Kirk Cameron recently said that homosexuality is "unnatural". Hey Kirk, guess what else is unnatural? A career that disappeared as fast as yours did.
Rush Limbaugh recently called a girl a slut because she supported birth control for women. Here's my response, Rush: You know conservative commentator Andrew Breitbart? I'm glad he died.
Google is planning to dig even deeper into the lives of its users through the information it collects. There's already a website for that. It's called "Facebook".
Justin Bieber was given a $100,000 hybrid car for his 18th birthday. Hopefully he uses it to drive himself off a cliff.
A study says that seniors say they sleep better than younger adults. Wait a minute. Taking a piss six times in one night is not a problem?
Doctors in England used fat from a man’s stomach to repair an injury to his head. Maybe the NFL should consider hiring me as a donor.
President Obama says he “screwed up” during the 2008 campaign. Yeah, that's why he got elected.
New England Patriots wide receiver Chad Ochocinco got peed on by a lion. The lion promptly sang "I Believe I Can Fly".
Japan has invented a speech jamming gun that can silence people in mid sentence. Really? That's the biggest load of
McDonald’s says all its advertising will include a nutritional or physical activity message to kids. And after that, the FCC will air a commercial featuring hardcore porn.
Researchers say that top financial traders have a lot in common with psychopaths. Mainly because financial traders ARE psychopaths.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Showing posts with label Facebook. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Facebook. Show all posts
Monday, March 5, 2012
Monday, February 6, 2012
"Crotch Grabbing Dance"
The Giants beat the Patriots in Super Bowl XLVI by a score of 21-17. This shows how bad the Patriots are. Bill Belichick couldn't even cheat his way to victory.
The TSA has been training hot dog vendors at the Super Bowl to spot possible terrorists. The TSA and hot dog vendors: Two groups of people who work extensively with wieners.
Researchers say that the best way to avoid eating junk food is to just put it off until later. I'm no scientist, but I think the best way to avoid junk food is to not fucking buy it.
A study says that people using drugs like cocaine, amphetamines and opiates into their 50s are more common than previously thought. The study is entitled, "Whitney and Bobby".
A 9 year old boy in a Catholic school in Minnesota was suspended for performing Michael Jackson’s crotch grabbing dance. Finally! A 9 year old boy's crotch grabbed by somebody other than a priest.
Newt Gingrich’s campaign is now $600,000 in debt. Just like the all-you-can-eat buffet he went to last night.
A study says that Mars is too dry to sustain life. Like the average MILF's vagina.
A new blood test may be able to diagnose people with depression. Is that where "negative" blood types come from?
Research says that more teens are turning to Twitter as their primary source of communication. Mainly because all our parents found out about Facebook.
President Obama says he deserves to be reelected. I don't think I can handle another four years of Republicans not allowing him to do anything.
President Obama says he deserves to be reelected. Considering his competition, his reelection pretty much a guarantee.
A former White House intern says she had an 18-month affair with John F. Kennedy. However, I find this woman to be a sick human being. She said the affair ended in 1965.
The New England Patriots were offered an all-expenses paid vacation to Aruba after yesterday's loss to the Giants. Everyone in Indianapolis hopes Joran Van Der Sloot is still there.
That's all I have for today! Sorry I rarely post, everybody. I'm just extremely busy on Twitter and stuff. Follow me on there (@GroperCleveland)! Anyway, more coming later!
The TSA has been training hot dog vendors at the Super Bowl to spot possible terrorists. The TSA and hot dog vendors: Two groups of people who work extensively with wieners.
Researchers say that the best way to avoid eating junk food is to just put it off until later. I'm no scientist, but I think the best way to avoid junk food is to not fucking buy it.
A study says that people using drugs like cocaine, amphetamines and opiates into their 50s are more common than previously thought. The study is entitled, "Whitney and Bobby".
A 9 year old boy in a Catholic school in Minnesota was suspended for performing Michael Jackson’s crotch grabbing dance. Finally! A 9 year old boy's crotch grabbed by somebody other than a priest.
Newt Gingrich’s campaign is now $600,000 in debt. Just like the all-you-can-eat buffet he went to last night.
A study says that Mars is too dry to sustain life. Like the average MILF's vagina.
A new blood test may be able to diagnose people with depression. Is that where "negative" blood types come from?
Research says that more teens are turning to Twitter as their primary source of communication. Mainly because all our parents found out about Facebook.
President Obama says he deserves to be reelected. I don't think I can handle another four years of Republicans not allowing him to do anything.
President Obama says he deserves to be reelected. Considering his competition, his reelection pretty much a guarantee.
A former White House intern says she had an 18-month affair with John F. Kennedy. However, I find this woman to be a sick human being. She said the affair ended in 1965.
The New England Patriots were offered an all-expenses paid vacation to Aruba after yesterday's loss to the Giants. Everyone in Indianapolis hopes Joran Van Der Sloot is still there.
That's all I have for today! Sorry I rarely post, everybody. I'm just extremely busy on Twitter and stuff. Follow me on there (@GroperCleveland)! Anyway, more coming later!
Monday, November 7, 2011
"Only Two Friends"
Andy Rooney has died at age 92 from complications following surgery. I'm shocked. He had his whole life ahead of him.
John Boehner says his relationship with President Obama has become "a little frosty." Obama is a Democrat, and Boehner is a Republican. What would you expect?
Shocking news out of NYC this weekend: a Kenyan won a marathon.
An arrest warrant has been issued for former NFL receiver Terrell Owens. It's nice to know somebody wants him.
A 5.6 magnitude earthquake hit Oklahoma. In fact, the only shakier thing in that state was the Oklahoma State defense last Saturday.
A study says that a supersized soft drink can actually be a status symbol for people. Unfortunately, that symbol is called "fat".
Reese Witherspoon is giving up her $3,280 python handbag. I haven't seen a bag worth that much money since, I guess, Reese Witherspoon.
A study says that most Americans have only two friends. Thanks a lot, technology.
Some Oregon kids who were robbed of their Halloween candy received several pounds of candy donations over Craigslist. Talk about encouraging obesity.
Anonymous hackers have pledged to destroy Facebook. Anything but my farm! Anything!
