"Coronavirus Fears"

Tomorrow is President’s Day, where many stores have sales on mattresses. If they really wanted to honor our presidents, stores would have big sales on golf clubs.

Police in Colorado were called about “demonic sounds” coming from a McDonald's. According to eyewitnesses, the demonic sound was described as a cashier saying the phrase, “The ice cream machine is down.”

The Seattle Seahawks signed TE Greg Olsen to a one year contract worth $7 million. The contract includes $5.5 million and 3 torn ACLs guaranteed.

A study says that facial expressions do not reflect a person’s innermost feelings. Which totally explains why people are genuinely excited to see Alex Schubert smiling.

Some citizens of Santa Monica, California are outraged after a porno was filmed in a public library during business hours. Even worse, due to the library’s newfound affiliation with porn, the books are now organized by the Do-Me Decimal System.

A Whitney Houston hologram is set to go on tour. And like the real Whitney, it’s advised to not put the machine controlling the hologram into a bathtub.

Amanda Bynes says she wants to start a clothing line. Though her line of Drake women’s underwear had to be pulled as it murdered too many vaginas.

A study says New Mexico is the worst state for distracted driving. New Mexico citizens took the news really hard; so much so that one driver got at least three teardrops on his cell phone screen.

The Houston Astros allegedly alerted their players about signs by banging on trash cans with bats. The Baltimore Orioles tried to use the same tactic, but their bats kept whiffing the trash cans.

Michelle Carter, who was convicted of involuntary manslaughter after she sent text messages to her boyfriend to convince him to commit suicide, has been released from prison. In an unrelated story, I have a blind date tonight after my friends set me up with a girl named Michelle Carter.

The “Miracle On Ice” team recently appeared at a Donald Trump rally. It makes sense, as both Trump and the hockey team are both in their positions in history thanks to Russia.

The Bachelor is preparing a spinoff series for people aged 65 and older. The series is expected to use the tagline “I’ve fallen in love and I can’t get up.”

38% of Americans surveyed said they would not buy Corona beer under any circumstances due to coronavirus fears. But I guarantee a lot of those same people still buy Milwaukee’s Best despite the fact that it carries literally every other disease.

Garth Brooks upset many of his fans by performing in Detroit in a Barry Sanders jersey, which they thought was a tribute to Bernie Sanders. He angered his Detroit fan base even more the next night by performing in a Joey Harrington jersey.

That's all I have for the month of February! Comedy is looking up right now, as I'm beginning to take a big next step: getting road gigs and traveling for shows. March is a big month for your dude, and I'm very excited to see what it all has in store for me. Stay tuned in March for more jokes, and remember to subscribe to F*** You, We Like the Bengals!

"Assault and Flattery"

Browns WR Odell Beckham Jr. has a warrant out for his arrest after he slapped a police officer on the butt. Considering the flirtatious nature of butt slaps, the judge charged OBJ with assault and flattery.

NBA star Derrick Rose was fined $25k for throwing a pen in the stands during a game. Coincidentally enough, a flying pen was the cause of Derrick Rose's last shattered kneecap.

Browns WR Odell Beckham Jr. has a warrant out for his arrest after he slapped a police officer on the butt. This is a strange change of pace, as the Browns are usually the ones getting spanked.

A college professor at Drexel was caught spending $185,000 on strippers, sports bars, and iTunes. It's incredibly disappointing, as that amount of money could've gone towards purchasing two college textbooks.

Kellyanne Conway says that Martin Luther King Jr. would have disapproved of Donald Trump's impeachment. Coincidentally enough, most Americans disapprove of Kellyanne Conway getting any opportunity to talk.

Rapper B.o.B has come forward as a flat earther. This is not a surprising view for him, considering how hard he fell off of the map.

A Cleveland police officer who urinated on a girl as she waited for the bus is being sentenced to four and a half years in prison. The worst part is, because of this sentence, he won’t be able to receive his “Cleveland Police Officer Of The Year” award in person.

Kim Kardashian says she first heard the suggestion for the name North West as a joke on the Tonight Show. Getting name suggestions from jokes from the Tonight Show was cute for North, but not so much for her other son, ImTellingYouTheEconomyIsReallyBad.

Seattle is the first city in the U.S. to allow voting by smartphone. The hard part of this voting tactic will be collecting their "I voted" sticker while driving.

