The Giants beat the Patriots in Super Bowl XLVI by a score of 21-17. This shows how bad the Patriots are. Bill Belichick couldn't even cheat his way to victory.
The TSA has been training hot dog vendors at the Super Bowl to spot possible terrorists. The TSA and hot dog vendors: Two groups of people who work extensively with wieners.
Researchers say that the best way to avoid eating junk food is to just put it off until later. I'm no scientist, but I think the best way to avoid junk food is to not fucking buy it.
A study says that people using drugs like cocaine, amphetamines and opiates into their 50s are more common than previously thought. The study is entitled, "Whitney and Bobby".
A 9 year old boy in a Catholic school in Minnesota was suspended for performing Michael Jackson’s crotch grabbing dance. Finally! A 9 year old boy's crotch grabbed by somebody other than a priest.
Newt Gingrich’s campaign is now $600,000 in debt. Just like the all-you-can-eat buffet he went to last night.
A study says that Mars is too dry to sustain life. Like the average MILF's vagina.
A new blood test may be able to diagnose people with depression. Is that where "negative" blood types come from?
Research says that more teens are turning to Twitter as their primary source of communication. Mainly because all our parents found out about Facebook.
President Obama says he deserves to be reelected. I don't think I can handle another four years of Republicans not allowing him to do anything.
President Obama says he deserves to be reelected. Considering his competition, his reelection pretty much a guarantee.
A former White House intern says she had an 18-month affair with John F. Kennedy. However, I find this woman to be a sick human being. She said the affair ended in 1965.
The New England Patriots were offered an all-expenses paid vacation to Aruba after yesterday's loss to the Giants. Everyone in Indianapolis hopes Joran Van Der Sloot is still there.
That's all I have for today! Sorry I rarely post, everybody. I'm just extremely busy on Twitter and stuff. Follow me on there (@GroperCleveland)! Anyway, more coming later!
Showing posts with label Twitter. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Twitter. Show all posts
Monday, February 6, 2012
Friday, October 21, 2011
"The Luckiest Town"
Libyan dictator Moammar Qaddafi has been killed. Or Gaddafi. Or Gadhafi. Or Khadafy. Or Ochocinco. I don't know. Point is, the dumbass is dead.
San Francisco is offering a tax break to businesses that hire ex-felons. This is great news for the Cincinnati Bengals.
The price of stamps at the Post Office will go up a penny next year. In other news, e-mail was invented 30 years ago.
Twitter claims there are now 250 Million tweets a day. And five of these are not about how much swag Justin Bieber supposedly has.
A Japanese engineer has taken Pi out to 10 Trillion digits. And guess what ladies! He's single!
A top NFL executive says having no stadium plan could endanger the Minnesota Vikings franchise. I think Donovan McNabb already endangered it enough.
San Diego was recently rated the luckiest town in the United States. I think the Padres will beg to differ.
A report says that women drivers are more at risk for injury in car crashes. Especially when they are the ones driving.
A study says that one in eight parents go online before taking their kids to the ER. The other seven have children that are still alive.
Justin Bieber recently said that his fans are perfect. Then he took a drug test and tested positive for hallucinogens.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
San Francisco is offering a tax break to businesses that hire ex-felons. This is great news for the Cincinnati Bengals.
The price of stamps at the Post Office will go up a penny next year. In other news, e-mail was invented 30 years ago.
Twitter claims there are now 250 Million tweets a day. And five of these are not about how much swag Justin Bieber supposedly has.
A Japanese engineer has taken Pi out to 10 Trillion digits. And guess what ladies! He's single!
A top NFL executive says having no stadium plan could endanger the Minnesota Vikings franchise. I think Donovan McNabb already endangered it enough.
San Diego was recently rated the luckiest town in the United States. I think the Padres will beg to differ.
A report says that women drivers are more at risk for injury in car crashes. Especially when they are the ones driving.