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
John Boehner says his relationship with President Obama has become "a little frosty." Obama is a Democrat, and Boehner is a Republican. What would you expect?
Shocking news out of NYC this weekend: a Kenyan won a marathon.
An arrest warrant has been issued for former NFL receiver Terrell Owens. It's nice to know somebody wants him.
A 5.6 magnitude earthquake hit Oklahoma. In fact, the only shakier thing in that state was the Oklahoma State defense last Saturday.
A study says that a supersized soft drink can actually be a status symbol for people. Unfortunately, that symbol is called "fat".
Reese Witherspoon is giving up her $3,280 python handbag. I haven't seen a bag worth that much money since, I guess, Reese Witherspoon.
A study says that most Americans have only two friends. Thanks a lot, technology.
Some Oregon kids who were robbed of their Halloween candy received several pounds of candy donations over Craigslist. Talk about encouraging obesity.
Anonymous hackers have pledged to destroy Facebook. Anything but my farm! Anything!
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, September 15, 2011
"Nude Photos"
President Obama’s approval rating in California has dropped to a record low. You know something's up when drug abusers don't like a black guy.
The FBI is investigating the release of nude photos allegedly hacked from the cell phone of actress Scarlett Johansson. It's Scarlett Johansonn; how is this a crime?
SAT scores for the class of 2011 are the lowest on record. You're welcome.
Kirstie Alley says she has lost 100 pounds. She found it a day later.
Drug cartels in Mexico are killing people who denounce them on social media. I think the new dislike button is the trigger on a revolver.
Michael Jackson has reportedly made $310 Million since his death. I wonder how he's going to spend the money.
Scientists say that laughter makes us feel good because it emits endorphins. Of course, people who read my jokes have no idea what that feels like.
Nicolas Cage says he was the victim of an incident several years ago where a naked man wearing a leather jacket was standing over his bed eating a fudgesicle. This is what most people refer to as "a hallucination".
A study says that body odor could be a product of a person’s genes. This can only mean one thing: my dad was a hobo.
That's all I have for today! I'm staying after all. Anyway, more tomorrow!
The FBI is investigating the release of nude photos allegedly hacked from the cell phone of actress Scarlett Johansson. It's Scarlett Johansonn; how is this a crime?
SAT scores for the class of 2011 are the lowest on record. You're welcome.
Kirstie Alley says she has lost 100 pounds. She found it a day later.
Drug cartels in Mexico are killing people who denounce them on social media. I think the new dislike button is the trigger on a revolver.
Michael Jackson has reportedly made $310 Million since his death. I wonder how he's going to spend the money.
Scientists say that laughter makes us feel good because it emits endorphins. Of course, people who read my jokes have no idea what that feels like.
Nicolas Cage says he was the victim of an incident several years ago where a naked man wearing a leather jacket was standing over his bed eating a fudgesicle. This is what most people refer to as "a hallucination".
A study says that body odor could be a product of a person’s genes. This can only mean one thing: my dad was a hobo.
That's all I have for today! I'm staying after all. Anyway, more tomorrow!
Saturday, June 18, 2011
"Close Relationships"
A study says that Facebook users are big on trust and close relationships. Because when I think of Facebook, two words that come to mind are "trust" and "relationships".
New technology has been unable to solve the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tapes and researchers say they will probably never know what was on it. And Sarah Palin responded, "We can go ask Richard Nixon what was on it. I mean he was there, right?".
A woman in Colorado gave birth at a 7-11. Ironically, the baby was 7 pounds, 11 ounces.
A woman in Colorado gave birth at a 7-11. Why a 7-11? Was the sewer system not available?
A survey says Americans strongly believe that having a father and mother at home is essential for a child’s happiness. In other words, sorry black babies.
A report says that only 12% of high school students get enough exercise. The other 88% own an XBOX.
IBM has turned 100 years old. In fact, IBM is so old, it now stands for "Irregular Bowel Movements".
A poll says that President Obama would lose to a generic Republican candidate. The poll was taken at FOX News.
Japan has created steak from human feces. What do you call a restaurant that sells this? Crapplebees.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
New technology has been unable to solve the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tapes and researchers say they will probably never know what was on it. And Sarah Palin responded, "We can go ask Richard Nixon what was on it. I mean he was there, right?".
A woman in Colorado gave birth at a 7-11. Ironically, the baby was 7 pounds, 11 ounces.
A woman in Colorado gave birth at a 7-11. Why a 7-11? Was the sewer system not available?
A survey says Americans strongly believe that having a father and mother at home is essential for a child’s happiness. In other words, sorry black babies.
A report says that only 12% of high school students get enough exercise. The other 88% own an XBOX.
IBM has turned 100 years old. In fact, IBM is so old, it now stands for "Irregular Bowel Movements".
A poll says that President Obama would lose to a generic Republican candidate. The poll was taken at FOX News.
Japan has created steak from human feces. What do you call a restaurant that sells this? Crapplebees.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
"Better Than Anyone Else"
The fiancée of 85-year-old Hugh Hefner, 24-year-old Crystal Harris, called off the wedding, scheduled for Saturday. Well gee, I wonder what would incline a 24-year-old Playboy model to not want to marry an 85-year-old vegetable.
HeroBuilders, a Connecticut toy company, has come out with the new Anthony Weiner doll. An Anthony Weiner doll coming from a place called HeroBuilders is like a Mel Gibson doll coming from a place called ToleranceBuilders.
A new survey says Los Angeles has more sex than any other US city. Without Paris Hilton, Los Angeles would rank 37th.
Facebook has lost an estimated 6 Million users in America, many who fear of a loss of privacy. Unfortunately for the people who left, Facebook has information on every single one of them.
A report says that American students don’t know much about U.S. history. The report was done by people who listen to Sarah Palin.
The BBC aired an assisted suicide on TV. Apparently it was Jack Kevorkian's memorial video.
The CEO of Dow Chemical says there are plenty of jobs available for people with the right skills. It doesn't take a CEO to figure that out.
