger has a broken bone" until they found out it was just his nose.

A study says that organized sports don’t give kids enough exercise. The participants in this study included benchwarmers.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Related To Sarah Palin"

In an effort to be bio-friendly, Walmart will sell pet products made from trash. Don't they already do that?

Google is investing $5 billion in an offshore wind project. Isn't Google blowing this out of proportion?

The Wall Street Journal reports that Wall Street companies will pay employees $144 billion this year, breaking a record for the second year in a row. And that money is just to the CEOs.

Members of the Cherokee Nation who have access to iPhones can now text each other in their native language. Now, their newest problem: finding someplace that has service.

The Chinese company making Apple’s iPhones is being criticized with allegations of worker abuse. Chinese workers are looking for ways to heal their boo-boos.

A new study says that if California legalizes marijuana it won’t hurt the drug cartels because Californians already grow their own pot. Do you want proof that pot is actually grown? Look in Lindsay Lohan's shoe and Paris Hilton's mouth.

A New Zealand TV host resigned after mocking the name of Indian official Sheila Dikshit. He should have resigned. After all, he had no right to mock the name "Sheila".

A former sports agent says he paid Ryan Leaf $10,000 when he was still in college. You know who represents this guy now? Reggie Bush.

Genealogy reports say that Barack Obama is related to Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh. Somebody better put the President under suicide watch.

Snooki from "Jersey Shore" is going to do some community service. Hopefully it involves her not being on TV.

A set of John Lennon's fingerprints being auctioned for at least $100,000 was seized by the FBI. The creepy part about all this: the only place they could find fingerprints were on Yoko Ono's skin.

Warren Buffett says that "Pain will be felt for a long time" as the economy recovers. Unless you are Warren Buffett.

The Supreme Court will rule on a case that asks if terrorist laws apply to when a wife attacks her husband. Who would have thought that Elin Nordegren would have been worse off than Tiger Woods?

House Minority Leader John Boehner says if the GOP takes control of Congress they will cut spending weekly. Exactly what is the problem with that?

A man who tried to streak in front of President Obama was doing it to cash in on an offer of a million dollars from a British website. The speech involved a guy who made himself look like an idiot and didn't care what anybody thought. And a naked guy was there, too.

Twitter is targeting one billion users. One billion people have used it; kind of like Paris Hilton.

A study says the fastest growing areas in the country show a big income drop. Mainly because of people we call "illegal immigrants".

The coach of the Detroit Lions is denying his team tried to run up the score in a 44-6 win over the Rams. Football fans were shocked. The Lions know how to score touchdowns?

That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!

"Three Errors"

GOP strategist Karl Rove says the Obama White House has developed an “enemies list”. Okay, Karl, let's be fair. It's not like Dick Cheney didn't do the same thing.

A new study says living under a flight path may be bad for your heart. The best place to live: the runways where airplanes are actually supposed to land.

A survey in Britain found that people over the age of 52 are grumpy. Especially when people tell them that they should go to the dentist.

Atlanta Braves second baseman Brooks Conrad’s three errors Sunday against the Giants cost the Braves the game. The last person with that many errors within a span of three hours: President George W. Bush.

Wal-Mart is ending their profit sharing plan with employees. This marks the first time in history that "Wal-Mart", "profit", and "employees" have all been used in the same sentence.

A Michigan man is planning to ride a Harley-Davidson motorcycle 300 miles with no hands. Funeral arrangements have been set for Thursday.

Carly Fiorina and Meg Whitman were downing shots of Tequila at a Hispanic award gala. Apparently it was a drinking game. They would take shots for every time they saw one of Meg Whitman's employees.

A study says that poverty is growing in American suburbs. Who knew poverty could get worse?

The PBA is planning to start using instant replay in its matches. This is expected to have a profound effect on both people who still watch the PBA.

A survey by Fidelity Investments says that one quarter of investors would now be happy to break even. Isn't that called "playing in a casino"?

A study says that 18% more people are taking painkillers at work. Apparently these people just found out what it's like to have a boss.