Brett Favre says he sees some of his own traits in Kansas City Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes. In a related story, all the Chiefs’ sideline reporters have blocked Patrick Mahomes’ phone number.

A man who impersonated a doctor in order to persuade women and girls to electrocute themselves for his own sexual gratification has been jailed for 11 years. The man allegedly showed no remorse in court, as he began to masturbate while the judge was announcing the (ahem...) charges.

Billie Eilish says she made her Grammy winning album in her bedroom at her parents house. Which makes sense, considering she sings like her parents are asleep in the next room over.

A girl on the Bachelor went to a private concert for a date of Chase Rice, who was an ex boyfriend of hers. I actually find it nice that they had her past ex-boyfriend play music for her future ex-boyfriend.

Prince Andrew reportedly is offering zero cooperation in the Jeffrey Epstein probe. This marks the first time that someone not cooperating with a Jeffrey Epstein probe was an adult.

A study says lowering the speed limit is ineffective in reducing wildlife vehicle collisions. They plan to take it a step further: teaching the wildlife not to text and drive.

The Panthers have released TE Greg Olsen. And per tradition, he was released onto a bench after having his arm around two trainers.

Well, that's all I have for January! I've maintained my goal to write one monologue joke per day. Are they all funny? That's for you to decide. More coming mid-February!

"Driving With A Cold"

Mitt Romney compared President Obama's promises to Kim Kardashian's wedding vows. I agree. They involved a black guy that nobody likes anymore.

Vint Cerf, who is considered by many to be the Father of the Internet says web access isn’t a human right. If he said this five years ago, we would have never heard of Justin Bieber.

Clay Aiken says after working with both, he respects Donald Trump more than Simon Cowell. Seriously? I respect Donald Duck more than I respect Simon Cowell.

A study says that men and women have large differences in their personalities, with men being more dominant and women being more sensitive. This study was conducted by scientists reading previous studies.

Jenny McCarthy says that “Dancing With The Stars” needs some A-List celebrities. And if anybody knows what an A-list celebrity is, it's Jenny McCarthy.

Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren demolished a $12 Million mansion in Florida in order to rebuild on the property. Then someone told her that the mansion was not Tiger's car.

A study says that driving with a cold or the flu is as dangerous as being drunk. Especially when you have to look through the snot on your phone to send a text message.

A “matured” Snooki says she has cut back on her drinking. Like I need to just "cut back" on my eating.

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!

"GPS Shoes"

President Obama is going to appear on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. However, due to major budget cuts at the White House, he will be appearing next week on the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson.

Lindsay Lohan fired her manager. Manager? How about her publicist?

Jamie Moyer, who turns 49 next month, says he hopes to pitch at least one more year. I'd be surprised if he's able to live one more year.

Coldplay was picked by Q Magazine as the best act in the world right now. In other news, Q Magazine has lost 93% of its subscribers.

A study says that the speech patterns of psychopaths give them away. Like when they say, "Winning!".

Smart phone sales are reportedly down for the first time ever. That's because everyone who used to buy them got into car accidents.

Steve Jobs said that Bill Gates was unimaginative and should have taken LSD. How is this guy still talking?

GPS shoes for Alzheimer’s patients will soon be available. We already have something to help Alzheimer's patients get around. It's called a personal assistant.

A study says that playing outdoors makes for better eyesight for children. How could they do this study? No children play outside anymore.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Sneezed The Bullet"

California Gov. Jerry Brown issued an order recalling one-half of the 96,000 cell phones for which the state is paying the bill. How are they going to be taken away? Are government agents going to put their hands in people's pockets? Then again, they do that with our tax money.

A Japanese technology company created a mirror that measures and displays the body temperature of the person looking into it. I tried it yesterday, but the mirror broke.

Kirstie Alley and Rush Limbaugh both turned 60 years old today. They are very different. One is an 60-year old woman who never stops eating, and the other one is Kirstie Alley.

A city in New Jersey is considering random drug tests for school children as young as in the 6th grade. And if you go in one of the schools, you may see 12-year old Snooki nervous as hell.

An Italian man who was shot in the head actually sneezed the bullet out his nose. And you thought it was weird when a pile of snot came out of your nose.