A study says that one in eight parents go online before taking their kids to the ER. The other seven have children that are still alive.
Justin Bieber recently said that his fans are perfect. Then he took a drug test and tested positive for hallucinogens.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Saturday, September 10, 2011
"Mistakenly Tweeted"
A Dutch woman has been charged with calling her ex-boyfriend 65,000 times in the past year. When hearing of the allegations, the man said, "Hold on. I gotta take this."
Texas has set a record for the hottest summer of any state in U.S. history. Maybe they should give those gas chambers a break.
Twitter says it now has 100 Million monthly users. And 99% of them are either celebrities, black people, or Justin Bieber fans.
The son of a millionaire in Virginia won $107 million in the Megamillions lottery. That voice you just heard is a poor person's voice saying, "You've gotta be kidding me".
CBS News mistakenly tweeted that former Apple CEO Steve Jobs had died. They retracted the tweet a minute later, only to release the second version of the tweet.
Actor Cliff Robertson, who played John F. Kennedy in the movie "PT-109", has died at the age of 88. I knew I shouldn't have bought him that convertible...
That's all I have for today! Let's all remember the innocent victims of 9/11. I'm glad Obama took out bin Laden before the anniversary.
Texas has set a record for the hottest summer of any state in U.S. history. Maybe they should give those gas chambers a break.
Twitter says it now has 100 Million monthly users. And 99% of them are either celebrities, black people, or Justin Bieber fans.
The son of a millionaire in Virginia won $107 million in the Megamillions lottery. That voice you just heard is a poor person's voice saying, "You've gotta be kidding me".
CBS News mistakenly tweeted that former Apple CEO Steve Jobs had died. They retracted the tweet a minute later, only to release the second version of the tweet.
Actor Cliff Robertson, who played John F. Kennedy in the movie "PT-109", has died at the age of 88. I knew I shouldn't have bought him that convertible...
That's all I have for today! Let's all remember the innocent victims of 9/11. I'm glad Obama took out bin Laden before the anniversary.
Monday, June 20, 2011
"Too Drunk To Sing"
An Israeli court has sentenced a dog to be stoned to death. In America, we call being stoned to death "An overdose".
A report says that Afghanistan is the most dangerous place in the world for women. Coming in a close second: the Pittsburgh Steelers' locker room.
A study says that one in three people regret a past tweet or post on the Internet. The other two people pretty much have nothing to lose.
Anthony Weiner has been offered a cameo role on "Entourage". Seriously though, the last thing he needs right now is to be in front of a camera.
A study says that smells can affect people's behavior. This explains why New Jersey is in such turmoil.
Amy Winehouse was booed at a concert recently because she appeared "too drunk to sing". Too drunk to sing? That woman is too drunk to function.
One of Hillary Clinton's former interns has become a porn star. What is it with the Clintons and slutty interns?
Jackass star Ryan Dunn has died at the age of 34 in a car crash. His last words were, "Did you guys get that on camera?".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A report says that Afghanistan is the most dangerous place in the world for women. Coming in a close second: the Pittsburgh Steelers' locker room.
A study says that one in three people regret a past tweet or post on the Internet. The other two people pretty much have nothing to lose.
Anthony Weiner has been offered a cameo role on "Entourage". Seriously though, the last thing he needs right now is to be in front of a camera.
A study says that smells can affect people's behavior. This explains why New Jersey is in such turmoil.
Amy Winehouse was booed at a concert recently because she appeared "too drunk to sing". Too drunk to sing? That woman is too drunk to function.
One of Hillary Clinton's former interns has become a porn star. What is it with the Clintons and slutty interns?
Jackass star Ryan Dunn has died at the age of 34 in a car crash. His last words were, "Did you guys get that on camera?".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, April 21, 2011
"Shorter Relationships"
Malaysia is sending effeminate boys to military boot camp. I hope you're ready, Bieber.
