Merriam-Webster chose the pronoun "they" as their word of the year. This is great, because now, bigots would say "I'm never reading a Merriam-Webster dictionary again!" as if they even read dictionaries to begin with.
Rapper Tekashi 6ix9ine has pleaded guilty to racketeering charges. As a result, he has been sentenced to 2wo years in federal prison.
In light of his suspension for gambling on football, it was discovered that Cardinals DB Josh Shaw had bet against his own team. Coincidentally enough, I bet against his ankles while he was "jumping off a roof to save his nephew's life".
A dog in Florida recently drove a car around in reverse in a circle for almost an hour. Authorities believe it was because he was chasing his own tailpipe.
Cleveland Browns DE Myles Garrett was suspended for the rest of the 2019 NFL season after hitting Steelers QB Mason Rudolph in the head with Rudolph's own helmet. It's wild that Myles Garrett will be suspended longer for hitting Mason Rudolph than he would've been if he hit his own girlfriend.
Patriots WR Antonio Brown practiced with the Patriots despite all the sexual assault allegations against him. In light of the news that he'd practice, the trainers all got together and prayed that he'd stay healthy.
Indianapolis Colts QB Andrew Luck retired suddenly from NFL and walked off into the sunset. He then pulled his hamstring during the walk.
In a week in August, Shawn Mendes celebrated his birthday and Jeffrey Epstein committed suicide. So if you're a 15 year old girl, chances are, you had a pretty good week.
New York Mets GM Brodie Van Wagenen reportedly threw a chair during a meeting with coaches. And in true Mets fashion, the chair missed the cutoff man.
Rapper Lil Nas X recently came out of the closet. This means that now, in a surprising turn of events, Billy Ray Cyrus is now the least gay part of Old Town Road.
There was a Straight Pride Parade held in Boston this summer. It's actually better known as the "Don't-Tell-Anyone-We're-Secretly-Gay" Pride Parade.
A Mississippi politician punched his wife in the face when she wouldn't get naked quick enough before sex. Matter of fact, the punch was such a direct hit that her blood spatter got all over his Tyreek Hill jersey.
The New England Patriots have signed veteran TE Benjamin Watson to a 1-year contract. Now I'm not saying Mr. Watson is old, but he was the guy on the other end of the line for Alexander Graham Bell's first phone call.
Well, that's all for now, this year, and this decade. Now, I'm going to attempt to embark on a new project, which will lead to more frequent posts of this blog. It'll be where I attempt to write one monologue joke every single day.
ALSO
What a wild fucking decade in comedy. It began with me writing jokes on my parents' computer to kill time during high school. I truly enjoyed it, and it was how I learned to write a joke and a punchline to begin with. And I wouldn't be where I am today without that dumb hobby.
Then standup came later. For the past eight years, I have had insane amounts of fun going places and telling jokes. I've performed alongside some of the best people in the business, gone across the country, and learned more than I could have ever hoped for about life through self-discovery. Through the good times and the bad, I can't help but appreciate this life I live. Becoming a comic is the best decision I've ever made. This life is incredible. Even if I'm still doing open mics.
Anyway, all tackiness aside, here's to a new decade of adventure, jokes, and fun! Let's get to it!!!
Showing posts with label Rappers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rappers. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 1, 2020
Tuesday, April 2, 2019
"Disturbing The Penis"
Hooters had a Valentine's Day promotion where you received 10 free wings if you brought in a picture of your ex to shred. Because what better way to say "screw you" to your ex than telling them you still think about them while you eat chicken wings by yourself.
Rapper Sheck Wes has been accused of being abusive to an ex-girlfriend. This explains why he had to change the opening line of Mo Bamba to "I got hoes callin' 9-1-1".
The New England Patriots won Super Bowl LIII against the LA Rams. The best part of the victory is that they can go to Disney World and visit Josh Gordon while he's working the concession stand.
Seattle Seahawks QB Russell Wilson won the Precision Passing contest at the 2019 Pro Bowl by hitting the most targets. His secret to winning was imagining that all the targets were pictures of Malcolm Butler.
