"A Single Strand Of Hair"

Madonna is set to perform the half time show at Super Bowl XLVI. A sign she's going to be awful: she's older than the Super Bowl.

British scientists have created the world’s smallest periodic table on a single strand of hair. And yet, still no dentists.

Three Ohio State football players were suspended for being overpaid on their summer jobs. I thought being an Ohio State football player WAS their paying job.

A “fat tax” has gone into effect in Denmark that charges for the amount of fat in a product. This would make me the most expensive product on the planet.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz is asking for donations to help create jobs. You know your company is doing bad when you overcharge for a small cup of coffee, people constantly buy it, and you STILL need donations.

Casey Anthony has told authorities that she's unemployed. Honestly though, who the hell would hire her?

Chris Christie says that he's not running for president. I'm not surprised. After all, it involves running.

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!

"Rent-A-Grandma"

USA Today says that the actual government debt is $61 Trillion. Alex, I'll take "We're Screwed" for $200, please.

The CEO of General Motors warned Congress about the threat of our national debt. When the CEO of General Motors says the national debt is threatening, you must be doing something seriously wrong.

There is a new LA-based employment firm called Rent-A-Grandma. It's what Ashton Kutcher used to find his wife.

Terrelle Pryor will forgo his senior season at Ohio State. God, Jim Tressel resigned, and now, Terrelle Pryor is not coming back. Their new slogan: WHERE DID EVERYBODY GO?!?!?!?!?

A study says that age does not affect testosterone levels in healthy men. Case and point: Hugh Hefner.

New York GOP Chairman Ed Cox is calling for Anthony Weiner to resign after the Twitter photo scandal. Ed Cox, Anthony Weiner; who’s next? Andy Dick?

Anthony Weiner’s wife is reportedly pregnant. Which one?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Shorter Life Spans"

Today is Christmas Eve. If you are going to do some last minute shopping, I heard about a great deal. For $1,000, an Ohio State player will give you some great memorabilia.

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange says the U.S. press should fear being targeted by the government. Look Julian, if the government is after anybody, it's you.

A study says that men are less healthy and live shorter life spans than women. This study was conducted by women.

A study says people in a stressful relationship are three times more likely to suffer chest pain. In an unrelated story, Charlie Sheen has had a major heart attack.

The basketball coach of Western Kentucky University paid for several fans' gas money after a poor performance in Nashville. When he heard of this, Cincinnati Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis said, "Not gonna happen".

An Oregon couple is suing a doctor for $650,000 to pay for their child that was born after a failed vasectomy. Talk about two ways of not making proper cuts.

That's all for right now! More later!

"A Bomb Scare"

Apple says iTunes will start selling music from The Beatles. The reason it took them so long was because Steve Jobs was waiting for approval from John Lennon.

The New York Yankees are raising some ticket prices next season. For example, it will cost $10,000 to sit in a seat where your view is obstructed by crazed fans.

Penn State running back Silas Redd was arrested at 4:13am for urinating in public. I guess he puts the "P" in Penn State.

Ohio State evacuated four buildings due to a bomb scare. It turns out, it was only their football team.

Former Virginia Senator George Allen says that politicians can learn from sports. Of course, politicians and athletes are very different. One group of people are overpaid attention whores that don't perform to their expectations, and the other people are athletes.

Former Virginia Senator George Allen says that politicians can learn from sports. The one thing I have learned from both: it doesn't matter how you perform, as long as you have a lot of money.

New York Comptroller Thomas DiNapoli says Wall Street’s profit could hit $19 Billion for 2010. That's barely enough to cover the executive businesses.

A study says a small percentage of teens actually have a problem with video game addiction. That's like saying Charlie Sheen enjoys the occasional glass of wine.

Us Weekly Magazine says that Kate Gosselin sometimes feeds her kids week old food. And that's on a day when she's feeling generous.

Carnival says all cruises on the ill-fated Splendor will be scrubbed until January. It's not like anyone would want to go on that ship anyway.

The “Harry Potter” series is poised to pass “Star Wars” as the biggest movie franchise in history. This is especially amazing, because for both of these franchises, not a single movie-goer brought a date.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!