A report says the most stressful career is that of a pilot. Because nothing is more stressful than being allowed to drink on the job.
A survey says that frequent Twitter users have shorter relationships. And really frequent Twitter users don't have relationships at all.
A study says that music may delay the onset of dementia. That is, unless you absolutely suck on "Don't Forget The Lyrics".
A study says that people eat more after seeing overweight people. The study was conducted wherever I was.
There are rumors surfacing that the Chicago Cubs may have thrown the 1918 World Series against the Boston Red Sox. It's not that they threw the World Series. They are just that bad.
That;s all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A report says the most stressful career is that of a pilot. Because nothing is more stressful than being allowed to drink on the job.
A survey says that frequent Twitter users have shorter relationships. And really frequent Twitter users don't have relationships at all.
A study says that music may delay the onset of dementia. That is, unless you absolutely suck on "Don't Forget The Lyrics".
A study says that people eat more after seeing overweight people. The study was conducted wherever I was.
There are rumors surfacing that the Chicago Cubs may have thrown the 1918 World Series against the Boston Red Sox. It's not that they threw the World Series. They are just that bad.
That;s all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, March 14, 2011
"Too White"
An independent report for Congress says the U.S. military is too white and too male in the top positions. I didn't know the U.S. military could be compared to a high school chess team.
Justin Bieber is reportedly trying to grow a mustache. I thought only guys had the ability to do that.
An iPhone app takes a picture every 30 seconds and gives a review of what the person carrying the phone has done all day. Isn't that what Twitter is for?
A woman jumped to her death at a library in Salt Lake City. I thought that when someone died at a library, they died of boredom.
Many U.S. millionaires are saying that having $7 million is not enough to be rich. How retarded would you sound if you said, "I'm not rich, I only have $7 million to my name".
A study says that 40% of depressed dads have spanked their one-year-old sons. Spanking a one-year-old boy is common for depressed dads and pedophiles.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Justin Bieber is reportedly trying to grow a mustache. I thought only guys had the ability to do that.
An iPhone app takes a picture every 30 seconds and gives a review of what the person carrying the phone has done all day. Isn't that what Twitter is for?
A woman jumped to her death at a library in Salt Lake City. I thought that when someone died at a library, they died of boredom.
Many U.S. millionaires are saying that having $7 million is not enough to be rich. How retarded would you sound if you said, "I'm not rich, I only have $7 million to my name".
A study says that 40% of depressed dads have spanked their one-year-old sons. Spanking a one-year-old boy is common for depressed dads and pedophiles.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, February 24, 2011
My Tweet On Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
I have officially entered the Late Night scene! How about it!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Hey! Guess What!
Guess what? I'm on Twitter! Finally, another website for my crappy jokes.
Follow me @ AlexSchubs
Follow me @ AlexSchubs
Monday, June 7, 2010
"Totally Broke"
Joke of the Day: June 3rd was National Repeat Day. In other news, June 3rd was National Repeat Day.
A porn actor suspect of killing a friend moved to the edge of a cliff while evading police and fell to his death. Who knew that Wile E. Coyote was in the porn business?
Researchers are studying the effects of having students stand instead of sit during class. One effect: it makes their cell phones more noticeable when they text.
British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward says he won’t resign and that his company will recover from the Gulf oil spill. This was said after he threw a penny into a fountain at a New Orleans mall.
Sarah Ferguson says she is “totally broke”. Now we know why she made a deal to meet Prince Andrew.
Apple CEO Steve Jobs says that AT&T is improving its network. I guess somebody was able to have a call go through.
A new study says that children of lesbian couples are better adjusted socially and academically than children from traditional families. That's because those kids don't have a dad that could be a bad influence.
Three people were killed and several others injured after a natural gas line in north Texas erupted Monday. To which BP said, "Oh no, not again. There's another gas leak for us to not fix".
An Indonesian census has revealed the possibility of a 157-year old woman. Or, as Larry King calls her, "my granddaughter".