LeBron James says his comments after the NBA Finals were not meant to say he is better than anyone else. After watching him in the 4th quarter, he isn't better than anyone else at all.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
HeroBuilders, a Connecticut toy company, has come out with the new Anthony Weiner doll. An Anthony Weiner doll coming from a place called HeroBuilders is like a Mel Gibson doll coming from a place called ToleranceBuilders.
A new survey says Los Angeles has more sex than any other US city. Without Paris Hilton, Los Angeles would rank 37th.
Facebook has lost an estimated 6 Million users in America, many who fear of a loss of privacy. Unfortunately for the people who left, Facebook has information on every single one of them.
A report says that American students don’t know much about U.S. history. The report was done by people who listen to Sarah Palin.
The BBC aired an assisted suicide on TV. Apparently it was Jack Kevorkian's memorial video.
The CEO of Dow Chemical says there are plenty of jobs available for people with the right skills. It doesn't take a CEO to figure that out.
LeBron James says his comments after the NBA Finals were not meant to say he is better than anyone else. After watching him in the 4th quarter, he isn't better than anyone else at all.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
"Relaxed And Smart"
Oscar’s co-host actress Anne Hathaway described her evening as “an amazing experience”. Viewers of the Oscars will certainly beg to differ.
Google has confirmed they’ve had experienced missing emails from some Gmail accounts. And at least three of them didn't say that we had a hard time getting erections.
Entertainment Weekly said Anne Hathaway and James Franco were "marvelous" calling them "funny, poised, relaxed, and smart." Five things people have never called me.
Charlie Sheen, who is the highest paid actor in television, wants a raise. Well who could blame him?
Former coach Bobby Knight will be inducted into the National Collegiate Basketball Hall of Fame. Someone better check out that speech of his.
Baron Davis will wear number 85 on his jersey with the Cleveland Cavaliers. He better not change his name to Ochocinco.
Bernard Madoff says the government’s financial reform is a joke and that the government is just a Ponzi scheme. And then he said, "But enough about my business strategy".
Charlie Sheen’s publicity agent has resigned. His reason for quitting: his workload was too much.
A sociologist says that hookers are going to Facebook to find clients since the crackdown on Craigslist. When speaking of their methodology, he said, "It's complicated".
An Alabama man accidentally shot himself, and then his wife was shot by their small child who picked up the gun. And they were still Alabama's "Family of the Year".
Charlie Sheen says he is tired of pretending he isn’t a rock star from Mars. Maybe it was a bad idea for his publicist to resign.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Google has confirmed they’ve had experienced missing emails from some Gmail accounts. And at least three of them didn't say that we had a hard time getting erections.
Entertainment Weekly said Anne Hathaway and James Franco were "marvelous" calling them "funny, poised, relaxed, and smart." Five things people have never called me.
Charlie Sheen, who is the highest paid actor in television, wants a raise. Well who could blame him?
Former coach Bobby Knight will be inducted into the National Collegiate Basketball Hall of Fame. Someone better check out that speech of his.
Baron Davis will wear number 85 on his jersey with the Cleveland Cavaliers. He better not change his name to Ochocinco.
Bernard Madoff says the government’s financial reform is a joke and that the government is just a Ponzi scheme. And then he said, "But enough about my business strategy".
Charlie Sheen’s publicity agent has resigned. His reason for quitting: his workload was too much.
A sociologist says that hookers are going to Facebook to find clients since the crackdown on Craigslist. When speaking of their methodology, he said, "It's complicated".
An Alabama man accidentally shot himself, and then his wife was shot by their small child who picked up the gun. And they were still Alabama's "Family of the Year".
Charlie Sheen says he is tired of pretending he isn’t a rock star from Mars. Maybe it was a bad idea for his publicist to resign.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
"Free Condoms"
Barbie and Ken are reportedly back together. God, I haven't seen so much controversy regarding the relationship between two plastic douches since Heidi and Spencer.
McDonald's restaurants in Hong Kong are allowing couples to get married with "McWeddings". To the couples getting married at "McWeddings": Do you have any McClass?
New York City has a new app that helps cellphone users find a location distributing free condoms. Of course, Los Angeles has the exact same thing. It's called "a map to Charlie Sheen's house".
An Oregon man who videotaped his car’s speedometer hitting 140-mph was arrested and jailed. He was charged with going nowhere fast.
Maine lawmakers are about to name the whoopie pie as the state’s official treat. If that's the case, what is Maine's official cushion?
A new book says the 33 trapped Chilean miners considered suicide and cannibalism, then later demanded sex toys. They were not able to get the sex toys because, of course, they were miners.
Billy Ray Cyrus says he wishes the Disney show “Hannah Montana” had never been started. Billy, I feel your pain. We all feel that way.
Real estate mogul Donald Trump says he is interested in investing in the New York Mets. I thought he was known to make good investments.
An Illinois woman is being accused of updating her Facebook status while driving when she hit and killed a pedestrian. At the autopsy, the coroner wrote "It's complicated" right next to cause of death.
Two Senators are asking Major League Baseball to ban smokeless tobacco. Wouldn't chew think that would be a huge benefit?
O.J. Simpson was reportedly seriously beaten in prison. I guess "The Juice" got juiced.
Lindsay Lohan will read the Top Ten list on the Late Show with David Letterman. It's fairly likely that she will literally steal the show.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
McDonald's restaurants in Hong Kong are allowing couples to get married with "McWeddings". To the couples getting married at "McWeddings": Do you have any McClass?
New York City has a new app that helps cellphone users find a location distributing free condoms. Of course, Los Angeles has the exact same thing. It's called "a map to Charlie Sheen's house".
An Oregon man who videotaped his car’s speedometer hitting 140-mph was arrested and jailed. He was charged with going nowhere fast.
Maine lawmakers are about to name the whoopie pie as the state’s official treat. If that's the case, what is Maine's official cushion?
A new book says the 33 trapped Chilean miners considered suicide and cannibalism, then later demanded sex toys. They were not able to get the sex toys because, of course, they were miners.
Billy Ray Cyrus says he wishes the Disney show “Hannah Montana” had never been started. Billy, I feel your pain. We all feel that way.
Real estate mogul Donald Trump says he is interested in investing in the New York Mets. I thought he was known to make good investments.