That's all I have for now! More later!

"Known And Unknown"

After stating that illegal immigrants worked around his house, Colin Powell now says he doesn’t hire illegals. Anymore.

Washington says the recession ended in June of 2009. Good luck getting the rest of us to agree.

Wal-Mart says it will aggressively build a new version of its stores, much smaller than its supercenters. Won't it be kind of difficult to ship buildings from China?

Leonard Skinner, the high school gym teacher whose name inspired the band name Lynyrd Skynyrd, died recently. In response, the community held a cigarette lighter vigil.

Donald Rumsfeld's memoir called "Known and Unknown" will be released in January. However, the release was delayed after it was discovered that Pastor Terry Jones had already taken that title.

The UK is proposing that all paychecks go to the government which will then be distributed after all taxes are taken out. Isn't that called socialism?

A Chicago man has been charged with plotting to detonate a bomb near Wrigley Field. The bomb was labeled "Cubs playoff chances".

Harvard Economics Professor Mark Feldstein says raising taxes would cause a recession. It's nice to know that this professor finally came out of his coma.

Moral search engines are being created by religious groups to "squeeze out" the sin on the Internet. That's like trying to "squeeze out" the racism of Mel Gibson?

A study says that the common cold virus could be making kids fat. Who knew McDonald's employees were sick in the first place?

Paris Hilton is admitting the cocaine found in her purse belonged to her. In another horrible attempt at timeliness, Al-Qaeda is admitting to being behind 9/11.

Boeing is developing a solar powered unmanned plane that could fly for five years without landing. Of course, most planes nowadays take five years just to take off from the runway.

That's all I have for today! Let's just pray that I make it to iPhunny! More jokes coming tomorrow!

"Trademark Suspenders"

Joke of the Day: Larry King is leaving CNN. He will always be remembered for his trademark suspenders and oversized round glasses. And also by his nickname, "Steve Urkel".

An Israeli professor has created a new birth control pill for men. This is perfect for men who are too lazy to put on a condom.

Ex tennis prodigy Jennifer Capriati had an overdose after finding out her boyfriend, Dale Dabone was returning to making adult films. What do you expect from a guy named Dabone?

A man who uses medical marijuana for cancer says Walmart fired him after a positive testing for the drug. And also because he tested negative for lead.

General Mills says sales of cereals and other foods are down and that their earnings are below Wall Street’s expectations. You know you suck when you aren't even good enough to satisfy Wall Street.

Lingerie model Larissa Riquelme pledged to run naked through the streets if her native country Paraguay wins the World Cup. Yeah, and that'll happen the day soccer refs allow a U.S. goal to actually count.

Men with facial hair are perceived by women to be more “wild” in the bedroom. Or, as I call them, "Sex offenders".

Kim Kardashian is getting a wax figure at Madame Tussauds. Isn't Kim Kardashian a wax figure in herself?

Beds that reportedly help cure insomnia are becoming available for $60,000. Or you could try a SleepNumber bed FREE for 90 Days! That's right, free for 90 days. And if you don't like it, send it back and we'll cover the cost of shipping!

House Minority Leader John Boehner says the financial reform bill is like killing an ant with a nuclear weapon. It's actually more like killing rats with a nuclear weapon.

A British oil broker was fined and banned from trading after he bought seven million barrels while on a drinking binge. This makes it much more likely that he worked for BP.

A flying car that can be flown like a plane and driven like a car has been given the go ahead by U.S. air authorities. And we thought those cartoon perspectives of the future were just ridiculous.

That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!

"Touchdown Jesus"

Joke of the Day: The Situation has recorded his own rap song. It's guaranteed to have less hits than a tennis racket with no strings.

CNN news host Anderson Cooper attacked executives from BP for staying away from his news broadcasts. Cooper also stated that BP stayed away from his broadcasts just like they stayed away from the Gulf of Mexico.

North Korea has threatened military action in response to any United Nations censures regarding the sinking of a South Korean ship. However, the North Koreans are going to respond with something not very threatening: their soccer team.

