"Briefly Interrupted Play"

New Mexico is using Billy The Kid as a tourist draw because he was shot there. They used a murder to attract people? It's like America's version of Abbottabad.

The San Francisco Giants will visit President Obama at the White House. Of course, "Giants" is the nickname of President Obama's ears.

LA Laker forward Lamar Odom was in an automobile accident in New York. He was so disoriented that he was sexually attracted to Khloe Kardashian.

A man wearing a wedding dress ran onto the field during a Braves game in Atlanta and briefly interrupted play. I knew he was in Atlanta because he threw a bouquet in the air and nobody caught it.

A report says that British troops that were serving in Afghanistan were “unacceptably weak”. Like their toothpaste.

A study says that educators who mentor young doctors miss opportunities to teach them about medical ethics. Mainly because the educators are too busy sleeping with the young doctors.

A poll says that “Jersey Shore” does not hurt the image of New Jersey. When Jersey Shore doesn't negatively affect your reputation, it's time to make some changes.

Scientists say that Neanderthals bred with early humans and that some people could still have their DNA. Apparently scientists are huge fans of Larry King.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Women And Drugs"

Former CNN talk show host Larry King is launching a one-man comedy show starting in April. But before this starts, he has to learn how to make people laugh.

Carmelo Anthony was traded from the Denver Nuggets to the New York Knicks. Considering the Nuggets' main color, the official soda of the Denver Nuggets is no longer Melo Yellow.

New York Knicks star Amar’e Stoudemire is launching a women’s fashion line. Just in time for Carmelo Anthony.

George Clooney says his past with women and drugs would probably keep him out of ever running for political office. If women and drugs ruin your political career, sorry Charlie.

A Kansas woman gave birth inside a hospital elevator. Why can't the elevator door stay open like that?

Justin Bieber has gotten a wax figure at Madame Tussauds. Bieber puts the "Madame" in "Madame Tussauds".

Former Connecticut Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell is considering an invitation to appear on “Dancing With the Stars”, but says it would be tough as she has “two left feet”. I thought her feet were curled up.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

'Safe For Women"

Bill O’Reilly says he’s concerned about House Speaker John Boehner’s emotional stability. He also announced that he's concerned with Charlie Sheen's drug problem.

An Idaho woman pleaded guilty to squirting a variety of condiments into library book drops. Due to her guilty plea, she mayo may not get prison time.

A survey says that trust in U.S. business and government has steeply declined through the recession. Who would ever distrust our government?

Zdeno Chara of the Boston Bruins set a record for the fastest hockey slap shot at 105.9 MPH. It went faster than a Larry King marriage.

An Alaska woman was charged with child abuse after she appeared on “Dr. Phil” and was shown forcing her son to drink hot sauce and take cold showers. However, Sarah Palin does have great remorse.

Egypt has shut down the Internet and Twitter to stop rioting around the country. Yeah, that'll calm them down.

Jonathan Knight of New Kids on the Block has admitted that he is gay. I'm shocked. How could a member of a boy band possibly be gay?

The cross-eyed possum from Germany is on a diet. How does it know what it's eating?

There are reports saying that there will be a lot of child sex trafficking in Dallas during the Super Bowl. And you thought the ads were creepy before.

A man in France says that the drug Glaxo made him a "gay sex addict". No wonder the number one site on his internet history is Craigslist.

A new study says that sex during pregnancy is safe for women. Try telling that to the baby in the bouncing stomach.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Neck Cancers"

Rep. Dennis Kucinich is suing the Congressional cafeteria for an olive pit that he found in a sandwich. He's also pissed because the sandwich is taller than he is.

Singer Jimmy Buffett fell off the stage during a concert in Australia and was rushed to the hospital. That's the last time he ever drinks a margarita during Margaritaville.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell says he’ll reduce his salary to $1 if there is a work stoppage next season. Meanwhile in Chicago, Jay Cutler's salary is going to be reduced to $1 regardless of whether he plays or not.

Utah state lawmakers may name the Browning M1911 the official state gun. Utah naming a state gun is like Kentucky naming a state rocket scientist.

Scientists believe they have found the world's oldest galaxy, and it is described as a small, hot affair that blazed to life during the childhood of the cosmos. Like Larry King's first marriage.

The body of former Italian quiz show host Mike Bongiorno was stolen from its grave. Bongiorno hosted numerous Italian quiz shows, while the thief was playing "Press Your Luck".

