"A Lindsay Lohan Wannabe"

Joke of the Day: A survey says that 60% of Americans are satisfied with the way they look. The other 40% of people are known as "women".

Fewer and fewer candidates are seeking campaign help from President Obama. I don't think it was the campaign that was the problem. It's what he does while in office.

Sarah Palin has joined the ranks of those saying the Koran should not be burned. She added, "I think that burning a Koran would anger their dictator, Kim Jong-Il".

Singer Morrissey says the Chinese are some kind of sub-species. In his defense, I don't think any other human child actually does manual labor.

Fidel Castro admitted in an interview that the Cuban economic model doesn’t work. He isn't in power anymore; he can say whatever he wants.

Hillary Clinton is calling a plan to burn Korans at a Florida church a “disgraceful act”. And she stayed married to Bill after the sex scandal.

Condom machines have been installed in a San Francisco jail. The scary part: it's an all-male jail.

Corruption is reportedly costing Afghanistan billions of dollars. Welcome to our world, Afghanistan.

A study says that while chronic drinking is bad, quitting suddenly can be even worse. Alcoholics call this "an excuse".

Snooki from MTV’s “Jersey Shore” was fined $500 for antagonizing beachgoers in New Jersey. She plead "not guilty by personality".

A judge called Snooki from MTV’s “Jersey Shore” a “Lindsay Lohan wannabe”. The difference is that Lindsay Lohan's hair is orange, while Snooki's skin is orange.

Spencer Pratt has apologized to Heidi Montag for his behavior regarding their breakup. If only he can apologize to the rest of the world for being on TV.

NFL season ticket sales have dropped for the third straight year. That's because they figured if they want to watch the game in a dirty environment with crappy food, it would be cheaper to go to a bar.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"The First Female President"

A study says that drivers and cars are ill-equipped to cope with panic situations. The study has been entitled, "Road Rage".

During New Orleans’ parade honoring the Super Bowl champion Saints Tuesday, police were ordered to restrict the appearance of boobs. Police said, "Please don't flash your boobs at all. That's what Mardi Gras is for."

Rapper Lil Wayne had his sentencing in a weapons case postponed so he could get some dental work done. I'm not sure another grill qualifies as dental work.

A woman in Cuba claims to be the oldest person on earth at the age of 125. To which Larry King said, "Like hell you are".

A woman in Cuba claims to be the oldest person on earth at the age of 125. To me, this is a miracle. How did she survive through 50 years of Fidel Castro.

An Australian banker who became an internet sensation after he was caught on live television viewing images of a scantily clad supermodel on his computer will keep his job. You know what that's called here in America? Deal Or No Deal.

The man who stalked ESPN reporter Erin Andrews and shot nude videos of her through a hotel room peephole videotaped 16 other women. Suzy Kolber, Linda Cohn...

Laura Chinchilla of the centre-left National Liberation Party has been elected the first female President of Costa Rica. To which Costa Ricans said, "Oh great, now we are going to be run by a South American rabbit".

Thanks for reading everybody! More to come tomorrow.