"50 Pound Breast Implants"

A study says the memories of musicians are better than other people’s. Unless, of course, you are Christina Aguilera during the Super Bowl.

A U.S. dancer has revealed her 50 pound breast implants. Man, her back must be in serious pain right now.

In El Paso Tuesday, President Obama said the border with Mexico is more secure than ever. Isn't it kind of ironic that he said this in a city named El Paso?

Justin Bieber puked during his concert in the Philippines. This may be a cause of him listening to his own music.

Lindsay Lohan posed as a vampire for a photographic exhibit. The weird part: she didn't even need a costume.

STD rates have increased in Alaska. Looks like Levi Johnston has returned.

That's all I have for today! Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've had a shitload of HW. Anyway, more tomorrow!

"Feeding Him Popcorn"

First Lady Michelle Obama says the president has not smoked a cigarette in nearly a year. Unfortunately, the President is probably going to get smoked in 2012.

There are rumors that Bristol Palin will have a memoir published by this summer. For the love of God, will anybody smart write a book?

Yankees star Alex Rodriguez is livid that a Fox cameraman caught girlfriend Cameron Diaz feeding him popcorn during the Super Bowl. He's actually mad because Alex had to pay for the popcorn himself.

The New York Mets farm team, the Brooklyn Cyclones, invited Christina Aguilera to sing the National Anthem before one of their games. What could possibly go wrong?

A Picasso painting of his teenage lover sold at auction for $40 Million. What confuses me is that he would be attracted to someone whose eyes are on their stomach.

A study says that kids who are almost popular are most likely to torment their peers. In a related story, I have been named "Least Likely to Become a Bully" at my high school.

A U.K. man with a low IQ has been banned from having sex with other people. A stupid man has been banned from sex. In the U.S., his name is Charlie Sheen.

An English woman died after having butt implant surgery at a hotel in Philadelphia. If she stayed alive, she would have qualified as a Kardashian.

Taco Bell is offering free tacos through Facebook as a response to a lawsuit claiming their taco filling is not really meat. The joke's on them because half of the people that signed up were vegans.

A study says that 36% of Americans would rather give up sex for a month than give up the remote. These people are called "men".

A survey says that children are often happier with their online lives than they are with reality. This is mainly because children have a hard time finding porn in reality.

"Left-Handed Parrots"

A new study says that there are more left-handed parrots than right-handed parrots. What do you call annoying animals who tend to be more on the left? CNN.

A man in Indianapolis is in critical condition after he repeatedly stabbed himself in the throat when police came to his house to arrest him. His throat is so damaged that he can't talk at all. Hey Joe Biden, you should try that sometime.

On this date in 1988, the TV crime show “America’s Most Wanted” premiered. Every Saturday for 22 years, John Walsh has practically been saying "Marco".

Prior to the start of the Super Bowl Sunday, Christina Aguilera sang the National Anthem and screwed up the words. Of course, considering her annoying singing style, nobody could tell the difference.

The Cleveland Cavaliers have lost a record 24th straight game. Tonight, they are expected to lose their 25th straight when they play Girl Scout troop #213.

Prisoners in Kansas held a pizza party during the Super Bowl as part of a fundraiser they paid for themselves. Police in Kansas refuse to ask themselves how the prisoners got the money.

Thieves in Malaysia have stolen $1.5 Million worth of condoms. At least when they get arrested, they won't have to worry about any kids.

Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom have designed a unisex fragrance. It helps people smell good, but whether you are male or female is not important. Now I know how Justin Bieber gets so many girls.

18 people were killed while riding on the roof of a train in India. One person's last words were: "What tunnel?".

Pennsylvania steel workers were ordered to stay on the job during the Super Bowl that features hometown favorite Pittsburgh Steelers. If I were a Steelers fan, I would rather work in a steel mill than watch the Super Bowl anyway.

Justin Bieber’s character on CSI will reportedly be killed off. This just in, female viewership of CSI is down 94%.

An Italian company is developing air bags for snow skiers. It's perfect for people who probably shouldn't be skiing in the first place.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Awarded To Kansas City"

Joke of the Day: Tennessee Titans running back Chris Johnson says he can't play for $550,000 a year. I mean come on, the guy's gotta eat.

The chairman of the BP oil company said his company “cares about the small people”. The question is: do they care about the small animals in the Gulf?

The Walt Disney Company adopted a new policy allowing employees to have bare legs when wearing skirts, instead of the previously required panty hose. Who knew Disney used to be Amish?

The 2012 MLB All-Star Game has been awarded to Kansas City. Of course, this will be the first game at Kauffman Stadium without a single Kansas City Royals baseball player.

A rising number of Americans say they work out at least an hour a day. These are people I like to call, "Liars".

U.S. college enrollment is at its highest in forty years. The number of students going to class, now that's a different story.

Experts are arguing that the Utah death sentence by firing squad is more humane than other methods. For instance, an inhumane method that has been outlawed is death by Lady Gaga music.

Dating site cupidtino finds romance between people who have Mac computers. And on their first date, they will both brag about how great their computers are.

Oprah Winfrey gave her staff at O Magazine each a $10,000 bonus and an iPad. They found them under their spinning chairs.

Jamie Moyer became the oldest pitcher to ever beat the Yankees. Of course, it helps that half the people on the Yankees are twice his age.

Christina Aguilera sang the national anthem before game seven of the NBA Finals. And when she was finished, six Celtics players ran up and gave her child support checks.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Undelivered Mail and Ads"

Joke of the Day: In the finale of Fox’s hit show “24”, government agent Jack Bauer was shot and beaten, but he was able to walk away. The episode is called, "A Day in the Life of a Rapper".

North Korea cut all ties with South Korea and said it will start a series of punitive actions against them. For starters, North Korea will play Justin Bieber music at full volume.

The 2014 Super Bowl will be held in February outdoors at the new Meadowlands Stadium in New Jersey. The loser of the Super Bowl will be punished by staying in New Jersey.

Thousands of pieces of undelivered mail and ads from the early 1990s have been found in a shed in Michigan. Strangely enough, they were all Victoria's Secret catalogs.

Christina Aguilera has cancelled her US tour, claiming she needs more time to practice. I'm not sure she can wait another 45 years.

NBA Coach Phil Jackson said that he doesn't want to coach for the Chicago Bulls, but he was "intrigued" by the New Jersey Nets. That's like me saying, "Nah, I don't want to write comedy material for Jay Leno. However, I did hear that Carrot Top is hiring!".

Health officials say one reason so many American kids are overweight is that few have a nearby place to play and exercise. Their parents were able to figure it out. They call it, "A backyard".

President Obama is becoming frustrated with the BP oil spill, and he is saying that he wants to "plug the damn hole". Either that, or he was talking about Joe Biden.

That's all for now. More later!