Snooki from "Jersey Shore" admitted her failed hookup with Jersey Shore's Vinny Guadagnino is one of her biggest regrets. Really, Snooki? Three drunken years on an MTV show and THAT'S one of your biggest regrets?

A new study says that the rise in head and neck cancers is a result of more oral sex. In a related story, Paris Hilton is undergoing chemotherapy.

A new study says that unhealthy eating can lead to depression. Which leads to more unhealthy eating, which leads to more depression...

Nintendo's profit has gone down 74%. It's so bad, their new currency is shiny stars with faces on them.

A study says that people sleep better when their bedroom is clean and comfortable. This study was conducted by moms everywhere.

An Arkansas supermarket has changed its decision to hide a magazine cover which features Elton John, his partner and their baby. What? It's not like anyone's going to buy it.

That's all I have for today! More later!

"A Flash Mob"

During the full lunar eclipse, the moon turned a pale orange color. It was so pale orange that it joined the cast of Jersey Shore.

A sewage backup caused parts of the United Nations to be evacuated. By force of habit, BP workers went on break.

Retired talk show host Larry King says he was in love with only 3 of his 7 wives. He didn't even meet the other 4 face-to-face.

A flash mob at a mall in northern California resulted in the entire shopping area being evacuated. And no, these moons did not cause any lunar eclipses.

Tiger Woods got a shot in his right ankle. Yes, because it's his ankle that's giving him problems.

Ernst & Young is accused of hiding much of Lehman Brothers’ financial troubles. Wait, Lehman Brothers could get in more trouble? You've gotta be kidding me.

A study says that Christmas Day is the deadliest day of the year. Especially when Grandpa is the one cooking.

Paris Hilton was evacuated from a plane at LAX after a serrated knife was found in a seat pocket. Of course, since it was Paris Hilton, she went straight to the cockpit.

Oprah has offered Bono a TV show on new her network. When Oprah gave Bono the show, she told him, "First I have a show on my network, and now you too?".

Reese Witherspoon says she was advised not to sing early in her career. Where were these advisors in Britney Spears' early career?

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Hard As Concrete"

Congress has repealed "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is the official slogan of WikiLeaks - on opposite day.

A porn film was displayed on a large screen at Bangladesh’s main airport. These porn films were so graphic, at one point, the woman showed her entire left leg.

A Lady Gaga concert was cancelled in Paris because bad weather kept trucks carrying equipment from arriving. In fact, the most filled truck that couldn't make it - her outfit for that concert.

Vikings punter Chris Kluwe tweeted that the field they’ll play on Monday night is “hard as concrete”. By force of habit, Brett Favre took a picture of it.

Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo is engaged to former Miss Missouri Candace Crawford. These two people are very different. One of them is a beautiful young lady who, despite her outer beauty, has no athletic ability. The other one used to be Miss Missouri.

Eagles quarterback Michael Vick called Sunday’s win over the Giants “one of the greatest comebacks of my career.” In response, the other ten offensive players on the field were like, "Uhh... HELLO?!?!?".

An Amtrak train took 11 hours to go from Washington D.C. to New York City. I haven't heard of something that slow in Washington since the White House.

A poll says four in ten Americans believe in creationism. The other six people are the ones who are stupid enough to refer to it as "creationism".

A poll says 54% of Americans believe in evolution. The other 46% saw Larry King's final show.

WikiLeaks says that India has been accused of widespread torture. The torture has been so bad that at one point they were forced to listen to my jokes.

Golfer Rafael Cabrera-Bello was disqualified from the South African Open in the second round after losing all 11 golf balls he had in his bag. Come on, even Tiger Woods controls his balls better than that.

Tiger Woods saluted Brett Favre in a Tweet for his streak of 297 consecutive starts. Of all the ways Tiger Woods could salute Brett Favre, it's because of his consecutive starts streak.

Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard is writing a memoir that will admit she had problems with drugs, alcohol and eating disorders. Who knew she had another career as a model?

FROM FELLOW COMEDY WRITER JIM BARACH
A 92 year old woman successfully completed a marathon in Hawaii on Sunday. Of course, when she started the race she was 89.

That's all for today! Well, it's been three days since my knee surgery. My knee has been hurting off and on. But it's okay. At least my funny jokes will help me wi - oh, wait, never mind. Anyway, more tomorrow!

"A Black Eye"

Actor Hugh Jackman got a black eye while doing a stunt on the Oprah Show taping in Australia. In fact, Oprah was feeling generous that day, so she gave everyone in the audience a black eye.

