Nearly 1 in 6 Americans lives in poverty. The other five don't invest in stocks.
Olympic gold medalist Carl Lewis is running for the state senate in New Jersey. I expect him to win, because, of course, it involves running.
New York City had 342 reports of suspicious packages over the 9/11 anniversary weekend. Suspicious packages in NYC? Insert Anthony Weiner joke here...
A study says that night owls are more likely to have nightmares. How can you have a nightmare if you sleep during the day?
A Youtube video features a man who performs 34 “Star Wars” voice impressions. And guess what ladies, he's single!
Iran has banned TV programs showing half-naked men and love triangles. I'm guessing Ahmadinejad tuned in to Jersey Shore.
Former White House party crasher Michaele Salahi was reported to be kidnapped, but it turns out she ran off with the guitarist from Journey. As to where she ran off, check all the parties she wasn't invited to.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Stocks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Stocks. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
"Electric Taxis"
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg wants big cities to start using electric taxis. How about cleaner taxis?
Medical researchers have figured out a way to turn a person’s skin into blood. It's called a mosquito.
LA Lakers star Kobe Bryant stars in a new TV ad for the video game “Call Of Duty”. You know what the difference is between Kobe and COD players? Kobe has actually had a girlfriend.
A study says good conversation boosts a person’s brain power. You know what this means? Guests on the Maury Povich show are mentally retarded.
Fox has ordered a new show where contestants are given $1 Million and have it slowly taken away. The title of the show: American Stock Market.
Pennsylvania may outlaw cakes, cookies and candy at school birthday parties. And who says Pennsylvania is doing nothing about the educational system?
Filmgoers have been reportedly fainting during the self-amputation scene in the movie “127 Hours”. You know what Jeffrey Dahmer calls this scene? A huge turn-on.
Charlie Sheen brushed aside questions from his latest meltdown, saying “Can’t a guy have one bad night?”. Everyone in America has had the same response: "Just one?".
President Bush says the financial crisis “blindsided” him. I don't think he knows what "blindsided" is. Bush said it "blindsided" him like that Ravens football player.
Doctors say they are close to making STD tests available through cell phones. This sounds a little confusing. I mean, I can barely fit my cell phone charger in the slot.
A study says that working for food makes it taste better. This means that 10% of Americans hate their food.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Medical researchers have figured out a way to turn a person’s skin into blood. It's called a mosquito.
LA Lakers star Kobe Bryant stars in a new TV ad for the video game “Call Of Duty”. You know what the difference is between Kobe and COD players? Kobe has actually had a girlfriend.
A study says good conversation boosts a person’s brain power. You know what this means? Guests on the Maury Povich show are mentally retarded.
Fox has ordered a new show where contestants are given $1 Million and have it slowly taken away. The title of the show: American Stock Market.
Pennsylvania may outlaw cakes, cookies and candy at school birthday parties. And who says Pennsylvania is doing nothing about the educational system?
Filmgoers have been reportedly fainting during the self-amputation scene in the movie “127 Hours”. You know what Jeffrey Dahmer calls this scene? A huge turn-on.
Charlie Sheen brushed aside questions from his latest meltdown, saying “Can’t a guy have one bad night?”. Everyone in America has had the same response: "Just one?".
President Bush says the financial crisis “blindsided” him. I don't think he knows what "blindsided" is. Bush said it "blindsided" him like that Ravens football player.
Doctors say they are close to making STD tests available through cell phones. This sounds a little confusing. I mean, I can barely fit my cell phone charger in the slot.
A study says that working for food makes it taste better. This means that 10% of Americans hate their food.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
"Broke His Leg"
HELLO!!! OMFG THIS IS MY 200TH POST!!!
Joke of the Day: Today is the first day of autumn. It's that time of year where leaves change color faster than Sammy Sosa.
Larry Summer, the White House’s top economic advisor, says he will leave that position. Wait, someone advises our economy? Where the hell has he been?
President Obama’s aunt says the United States is obligated to make her a US citizen. Things got a little weird when his aunt said, "Haha, beat you to it".
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad blamed capitalism for poverty in the world. In other words, it's our fault.