An Illinois woman is being accused of updating her Facebook status while driving when she hit and killed a pedestrian. At the autopsy, the coroner wrote "It's complicated" right next to cause of death.
Two Senators are asking Major League Baseball to ban smokeless tobacco. Wouldn't chew think that would be a huge benefit?
O.J. Simpson was reportedly seriously beaten in prison. I guess "The Juice" got juiced.
Lindsay Lohan will read the Top Ten list on the Late Show with David Letterman. It's fairly likely that she will literally steal the show.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, January 28, 2011
MY 300TH POST
Oprah Winfrey celebrates her 57th birthday on Saturday. Everybody in her audience would have gotten a birthday cake, but she ate them all.
Justin Bieber will team with Ozzy Osbourne to do a commercial that will air during the Super Bowl. Ozzy and Justin are very different, of course. One is a terrible singer with gross hair and doesn't deserve the women he gets, and the other one is Ozzy Osbourne.
A survey says half of all men would forgive their female partner for having an affair if it were with another woman. And if they could sleep with her too.
NATO says the war in Afghanistan won’t end like Vietnam. I agree. I don't think North Afghanistan will invade South Afghanistan.
MTV “Teen Mom” star Amber Portwood admits she is an “unfit mom”. Which makes her fit in perfectly with the rest of the cast.
A man is suing Facebook for $500,000 after his account was disabled. He's either going to lose the case and completely waste his time, or he's going to win the case and begin wasting his time once again.
AT&T wireless subscribers are now up to 95.5 Million people. And of those 95.5 Million, approximately five of them have cell phone service.
A project between Microsoft and IBM says that less personal information displayed on the Internet is the best way to protect privacy. No... way!
A report says that 17.7 Billion apps will be downloaded in 2011. The number is expected to double upon the release of a porn app.
An English man had to be taken to the hospital after trying to remove a moth from his ear with a vacuum cleaner. When asked to comment on his day, the man said, "Well, the idea completely sucked".
That's all I have for today! Well, happy 300th post to me! More tomorrow!
Justin Bieber will team with Ozzy Osbourne to do a commercial that will air during the Super Bowl. Ozzy and Justin are very different, of course. One is a terrible singer with gross hair and doesn't deserve the women he gets, and the other one is Ozzy Osbourne.
A survey says half of all men would forgive their female partner for having an affair if it were with another woman. And if they could sleep with her too.
NATO says the war in Afghanistan won’t end like Vietnam. I agree. I don't think North Afghanistan will invade South Afghanistan.
MTV “Teen Mom” star Amber Portwood admits she is an “unfit mom”. Which makes her fit in perfectly with the rest of the cast.
A man is suing Facebook for $500,000 after his account was disabled. He's either going to lose the case and completely waste his time, or he's going to win the case and begin wasting his time once again.
AT&T wireless subscribers are now up to 95.5 Million people. And of those 95.5 Million, approximately five of them have cell phone service.
A project between Microsoft and IBM says that less personal information displayed on the Internet is the best way to protect privacy. No... way!
A report says that 17.7 Billion apps will be downloaded in 2011. The number is expected to double upon the release of a porn app.
An English man had to be taken to the hospital after trying to remove a moth from his ear with a vacuum cleaner. When asked to comment on his day, the man said, "Well, the idea completely sucked".
That's all I have for today! Well, happy 300th post to me! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
"On The Shelves"
“Jersey Shore” will film its fourth season in Italy. The cast of Jersey Shore is less Italian than the Olive Garden.
A marijuana soft drink is going to be on the shelves soon. It's going to be placed right next to that other drug-laced soda: Coke.
Bengals receiver Chad Ochocinco says he’ll change his name back to Chad Johnson. He did this after realizing that football players only have nicknames if they're good.
A Chicago area car salesman was fired for wearing a Green Bay Packers tie the day after the Packers beat the Bears. But not before the dealership owner strangled him with it.
A survey says that 66% of Americans don’t take precautions to avoid spreading the flu when they are sick. These people no longer have friends who want to be around them.
A survey says that 27% of Facebook users connect with friends while they are on the toilet. Here's what I'm gonna say to those people: Life is short, but it ain't that short.
Taiwan is experimenting with a solution to pollution, smell and water use on pig farms by training the pigs to use a toilet. It's working so well that all the female pigs are nagging their husbands when they don't put the seat down.
Exams show that very few students are proficient enough at science to make it a career. The same can be said about me and my jokes.
A study says that love can last a lifetime for some people. This study was not conducted in Hollywood.
A man is suing the city he works for after being fired for not taking a drug test because of his inability to "urinate on demand". He did test positive for a drug: Flomax.
A study is suggesting a link between a high thermostat setting and obesity. The link is called "sweating".
A study says that traffic noise can raise the risk of having a stroke. In other words, if you work a 9-to-5 job in LA, you're screwed.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A marijuana soft drink is going to be on the shelves soon. It's going to be placed right next to that other drug-laced soda: Coke.
Bengals receiver Chad Ochocinco says he’ll change his name back to Chad Johnson. He did this after realizing that football players only have nicknames if they're good.
A Chicago area car salesman was fired for wearing a Green Bay Packers tie the day after the Packers beat the Bears. But not before the dealership owner strangled him with it.
A survey says that 66% of Americans don’t take precautions to avoid spreading the flu when they are sick. These people no longer have friends who want to be around them.
A survey says that 27% of Facebook users connect with friends while they are on the toilet. Here's what I'm gonna say to those people: Life is short, but it ain't that short.
Taiwan is experimenting with a solution to pollution, smell and water use on pig farms by training the pigs to use a toilet. It's working so well that all the female pigs are nagging their husbands when they don't put the seat down.
Exams show that very few students are proficient enough at science to make it a career. The same can be said about me and my jokes.
A study says that love can last a lifetime for some people. This study was not conducted in Hollywood.
A man is suing the city he works for after being fired for not taking a drug test because of his inability to "urinate on demand". He did test positive for a drug: Flomax.
A study is suggesting a link between a high thermostat setting and obesity. The link is called "sweating".