Media mogul Ted Turner says he’s “almost to the edge of poverty”. Gosh, give one red-haired crazy guy a show on your network and this happens.

The wife of Cliff Lee, who just signed a big contract with the Phillies, said she was insulted by rude Yankees fans while in New York. If she didn't know Yankees fans were rude, she must be from another planet.

The game show “Jeopardy” will pit two human contestants against an IBM computer. You know how to beat that computer? Forget to program the words "what is" into the computer.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time Magazine's Person of the Year. To which Zuckerberg said, "Umm... Like!".

Elin Nordegren reportedly has a new boyfriend. Fortunately for the new boyfriend, he doesn't golf.

Cincinnati Bengals WR Terrell Owens is blaming the coaches for their 2-11 start. Here's my question: are the coaches the ones on the field?

The Minnesota Vikings are hoping that Brett Favre can return this season. So are all of his opponents.

Chicago Cubs legend Ron Santo has died at the age of 70. "Chicago Cubs legend" is one of those ironies, like "Charlie Sheen's sobriety".

Larry King is in his final week of his show at CNN. That's what his viewers have been thinking for years.

There's a new iPhone app that helps report “suspicious behavior”. It's called "Your Internet History".

French authorities have seized 354 fake Faberge eggs. They knew the eggs were fake when they didn't have any salmonella.

A global study says that money doesn't buy happiness. Try telling that to the people on MTV Cribs.

Less education and income is linked with obesity in women and not men. Also linked with less educaation and income: an appearance on COPS.

A study says that wearing ugly underwear can ruin a woman's day. Especially when they meet men.

A study says that lack of sleep can hurt a person's looks. You know what that means? I haven't had a wink of sleep in months.

That's all for right now! More later!

"Local Taverns"

November 19 is the 147th anniversary of Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address. In other words, it was "Four score and 147 years ago".

November 19 is Larry King’s birthday. He turns 77. Thousand.

Airports are thinking of booting out TSA in favor of private security firms. This would be a change from the TSA, which favored firm privates.

Bernie Madoff has written a new children’s book. The title of the book: Fonzie Steemer the Ponzi Schemer.

An Idaho woman was jailed for pretending to be a doctor and conducting breast exams in local taverns. All signs point to her being a lesbian.

Scientists in Idaho found a seismic fault in the Rockies that could unleash a 7.5 earthquake. They are called "Jumping Exercises on the Biggest Loser Ranch".

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Stone Tools"

An 18-year-old US woman won the Miss World contest in Beijing, China. She had an amazing talent: being able to eat a cheeseburger without throwing it up.

California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman says that her former housekeeper should be deported. If she isn't deported, Whitman said that the housekeeper must suffer through watching campaign ads.

A New York judge says a four year old girl can be sued over a bicycle accident. They can be sued for the entire contents of their piggy banks.

Researchers have found stone tools dating back 75,000 years ago. They were first used when Larry King needed to build a new house.

A documentary about Justin Bieber will be in the theaters in February. And once it's out of theaters, Bieber will go where all the other talentless teenage heartthrobs go: the Disney Channel.

A study says that children in the U.S. watch an average of five hours of TV a day. Of the five hours, four hours and 50 minutes consists of negative campaign ads.

Facebook has spent $6,600 to fight the proposed Social Network Privacy Act. Do they realize how many FarmVille items they could have bought with that money?

A study says that pregnancy is less likely if the male partner is overweight. Mainly because women don't want to have sex with fat people.

"A Huge Fireball"

Congressman Hoyer says Stephen Colbert’s humorous testimony before a congressional committee was “inappropriate” and “an embarrassment”. You know, kind of like Congress.

Hyundai is recalling 140,000 of its 2011 Sonata sedans sold in the US because of a steering problem. Talk about a turn in the wrong direction.

Actress Lindsay Lohan was freed from jail Friday, just hours after being sent there by a judge. All she had to do was tell a judge, "I'm a celebrity, I only have to serve 1% of my sentence".

“Jackass” star Johnny Knoxville got married. After the couple gave their vows, the priest said, "I pronounce you husband and wife. You may now shoot the groom in the nuts".

A huge fireball was seen in the skies over Texas. Of course, since it was a ball in Texas, it slipped right through the Longhorns' secondary.

Fifteen Chrysler workers were caught drinking alcohol and smoking marijuana on their lunch break. This must explain the quality of their cars.

A study says that one in nine teens use sunless tanning products. The other 8 teens don't live near a beach.