Police said a naked man yelling that he was 'Jesus' was the catalyst for a five-vehicle accident that injured three people and slowed traffic for nearly six hours. The man has been sentenced to death by crucifixion.
Cereal maker Kellogg Co has agreed to drop advertising claims that Rice Krispies will strengthen children's immune systems. Now, it may cause their immune systems to snap, crackle, and pop.
An Australian cafe is claiming a world record after cooking a giant hamburger with a 178 lb patty. It takes 12 hours to cook, four men to flip, and Kirstie Alley to eat.
A Canadian has won a contest for writing the "world's most beautiful tweet." The tweet: After this, I'm going to get a life.
More medical care won't necessarily make you healthier — it may make you sicker. Especially when you look at the hospital bill.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
A porn actor suspect of killing a friend moved to the edge of a cliff while evading police and fell to his death. Who knew that Wile E. Coyote was in the porn business?
Researchers are studying the effects of having students stand instead of sit during class. One effect: it makes their cell phones more noticeable when they text.
British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward says he won’t resign and that his company will recover from the Gulf oil spill. This was said after he threw a penny into a fountain at a New Orleans mall.
Sarah Ferguson says she is “totally broke”. Now we know why she made a deal to meet Prince Andrew.
Apple CEO Steve Jobs says that AT&T is improving its network. I guess somebody was able to have a call go through.
A new study says that children of lesbian couples are better adjusted socially and academically than children from traditional families. That's because those kids don't have a dad that could be a bad influence.
Three people were killed and several others injured after a natural gas line in north Texas erupted Monday. To which BP said, "Oh no, not again. There's another gas leak for us to not fix".
An Indonesian census has revealed the possibility of a 157-year old woman. Or, as Larry King calls her, "my granddaughter".
Police said a naked man yelling that he was 'Jesus' was the catalyst for a five-vehicle accident that injured three people and slowed traffic for nearly six hours. The man has been sentenced to death by crucifixion.
Cereal maker Kellogg Co has agreed to drop advertising claims that Rice Krispies will strengthen children's immune systems. Now, it may cause their immune systems to snap, crackle, and pop.
An Australian cafe is claiming a world record after cooking a giant hamburger with a 178 lb patty. It takes 12 hours to cook, four men to flip, and Kirstie Alley to eat.
A Canadian has won a contest for writing the "world's most beautiful tweet." The tweet: After this, I'm going to get a life.
More medical care won't necessarily make you healthier — it may make you sicker. Especially when you look at the hospital bill.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, March 26, 2010
"Animals Over Men"
A new survey from an online Harris Poll says that 24% of Republicans think Pres. Obama may be the antichrist. The other 76% think he's the President.
Urologists say that since vasectomies require men to sit for long periods of time to recover, March Madness gives patients a great excuse to watch games. In a related story, President Obama is no longer able to have children.
Utah police say a man accused of stealing two phones from a convenience store was arrested when he flagged down the investigating officer and asked for directions. It wasn't very hard to catch the man since the directions were, "Drive about one mile, take a right, and the jail should be the second building on your left".
Director Ridley Scott's "Robin Hood," starring Russell Crowe in the role of the famed outlaw, will open the Cannes Film Festival on May 12. Wait, if Russell Crowe plays the famed outlaw, who's going to play Robin Hood?
The Washington State Patrol says former "American Idol" star Sanjaya Malakar was caught speeding 110 mph on Interstate 405 outside of Seattle at Kirkland. Apparently Sanjaya still thinks he's on "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here".
The Washington State Patrol says former "American Idol" star Sanjaya Malakar was caught speeding 110 mph on Interstate 405 outside of Seattle at Kirkland. Since he's Sanjaya, police recommended that he keep his Toyota.
Rumors that Octomom Nadya Suleman may do porn have been shot down, and she wants to advertise for PETA because she prefers "Animals over men". And men across the country prefer animals over Nadya.