The number of mobile broadband users around the world could top 1 Billion in 2011. Who knew there are 1 Billion drivers in the world?

The new “American Idol” judges say they won’t be villainous in their roles. Especially Steven Tyler. He feels that his face is scary enough.

A study says that ATMs are as dirty as toilets. In fact, the United States economy is involved with both.

Google co-founder Larry Page has bought a $45 Million yacht. He named it "I'm Feeling Lucky".

A New Jersey school teacher claims he hasn’t called in sick in 40 years on the job. It's pretty impressive that she hasn't been sick, considering the fact that she lives in New Jersey.

A study says that taking a break for even a minute from sitting down can improve heart health. Wow. How fat are we getting in this country when we need a break from sitting down.

Kathie Lee Gifford gave some advice to Snooki from “Jersey Shore”, telling her not to just give herself to any jerk. You know you're screwed up when Kathie Lee Gifford is giving you advice.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"A Paper Copy"

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is 54 today. Of course, that thing on his head thinks he's 19.

In Britain, students attacked Prince Charles over recent increases in college tuition. When he heard that the students said they wanted to decrease tuition, Prince Charles said, "Okay, let's talk. I'm all ears".

A new survey reveals that only 4 percent of people over age 65 use Twitter. The other 96% still think Twitter has to do with birdwatching.

Legendary porn actor John Leslie has died at the age of 65. He will have an open casket. Just like the costars of his movies.

A city in Germany has created a “pleasure tax”, forcing prostitutes to purchase tickets for each day they’re working. This means that German prostitutes will have to pay taxes to the same government workers that they're sleeping with.

College teams Illinois and Oakland played seven minutes with a women’s basketball. The other 33 minutes, they played with a pee-wee ball.

A study says that one way to avoid eating junk food is to imagine eating it bite by bite. Scientists say this will have a profound effect on up to three people.

One and a half million Americans are going to be notified their health insurance is below standard. In an unrelated story, one and a half million Americans have health insurance.

Two thirds of Amerians say the country is going in the wrong direction. The other one third of Americans are Republicans ecstatic about the previous election.

Dallas Police will start to issue electronic traffic tickets that won't require them to hand over a paper copy. Meanwhile in Arizona, Mexicans are completely jealous.

Baltimore Orioles outfielder Luke Scott questioned President Obama's birthplace during an interview. Because if anyone knows how to get it done right, it's the guy who plays for the Baltimore Orioles.

A report says the U.S. life expectancy fell slightly after the recession started. This is mainly due to people killing themselves.

A study says that music soothes critically ill patients. You know how to contradict this study? Screamo.

A study says that fewer drivers are drinking or on drugs. They're just texting.

Ralph Nader says that President Obama will have a primary challenge because of his tax cut deal with Republicans. Because if anybody knows what it takes to be President, it's Ralph Nader.

A&E has canceled “The Hasselhoffs” after two episodes. They wanted to replace it with a show that actually has a chance to get some viewers.

President Obama has now gone nine months without a cigarette. This streak was broken when he got smoked by the Republicans.

That's all for right now! More later!

"Joined Facebook"

We lost an hour this weekend due to Daylight Savings Time. Usually, when Americans lose an hour, they watch Dancing With The Stars.

Republicans say they’re planning an all-out assault on the Obama health care program. Didn't they already do that? They're called "attack ads".

Republican Senator-elect Rand Paul says lawmakers must consider cuts in military spending. Especially since we are pulling out within the next two years.

Britain’s Queen Elizabeth II has joined Facebook. And you thought poking was creepy before.

A Chilean miner managed to cross the finish line in the New York City Marathon. In fact, it only took him 69 days.

President Obama is in India pushing for U.S. jobs. This is being called "Operation Please Come Back To America".

Amazon is buying diaper.com for $540 Million. Americans who know the difference between the two get a huge cash prize.

A study says that tonsil surgery may not help kids to stop bedwetting, as previously thought. I have to ask: Where does pee come out of us again?

Penn State coach Joe Paterno has won his 400th game. He is such a legend that he is being offered a sponsorship deal for Flomax.

Jamie Moyer appears to have ended his baseball career after injuring his elbow playing in the Dominican Republic. Really? I thought at his age, people broke their hip.