The system designed to accommodate orders for the new 4G iPhone was so overwhelmed Tuesday that calls could not go through. There's AT&T for ya.

A six-story statue in Cincinnati known as "Touchdown Jesus" was struck by lightning and the foam components burned to the ground. This is a sad ending. This statue was the closest Cincinnati has ever come to a touchdown.

A restaurant in Pittsburgh is now selling food from countries that don't like the U.S. Because when I think of a way to unwind, it's a steaming plate of Iraqi food.

The Indonesian boy who is addicted to smoking has now cut down from 40 cigarettes a day to just 15. Probably because the factory he works at limited his smoke breaks.

The longest traffic light has been discovered in New Jersey, and it's 5 minutes long. It's so long and boring, you almost feel like you're at a Nets game.

Researchers at the University of Minnesota have linked tanning beds to brain damage. Otherwise known as "Jersey Shore".

In a recent USA poll, only 58% of Americans would give CPR to their boss. The other 42% of Americans already feel like they have given mouth to mouth to their boss.

On E! News, Ryan Seacrest was talking about Kim Kardashian frolicking with Justin Bieber. Of course, Seacrest was heartbroken.

Police in New York are looking for the "Botox Bandit", who has passed bad checks in order to get Botox. In related news, Joan Rivers now has a criminal record.

A government report says that 1.6 Million more Americans did volunteer work in 2009. Or, as Walmart calls those workers, "Employees".

A study says that obese women have more trouble finding a sex partner than obese men. This is mainly because men are more willing to pay for it than women.

People in Miami are worried that the Gulf oil spill may scare away foreign visitors. For one thing, it's scared off British Petroleum.

AND FINALLY, FROM COMEDY WRITER FRIEND JIM BARACH
Christina Aguilera sang the National Anthem at Game 6 of the NBA Championship. Apparently the U.S. has found its own version of the vuvuzela.

That's all for now, everybody! More coming tomorrow!

"World Ocean Day"

Joke of the Day: A study says that tooth loss and gum disease is being linked to mental decline. The study is entitled "Alabama".

Eugene Van Roosbroeck, an 82 year old former Olympic cyclist, was awarded a gold medal he never received from the 1948 Games. It's almost like BP was awarding him the metal.

Rising wages in China could signal an increase in export prices. To which Walmart said, "What are rising wages?".

A study says that four in five poker players use drugs to stay sharp at the table. That's the same excuse high school druggies are using for school.

A 385 pound Oklahoma woman says she was kicked out of her gym for being too fat after she tried to ride a stationary bike. Isn't it a little redundant when a place that helps people get in shape kicks someone out for being too out of shape?

Dallas Cowboys Quarterback Tony Romo withdrew from his attempt to qualify for the U.S. Open Golf Tournament as it interfered with his workout schedule. To which Cowboys fans said, "What workout schedule?".

Tuesday is World Ocean Day. BP is not expected to celebrate.

An army officer is being charged with divulging top-secret Army reports and giving them to wikileaks.org. This sounds like a website that BP would be in charge of.

The MTV Movie Awards Show was filled with 100 swear words spread through the 122 minute program. It's almost exactly like watching Katt Williams do standup - too much swearing, not enough funny parts.

A Florida-based group of nudists are lobbying on Capitol Hill this week. Considering the fact that they are at Congress while angry and completely naked, they will probably blend in.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"A Temporary Hotel"

Joke of the Day: A report says that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are nearly broke and living on credit. They are so broke they can't even afford to make idiots of themselves anymore.

An Australian restaurateur fed up with the waste left by diners has ordered her customers to eat everything on their plates or pay a penalty and be banned from her eatery. To which Kirstie Alley said, "Fine by me".

Anamika Veeramani, 14, of North Royalton, Ohio, won the 2010 National Spelling Bee in Washington on Friday. She said after mastering the spelling of her own name, the rest was a piece of cake.