On June 18, the public can step into the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, the much-anticipated new attraction inside Universal Orlando's Islands of Adventure park. It's nothing much really. The only ride includes a broomstick and a zipline.
115 countries around the world will go dark for an hour on March 27th to commemorate Earth Hour. The US, on the other hand, plans to give Twitter updates on how Earth Hour is going for them.
A study says that busy hospitals have lower death rates. That's because a busy hospital means doctors that actually do work.
That's it for now! More later!
Urologists say that since vasectomies require men to sit for long periods of time to recover, March Madness gives patients a great excuse to watch games. In a related story, President Obama is no longer able to have children.
Utah police say a man accused of stealing two phones from a convenience store was arrested when he flagged down the investigating officer and asked for directions. It wasn't very hard to catch the man since the directions were, "Drive about one mile, take a right, and the jail should be the second building on your left".
Director Ridley Scott's "Robin Hood," starring Russell Crowe in the role of the famed outlaw, will open the Cannes Film Festival on May 12. Wait, if Russell Crowe plays the famed outlaw, who's going to play Robin Hood?
The Washington State Patrol says former "American Idol" star Sanjaya Malakar was caught speeding 110 mph on Interstate 405 outside of Seattle at Kirkland. Apparently Sanjaya still thinks he's on "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here".
The Washington State Patrol says former "American Idol" star Sanjaya Malakar was caught speeding 110 mph on Interstate 405 outside of Seattle at Kirkland. Since he's Sanjaya, police recommended that he keep his Toyota.
Rumors that Octomom Nadya Suleman may do porn have been shot down, and she wants to advertise for PETA because she prefers "Animals over men". And men across the country prefer animals over Nadya.
On June 18, the public can step into the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, the much-anticipated new attraction inside Universal Orlando's Islands of Adventure park. It's nothing much really. The only ride includes a broomstick and a zipline.
115 countries around the world will go dark for an hour on March 27th to commemorate Earth Hour. The US, on the other hand, plans to give Twitter updates on how Earth Hour is going for them.
A study says that busy hospitals have lower death rates. That's because a busy hospital means doctors that actually do work.
That's it for now! More later!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
"Drugged Driving"
College professors are starting to ban laptop computers from the classroom. They are sick of teaching the class via Twitter updates.
Mike Dunleavy was fired as General Manager of the Los Angeles Clippers after resigning as Head Coach. The team statement says “The Clippers want to win now.” I think it would help the Clippers if they were a professional basketball team.
The U.S. says that “Drugged driving” is a growing threat on the nation’s highways. Actually, they meant "drunken driving", but the U.S. had a bad cold today.
South Africa wants a billion condoms imported for the upcoming World Cup. I like their intentions, but condoms won't solve their trafficking problem.
Chad Ochocinco says dancing is really hard because it's not something he's used to doing. At least not outside an end zone.
Happy Birthday to Chuck Norris, who turns 70 years old today. When it was time to sing Happy Birthday, he made a wish, blew out the candles, and caused the world's strongest hurricane.
Former Rep. Eric Massa, who resigned from Congress after sexual harassment allegations, said Tuesday that he groped a male staffer but denied that it was sexual. That's like gaining weight and saying food was not involved.
A study says that the number of millionaires in the U.S. went up 16% last year. The other 84% were either already millionaires, in serious poverty, or holders of health insurance policies.
Harry Smith from “The Early Show” on CBS had a colonoscopy live on the air. Talk about a gruesome sight. It was so bad that people actually preferred to watch NBC.
That's it for tonight. Sorry but I have to go. Goodbye!
Mike Dunleavy was fired as General Manager of the Los Angeles Clippers after resigning as Head Coach. The team statement says “The Clippers want to win now.” I think it would help the Clippers if they were a professional basketball team.