A study says that traffic noise can raise the risk of having a stroke. In other words, if you work a 9-to-5 job in LA, you're screwed.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, January 24, 2011
"Caught On Live TV"
Actor Richard Dean Anderson, TV’s MacGyver, celebrated his 61st birthday on Sunday. For his birthday, he received a paper clip, a rubber band, and a thumbtack.
“No Strings Attached” was #1 at the box office this weekend. I'm surprised it was #1, especially since everyone who went didn't think about the movie after they saw it. (think about it)
South Carolina prison officials took a cell phone from an inmate who’d been updating his Facebook page from prison. Of course, since he was in prison, his relationship status was "It's complicated".
New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez was caught on live TV wiping a booger on a teammate’s jacket. He tried to flick the booger off, but it was intercepted by a Pittsburgh defensive back.
Pope Benedict XVI says that not everyone has a right to marry. He was talking specifically to Charlie Sheen.
Apple has sold its 10 Billionth app. To put that in perspective, that's about one app per hour that Americans waste on their iPhones.
MTV “Teen Mom 2” star Leah Simms says she has learned from her mistakes. She learned that it's possible for a whore to become a celebrity at such a young age. (just ask Britney Spears)
A Minnesota bar owner roasted a bear to support the Green Bay Packers on Sunday. I don't think it was necessary. The Packers defense already did that.
A Scottish study says that eating fruits and vegetables gives the skin a healthier glow than tanning. In response, the cast of Jersey Shore said, "Like hell it does".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
“No Strings Attached” was #1 at the box office this weekend. I'm surprised it was #1, especially since everyone who went didn't think about the movie after they saw it. (think about it)
South Carolina prison officials took a cell phone from an inmate who’d been updating his Facebook page from prison. Of course, since he was in prison, his relationship status was "It's complicated".
New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez was caught on live TV wiping a booger on a teammate’s jacket. He tried to flick the booger off, but it was intercepted by a Pittsburgh defensive back.
Pope Benedict XVI says that not everyone has a right to marry. He was talking specifically to Charlie Sheen.
Apple has sold its 10 Billionth app. To put that in perspective, that's about one app per hour that Americans waste on their iPhones.
MTV “Teen Mom 2” star Leah Simms says she has learned from her mistakes. She learned that it's possible for a whore to become a celebrity at such a young age. (just ask Britney Spears)
A Minnesota bar owner roasted a bear to support the Green Bay Packers on Sunday. I don't think it was necessary. The Packers defense already did that.
A Scottish study says that eating fruits and vegetables gives the skin a healthier glow than tanning. In response, the cast of Jersey Shore said, "Like hell it does".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, December 18, 2010
"A London Jail"
Members of the US Senate will be working in Washington through the holidays. It marks the first time that US Senators will actually be working.
The Emirates Palace Hotel in Abu Dhabi has an $11 million Christmas tree in the lobby. Even nature worshippers are saying, "Come on. Trees aren't that valuable.".
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was released from a London jail on bail of $312,000. I found out about it two days before he was released. Don't ask me how...
President Obama says the U.S. is on track in Afghanistan and Pakistan. Yes, because nothing says "making progress" like taking two years to pull out.
A study says the people say that stress causes them to overeat. This is true because my life is extremely stressful.
A brain damaged woman has a condition that leaves her with no sense of fear. So a woman messed up in the head isn't afraid to do anything. Isn't her name "Snooki"?
A Florida woman was arrested after lighting the crotch of her boyfriend on fire. I'm not sure that's what the man meant by "Nuts roasting over an open fire".
Facebook ad sales could reach $2 Billion for the year. To put that in perspective, that's approximately $20 dollars per Facebook user that abandoned MySpace.
A study says that children with ADHD symptoms have a higher risk of obesity. Apparently I was the only person that scientists studied.
A judge has ordered the arrest of boxer Floyd Mayweather for reportedly poking a security guard in the face several times. Um, Mr. Mayweather, poking is only allowed on Facebook.
Brett Favre says he is unsure if he will ever play again. That's Brett Favre talk for "I'm coming back next year".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
The Emirates Palace Hotel in Abu Dhabi has an $11 million Christmas tree in the lobby. Even nature worshippers are saying, "Come on. Trees aren't that valuable.".
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was released from a London jail on bail of $312,000. I found out about it two days before he was released. Don't ask me how...
President Obama says the U.S. is on track in Afghanistan and Pakistan. Yes, because nothing says "making progress" like taking two years to pull out.
A study says the people say that stress causes them to overeat. This is true because my life is extremely stressful.
A brain damaged woman has a condition that leaves her with no sense of fear. So a woman messed up in the head isn't afraid to do anything. Isn't her name "Snooki"?
A Florida woman was arrested after lighting the crotch of her boyfriend on fire. I'm not sure that's what the man meant by "Nuts roasting over an open fire".
Facebook ad sales could reach $2 Billion for the year. To put that in perspective, that's approximately $20 dollars per Facebook user that abandoned MySpace.
A study says that children with ADHD symptoms have a higher risk of obesity. Apparently I was the only person that scientists studied.
A judge has ordered the arrest of boxer Floyd Mayweather for reportedly poking a security guard in the face several times. Um, Mr. Mayweather, poking is only allowed on Facebook.
Brett Favre says he is unsure if he will ever play again. That's Brett Favre talk for "I'm coming back next year".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
"A Black Eye"
Actor Hugh Jackman got a black eye while doing a stunt on the Oprah Show taping in Australia. In fact, Oprah was feeling generous that day, so she gave everyone in the audience a black eye.
Media mogul Ted Turner says he’s “almost to the edge of poverty”. Gosh, give one red-haired crazy guy a show on your network and this happens.
The wife of Cliff Lee, who just signed a big contract with the Phillies, said she was insulted by rude Yankees fans while in New York. If she didn't know Yankees fans were rude, she must be from another planet.
The game show “Jeopardy” will pit two human contestants against an IBM computer. You know how to beat that computer? Forget to program the words "what is" into the computer.
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time Magazine's Person of the Year. To which Zuckerberg said, "Umm... Like!".
Elin Nordegren reportedly has a new boyfriend. Fortunately for the new boyfriend, he doesn't golf.
