"Thou Shalt Commit Adultery"

Donald Trump has been elected President of the United States. It's already improving the economy, as cyanide and Kool-Aid sales have skyrocketed.

Donald Trump came under fire for saying that he likes to "grab women by the pussy". If that comment taught me anything about Donald Trump, it's that he sucks at foreplay.

3 Doors Down is playing at Donald Trump's Inauguration. They've gone crazy, which begs the question: will you still call them Superman?

Joe Biden received an honorary Presidential Medal of Freedom. He was very disappointed when he found out it didn't have chocolate in the center.

Bengals HC Marvin Lewis may stop coaching after 2016. This is strange, because he usually stops coaching during the first round of the playoffs.

Alan Thicke has died at the age of 74. This means that in five months, Robin Thicke will release an album trying to bring him back to life.

During a TD celebration, Cowboys RB Ezekiel Elliott jumped in a Salvation Army kettle. Oh sure when he does it it's fine, but when I do it people "frantically search for a lid to trap me in".

Donald Trump has been selecting members of his cabinet, and his choices have been very controversial. But to his credit, it's the first time he's had a cabinet that wasn't full of stuff made in China.

The Bengals have released K Mike Nugent. He kicked himself to the curb, which proved the Bengals right because he was aiming for the sidewalk.

Old tablets with the Ten Commandments on them are up for auction in Beverly Hills. This is ironic since Beverly Hills' official slogan is "Thou shalt commit adultery".

Tila Tequila has been kicked off of Twitter for supporting Nazism. The only thing crazier than the fact that Tila Tequila is a Nazi is the fact that I'm saying any of those words in 2016.

Donald Trump's national security advisor said that "Islam is like cancer". That makes no sense, because Islam has never inspired me to run a 5k.

The Chinese media is praising Donald Trump for his "experience and ideology". Wow, he's even outsourcing his compliments to China.

Universal is opening a Jimmy Fallon themed ride. The one catch: instead of putting your hands in the air, you put them in Donald Trump's hair.

The Chicago Cubs won the 2016 World Series. It's crazy to think that the last time the Chicago Cubs were World Series champions, David Ross was just 13 years old.

Vine is shutting down. This means that Vine stars will have to resort to YouTube to show people how painfully unfunny they are.

RB Arian Foster is walking away from football. In typical Arian Foster fashion, he's doing so on one leg while being assisted by a coach and a trainer.

Legendary golfer Arnold Palmer has died at the age of 87. Due to his death, other caskets will put a nickel on the ground so they don't lose their burial plot.

Well, that's it for right now. So I forgot to post on New Year's Eve, so I figured I'd make up for it by posting on the final day of Barack Obama's presidency (which, in all honesty, flew the fuck by). Anyway, 2016 was the craziest year of my life. I hit even more milestones, met a bunch of new people, worked a couple of killer weekends at Go Bananas, and, unfortunately had my driver's license suspended (I'm in the clear now). I'm expecting even crazier things to happen in 2017, and so far it hasn't disappointed, as I have already changed my so-called iconic Twitter handle (I'm now @bigschubes), met new friends and worked an amazing weekend at Go Bananas. If I interacted with you at all in 2016, thank you for being a part of it. I love you and you're the best. Anyway, more jokes coming soon!

"Dog Meat Soup"

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony announced they are getting a divorce. They are both expected to be single for all of 15 minutes.

Casey Anthony has been released from prison, and her attorney says elaborate plans have been made to keep her safe. If only they said the same thing about Caylee.

(this one's a thinker if you don't get politics)
The 50th Annual Congressional Baseball Game was held in Washington, DC last week. And here's a sign politics is screwed up: every single participant refused to play center field.

Police in Georgia shut down a lemonade stand run by two girls saying they didn't know how it was made or what was in it. Two girls that had no idea what they were doing; sounds kinda like a movie with the Olsen twins in it.

U.S. officials say that Osama Bin Laden planned an attack on a major U.S. sporting event. Maybe the lockouts weren't such a bad idea.

Hot weather in Korea has prompted people to cook dog meat soup as a remedy to cool people down. Talk about enhancing a stereotype.

Rihanna has passed Lady Gaga as the most popular woman on Facebook. Of course, we're ignoring the most popular woman among teenage girls: Justin Bieber.

North Korea is blaming material used to treat a lightning strike for failed drug tests at the World Cup. That's completely unheard of. I mean, Asians failing a test?

Rebecca Black has released a new music video called "My Moment". I was hoping it was gonna be called "My Fifteenth Minute".

Herman Cain is backing a ban on mosques. Muslim people everywhere hope that's his nickname for mosquitos.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Offensive To Muslims"

Two of Kate Gosselin’s children have been expelled from their school. That's what happens when Jon Gosselin is your role model.

Michael Vick says he would like to own a dog again someday. That's like me saying I would like to eat another piece of pizza.

A fight broke out at Hulk Hogan’s wedding ceremony. That's like a wet t-shirt contest at Paris Hilton's wedding ceremony.

Researchers discovered that flu germs are passed easily in high schools. Also passed at high schools: STDs.

An Austrian judge ruled that yodeling can be offensive to Muslims. Muslims first need to know that them playing Jenga is offensive to Americans.

Washington, D.C. is the most educated region in the nation, according to the Census Bureau. Try saying that during Bush's presidency.

A 71 year old Kansas woman beat down an intruder with a frying pan. Police are still trying to determine what's more hilarious: getting beat up by an old woman or a frying pan.

That's all for right now! More tomorrow!