The U.S. says that “Drugged driving” is a growing threat on the nation’s highways. Actually, they meant "drunken driving", but the U.S. had a bad cold today.
South Africa wants a billion condoms imported for the upcoming World Cup. I like their intentions, but condoms won't solve their trafficking problem.
Chad Ochocinco says dancing is really hard because it's not something he's used to doing. At least not outside an end zone.
Happy Birthday to Chuck Norris, who turns 70 years old today. When it was time to sing Happy Birthday, he made a wish, blew out the candles, and caused the world's strongest hurricane.
Former Rep. Eric Massa, who resigned from Congress after sexual harassment allegations, said Tuesday that he groped a male staffer but denied that it was sexual. That's like gaining weight and saying food was not involved.
A study says that the number of millionaires in the U.S. went up 16% last year. The other 84% were either already millionaires, in serious poverty, or holders of health insurance policies.
Harry Smith from “The Early Show” on CBS had a colonoscopy live on the air. Talk about a gruesome sight. It was so bad that people actually preferred to watch NBC.
That's it for tonight. Sorry but I have to go. Goodbye!
Sunday, February 21, 2010
"Negotiating A Blockbuster Deal"
There are reports that the St. Louis Rams and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are negotiating a blockbuster deal. That is, Tampa Bay trades their starting quarterback for a Blockbuster gift card.
A man who is only 22 inches (56 centimeters) tall left his home country of Nepal on Sunday in a quest to be recognized as the world's shortest man. It's not a matter of whether he'll be recognized, I think he has to be seen.
A governor who once led national Democrats say President Barack Obama's White House needs to change its political strategy. Oh NOW this guy speaks up.
For tech-savvy singles who are unlucky in love, Twitter has come up with a new dating site to make those singles even more unlucky.
Tiger Woods said in his apology yesterday, "I'm sorry for everything that I have done." Everything? More like "Everyone"...
This obesity epidemic is getting out of hand. It's so bad that even fat people are too lazy to drive to McDonalds.
Many experts are saying that "The Biggest Loser" pushes contestants too hard. I agree. It's hard enough for them to get off the couch to make microwave burritos, now they have to exercise?
I wonder what police officers do if they find marijuana in someone's pocket. It would either be classified as evidence of why the guy should be arrested or why they eat so many donuts.
Free-agent slugger Carlos Delgado is expected to be sidelined for four months after undergoing hip surgery in Colorado. I think he's old enough to be having hip replacement surgery now.
The hit squad that killed a senior Hamas official in Dubai may have entered the country using diplomatic passports. It's also the first time that Dubai has had anything diplomatic.
That's it for now! More tomorrow!
A man who is only 22 inches (56 centimeters) tall left his home country of Nepal on Sunday in a quest to be recognized as the world's shortest man. It's not a matter of whether he'll be recognized, I think he has to be seen.
A governor who once led national Democrats say President Barack Obama's White House needs to change its political strategy. Oh NOW this guy speaks up.
For tech-savvy singles who are unlucky in love, Twitter has come up with a new dating site to make those singles even more unlucky.
Tiger Woods said in his apology yesterday, "I'm sorry for everything that I have done." Everything? More like "Everyone"...
This obesity epidemic is getting out of hand. It's so bad that even fat people are too lazy to drive to McDonalds.
Many experts are saying that "The Biggest Loser" pushes contestants too hard. I agree. It's hard enough for them to get off the couch to make microwave burritos, now they have to exercise?
I wonder what police officers do if they find marijuana in someone's pocket. It would either be classified as evidence of why the guy should be arrested or why they eat so many donuts.
Free-agent slugger Carlos Delgado is expected to be sidelined for four months after undergoing hip surgery in Colorado. I think he's old enough to be having hip replacement surgery now.
The hit squad that killed a senior Hamas official in Dubai may have entered the country using diplomatic passports. It's also the first time that Dubai has had anything diplomatic.
That's it for now! More tomorrow!
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