Rapper Lil Uzi Vert said that he's going to stop making music. When hearing how upset this news made his fans, he responded to them by saying, "I don't really care if you cry."
Democrats are accusing Donald Trump of manufacturing a crisis. Though if it's any consolation, at least something of Donald Trump's was manufactured in America.
A serial arsonist is targeting Jehovah's Witnesses in Washington State. Wow, you must really hate members of a religion to set your own front doorstep on fire.
Tumblr is getting rid of adult content. Or, to put it in the terms of a Tumblr user: "We can't adult anymore."
The Washington Redskins have signed QB Mark Sanchez. They did this so he could come in and teach Colt McCoy how to properly run into his own offensive lineman.
The Cleveland Indians are getting rid of their mascot Chief Wahoo. If you're upset about that team getting rid of the logo that's an offensive depiction of a Native American, there's a 100% chance that you have a profile picture that looks like an offensive depiction of a white person.
The Cleveland Cavaliers were awarded the 2022 NBA All Star Game. This is a part of the Cavs' effort to show citizens of Cleveland what a professional basketball team looks like.
The Cleveland Browns have signed RB Kareem Hunt. This gives Browns fans the perfect excuse to start putting paper bags over their heads again.
New Jacksonville Jaguars RB Carlos Hyde says he's a perfect fit for the Jags offense. This is due to his incredible ability to tackle defenders after Blake Bortles throws an interception.
Last year, Atlanta Falcons RB Tevin Coleman became the father of twins. This makes him one of the few NFL players to have multiple children with the same woman.
Donald Trump reportedly wanted to buy decades of dirt that the National Enquirer had on him. If the purchase is successful, the public will never get to hear the incredible story about Trump's affair with a space alien.
Police in Illinois discovered 218 severed dicks in the house of a mortician. He's expected to be charged with 218 counts of disturbing the penis.
That's all I have for right now! Well, little bit of an update to those of you who somehow made it to this last paragraph and still even bother to read it and keep up: since my last post, I no longer DJ at Uncle Woody's or Ladder 19. Those places were definitely fun while they lasted, but we all decided to go our separate ways. I will miss the camaraderie and fun times I had at those places, and will look back fondly on doing those gigs several years down the road. I met so many people and can't thank all of them enough for giving me so many killer nights out.
Sentimentality aside, I'm still going hard at standup, and I am currently planning a couple big summer trips to pursue standup even harder and check out a couple bigger standup scenes. Also, I still have my DJ gig at Milano's on Saturday nights at UD, which has quickly become the highlight of my week every week!
Anyway, I'll have more jokes coming later on!
Rapper Sheck Wes has been accused of being abusive to an ex-girlfriend. This explains why he had to change the opening line of Mo Bamba to "I got hoes callin' 9-1-1".
The New England Patriots won Super Bowl LIII against the LA Rams. The best part of the victory is that they can go to Disney World and visit Josh Gordon while he's working the concession stand.
Seattle Seahawks QB Russell Wilson won the Precision Passing contest at the 2019 Pro Bowl by hitting the most targets. His secret to winning was imagining that all the targets were pictures of Malcolm Butler.
Rapper Lil Uzi Vert said that he's going to stop making music. When hearing how upset this news made his fans, he responded to them by saying, "I don't really care if you cry."
Democrats are accusing Donald Trump of manufacturing a crisis. Though if it's any consolation, at least something of Donald Trump's was manufactured in America.
A serial arsonist is targeting Jehovah's Witnesses in Washington State. Wow, you must really hate members of a religion to set your own front doorstep on fire.
Tumblr is getting rid of adult content. Or, to put it in the terms of a Tumblr user: "We can't adult anymore."
The Washington Redskins have signed QB Mark Sanchez. They did this so he could come in and teach Colt McCoy how to properly run into his own offensive lineman.
The Cleveland Indians are getting rid of their mascot Chief Wahoo. If you're upset about that team getting rid of the logo that's an offensive depiction of a Native American, there's a 100% chance that you have a profile picture that looks like an offensive depiction of a white person.
The Cleveland Cavaliers were awarded the 2022 NBA All Star Game. This is a part of the Cavs' effort to show citizens of Cleveland what a professional basketball team looks like.