A hotel in Sweden is letting guests use their mobile phones as room keys. Of course, it's kind of hard to get into hotel rooms while driving.

"A Group Of Stars"

Someone fired shots at the Pentagon. To which Al-Qaeda said, "Amateurs".

In New York, one gubernatorial candidate represents the Rent Is Too Damn High Party. The only political party more ridiculous: Republican.

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner vows the U.S. won’t devalue the dollar. Because everybody knows you can't devalue something that didn't have value in the first place.

Bill Clinton is asking Democrats to not vote angry. He says making decisions when mad can result in mistakes. To which Charlie Sheen says, "Ain't that the truth".

Pete Rose has apologized again for his gambling while in baseball in an interview with the AP. To which MLB commissioner Bud Selig said, "Nice try".

A survey says that 70% of Americans think the country’s power is fading. The other 30% have been put under the "Don't-know-what-the-hell-they're-talking-about" category.

Scientists studying college students have identified a gene that allows people who have it to get drunk more easily. I believe that gene is called "college student".

Lindsay Lohan’s attorneys are “expecting the worst” at her upcoming court appearance. What's new?

A study says that teen binge drinking is being linked to attention problems. Especially while the kids are drunk.

A study says that 6.1 Trillion text messages will be sent this year. Dozens of those texts will not be sent from behind the wheel.

The NBA has banned shoes that supposedly help a player go more vertical. They are called "Air Jordans".

Archaeologists in the Swiss city of Zurich have uncovered a 5,000-year-old door that may be one of the oldest ever found in Europe. It was actually built for the closet that George Michael came out of.

A British woman used 9,852 slices of bread to turn a photo of her mother-in-law into the world's largest toast mosaic. However, the only place she put the yellow butter: the teeth.

Astronomers using the Hubble telescope think they’ve found the world’s oldest galaxy – a group of stars that’s 13.1 billion years old. Kind of like the set of "The View".

FINALLY FROM COMEDIAN PAUL SEABURN
In a speech at the University of Texas-Tyler, former President George W. Bush said he read 12 biographies of President Lincoln while in office. He kept hoping to find one with a better ending.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Pixie Dust"

Michael Jordan says that if he were playing in his prime right now, he could score 100. Of course, this means that he'd have to play the Clippers.

A study says that cavemen were skilled at parenting. You know what this means? Lindsay Lohan's parents are not cavemen.

A study says that only 2% of obese people feel they need to lose weight. The other 98% are people I call "crazy".

A poll says 50% of Americans are pessimistic about their children's future. I know that pessimism is seeing the glass as half-empty, but I didn't know half of Americans saw the glass half-empty.

A phone bill analysis says that the average teenager sends 3,339 texts each month. Dozens of these texts were sent while the teens were not driving.

In a recent speech, Sarah Palin said that Democratic leaders “act like they're permanent residents of a unicorn ranch in fantasyland” and use “pixie dust.” And after the speech, she tested positive for every drug on the planet.

That's all for today! Definitely more tomorrow!

"Lean Forward"

Christine O’Donnell says she possesses classified information indicating China is plotting to take over the US. To which Walmart employees said, "They haven't done that yet?".

In Brazil, a professional clown named Tiririca was voted into congress. Brazilians aren't sure what to expect, but Americans said, "Nah, you'll get used to it".

In a big new sex survey, 85% of men say their last partner was sexually satisfied, but only 64% of women say they were satisfied. This is proof that 21% of women in this poll have perfected faking it.

The New York Knicks are practicing in Paris despite warnings about terrorist attacks. The Knicks are hoping that the terrorists are as unsuccessful as they are.

MSNBC unveiled its new slogan: “Lean Forward”. This is less extremist but similar to the slogan for the John Edwards network: "Bend Over".

A report says that Chicago has the most dangerous neighborhood in the country. And Rahm Emanuel hasn't even been elected there yet.

Apple may pass Exxon Mobil as the world’s most valuable company. Who knew Exxon Mobil had value in the first place?

Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber are closing in on 1 Billion YouTube views each. The hard part: determining which person is male and which person is female.

Jennifer Aniston tops the list of the most eligible women in a poll by Vanity Fair. On the honorable mention list: Paris Hilton, whether she's married or not.

Tony Curtis was buried wearing a Stetson hat, driving gloves and with his iPhone. Apparently this is what he was wearing at the last moments of his life - behind the wheel.