NFL star Reggie Bush, who returned his Heisman Trophy without apologizing, broke his leg in Monday night’s game. Bush plans to be out of football for a while. Unless he is ruled ineligible.
Denver Broncos WR Kenny McKinley has committed suicide. He killed himself after he realized that he plays for the Denver Broncos.
British children's weekly pocket money has fallen to a seven-year low, in a sign parents are still cutting back on non-essential spending. Even more scary, buying dental hygiene products is considered non-essential spending to the British.
Studies suggest that larger women earn less than skinnier women. Especially if they work in porn.
A report from George Washington University says that obesity hurts your health. In a related story, I'm overweight and unattractive to women.
Two Indiana kids have died after they spent 10 hours in the closet. You experiment with being gay for one day and this happens...
A study says that iPhone users want to switch Verizon. It's not that they want to switch to Verizon, it's that they want to get the hell off of AT&T.
The U.S. has fallen behind world markets Brazil, China and India as the best places to invest. When it comes to the best places to invest, who knew the U.S. was ahead of anybody?
A poll says that 35% of Americans would like George W. Bush back in power as President. You know you suck as a President when people prefer George Bush over you.
That's all I have for right now! More coming soon!
Joke of the Day: Today is the first day of autumn. It's that time of year where leaves change color faster than Sammy Sosa.
Larry Summer, the White House’s top economic advisor, says he will leave that position. Wait, someone advises our economy? Where the hell has he been?
President Obama’s aunt says the United States is obligated to make her a US citizen. Things got a little weird when his aunt said, "Haha, beat you to it".
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad blamed capitalism for poverty in the world. In other words, it's our fault.
NFL star Reggie Bush, who returned his Heisman Trophy without apologizing, broke his leg in Monday night’s game. Bush plans to be out of football for a while. Unless he is ruled ineligible.
Denver Broncos WR Kenny McKinley has committed suicide. He killed himself after he realized that he plays for the Denver Broncos.
British children's weekly pocket money has fallen to a seven-year low, in a sign parents are still cutting back on non-essential spending. Even more scary, buying dental hygiene products is considered non-essential spending to the British.
Studies suggest that larger women earn less than skinnier women. Especially if they work in porn.
A report from George Washington University says that obesity hurts your health. In a related story, I'm overweight and unattractive to women.
Two Indiana kids have died after they spent 10 hours in the closet. You experiment with being gay for one day and this happens...
A study says that iPhone users want to switch Verizon. It's not that they want to switch to Verizon, it's that they want to get the hell off of AT&T.
The U.S. has fallen behind world markets Brazil, China and India as the best places to invest. When it comes to the best places to invest, who knew the U.S. was ahead of anybody?
A poll says that 35% of Americans would like George W. Bush back in power as President. You know you suck as a President when people prefer George Bush over you.
That's all I have for right now! More coming soon!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
"An Alleged Miracle"
Joke of the Day: A study says that brass instruments can cause lung disease. Especially when you play them.
A Florida church has vowed to go ahead with its “Burn a Koran Day”. In response, Al-Qaeda said that their number one target is now retirement communities.
Tiger Woods has been named to the US Ryder Cup team. Tiger then said that he thought that Ryder meant something totally different.
The University of Baltimore is offering a course on “Zombies”. Well, they dropped it back in 1992, but now, the University of Baltimore is glad that it came back to life.
Doctors are analyzing an alleged miracle involving Pope John Paul II. He's dead. If Pope John Paul II does anything, it's a miracle.
The Tea Party continues to post negative ratings. In other news, Osama bin Laden says that he doesn't like the United States.
Research shows that young adults are staying away form the stock market. Maybe you don't have to be old to be wise.
A study says that Facebook can lower grades by 20%. Even the scientists who did this study were stunned. Our grades can get lower?
New research says that even bugs have their own individual personalities. In addition, 99% of that personality involves them annoying the hell out of us.
One Million French people took to the streets to protest an increase in the retirement age. To which Americans said, "What's a retirement age?".
A zoo in England put a 200-pound orangutan on a diet and exercise after her previous owner fed her nothing but marshmallows and candy. You know a monkey needs help when they don't even eat bananas.