The Cleveland Browns have signed RB Kareem Hunt. This gives Browns fans the perfect excuse to start putting paper bags over their heads again.
New Jacksonville Jaguars RB Carlos Hyde says he's a perfect fit for the Jags offense. This is due to his incredible ability to tackle defenders after Blake Bortles throws an interception.
Last year, Atlanta Falcons RB Tevin Coleman became the father of twins. This makes him one of the few NFL players to have multiple children with the same woman.
Donald Trump reportedly wanted to buy decades of dirt that the National Enquirer had on him. If the purchase is successful, the public will never get to hear the incredible story about Trump's affair with a space alien.
Police in Illinois discovered 218 severed dicks in the house of a mortician. He's expected to be charged with 218 counts of disturbing the penis.
That's all I have for right now! Well, little bit of an update to those of you who somehow made it to this last paragraph and still even bother to read it and keep up: since my last post, I no longer DJ at Uncle Woody's or Ladder 19. Those places were definitely fun while they lasted, but we all decided to go our separate ways. I will miss the camaraderie and fun times I had at those places, and will look back fondly on doing those gigs several years down the road. I met so many people and can't thank all of them enough for giving me so many killer nights out.
Sentimentality aside, I'm still going hard at standup, and I am currently planning a couple big summer trips to pursue standup even harder and check out a couple bigger standup scenes. Also, I still have my DJ gig at Milano's on Saturday nights at UD, which has quickly become the highlight of my week every week!
Anyway, I'll have more jokes coming later on!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
"Resigned As CEO"
Steve Jobs has resigned as CEO of Apple. Congratulations to Apple's new CEO: Steve Jobs 2.
A valedictorian in Singapore dropped the F-bomb in her graduation speech. I didn't know valedictorians knew what an "F" was.
Rapper Lil' Wayne hit his head in a skateboarding accident, causing minor injuries. He's the first rapper to ever get an injury that didn't involve a bullet.
Toyota and Ford are collaborating on a hybrid truck. If you don't know what a hybrid truck is, they are cars that run on gasoline and cigarette smoke.
Libyan rebels broke into the massive Tripoli compound of dictator Moammar Qaddafi. And what do you know, he was watching himself on TV!
Disney channel actresses Brenda Song and London Tipton are both pregnant. God, you aren't usually this slutty unless you're a Disney star.
A Tennessee couple with 18 children say they are praying for more. I'm guessing it's a Mexican couple.
NASCAR driver Kyle Busch has plead guilty to driving 128 mph. Leave your work at the office, dude.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A valedictorian in Singapore dropped the F-bomb in her graduation speech. I didn't know valedictorians knew what an "F" was.
Rapper Lil' Wayne hit his head in a skateboarding accident, causing minor injuries. He's the first rapper to ever get an injury that didn't involve a bullet.
Toyota and Ford are collaborating on a hybrid truck. If you don't know what a hybrid truck is, they are cars that run on gasoline and cigarette smoke.
Libyan rebels broke into the massive Tripoli compound of dictator Moammar Qaddafi. And what do you know, he was watching himself on TV!
Disney channel actresses Brenda Song and London Tipton are both pregnant. God, you aren't usually this slutty unless you're a Disney star.
A Tennessee couple with 18 children say they are praying for more. I'm guessing it's a Mexican couple.
NASCAR driver Kyle Busch has plead guilty to driving 128 mph. Leave your work at the office, dude.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
"Undelivered Mail and Ads"
Joke of the Day: In the finale of Fox’s hit show “24”, government agent Jack Bauer was shot and beaten, but he was able to walk away. The episode is called, "A Day in the Life of a Rapper".
North Korea cut all ties with South Korea and said it will start a series of punitive actions against them. For starters, North Korea will play Justin Bieber music at full volume.
The 2014 Super Bowl will be held in February outdoors at the new Meadowlands Stadium in New Jersey. The loser of the Super Bowl will be punished by staying in New Jersey.
Thousands of pieces of undelivered mail and ads from the early 1990s have been found in a shed in Michigan. Strangely enough, they were all Victoria's Secret catalogs.