A study says that drinking is going up in teenage girls and down in teenage boys. The study was conducted while scientists looked at their Facebook pictures.

A study says that unhealthy online habits by teenagers leads to a greater risk of depression. Like talking too that fat creep who spies on you all night.

A Florida high school student sent a message in a bottle that was found in Ireland. Ireland even sent a response message: I don't care what's in yer bottle unless it's beer or whiskey.

A study says that people who who make their family a priority are happier than those who strive for material success. In a related story, Jon Gosselin has been diagnosed with depression.

A study says that people who act powerful give the impression to others that they have power. The study was conducted in North Korea.

That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!

"A High School Prom"

Holy crap! Today's my birthday! You don't have to worry about sending me birthday wishes. Both of my friends will take care of that. Anyway, here are today's jokes!

In an interview with People magazine, Elin Nordegren says she never hit Tiger Woods with a golf club and had no idea he was cheating on her. That sounds like an interview you would see on Maury.

Heidi Montag now says she wants her old D-cup implants back because her G-cups make it impossible to hug her four dogs. The number is down from five, as she divorced Spencer.

Alan Simpson, co-chair of President Obama's deficit commission, is in hot water for referring to Social Security as “a milk cow with 310 million tits.” He made a huge mistake. He actually intended to refer to Rush Limbaugh.

A woman on probation in Pennsylvania who failed a blood-alcohol test blamed it on gin-soaked raisins, an old folk remedy for arthritis. The police officer said, "You have one of two options. You could go to jail or you could walk all the way home".

Arizona Senator John McCain clinched the GOP nomination in the state’s primary election on Tuesday. At least there's one election where McCain doesn't have to choose Sarah Palin as his running mate.

Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren told People magazine that she “has been through hell”. Yes, even though he cheated on you, it wasn't hell. You're a Swedish supermodel married to a billionaire golfer.

Golfer Tiger Woods says his divorce is a sad time in his life. At least now, it's okay for him to sleep with other women.

Former NBA star Dennis Rodman told a reporter he’d had sex with 2,000 women. Now we know why he's the all-time leader in rebounds.

A study says the average teenager sends 3,000 text messages each month, which is an average of 100 per day. Who knew teens spend that much time driving?

A survey says that a lack of skilled workers threatens the global economic recovery. This is a message that Wall Street should take to heart.

California has traced the salmonella infections back to a high school prom in Santa Clara. Who knew salmonella was an STD?

A Detroit Lions fan walked 400 miles to attend a preseason game to bring his team luck. The whole Lions organization was shocked. The Detroit Lions have somebody who believes in them?

That's all for today!

"Thirteen Yellow Cards"

Joke of the Day: Thirteen yellow cards were handed out in the World Cup championship game between Spain and the Netherlands. Hey, they may not be great at soccer, but at least they'd be really good at Uno.

An Orange County, CA woman was sentenced to jail for texting threatening messages to herself. Now she has every right to be mad at herself.

Workers in Cleveland dismantled a ten story high mural of LeBron James after his announcement to go to Miami. That poster went down faster than Cleveland's playoff chances.

A study says that creativity among American children is declining. Now for this news story, I have decided not to write a punchline.

The Pentagon says a survey asking military people their feelings about homosexuals is not gay. I thought the policy was called, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell".

A British company has gotten the go ahead to sell gum in the U.S. that doesn't stick to pavement or shoes. Now does it stick to the bottom of picnic tables?

A vibrating car seat could give drivers an early warning of an impending accident. However, it may be hard to notice over the driver's vibrating cell phone.

"Not Always Bad"

Joke of the Day: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadenijad said that he'll ban Coca-Cola from Iran. That's like playing the Los Angeles Lakers and double-teaming the waterboy.

Joran van der Sloot is reportedly looking for a $1 Million TV deal to tell his story. Unfortunately for Joran, it won't be easy to spend $1 Million in prison.

A study says that divorce is not always bad for kids. Unless your parents are Jon and Kate.

July is National Ice Cream Month. Which means that the 4th of July will be even more American.

Toyota says it has 270,000 vehicles with faulty engines. All their other cars have faulty accelerators and brakes.

President Obama is pushing for immigration reform citing that "the system is broken". The system? More like the fence.