European Ryder Cup captain Colin Montgomerie has just apologized to his wife for having an affair with his ex-lover. Or, as Tiger Woods likes to call it, "Amateur".

A study says that people with a low IQ are at a higher risk of committing suicide. To which people with low IQ said, "What's suicide?".

A study says that people with a low IQ are at a higher risk of committing suicide. Someone needs to write George Bush's last will before it's too late.

The USDA is getting more picky over what qualifies olive oil to be labeled “extra virgin”. Here's what qualifies something to be labeled "extra virgin": Too many video games, pimples, and empty bags of Doritos on the floor.

“American Idol” winner Lee DeWyze will sing the National Anthem at Game 2 of the NBA Finals. He will then give a $10,000 grand prize to the first person who can spell his last name correctly.

A lawyer says Gary Coleman has a will that dates back to 1999. Which, strangely enough, was the last time he wasn't bankrupt.

Environmental campaigners in Rome have built a temporary hotel out of rubbish to raise awareness about pollution. Or, as Simon Cowell calls it, "A really bad American Idol audition".

Wal-Mart says it is planning a global expansion over the next five years in which it will hire 500,000 new workers. To which the rest of the world said, "That's OK, keep your lead to yourselves".

The North Korean soccer team has arrived in South Africa for the World Cup with no fans accompanying them. Nobody can go with their soccer team to South Africa because of someone we call "Kim Jong-Il".

Four day school weeks are becoming a popular idea across the nation as a way to save money. Especially now that most students are on summer break.

Reporter Laura Ling, who was freed from captivity in north Korea with the help of Bill Clinton has named her new baby after him. Even worse, the baby is a girl.

Reporter Laura Ling, who was freed from captivity in north Korea with the help of Bill Clinton has named her new baby after him. The baby, whose name is Bill Ling, weighed 6 lbs. 10 oz., while her hospital Bill Ling was through the roof.

That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!

"A Canister of TNT"

Joke of the Day: A 17-year-old Utah boy mowing the lawn at his home in Hooper ran into a canister of TNT that may date back as far as World War II. The first people on the scene were the boy's dad and five moms.

April’s Consumer Confidence Index rose to its highest level since September, 2008. Which means Walmart didn't have as many shoppers as usual.

A brawl broke out in the Ukraine parliament after approving a treaty with Russia. Well that was a good treaty, wasn't it?

The Mexican government issued a warning that its citizens should be cautious if visiting Arizona. Yeah, they're "just visiting".

In Lincoln, Nebraska, a man concealed his face by wrapping his head in toilet paper before robbing a convenience store. Even more gross, it was from the convenience store restroom.

Police in Indonesia’s Papua are barred from having penis enlargement surgery. I guess they are following up that law that restricts officers from having more than one gun in their pocket.

A 10-year-old girl survived a sting from the world’s most venomous creature. Wait, I didn't know Heidi Montag was a cannibal.

Authorities said an 8-year-old boy grabbed control a pickup and brought it safely to a stop after his grandmother had a seizure while driving on a western Colorado interstate. The grandmother is now very relieved. She is thankful that she didn't have a Toyota.

Sandra Bullock has filed for divorce from her husband, Jesse James, and is adopting a baby boy as a single parent. To which Elin Nordegren said, "You can do that?".

A poll says more Americans are connecting with the government online. The same poll also said that more Americans chat with our government officials through porn sites.

The Icelandic volcano ash cloud cost European airlines more than $3 Billion in delays and cancellations. It's the happiest anyone has been with airline service in years.

The rights to the “Peanuts” comic strip have been sold for $175 Million. To which the buyer's wife said, "You forgot the Cracker Jacks".

Atlanta Braves Manager Bobby Cox says that the Cardinals’ Albert Pujols should be paid $50 Million a year. I disagree. Don't the Yankees already have a really good first baseman?

“60 Minutes” will air an interview with former “Tonight Show” host Conan O’Brien on Sunday. O'Brien and Andy Rooney will reportedly fight over who is more annoying.