Cincinnati Bengals WR Terrell Owens is blaming the coaches for their 2-11 start. Here's my question: are the coaches the ones on the field?
The Minnesota Vikings are hoping that Brett Favre can return this season. So are all of his opponents.
Chicago Cubs legend Ron Santo has died at the age of 70. "Chicago Cubs legend" is one of those ironies, like "Charlie Sheen's sobriety".
Larry King is in his final week of his show at CNN. That's what his viewers have been thinking for years.
There's a new iPhone app that helps report “suspicious behavior”. It's called "Your Internet History".
French authorities have seized 354 fake Faberge eggs. They knew the eggs were fake when they didn't have any salmonella.
A global study says that money doesn't buy happiness. Try telling that to the people on MTV Cribs.
Less education and income is linked with obesity in women and not men. Also linked with less educaation and income: an appearance on COPS.
A study says that wearing ugly underwear can ruin a woman's day. Especially when they meet men.
A study says that lack of sleep can hurt a person's looks. You know what that means? I haven't had a wink of sleep in months.
That's all for right now! More later!
Media mogul Ted Turner says he’s “almost to the edge of poverty”. Gosh, give one red-haired crazy guy a show on your network and this happens.
The wife of Cliff Lee, who just signed a big contract with the Phillies, said she was insulted by rude Yankees fans while in New York. If she didn't know Yankees fans were rude, she must be from another planet.
The game show “Jeopardy” will pit two human contestants against an IBM computer. You know how to beat that computer? Forget to program the words "what is" into the computer.
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time Magazine's Person of the Year. To which Zuckerberg said, "Umm... Like!".
Elin Nordegren reportedly has a new boyfriend. Fortunately for the new boyfriend, he doesn't golf.
Cincinnati Bengals WR Terrell Owens is blaming the coaches for their 2-11 start. Here's my question: are the coaches the ones on the field?
The Minnesota Vikings are hoping that Brett Favre can return this season. So are all of his opponents.
Chicago Cubs legend Ron Santo has died at the age of 70. "Chicago Cubs legend" is one of those ironies, like "Charlie Sheen's sobriety".
Larry King is in his final week of his show at CNN. That's what his viewers have been thinking for years.
There's a new iPhone app that helps report “suspicious behavior”. It's called "Your Internet History".
French authorities have seized 354 fake Faberge eggs. They knew the eggs were fake when they didn't have any salmonella.
A global study says that money doesn't buy happiness. Try telling that to the people on MTV Cribs.
Less education and income is linked with obesity in women and not men. Also linked with less educaation and income: an appearance on COPS.
A study says that wearing ugly underwear can ruin a woman's day. Especially when they meet men.
A study says that lack of sleep can hurt a person's looks. You know what that means? I haven't had a wink of sleep in months.
That's all for right now! More later!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
"Using An Electric Eel"
Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg will be interviewed on “60 Minutes” next Sunday. To give you an idea of Facebook, its online security quality is equivalent to that of WikiLeaks.
A new study says there may be as many as 300 sextillion stars in the night sky. And ironically enough, not one of them is located in Hollywood.
The names that parents choose to give their newborn children reveals information about the parents. For example, the name "Shequanna" indicates that the parents have been on the Maury Povich show. (this is not racist at all, I've seen a lot of baby Shequannas on Maury)
MLB pitcher Jamie Moyer had Tommy John surgery. You know you're getting old when your fastest pitches are 85 miles per hour and your arm still gives out.
An aquarium in Japan is using an electric eel to light its Christmas tree. This kind of news story makes me think of those five magic words: What could possibly go wrong?
The U.S. says its ready to help give financial aid to the EU. That's like hiring Charlie Sheen as your sober coach.
A report says that good looking couples have more daughters. In other words, no matter who my wife is, we are going to have a family full of boys.
A college student in Florida googled his own name and found he was mistakenly wanted for murder. That's peculiar for him. He has nothing better to do but to google his own name?
72 year old Jane Fonda will make her first exercise video in fifteen years. I am already getting visuals that I don't want.
Northern Kentucky has been chosen as the site for a theme park based on Noah’s Ark. "Northern Kentucky" is one of those ironies, like "Comic Book Collector's Girlfriend".
Some hospitals are starting to add Wi-Fi and gourmet meals to attract patients. What do they expect people to do, get hurt on purpose?
The most asked web question in 2010 was how to tie a tie. The second most asked web question: What the hell did Mel Gibson say this time?
That's all I have for right now! More tomorrow!
Monday, November 15, 2010
"Hidden In Her Bra"
A new survey says “spillcam” and “vuvuzela” are the top words for 2010. While we're talking about the list of things that annoy the hell out of us, why not say "Alex Schubert".
Kirk Gibson’s 1988 World Series home run bat sold at auction for $575,000. The reason it's so valuable is because it was the last chance that the Dodgers ever had to make the postseason.
A Maryland politician and his wife were caught with $80,000 hidden in her bra. That's absurd. A politician with his own wife?
200 students at the University of Central Florida have admitted to cheating on a test. These people are called "athletes".
A search is on for a missing 92 year old hiker in a New York park. Did anybody check the cemetery?
The Quidditch World Cup was held in New York City over the weekend. The Quidditch World Cup is proof that you can be a winner and a loser at the same time.
A peer-reviewed study suggests that humans may have predictive powers. These people are called "weathermen".
Facebook is launching a new e-mail service. The catch: you can only use it to contact people you barely remember from high school.
President Bush is being accused of lifting material for his autobiography “Decision Points” from other sources. I agree with these accusations. We all know President Bush can't write to save his own life.
The Mayor of Oklahoma City has rejected a proposal to have a Lingerie Football League team play in the city. In a related story, his popularity rating has shot down 60%.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Kirk Gibson’s 1988 World Series home run bat sold at auction for $575,000. The reason it's so valuable is because it was the last chance that the Dodgers ever had to make the postseason.
A Maryland politician and his wife were caught with $80,000 hidden in her bra. That's absurd. A politician with his own wife?
200 students at the University of Central Florida have admitted to cheating on a test. These people are called "athletes".
A search is on for a missing 92 year old hiker in a New York park. Did anybody check the cemetery?
