"The Got Dang Queers"

A man in Boston plotted to cook and eat children. And somehow, he's only the second most notorious Bostonian this year.

Miley Cyrus appears naked on a wrecking ball in her new music video. This is the first time ever that a wrecking ball has gotten herpes.

Rush Limbaugh is writing a children's book. It's going to be called "How the Grinch Stole Your Tax Dollars To Help The Got Dang Queers".

An Afghan woman is wanted for stealing $1.1 Million from a bank she worked at. The real story here is that a woman in Afghanistan has a job.

Ariel Castro committed suicide in his prison cell. He did this after realizing that he's a dude named Ariel.

A study says there is a link between losing sports teams and overweight fans. To put that study in perspective, I root for the Bengals.

Louie Anderson recently did his first 3 meter dive into a pool. The moment was frightening for Louie, but even more frightening for the pool.

The NFL wants to ban large purses for women going to games, which means the only people who will bring purses to games play for the Browns.

A company has developed a cup that detects date rape drugs. "This is a major breakthrough," said Dave Lynch, CEO of Buzzkill Inc.

A new obesity map shows where the fattest Americans are. Which explains why today I was hit on the head by a giant red pin.

That's all for right now! Well, I'm 21 now, which means imma get drunk as fuck loljk I'm just getting into more open mics. The standup is going ok, I'm just trying to find the right stuff to write about.

"Get That Camera Out Of My Face"

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

Ariel Castro was sentenced to life plus 1,000 years in prison. To put that in perspective, that's approximately three Phish songs.

The Royal Baby has been named George Alexander Louis. So the baby was born in 2013, but it was named in 1885.

Michele Bachmann mistakenly received a vibrator in the mail. She described it as "Disgusting, foul, and it smells suspiciously like Marcus."

A Thai college made a banner where Hitler was next to Superman. It got worse when Mel Gibson U made a banner saying "What's the difference?"

A Netherlands woman says she has unwanted orgasms that start in her foot. Rex Ryan now has this woman on speed dial.

There is a Paula Deen themed cruise. I'm not saying it caught on with her racism but the ship takes off from the West coast of Africa.

A report says sibling bullying leads to depression, anger and anxiety. At least that's what my faggot piece of shit little brother told me.

That's all I have for right now! Sorry for this short list of jokes, but I want to come up with good ones occasionally instead of shitty ones with occasional good ones every day (who wouldn't). But if you're reading this, thanks a lot, and go and find some better jokes to make these ones look super shitty (this shouldn't be difficult).