A military hypersonic glider failed in a test flight. The glider was launched from a rocket to come back to earth at 13,000 mph to splash in the ocean. After the glider failed the test, military officials fired Toyota.

FINALLY FROM FRIEND AND COMEDY WRITER JERRY PERISHO
A brawl broke out in the Ukraine parliament after approving a treaty with Russia. These rarely turn into food fights; the last time I checked, you need food for a food fight.

That's all for now. More upcoming!

"Insured His Thumbs"

Joke of the Day: Rocker Bret Michaels is in critical condition. You know, the idiot on the Celebrity Apprentice with ugly blonde hair. But enough about Donald Trump...

The first pill designed to end premature ejaculation goes on sale in England for almost $40 a pill. Here's the weird part: There have been multiple purchases, yet it hasn't even been released yet.

In Arizona, protests over the crackdown on illegal immigration resulted in refried beans being smeared on the windows of the state Capitol. It could have been worse. The protesters could have eaten them.

Wal-Mart is facing a class action suit contending the retail giant discriminates against women in pay and promotions. To which Wal-Mart said, "What's a suit?"

Kate Gosselin’s eight children have been cleared to appear on her new reality show, “Kate Plus 8”. When you think about, that should have been the title of the original show.

Pres. Obama welcomed the World Champion New York Yankees to the White House, Monday. While with the Yankees, Obama reportedly asked for a few hundred million dollars.

Race car driver Fernando Alonso has insured his thumbs for 5 million euro apiece prior to the Spanish Grand Prix in Barcelona. Alonso claims those as his texting fingers.

In Silicon County, California, officials have proposed a ban against Happy Meal toys because they believe it's not helping their cause to end obesity. Yeah, the item that kids don't eat is the cause for obesity.

In Stamford, Connecticut, a man drove his car into a wall, went airborne and landed on the roof of an office. Police were puzzled until they saw a Toyota logo on the back of his car.

Two Illinois lawmakers are asking that the National Guard be called in to stop all the violence in Chicago. I guess Illinois lawmakers haven't seen the Chicago Bears play defense.

A study says that chimpanzees face death like humans. Who knew chimpanzees drove Toyotas?

The Post Office is asking for suggestions on how to stop losing so much money. The Post Office then realized that there's this brand new invention called "E-Mail".

Brazil’s health minister says that people should have more sex, as it helps to lower blood pressure. This sounds legit, but does it HAVE to be a minister who says that?

New research says that smoking, drinking too much, inactivity and a poor diet can age a person by twelve years. So Kirstie Alley has started saying that she's 58 years old. Plus 12.

That's all I have for now. More later!

"A Slap In The Face"

Senator Charles Schumer wants the government to prohibit airlines from charging fees for carry on luggage, saying it is a “slap in the face” to travelers. I think it's a slap in the face whenever the pilot is drunk.

An Arizona man was arrested after his gun went off in a Wal-Mart. He was charged for being too sophisticated for Wal-Mart.

A study says that one third of people snoop on their lover’s texts and e-mails. The other two thirds of people studied were Amish.

A new animated series from Steven Spielberg will take a look at life in 25, 50 and a hundred years in the future. The series will be called, "Brett Favre's NFL Career".

A US military doctor removed a live 14.5 millimeter round of ammunition from the head of an Afghan soldier. This was quite an easy task. The Afghan soldier didn't have a brain that could get in the way.

As a fund raiser, a high school booster club in Illinois is selling bags of alpaca manure to the public. In a related story, the Chicago Cubs bought a bag and named it their starting pitcher for tonight.

Home run king Barry Bonds says he’s proud of former slugger Mark McGwire for returning to baseball after admitting he used performance-enhancing drugs. Bonds would have returned, but he didn't have the balls to do it.

On opening day for the White Sox, a couple was found in a men’s restroom having sex. The scary part: neither person was in the wrong restroom.

More than 20,000 gathered outside Irving, Texas Sunday to watch as Texas Stadium was dynamited. It's been regarded as the only thing in history to go down faster than a Taco Bell combo meal.