The Quidditch World Cup was held in New York City over the weekend. The Quidditch World Cup is proof that you can be a winner and a loser at the same time.
A peer-reviewed study suggests that humans may have predictive powers. These people are called "weathermen".
Facebook is launching a new e-mail service. The catch: you can only use it to contact people you barely remember from high school.
President Bush is being accused of lifting material for his autobiography “Decision Points” from other sources. I agree with these accusations. We all know President Bush can't write to save his own life.
The Mayor of Oklahoma City has rejected a proposal to have a Lingerie Football League team play in the city. In a related story, his popularity rating has shot down 60%.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, November 1, 2010
"Stone Tools"
An 18-year-old US woman won the Miss World contest in Beijing, China. She had an amazing talent: being able to eat a cheeseburger without throwing it up.
California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman says that her former housekeeper should be deported. If she isn't deported, Whitman said that the housekeeper must suffer through watching campaign ads.
A New York judge says a four year old girl can be sued over a bicycle accident. They can be sued for the entire contents of their piggy banks.
Researchers have found stone tools dating back 75,000 years ago. They were first used when Larry King needed to build a new house.
A documentary about Justin Bieber will be in the theaters in February. And once it's out of theaters, Bieber will go where all the other talentless teenage heartthrobs go: the Disney Channel.
A study says that children in the U.S. watch an average of five hours of TV a day. Of the five hours, four hours and 50 minutes consists of negative campaign ads.
Facebook has spent $6,600 to fight the proposed Social Network Privacy Act. Do they realize how many FarmVille items they could have bought with that money?
A study says that pregnancy is less likely if the male partner is overweight. Mainly because women don't want to have sex with fat people.
California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman says that her former housekeeper should be deported. If she isn't deported, Whitman said that the housekeeper must suffer through watching campaign ads.
A New York judge says a four year old girl can be sued over a bicycle accident. They can be sued for the entire contents of their piggy banks.
Researchers have found stone tools dating back 75,000 years ago. They were first used when Larry King needed to build a new house.
A documentary about Justin Bieber will be in the theaters in February. And once it's out of theaters, Bieber will go where all the other talentless teenage heartthrobs go: the Disney Channel.
A study says that children in the U.S. watch an average of five hours of TV a day. Of the five hours, four hours and 50 minutes consists of negative campaign ads.
Facebook has spent $6,600 to fight the proposed Social Network Privacy Act. Do they realize how many FarmVille items they could have bought with that money?
A study says that pregnancy is less likely if the male partner is overweight. Mainly because women don't want to have sex with fat people.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
"More Privacy"
California scientists reportedly over calculated pollution levels by 340%. Apparently they spent too much time in Lindsay Lohan's house.
CBS is reportedly ready to let Katie Couric go, and the word is she may end up at CNN. CNN's new slogan: We take the crap that nobody else wants.
China could become the second wealthiest nation in the world by 2015. In response, China said, "None of this could have been possible without the children".
Software is being developed that can slim actors down on screen. Don't we already have that? It's called "anorexia".
Eminem says he doesn’t allow profanity in his home. That's like Lindsay Lohan having an alcohol-free refrigerator.
A study says that men sweat more than women. Mainly because women don't want to get that hot new shirt dirty.
Both parents and teens want more privacy online, according to a survey. "Not gonna happen", said Facebook.
The most popular Halloween costume this year is the cast of “Jersey Shore”. Hey, at least when you dress like Jersey Shore, you can keep the orange theme of Halloween.
A study is linking eating disorders to self-injury. Especially when the doctor tells you that you have an eating disorder.
Anderson Cooper says he is shocked that a movie trailer is using the phrase “That’s so gay.” Especially since it isn't Glee.
Research shows that 7% of all babies in the U.S. have their own e-mail address. Thanks a lot, E-Trade.
That's all I have for today! More coming later!
CBS is reportedly ready to let Katie Couric go, and the word is she may end up at CNN. CNN's new slogan: We take the crap that nobody else wants.
China could become the second wealthiest nation in the world by 2015. In response, China said, "None of this could have been possible without the children".
Software is being developed that can slim actors down on screen. Don't we already have that? It's called "anorexia".
Eminem says he doesn’t allow profanity in his home. That's like Lindsay Lohan having an alcohol-free refrigerator.
A study says that men sweat more than women. Mainly because women don't want to get that hot new shirt dirty.
Both parents and teens want more privacy online, according to a survey. "Not gonna happen", said Facebook.
The most popular Halloween costume this year is the cast of “Jersey Shore”. Hey, at least when you dress like Jersey Shore, you can keep the orange theme of Halloween.
A study is linking eating disorders to self-injury. Especially when the doctor tells you that you have an eating disorder.
Anderson Cooper says he is shocked that a movie trailer is using the phrase “That’s so gay.” Especially since it isn't Glee.
Research shows that 7% of all babies in the U.S. have their own e-mail address. Thanks a lot, E-Trade.
That's all I have for today! More coming later!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
"Gigantic Home Run"
Capcom is planning to launch a Facebook game in October. It'll combine the elements of Capcom as well as the elements of Facebook games. They are calling it "Resident E-Ville".
Audi gave Tom Brady a new car after his recent crash. Because if anybody needs a car for free, it's the guy who just got a multimillion dollar contract to play in the NFL.
Judge Judy has knocked Oprah out of the top spot in daytime TV. And she didn't even take anybody to Australia.
Macy’s says that Madonna’s new line of clothes is a “Big, gigantic home run”. When she heard "Big, gigantic home run", Madonna said, "Oh, I'm done with A-Rod".
U.S. scientists have created robots that can not only lie and deceive other robots, but people as well. To make it go even a step further, they gave it the ability to sell insurance.
That's it for today! I couldn't find many news stories today, but I'll have more tomorrow!
Audi gave Tom Brady a new car after his recent crash. Because if anybody needs a car for free, it's the guy who just got a multimillion dollar contract to play in the NFL.
Judge Judy has knocked Oprah out of the top spot in daytime TV. And she didn't even take anybody to Australia.