Yesterday, LeBron James met with the New York Knicks, New Jersey Nets, and Los Angeles Clippers to discuss a possible signing. Yesterday was known as "Operation: We Need Help Now Play For Us".

The National Federation of the Blind and Virginia Tech plan to demonstrate a prototype vehicle next year equipped with technology that helps a blind person drive a car independently. Because if someone who is texting can drive with one hand on the wheel, I'm sure a blind person can drive with both hands on the wheel.

UFC fighter War Machine has been sentenced to a year in jail for violating probation after he assaulted people at two San Diego bars. What do you expect from a guy from the UFC?

The 2-year-old son of former NFL Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Randall Cunningham has died in an apparent backyard hot tub accident. Usually when a Philadelphia Eagles quarterback has a death in their backyard, it probably involved a dog.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"A Risky Procedure"

Joke of the Day: A teenage driver in New York crashed his car after passing out while trying to hold his breath. This is the first time in a long time that someone who crashed their car was holding something other than their cell phone.

Cold Stone Creamery’s “PB&C” milkshake at more than 2,000 calories has been called the worst drink in America by Men’s Health Magazine. This is obviously not the worst-tasting drink in America.

A Dominican man went on a cocaine binge that resulted in an erection that lasted 27 days. And you thought four hours raised concerns.

A study says that children are more likely to be injured in every day activities on holidays. Like papercuts when opening Christmas presents.

Tiger Woods reportedly has been told not to date until his divorce is final. Unfortunately, Tiger knows the difference between dates and hook-ups.

Researchers say that elderly people should avoid wearing bifocal glasses outside to cut down the chance of falling. Here's an idea to help them stop falling: get a wheelchair.

A poll says that 16% of Americans approve British Petroleum’s handling of the Gulf oil spill crisis. The percentage was changed to zero when the 16% was asked "Explain why".

A risky procedure to stop the oil spewing into the Gulf of Mexico has yet to show much success. If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that...

Gary Coleman, child star of 1970s show "Diff'rent Strokes," has died after suffering a brain hemorrhage. To which Bret Michaels said, "Wow, someone can die from that?".

Gary Coleman, child star of 1970s show "Diff'rent Strokes," has died after suffering a brain hemorrhage. His funeral is expected to be made fun of. For example, his casket used to be a shoebox.

That's it for today! More tomorrow!

"Generous Maternity Leaves"

Joke of the Day: The birth control pill turns 50 this week. Those of you who chose not to use the pill, Happy Mother's Day!

Bristol Palin says she is on her own financially, receiving no help from her parents. Considering who her parents are, that's a really good idea.

A study says that children who sing while they clap have improved mental skills. The same study said that children who don't clap will become rappers.

A study says that cell phones raise teen night time driving risks. The same study says that cell phones raises any person anytime driving risks.

A study says that 41% of all births in the U.S. were to unmarried women, up from 28% in 1990. The other 59% have never had sexual relations with Tiger Woods.

Japanese game-maker Nintendo suffered its first drop in annual profit in six years. So there ARE Americans who are getting off the couch.

According to a new survey, Norway is the world’s best country for moms because women there are paid well, have easy access to contraception and have generous maternity leaves. If these are the conditions, I wouldn't be surprised if the US came in last.

Sunday is Mother's Day. Or, as Utah calls it, "Way too expensive".

A South Korean woman who earned a driver's license after 960 tries is ready to buy a car and get behind the wheel. That really says something when Asia calls you a bad driver.

That's all I have for today! Definitely more tomorrow!

"Toyota Express"

Joke of the Day: Jon Gosselin reportedly was offered a spot on the next season of “Dancing With the Stars". The offer was rebuked when ABC discovered that Jon Gosselin wasn't actually a star.

This is National Pet Week. Or, as Michael Vick calls it, "My Week Off".

Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa wants to boycott Arizona for creating its offensive new immigration law. Believe me, I can't think of anyone better to boycott the immigration law than a guy named Antonio.

Cell phone sales have gone up 22% as the economy recovers. Apparently the auto industry is whipping itself back into shape as well.

One third of pet owning women say their pet is a better listener than their husband. The other two thirds of pet owning women own pets that are deaf.

Researchers say the iPad can cause insomnia. That's because iPad users are using their devices all night.

