"Knighted In England"

Singer Kelly Clarkson endorsed Ron Paul for President. Trust me, she is known for making bad decisions. Just ask her nutrition coach.

China is pushing to have an astronaut on the Moon by 2020. Well hey, at least we're beating China at SOMETHING.

The owner of the Bunny Ranch is opening a brothel for fans of Star Wars. This is for nerds looking to get Leia'd.

Jon Huntsman calls Ron Paul “unelectable”. Which is strange, because I have that nickname for all the GOP candidates.

Katy Perry and Russell Brand are getting divorced. I can't believe anyone would want to marry that annoying woman. And Katy Perry isn't that great, either.

Kelly Clarkson reportedly lost Twitter followers after she endorsed Ron Paul for President. I would've thought it was because of her music.

The designer behind Apple's products was knighted in England. I didn't know you could knight a casket.

And that's all I have for 2011! Let me sum up 2011 with one tweet:
2011 disappeared faster than Osama bin Laden, Moammar Qaddafi, and Kim Jong Il combined.

It's been a crazy as hell year. Let's hope 2012 is much better than 2011!!!!!!!

"McDonald's Wipeouts"

An Xbox addict died after a marathon session from developing a blood clot from sitting so long without moving. His last words were, "What does a vagina feel like?".

Lindsay Lohan reportedly fell down while partying with Paris Hilton. That's weird. Usually, Paris is the one on her knees.

Jerry Lewis slammed contestants on “American Idol” for being “McDonald’s wipeouts”. He certainly hit the nail on the head, didn't he, Kelly Clarkson?

Randy Moss retired from the NFL after 13 seasons. He holds the single season record for touchdowns, as well as the all time record in fines.

Muhammad Ali wrote a letter to the people of Norway expressing sadness regarding the recent Oslo massacre. At least he tried to.

A Dunkin' Donuts employee was arrested for prostitution on the job. I knew something was up when I bought two muffins and they cost $250 an hour.

A new website in Germany allows you to rate your priest. We already have that in America. It's called Craigslist.

A Saudi billionaire is going to build the world tallest tower. He signed a 4.6 billion dollar contract with Bin Laden Group to build a giant tower. What could possibly go wrong?

“Two and a Half Men” will open the new season with a funeral for Charlie Sheen’s character and having killing him off. And after that, a real life funeral will be held for his career.

All 50 states had record high temperatures during July. If only the Heat were this effective during the NBA Finals.

A study says there are 14 different types of noses. The most annoying of them is a brown nose.

That's all I have for today! Man, I feel like I was on a roll writing these jokes. I hope you like them as much as I did. Anyway, more tomorrow!

"Wild Partying"

Today is St. Patrick's Day, a day of wild partying, binge drinking, and thinking you are extremely lucky. Or, as Charlie Sheen calls it, Thursday.

Hillary Clinton says she will not serve a a second term as Secretary of State or run for President again. Good.

A New York woman is suing a preschool for her $19,000 a year tuition, saying the school was not preparing her four year old daughter for a top tier college. What? Were the naps not long enough?

A study says that talking on cell phones while crossing the street can be dangerous for elderly people. Crossing the street for elderly people is dangerous period.

Kelly Clarkson’s new album will be delayed for a few months. In response, I said, "What's the bad news?".

Michael Flatley will release an album where he plays the flute. The album is called "Michael Flutely".

L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling admitted he wasn’t familiar with the Hall of Fame playing career of Elgin Baylor when he hired him. I mean, who else on the Clippers knows what the Hall of Fame is.

Tiger Woods says he thinks he is still the best golfer in the world. At his own video game, maybe.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!