“America's Got Talent” judge Piers Morgan will take over for Larry King on CNN in January. They are actually very different. One is a grumpy old man who thinks that he deserves to be famous, and the other one is Larry King.
A Kentucky farmer says his corn is popping while still on the stalk, a phenomenon agricultural experts are blaming on low rainfall and high heat. This must explain why corn pops in the microwave.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
A Florida church has vowed to go ahead with its “Burn a Koran Day”. In response, Al-Qaeda said that their number one target is now retirement communities.
Tiger Woods has been named to the US Ryder Cup team. Tiger then said that he thought that Ryder meant something totally different.
The University of Baltimore is offering a course on “Zombies”. Well, they dropped it back in 1992, but now, the University of Baltimore is glad that it came back to life.
Doctors are analyzing an alleged miracle involving Pope John Paul II. He's dead. If Pope John Paul II does anything, it's a miracle.
The Tea Party continues to post negative ratings. In other news, Osama bin Laden says that he doesn't like the United States.
Research shows that young adults are staying away form the stock market. Maybe you don't have to be old to be wise.
A study says that Facebook can lower grades by 20%. Even the scientists who did this study were stunned. Our grades can get lower?
New research says that even bugs have their own individual personalities. In addition, 99% of that personality involves them annoying the hell out of us.
One Million French people took to the streets to protest an increase in the retirement age. To which Americans said, "What's a retirement age?".
A zoo in England put a 200-pound orangutan on a diet and exercise after her previous owner fed her nothing but marshmallows and candy. You know a monkey needs help when they don't even eat bananas.
“America's Got Talent” judge Piers Morgan will take over for Larry King on CNN in January. They are actually very different. One is a grumpy old man who thinks that he deserves to be famous, and the other one is Larry King.
A Kentucky farmer says his corn is popping while still on the stalk, a phenomenon agricultural experts are blaming on low rainfall and high heat. This must explain why corn pops in the microwave.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Monday, August 23, 2010
"A Book To Read"
Well, I'm back from Camp Kodiak! I can now write jokes again. And here they are!
Joke of the Day: A new acne treatment is being associated with causing Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Who knew there was an acne treatment for pimples on your butt?
88 year old Betty White, 69 year old Ann-Margret and 64 year old John Lithgow won Emmy Awards over the weekend. Considering how old they are, shouldn't they be the Grammy awards?
The New York Times says that small investors are leaving the stock market. Apparently these small investors finally realized how bad the stock market is.
North Korea has added Facebook to its list of social networking sites. If you want to join Facebook in North Korea, you have to become a fan of every "Kim Jong-Il is my hero" page on there.
While vacationing in Martha’s Vineyard, Pres. Obama visited a bookstore and bought a book to read to help escape the tough political climate. It's called, "Being President - For Dummies".
Thousands of vehicles were bogged down Monday in a more than 100-kilometer (62-mile) traffic jam leading to Beijing that has lasted nine days. In a related story, Beijing has been renamed "Los Angeles".
An 85-year-old Ohio man was arrested for trying to smuggle pot to his grandson in prison, authorities said. There are millions of Americans asking themselves right now, "Why can't HE be my grandpa?".
Wayne Newton is worried that fame is coming too easily for today's young stars. Especially since most of them have absolutely no talent.
A provocative new study has found that teens in committed relationships do no better or worse in school than those who don't have sex. However, teens who have committed relationships with their teachers get extra credit, and thus do better in school.
That's all I have for today! I'm glad to be back. More tomorrow!
Joke of the Day: A new acne treatment is being associated with causing Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Who knew there was an acne treatment for pimples on your butt?
88 year old Betty White, 69 year old Ann-Margret and 64 year old John Lithgow won Emmy Awards over the weekend. Considering how old they are, shouldn't they be the Grammy awards?
The New York Times says that small investors are leaving the stock market. Apparently these small investors finally realized how bad the stock market is.
North Korea has added Facebook to its list of social networking sites. If you want to join Facebook in North Korea, you have to become a fan of every "Kim Jong-Il is my hero" page on there.
While vacationing in Martha’s Vineyard, Pres. Obama visited a bookstore and bought a book to read to help escape the tough political climate. It's called, "Being President - For Dummies".