A study says that high speeds and sudden turns on roller coasters can cause hearing damage. The study was conducted at that unbelievably intense ride, "Toyota Express".

Former NFL running back Corey Dillon has been arrested on suspicion of assaulting his wife during an argument at their Southern California home. Dillon was then offered a contract by the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Two of the oldest people in the world have died on the same day. The funerals will feature eulogies from their old babysitter, Larry King.

That's all for today! I have more coming tomorrow!

"Insured His Thumbs"

Joke of the Day: Rocker Bret Michaels is in critical condition. You know, the idiot on the Celebrity Apprentice with ugly blonde hair. But enough about Donald Trump...

The first pill designed to end premature ejaculation goes on sale in England for almost $40 a pill. Here's the weird part: There have been multiple purchases, yet it hasn't even been released yet.

In Arizona, protests over the crackdown on illegal immigration resulted in refried beans being smeared on the windows of the state Capitol. It could have been worse. The protesters could have eaten them.

Wal-Mart is facing a class action suit contending the retail giant discriminates against women in pay and promotions. To which Wal-Mart said, "What's a suit?"

Kate Gosselin’s eight children have been cleared to appear on her new reality show, “Kate Plus 8”. When you think about, that should have been the title of the original show.

Pres. Obama welcomed the World Champion New York Yankees to the White House, Monday. While with the Yankees, Obama reportedly asked for a few hundred million dollars.

Race car driver Fernando Alonso has insured his thumbs for 5 million euro apiece prior to the Spanish Grand Prix in Barcelona. Alonso claims those as his texting fingers.

In Silicon County, California, officials have proposed a ban against Happy Meal toys because they believe it's not helping their cause to end obesity. Yeah, the item that kids don't eat is the cause for obesity.

In Stamford, Connecticut, a man drove his car into a wall, went airborne and landed on the roof of an office. Police were puzzled until they saw a Toyota logo on the back of his car.

Two Illinois lawmakers are asking that the National Guard be called in to stop all the violence in Chicago. I guess Illinois lawmakers haven't seen the Chicago Bears play defense.

A study says that chimpanzees face death like humans. Who knew chimpanzees drove Toyotas?

The Post Office is asking for suggestions on how to stop losing so much money. The Post Office then realized that there's this brand new invention called "E-Mail".

Brazil’s health minister says that people should have more sex, as it helps to lower blood pressure. This sounds legit, but does it HAVE to be a minister who says that?

New research says that smoking, drinking too much, inactivity and a poor diet can age a person by twelve years. So Kirstie Alley has started saying that she's 58 years old. Plus 12.

That's all I have for now. More later!

"Their First Gay Character"

Joke of the Day: Detroit is looking to reclaim its agricultural past as people are growing community gardens in abandoned lots. In a related story, flowers were spotted in the Detroit Lions' end zone.

88 year old Prince Philip of England injured his ankle while driving a carriage. It could be worse. At least he wasn't driving a Toyota.

A survey says that one in five Americans is worried about losing their job in the next twelve months. The other four Americans are sleeping with their boss.

A study says that laughter brings the same effects as exercise. This explains why fans of "Two and a Half Men" are so fat.

A pregnant Massachusetts woman has been arrested for stabbing three people. Police were seriously concerned when the woman said, "Well, I was going to have triplets".

Archie Comics will introduce their first gay character, named Kevin Keller. However, he is nowhere near as important as his great-great-great grandmother, Helen.

The biggest study ever about the effects of cell phones on health is taking place in Europe. It's so big that the study area includes a race track for texting.

Joni Mitchell says that Bob Dylan is a plagiarist. Bob Dylan couldn't be a plagiarist. There weren't any other white non-racists in the 1960's.

The Boy Scouts have been ordered to pay an Oregon man $18.5 Million in an abuse case. The Boy Scouts paid $18.5 million dollars? They must have sold an awful lot of popcorn.

German researchers have developed technology that can allow people to drive where there eyes are looking. I must ask, how can somebody drive into the back of their eyelids?

A White House Adviser has recently said that President Obama loves pie. Here's how much he loves it: Obama eats more pie than our government eats our tax dollars.

A Riverside County man was arrested for allegedly stealing dozens of fire hydrants. I don't know about anybody else, but I think his dog is going to have one hell of a Christmas.