It's been reported that Sarah Palin will make a million dollars per episode for her TLC reality series. The title of the show pretty much speaks for how much she will contribute. "How to be an unsuccessful politician".

Records show that the U.S. recall of faulty vehicles was purposely delayed by Toyota. This is the first thing in the history of Toyota to be delayed.

Well, that's it for right now! More tomorrow!

"Fat-Melting Injections"

Joke of the Day: Scientists have created a new, super heavy element. The name is going to be either "Oprum" or "Winfrium".

A survey shows that more job seekers are having cosmetic surgery procedures done. I guess these people want to apply for a job as a Heidi Montag lookalike.

A survey shows that more job seekers are having cosmetic surgery procedures done. We call these people "Hollywood wannabes".

The IRS is launching a program to target high wealth individuals to make them pay their taxes. This shows how bad the economy is. Even wealthy Americans can't afford to pay taxes.

A 13 year old California boy is going to attempt to climb Mt. Everest. This marks the first time in history that a Mt. Everest climber has needed chaperones.

A poll says Americans feel this is the right time to buy a house. They also said that they wish they had money to buy one in the first place.

Illness has forced the cancellation of a Whitney Houston concert in Paris. Whitney will only feel better if she lays down next to a coffee table.

Two women were arrested at a British airport for trying to smuggle a dead relative onto a plane. Police became suspicious when they had carry-on luggage but they didn't have any bags.

NFL quarterback Brett Favre became a grandfather for the first time, making him the only player currently in the NFL with a grandchild. Now Brett has someone he can share diapers with.

An upstate New York man was accused of stealing a vacuum cleaner from a department store on Friday — with his children there. What do the man's planning and the vacuum cleaner have in common? They both suck.

The Food and Drug Administration is cracking down on what are billed as fat-melting injections used in spas across the U.S., saying the drugs have not been proven to be safe. The FDA should also consider a crackdown on McDonald's, Burger King, and Taco Bell.

People in non-romantic sexual relationships today are likely to have multiple partners, researchers have found. These researchers need to research more people than Tiger Woods, John Edwards, and Jesse James.

Prolonged exposure to lead, particularly among children, may damage developing brain, kidneys and other organs. You know what this means? A child's first job should not be Walmart.

A new study says that a gene links lower birth weight to diabetes later in life. You know what this means for babies? They won't be skinny for long...

This was a great day for me! Definitely the greatness will continue tomorrow!

"Taking Up Pigeon Racing"

Today is Saint Patrick's Day. It's a day that Irish people celebrate that includes binge drinking and not going to work. Or, as Conan O' Brien calls it, any other day.

The world’s smallest man at 2’5” has died in Italy at age 21. His body will lie in state in a shoebox.

The FBI is using Facebook to communicate with criminal suspects. They also use Myspace, but those are specifically for the pedophiles.

A study says that for a happier romance, be yourself. This study does not apply to Rush Limbaugh.

The CEO of The Tribune Company has banned broadcasters from using cliches on Chicago-based WGN-AM. The most used cliche on that station: Cubs lose.

A study says that workers are looking for jobs they can stay at for their entire career. Hollywood has even made a movie about this study. It's called Mission: Impossible.

Mike Tyson is taking up pigeon racing for a show on Animal Planet. Consider this a waste of time. That's like Congress taking up bipartisanship.

Singer/actress Miley Cyrus is planning to take a hiatus from her music career. And I thought ten year old girls were crying nonstop before...

Singer/actress Miley Cyrus is planning to take a hiatus from her music career. She made a huge impact on the music industry. She made everyone else sound really good.

A Michigan man says he was fired from his Walmart job for using medical marijuana. This just goes to show: When you work at Walmart, don't steal the manager's belongings.

Detroit will close 44 public schools and a support building in June as the district addresses budget issues. The Big Three automakers have filed a copyright claim.