Thousands of vehicles were bogged down Monday in a more than 100-kilometer (62-mile) traffic jam leading to Beijing that has lasted nine days. In a related story, Beijing has been renamed "Los Angeles".
An 85-year-old Ohio man was arrested for trying to smuggle pot to his grandson in prison, authorities said. There are millions of Americans asking themselves right now, "Why can't HE be my grandpa?".
Wayne Newton is worried that fame is coming too easily for today's young stars. Especially since most of them have absolutely no talent.
A provocative new study has found that teens in committed relationships do no better or worse in school than those who don't have sex. However, teens who have committed relationships with their teachers get extra credit, and thus do better in school.
That's all I have for today! I'm glad to be back. More tomorrow!
Friday, February 19, 2010
"Rang The Opening Bell"
Sadie, the Scottish Terrier that won the Westminster Dog Show, rang the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange, Thursday. Sadly, she was the most qualified to run the NYSE.
A school district in Pennsylvania used web cams in school-issued laptop computers to spy on students at home. Teachers were not thrilled at all. They wanted them in the students' showers.
The maker of Poligrip denture cream says it will remove zinc from its ingredients. In other words, Wal-Mart will no longer carry Poligrip.
The Department of Homeland Security lost nearly 300 guns between 2006-2008. That department is in Washington, so Gilbert Arenas has been named the prime suspect.
Forbes Magazine has ranked Cleveland as the most miserable city in the U.S. Most likely because their most important person wants to play for the Knicks.
Forbes Magazine has ranked Cleveland as the most miserable city in the U.S. That is, if you are from there and you have a career in sports betting.
Remember when Tiger Woods was rumored to have sexual contact with other men? I guess those "transgressions" should be changed to "transvestites".
An amino acid called isoleucine may play an important role in weight loss, a new study suggests. If only Americans cared about amino acids. Or weight loss.
Elton John recently claimed that Jesus was gay. The Bible claims that Jesus is perfect, and that homosexuality is of the devil. In other words, Elton John is one hell of a reader.
An online effort to draft Hoosier rocker John Mellencamp to run for the U.S. Senate seat being vacated by Indiana's Democratic Sen. Evan Bayh is building up steam. As a matter of fact, there is enough steam for it to hurt so good.
Toyota president Akio Toyoda said Thursday he will testify at a congressional hearing next week about the automaker's massive recalls in the United States. Ironically, he said that he was going to have more problems getting to Congress in the company car.
I hope you enjoyed these jokes! I hope it snows here so we miss more school!
A school district in Pennsylvania used web cams in school-issued laptop computers to spy on students at home. Teachers were not thrilled at all. They wanted them in the students' showers.
The maker of Poligrip denture cream says it will remove zinc from its ingredients. In other words, Wal-Mart will no longer carry Poligrip.
The Department of Homeland Security lost nearly 300 guns between 2006-2008. That department is in Washington, so Gilbert Arenas has been named the prime suspect.
Forbes Magazine has ranked Cleveland as the most miserable city in the U.S. Most likely because their most important person wants to play for the Knicks.
Forbes Magazine has ranked Cleveland as the most miserable city in the U.S. That is, if you are from there and you have a career in sports betting.
Remember when Tiger Woods was rumored to have sexual contact with other men? I guess those "transgressions" should be changed to "transvestites".
An amino acid called isoleucine may play an important role in weight loss, a new study suggests. If only Americans cared about amino acids. Or weight loss.
Elton John recently claimed that Jesus was gay. The Bible claims that Jesus is perfect, and that homosexuality is of the devil. In other words, Elton John is one hell of a reader.
An online effort to draft Hoosier rocker John Mellencamp to run for the U.S. Senate seat being vacated by Indiana's Democratic Sen. Evan Bayh is building up steam. As a matter of fact, there is enough steam for it to hurt so good.
Toyota president Akio Toyoda said Thursday he will testify at a congressional hearing next week about the automaker's massive recalls in the United States. Ironically, he said that he was going to have more problems getting to Congress in the company car.
I hope you enjoyed these jokes! I hope it snows here so we miss more school!
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