Well, a great day for my writing! More tomorrow!!!!!!

"A Lifeless Man"

Joke of the Day: Next week is "Idol Gives Back", where American Idol donates food and money to the needy. Or, as Taylor Hicks calls it, "Payday".

According to court records, 76-year-old CNN talk show host Larry King filed for divorce from his 7th wife. He was apparently influenced by his childhood friend, King Henry VIII.

British researchers say they are close to developing a type of “Viagra for women”, which would help with female sexual arousal. The pill is apparently called, "Make your husband look like George Clooney".

A study says that children as young as 21 months of age care if people try to help them. Which means that Justin Bieber won't be taking advice anytime soon.

A study says that television networks have snubbed and maligned the Tea Party. That's because when 7-year olds think that the Tea Party means something totally different.

New York City carriage horses have been ordered by city council to be given larger stalls, more vacation time and blankets in cold weather. Los Angeles has done the same thing. With Oprah Winfrey.

A dead man has been elected mayor of Tracy City, Tenn. A lifeless man is now a politician. Welcome back, Al Gore!

Britain is closing its airspace after a huge volcano began to erupt in Iceland. Nothing says "irony" like a volcanic eruption in a place called "Iceland".

New York City plans to stop paying teachers who do nothing. They figure they lose enough money when they pay the President for doing nothing.

Authorities said a man who escaped from the back of a police car in New Jersey tried to gnaw off his fingerprints. On the plus side, the police station was able to save money on fingerprint ink.

An Erie County judge has thrown out a lawsuit filed by the guardian of a 12-year-old girl who claimed the girl was burned and traumatized when a convenience store clerk allegedly aimed a hand-held price scanner at her face. Then, things got really interesting when the scanner beeped.

Two Chinese singers have become the first people in the country to fall foul of new rules banning lip-syncing. At the scene, authorities said, "You have the right to remain silent, Miss Spears..."

Israel has banned imports of the iPad, citing concerns the powerful gadget's wireless signals could disrupt other devices. America should do the same with the iPad because it disrupts other devices. Like cars.

Children who engage in creative and active play may grow up to be healthier adults, suggests a British study. Apparently the Britains dug up a time capsule with the study included in it.

For children at higher-than-average risk of asthma, having a dog around the house may increase the chances of developing the lung disease, a new study suggests. Man, I didn't know that when a dog pants, that means he's having an asthma attack.

That's it for now! More later!

"iText and iDrive"

Joke of the Day: Intel is showcasing some new software that reportedly can read minds with brain scans. This machine, however, crashes when in the presence of George Bush.

A new survey found that 20% of people from 22 countries believe space aliens are amongst us and disguised as humans. The other 80% of people have never seen Jersey Shore.

Soon, Apple’s iPhone will be able to run more than one application at the same time, something iPhone users have long wanted. Two apps that will be commonly used at the same time: iText and iDrive.

The Sugar Association says sugar is being unfairly blamed for the obesity problem in the US. This just proves how fat we really are. There is an association for sugar.

Animal researchers in Italy say they have discovered living beings that can exist without oxygen. The basis to their research was determined to be a 3rd grade science textbook.

A 74 year old woman died on a Continental Airlines flight from Peru to Newark. She killed herself when the pilots said that they couldn't turn the plane around.

A proposed bill in California would declare an annual day to honor Ronald Reagan. One lucky citizen will get the honor of tearing down the ceremonial Berlin Wall.

President Obama’s health care spokeswoman Linda Douglass is leaving the White House. Apparently she is tired of Republicans giving her death threats.

Workers at the Carlsberg Brewery in Denmark are on strike after the company banned drinking during work except at lunch. Does this mean the beer testers were laid off or given a permanent lunch break?

A study says a recovery in the tech industry is under way. Apparently the iPad did more damage than I thought.

More states are reportedly looking at the idea of paying teachers based on students’ performance in the classroom. Here's my question: What kind of performance are they talking about?

Airlines had fewer on time flights in February. On the other hand, there was an unusual rise in flights arriving at 5:00.

FINALLY FROM MY WRITER FRIEND JIM BARACH
A book called “The Make Brain” sheds light on how men think. Their are two words to describe how men think. “Tiger Woods”.