"Ivanka Trump's Clothing Line"

Former Florida Gator Aaron Hernandez died in prison at the age of 27. And yet he still has a better chance of making it to the MLB than Tim Tebow.

ESPN has laid off a big portion of its on air talent, including football analyst Trent Dilfer. Now, "Dilfer Dimes" will refer to the coins in a cup that's next to an "Anything helps, God bless" sign.

A scorpion stung a man on a United flight to Calgary. There were many doctors on board who could help, but they were too afraid to speak up.

The US recently dropped the "Mother of all Bombs" on an ISIS facility in Afghanistan. If Donald Trump took credit for this bombing, it would be the first time that any of his bombs didn't file for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy.

Due to all of Donald Trump's controversial remarks, Nordstrom dropped Ivanka Trump's clothing line. This is the first time Donald Trump has ever been mad that his daughter's clothes were removed.

Pepsi has come under fire for a controversial commercial featuring Kendall Jenner. We know Pepsi screwed up with the commercial because hiring Kendall Jenner as an actress was only their second worst judgment call.

The Kansas City Chiefs have released Jamaal Charles. He is the Chiefs' all time leader with 7,260 yards driven off the field on the back of a cart.

Cavaliers PG Kyrie Irving has come under fire for believing in the flat earth theory. It's strange that people responded to this by saying he should've stayed in college as if the Earth being round is something you learn in your junior year.

In the Super Bowl, the Falcons halftime lead against the Patriots was 28-3. The Patriots 1st half was so bad, the girl on Tinder who banged Julian Edelman called him to say she just likes him as a friend.

The Houston Rockets retired Yao Ming's jersey. He's the first player in NBA history to be tall enough to hang his own jersey in the rafters.

LB Jamie Collins signed a 4-year contract with the Browns. This means he'll be the newest player to have fans regularly tear his jersey in half.

Singer Makonnen came out as gay. Upon hearing this, VP Mike Pence proposed a constitutional amendment that bans nightclubs from being open on Tuesdays.

That's all I have for right now! Nothing to talk about now. Same shit, different day. Just trying to make it at my new internship and trying to deal with all the stress that comes with it. I'll be back a few months from now with more jokes!

"The First Female President"

A study says that drivers and cars are ill-equipped to cope with panic situations. The study has been entitled, "Road Rage".

During New Orleans’ parade honoring the Super Bowl champion Saints Tuesday, police were ordered to restrict the appearance of boobs. Police said, "Please don't flash your boobs at all. That's what Mardi Gras is for."

Rapper Lil Wayne had his sentencing in a weapons case postponed so he could get some dental work done. I'm not sure another grill qualifies as dental work.

A woman in Cuba claims to be the oldest person on earth at the age of 125. To which Larry King said, "Like hell you are".

A woman in Cuba claims to be the oldest person on earth at the age of 125. To me, this is a miracle. How did she survive through 50 years of Fidel Castro.

An Australian banker who became an internet sensation after he was caught on live television viewing images of a scantily clad supermodel on his computer will keep his job. You know what that's called here in America? Deal Or No Deal.

The man who stalked ESPN reporter Erin Andrews and shot nude videos of her through a hotel room peephole videotaped 16 other women. Suzy Kolber, Linda Cohn...

Laura Chinchilla of the centre-left National Liberation Party has been elected the first female President of Costa Rica. To which Costa Ricans said, "Oh great, now we are going to be run by a South American rabbit".

Thanks for reading everybody! More to come tomorrow.