Macy’s says that Madonna’s new line of clothes is a “Big, gigantic home run”. When she heard "Big, gigantic home run", Madonna said, "Oh, I'm done with A-Rod".
U.S. scientists have created robots that can not only lie and deceive other robots, but people as well. To make it go even a step further, they gave it the ability to sell insurance.
That's it for today! I couldn't find many news stories today, but I'll have more tomorrow!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
"An Alleged Miracle"
Joke of the Day: A study says that brass instruments can cause lung disease. Especially when you play them.
A Florida church has vowed to go ahead with its “Burn a Koran Day”. In response, Al-Qaeda said that their number one target is now retirement communities.
Tiger Woods has been named to the US Ryder Cup team. Tiger then said that he thought that Ryder meant something totally different.
The University of Baltimore is offering a course on “Zombies”. Well, they dropped it back in 1992, but now, the University of Baltimore is glad that it came back to life.
Doctors are analyzing an alleged miracle involving Pope John Paul II. He's dead. If Pope John Paul II does anything, it's a miracle.
The Tea Party continues to post negative ratings. In other news, Osama bin Laden says that he doesn't like the United States.
Research shows that young adults are staying away form the stock market. Maybe you don't have to be old to be wise.
A study says that Facebook can lower grades by 20%. Even the scientists who did this study were stunned. Our grades can get lower?
New research says that even bugs have their own individual personalities. In addition, 99% of that personality involves them annoying the hell out of us.
One Million French people took to the streets to protest an increase in the retirement age. To which Americans said, "What's a retirement age?".
A zoo in England put a 200-pound orangutan on a diet and exercise after her previous owner fed her nothing but marshmallows and candy. You know a monkey needs help when they don't even eat bananas.
“America's Got Talent” judge Piers Morgan will take over for Larry King on CNN in January. They are actually very different. One is a grumpy old man who thinks that he deserves to be famous, and the other one is Larry King.
A Kentucky farmer says his corn is popping while still on the stalk, a phenomenon agricultural experts are blaming on low rainfall and high heat. This must explain why corn pops in the microwave.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
A Florida church has vowed to go ahead with its “Burn a Koran Day”. In response, Al-Qaeda said that their number one target is now retirement communities.
Tiger Woods has been named to the US Ryder Cup team. Tiger then said that he thought that Ryder meant something totally different.
The University of Baltimore is offering a course on “Zombies”. Well, they dropped it back in 1992, but now, the University of Baltimore is glad that it came back to life.
Doctors are analyzing an alleged miracle involving Pope John Paul II. He's dead. If Pope John Paul II does anything, it's a miracle.
The Tea Party continues to post negative ratings. In other news, Osama bin Laden says that he doesn't like the United States.
Research shows that young adults are staying away form the stock market. Maybe you don't have to be old to be wise.
A study says that Facebook can lower grades by 20%. Even the scientists who did this study were stunned. Our grades can get lower?
New research says that even bugs have their own individual personalities. In addition, 99% of that personality involves them annoying the hell out of us.
One Million French people took to the streets to protest an increase in the retirement age. To which Americans said, "What's a retirement age?".
A zoo in England put a 200-pound orangutan on a diet and exercise after her previous owner fed her nothing but marshmallows and candy. You know a monkey needs help when they don't even eat bananas.
“America's Got Talent” judge Piers Morgan will take over for Larry King on CNN in January. They are actually very different. One is a grumpy old man who thinks that he deserves to be famous, and the other one is Larry King.
A Kentucky farmer says his corn is popping while still on the stalk, a phenomenon agricultural experts are blaming on low rainfall and high heat. This must explain why corn pops in the microwave.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
"September Effect"
The wealthiest members of Congress grew even richer in 2009, with the top 50 members of Congress worth a combined $1.4 Billion. In that case, why are they voting to give themselves payraises?
An Iranian newspaper says that the wife of French President Nikolas Sarkozy deserves death because of her "perverted lifestyle". This is a country who thinks Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a good example.
Investors are bracing for the "September effect" where stocks traditionally do worse than in other months. In other words, stocks are almost exactly like the New York Mets.
President Obama says now that the War in Iraq is over, the top priority is to fix the economy. These acts are known as "Operation George W. Who?".
Wrigley Field in Chicago is offering a peanut free skybox for people with food allergies. In fact, they have even made modifications to baseball tradition for these people. Now, during "Take Me Out To The Ballgame", lyrics were changed to, "Don't buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack".
The Miami Dolphins stopped practice to crawl over the field looking for a $50,000 earring dropped by defensive end Kendall Langford. Did they check his helmet?
The CEO of Facebook asked that his private life be kept out of a lawsuit about the company. This is the first time that "Facebook" and "private life" have been used in the same sentence.
A California woman got stuck in the chimney of her boyfriend’s house and was found dead days later. You know you are fat when Santa Claus doesn't get stuck in the chimney and you do.
The United States defeated Iran 88-51 in the world basketball championship. This is the first time that "United States defeated Iran" has been used in a sentence together.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
An Iranian newspaper says that the wife of French President Nikolas Sarkozy deserves death because of her "perverted lifestyle". This is a country who thinks Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a good example.
Investors are bracing for the "September effect" where stocks traditionally do worse than in other months. In other words, stocks are almost exactly like the New York Mets.
President Obama says now that the War in Iraq is over, the top priority is to fix the economy. These acts are known as "Operation George W. Who?".
Wrigley Field in Chicago is offering a peanut free skybox for people with food allergies. In fact, they have even made modifications to baseball tradition for these people. Now, during "Take Me Out To The Ballgame", lyrics were changed to, "Don't buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack".
The Miami Dolphins stopped practice to crawl over the field looking for a $50,000 earring dropped by defensive end Kendall Langford. Did they check his helmet?
The CEO of Facebook asked that his private life be kept out of a lawsuit about the company. This is the first time that "Facebook" and "private life" have been used in the same sentence.
A California woman got stuck in the chimney of her boyfriend’s house and was found dead days later. You know you are fat when Santa Claus doesn't get stuck in the chimney and you do.
The United States defeated Iran 88-51 in the world basketball championship. This is the first time that "United States defeated Iran" has been used in a sentence together.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
