"A Purse Thief"

A show on FOX News claims the new Muppet movie is brainwashing kids. FOX News said, "They can't brainwash anybody. That's our job."

A study says that one quarter of the parents of overweight kids say their doctor mentioned it. The other three parents have blind doctors.

Madonna will perform the half time show at Super Bowl XLVI. Her show will be more painful to watch than an Indianapolis Colts game.

A woman’s face caught fire while she was undergoing surgery in Florida. She will have to go through life with a busted face. You know, like Gary Busey.

Several grenades were found in a bag at the Newark Airport. When the people who found the bags realized they were in Newark, they pulled the grenades but didn't throw them.

A Nigerian e-mail scam is using Hillary Clinton’s name. To make it more convincing, every subject line reads "RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: I hate you Bill."

Shoppers in California were pepper sprayed by a purse thief in a department store. Hey lady, black friday is over.

Proposed federal guidelines say that anyone having sex with two or more partners in a year would be a risk for organ donation. This is great news for people getting my organs.

Ann Coulter recently called John McCain a "douchebag". Who is still letting this bitch talk?

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!

"Absolutely Good"

NBC is scaling back on its planned coverage of the Royal wedding because they feel Prince William and Kate Middleton are “too boring”. Remember, this network has Leno hosting The Tonight Show.

“Jackass” star Johnny Knoxville is going to be a father for the third time. It's amazing how he can have kids, considering the fact that he's known for getting hit in the nuts all the time.

Gary Busey says that Donald Trump would be an "absolutely good" President. In response, Trump said, "No thanks, Gary".

A study says that surgeons are prone to more errors after a night of drinking. In a related story, the sun is hot.

There was an error on a postage stamp that put the Statue of Liberty right next to Las Vegas. In response, Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann said, "So"?

That's all I have for today! Sorry about the limited supply, but I'll definitely have more tomorrow!

"Sentenced To Death"

There will be not be any No. 1 seeds in this year’s NCAA Final Four. In fact, my bracket is more screwed up than Gary Busey's face.

A Louisiana man convicted of murder was sentenced to death after saying he wanted to kill the jury. I have never seen so much love.

The Japan earthquake and tsunami is set to be the world’s costliest disaster. Of course, not counting "Two and a Half Men".

Doctors say that there is a link between Facebook use and teenage depression. Especially if the teen doesn't have any friends.

President Obama said that standardized testing can make education boring for kids. He's doing a good job trying to care about the people in order to win the next election, but he needs to know one thing: kids can't vote.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Praying For Charlie Sheen"

The Chicago Cubs have already committed 14 errors so far this spring training. Actually, it's fifteen errors, if you count the fact that they are even trying.

Charlie Sheen was fired from “Two and a Half Men” by Warner Brothers. Now, Jon Cryer and Angus T. Jones are going to team up and create a spinoff called "Two Men".

A Romanian woman has become the world’s youngest grandmother at age 23. Why stop there? Add a transvestite hooker and a fat chick and you've got yourself an episode of "Jerry Springer".

Research says as many as a half million American teenagers have eating disorders. That is, if you don't include eating way too much as a disorder.

Gary Busey says he is praying for Charlie Sheen. I think that right there is enough to sober him up.

A California home was lifted by 300 balloons to a height of 10,000 feet. Man, the ways our government forecloses homes are getting really bizarre.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!