Christina Aguilera has cancelled her US tour, claiming she needs more time to practice. I'm not sure she can wait another 45 years.
NBA Coach Phil Jackson said that he doesn't want to coach for the Chicago Bulls, but he was "intrigued" by the New Jersey Nets. That's like me saying, "Nah, I don't want to write comedy material for Jay Leno. However, I did hear that Carrot Top is hiring!".
Health officials say one reason so many American kids are overweight is that few have a nearby place to play and exercise. Their parents were able to figure it out. They call it, "A backyard".
President Obama is becoming frustrated with the BP oil spill, and he is saying that he wants to "plug the damn hole". Either that, or he was talking about Joe Biden.
That's all for now. More later!
North Korea cut all ties with South Korea and said it will start a series of punitive actions against them. For starters, North Korea will play Justin Bieber music at full volume.
The 2014 Super Bowl will be held in February outdoors at the new Meadowlands Stadium in New Jersey. The loser of the Super Bowl will be punished by staying in New Jersey.
Thousands of pieces of undelivered mail and ads from the early 1990s have been found in a shed in Michigan. Strangely enough, they were all Victoria's Secret catalogs.
Christina Aguilera has cancelled her US tour, claiming she needs more time to practice. I'm not sure she can wait another 45 years.
NBA Coach Phil Jackson said that he doesn't want to coach for the Chicago Bulls, but he was "intrigued" by the New Jersey Nets. That's like me saying, "Nah, I don't want to write comedy material for Jay Leno. However, I did hear that Carrot Top is hiring!".
Health officials say one reason so many American kids are overweight is that few have a nearby place to play and exercise. Their parents were able to figure it out. They call it, "A backyard".
President Obama is becoming frustrated with the BP oil spill, and he is saying that he wants to "plug the damn hole". Either that, or he was talking about Joe Biden.
That's all for now. More later!
Friday, May 7, 2010
"Generous Maternity Leaves"
Joke of the Day: The birth control pill turns 50 this week. Those of you who chose not to use the pill, Happy Mother's Day!
Bristol Palin says she is on her own financially, receiving no help from her parents. Considering who her parents are, that's a really good idea.
A study says that children who sing while they clap have improved mental skills. The same study said that children who don't clap will become rappers.
A study says that cell phones raise teen night time driving risks. The same study says that cell phones raises any person anytime driving risks.
A study says that 41% of all births in the U.S. were to unmarried women, up from 28% in 1990. The other 59% have never had sexual relations with Tiger Woods.
Japanese game-maker Nintendo suffered its first drop in annual profit in six years. So there ARE Americans who are getting off the couch.
According to a new survey, Norway is the world’s best country for moms because women there are paid well, have easy access to contraception and have generous maternity leaves. If these are the conditions, I wouldn't be surprised if the US came in last.
Sunday is Mother's Day. Or, as Utah calls it, "Way too expensive".
A South Korean woman who earned a driver's license after 960 tries is ready to buy a car and get behind the wheel. That really says something when Asia calls you a bad driver.
That's all I have for today! Definitely more tomorrow!
Bristol Palin says she is on her own financially, receiving no help from her parents. Considering who her parents are, that's a really good idea.
A study says that children who sing while they clap have improved mental skills. The same study said that children who don't clap will become rappers.
A study says that cell phones raise teen night time driving risks. The same study says that cell phones raises any person anytime driving risks.
A study says that 41% of all births in the U.S. were to unmarried women, up from 28% in 1990. The other 59% have never had sexual relations with Tiger Woods.
Japanese game-maker Nintendo suffered its first drop in annual profit in six years. So there ARE Americans who are getting off the couch.
According to a new survey, Norway is the world’s best country for moms because women there are paid well, have easy access to contraception and have generous maternity leaves. If these are the conditions, I wouldn't be surprised if the US came in last.
Sunday is Mother's Day. Or, as Utah calls it, "Way too expensive".
A South Korean woman who earned a driver's license after 960 tries is ready to buy a car and get behind the wheel. That really says something when Asia calls you a bad driver.
That's all I have for today! Definitely more tomorrow!
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