"Killing Elephants"

A shipwreck has been found in Lake Michigan. This is not to be mistaken for the city of Detroit, which is a complete trainwreck.

Judge Judy fell ill during a taping of her show and was hospitalized after starting talking gibberish. If you hospitalize people for talking gibberish during a show, someone better inspect the set of Maury Povich.

A town in Ohio has taken the word “Easter” out of its annual egg hunt. Who comes and hides the eggs? The non-denominational man in the bunny suit?

A woman is suing a plastic surgeon because she can’t close her eyes completely following surgery. Someone should enter that chick in a staring contest.

A new website helps college students arrange for casual sex hookups. The website is called "Meetmeontheroof.com".

The CEO of GoDaddy is being criticized for killing elephants. In a related story, Oprah has gone into hiding.

A survey says that 85% of women are annoyed by their Facebook friends. The other 15% of women don't have friends on Spring Break.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Abducted By Aliens"

Tuesday is International Goof-Off Day. I plan to celebrate by doing nothing.

The Nuclear Regulatory Commission says US nuclear reactors are safe. Unfortunately, they said that in Japan, too.

Rocker Sammy Hagar says he was abducted by aliens. Of course, it was a misunderstanding. He tried to say that he was the singer for Van Halen.

The star of ABC’s “The Bachelor”, Brad Womack, was rushed to a Texas hospital. Please tell me that they're going to put him to sleep.

A San Antonio man fired shots at a Taco Bell because the price of its Beefy Crunch Tacos rose from 99 cents to $1.49. And you thought the speeding bullet at Taco Bell was the food going through your digestive system.

A 400 pound Sumo wrestler finished the L.A. Marathon in 9 hours. I knew he was coming when I saw the trail of sweat on the ground.

CBS reportedly wants Charlie Sheen to come back to “Two and a Half Men”. CBS now stands for "Complete Bull Shit".

A survey by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation says the wealthiest people are concerned about being ungrateful, having bratty children and failing to meet expectations. So, like Charlie Sheen.

A study shows that more men are undergoing plastic surgery. When they are finished, the doctors say, "He/she looks fantastic".

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Writing A Memoir"

Dec. 1, 1891, James Naismith invented basketball.  Basketball has existed for 121 years, and the Nets still don't know how to play.

A Harvard University doctor has shown that aging can be reversed in mice.  In Los Angeles, they call that "Plastic surgery".

Snoop Dogg will perform at Prince William’s bachelor’s party.  It's a good idea.  The person in the world with nothing better to do will host Snoop Dogg at his wedding.

Tony Parker’s attorney quit in the middle of his divorce from Eva Longoria.  It's like he plays for the Cincinnati Bengals.

No major hurricanes hit the U.S, mainland for the fifth straight year, despite twelve hurricanes forming in the Atlantic Basin.  So despite several signs that something major would happen, nothing really did.  Kind of like Obama's presidency.

More than eight million people stopped using credit cards last year.  What use do credit cards have if they don't have any money?

Guns will soon be allowed on Amtrak trains.  Or, as people who are full of themselves call them, arms.

An economist says that house prices will “bounce along the bottom” for most of next year.  Kind of like the economy.

A report says that more teens are getting their high school diplomas.  Of course, a high school diploma now is the equivalent of an elementary school education thirty years ago.

The UK is going to limit the export of a drug that is used in executions in the U.S.  Instead of the drugs, the UK is going to send the US their food.

Tiger Woods’ story is going to be dramatized on NBC’s “Law & Order”.  "Law & Order": the two things most lacking in the NFL.

A study says that good looks may actually hurt women in a job interview.  Unless you work in porn.

Kara DioGuardi is writing a memoir of her time as a judge on “American Idol”.  This is another step in the "Anybody Can Write A Book" list.

Kid Rock says that scalpers are ruining his birthday party by buying tickets and reselling them for a higher price.  Of course, how do we know that Kid Rock tickets have any value?

That's all I have for today!  More tomorrow!

"Reliance On Fossil Fuels"

Joke of the Day: A study says that 40% of all teenagers have had sex at least once. The other 60% of teenagers are too busy texting to have sex.

California may ban plastic bags from grocery stores. That's because California is running out of plastic for all the plastic surgery that everyone gets.

May brought lower ratings for Larry King at CNN. This adds to the extensive list of things that have been lower for Larry King.

Ken Griffey, Jr. is retiring from baseball after a 22 year career. Now, it's okay for him to nap during games.

Actress Kristen Stewart says that fame is like being raped. You enjoy it at first, but in the end, you end up getting screwed and pregnant with illegitimate children.

President Obama says reliance on fossil fuels must end. He's saying this because BP is pouring all of them into the Gulf of Mexico.

Biologists say the Gulf oil spill won’t wipe out shrimp in the Gulf. If the shrimp die due to ingesting oil, they'd be perfect for Joe's Crab Shack.

A French man with no arms or legs will attempt to swim across the English Channel. Key word: attempt.

A survey says that talk therapy works as well as taking anti-depressants. In other words, neither one works at all.

A study says that nighttime urination is linked to a higher death risk. That's because people who do this are "older".

Mark McGwire’s wife has given birth to triplets. I thought steroids made McGwire's you-know-what smaller.

While cutting away a piece of the pipe on the Gulf floor, BP’s diamond-tipped saw blade became stuck. How about we work on getting the oil stuck?

That's all for now! More tomorrow!