Ozzie Guillen has created a new style of play he calls "Ozzie Ball" which relies on pitching, defense and running. As in, pitching a quote full of swears, defending what he said, and running away from cops who try to arrest him.

The French military will no longer be issuing rifles to their infantry. I agree with this move. Giving the French rifles is like giving baseball bats to the Washington Nationals.

That's it for today, everyone! Thanks for all your support!

"A Big Lie"

The American-born spokesman for al-Qaida has been arrested by Pakistani intelligence officers in the southern city of Karachi. In court, he is expected to plead "irony".

A woman in jail for public intoxication was accused of assaulting a jailer by squirting breast milk at her. She only proved that she was drinking when she did this. Her breast milk was mostly alcohol.

Authorities say a gunman has been killed and an off-duty officer injured in a shootout outside a Walmart store in the east Texas city of Commerce. Strangely enough, the officer that was shot was more lifelike than the Walmart security.

Kathy Griffin recently said that Sarah Palin was "a gift that keeps on giving". This, coming from "a gift that nobody wants".

Ronnie White, who is able to memorize the order of a deck of cards in 1.5 minutes, will go on to represent the United States at the World Memory Championships in Guangzhou, China in November. The winner will receive the "Get A Life" award.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadenijad called the 9/11 attacks "a big lie". He also called his election "the absolute truth", Simon Cowell "too nice" and the New York Knicks "Team of the Century".

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadenijad called the 9/11 attacks "a big lie". I'm getting the idea that Ahmadenijad doubles as Joe Wilson.

President Barack Obama praised the Iraqi people for passing "an important milestone" Sunday, when millions turned out for national elections. Strangely enough, the person who was elected promised big things but didn't do anything.

New Pledge of Allegiance: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the democrat for which it stands, one nation underground, irresponsible, with obesity and taxes for all.

My friend's pledge: I pledge allegiance to the financial department of the United States of America, and to the budget which it screwed up, one nation under debt, incompetent, with income and revenue for China.

That's it for now! I feel like I'm back in a groove! More tomorrow!

"A Profanity Free Week"

A 1939 comic book with the debut of Batman has sold for $1 Million. However, when he saw the price on the cover, he asked for a refund of $999,999.90.

The California Legislature is voting to declare a profanity free week. So far the vote is 50/50. Half said "aye" and the other half said "F*** no".

Toyota Chief Akio Toyoda toured a company plant in Kentucky and says the company is at a crossroads. Wait, Kentucky has roads?

Detroit high schools are teaching students how to get entry level jobs at Wal-Mart. My Chemistry teacher, Mr. Venditto, is doing the exact same thing with my class. He doesn't think we know the element Lead like we should.

Detroit high schools are teaching students how to get entry level jobs at Wal-Mart. It's called a Kindergarten diploma.

A government panel is now recommending that virtually all Americans get a flu shot each year, starting this fall. Except, of course, for Rush Limbaugh and Dick Cheney.

A Bollywood filmmaker has issued a lucrative challenge to horror movie fans: a $10,000 reward for anyone who can watch his latest supernatural thriller, alone, in a cinema until the closing credits. I'm assuming the film is really scary or really crappy.

Lawyers for U.S. pop singer Prince agreed Friday to pay substantial damages for his unexplained cancellation of a 2008 concert in Ireland's largest stadium. I guess nobody had the heart to tell him that he can't sing anymore.

The Minnesota Vikings are apparently "OK" while Brett Favre decides whether he wants to return or not. No wonder they are OK with it. They've gotten used to that every year.

Growing Pains star Andrew Koenig had a long battle with depression before his apparent suicide. Somebody should have told him a long time ago to stop watching reruns of Growing Pains.

Shaquille O'Neal sustained a "significant" right thumb sprain that forced him to leave the Cleveland Cavaliers' game Thursday night against Boston. This wasn't all bad for the Cavs. At least Shaq didn't have to get fouled.

Desiree Rogers is stepping down from her post as social secretary, effective next month, two White House aides said Friday. However, her contribution level will not change.

That's it for today! Definitely more tomorrow!