A study says that Neanderthals were smarter than they were given credit for. I agree. One of them used to host a talk show on CNN.

The Octomom held a yard sale to try to raise money at which she was auctioning off a nursing bra and bikini. Good luck trying to get people to feel sorry for you, Octomom.

A postal worker in Pennsylvania has been given probation after stashing more than 12,000 pieces of mail. Wait, who still gets mail?

Hollywood experts say that Lindsay Lohan could take ten years to revive her career. What career?

Cincinnati pitcher Aroldis Chapman threw the fastest pitch ever clocked at a Major League game at 105 mph. It disappeared faster than the Cubs' playoff chances.

BP says that its company had limitations. On how much work they could do during the oil spill.

That's all for today! The magic number for the Reds is 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG I hope we clinch tomorrow because I'm going to the game then! It'll be nice to see the Reds clinch then. Anyway, more tomorrow!

"An Alleged Miracle"

Joke of the Day: A study says that brass instruments can cause lung disease. Especially when you play them.

A Florida church has vowed to go ahead with its “Burn a Koran Day”. In response, Al-Qaeda said that their number one target is now retirement communities.

Tiger Woods has been named to the US Ryder Cup team. Tiger then said that he thought that Ryder meant something totally different.

The University of Baltimore is offering a course on “Zombies”. Well, they dropped it back in 1992, but now, the University of Baltimore is glad that it came back to life.

Doctors are analyzing an alleged miracle involving Pope John Paul II. He's dead. If Pope John Paul II does anything, it's a miracle.

The Tea Party continues to post negative ratings. In other news, Osama bin Laden says that he doesn't like the United States.

Research shows that young adults are staying away form the stock market. Maybe you don't have to be old to be wise.

A study says that Facebook can lower grades by 20%. Even the scientists who did this study were stunned. Our grades can get lower?

New research says that even bugs have their own individual personalities. In addition, 99% of that personality involves them annoying the hell out of us.

One Million French people took to the streets to protest an increase in the retirement age. To which Americans said, "What's a retirement age?".

A zoo in England put a 200-pound orangutan on a diet and exercise after her previous owner fed her nothing but marshmallows and candy. You know a monkey needs help when they don't even eat bananas.

“America's Got Talent” judge Piers Morgan will take over for Larry King on CNN in January. They are actually very different. One is a grumpy old man who thinks that he deserves to be famous, and the other one is Larry King.

A Kentucky farmer says his corn is popping while still on the stalk, a phenomenon agricultural experts are blaming on low rainfall and high heat. This must explain why corn pops in the microwave.

That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!

"A Single Curse Word"

Joke of the Day: President Obama said that he isn't worried about the rumors that he is Muslim. In fact, he said that if he ever starts to worry about it, he will go to Allah for guidance.

The lineup for the next season of “'Dancing with the Stars” includes Florence Henderson, Brandy, Kirstie Alley and David Hasselhoff. The show should be more appropriately named, "Dancing with the Celebrities who have nothing better to do anymore".

The salmonella outbreak in fresh eggs has been tied to contaminated chicken feed. This just goes to show that even in the case of salmonella, the chicken came before the egg.

Youth employment for the summer was at 48.9%, the lowest rate since 1948. In fact, it's so bad that China is beating us by 51.1%.

Archaeologists have uncovered a 3,500 year old city in Egypt. In fact, they even have artifacts from when the city first opened. One of them was a "Larry King for Mayor" campaign poster.

Economic experts say there is a 40% chance of slipping back into a recession. Since when did America get out of the recession?

Heidi Montag is reportedly not pleased with some of her plastic surgery. Neither are most Americans.

The federal government is appealing a ruling that struck down a government policy fining broadcasters for even a single curse word. Unless you work at FOX News.

Blockbuster will reportedly file for bankruptcy in September. I guess they put the "bust" in "Blockbuster".

Glenn Beck said that he regrets calling President Obama a racist, adding, "I have a big fat mouth sometimes and I say things". In other news, Mel Gibson also said that he has a big fat mouth sometimes and he says things.

Paula Abdul is "speechless" that people want her to return to American Idol. Wait, there are people who want Paula Abdul back on American Idol?

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!

"Trademark Suspenders"

Joke of the Day: Larry King is leaving CNN. He will always be remembered for his trademark suspenders and oversized round glasses. And also by his nickname, "Steve Urkel".

An Israeli professor has created a new birth control pill for men. This is perfect for men who are too lazy to put on a condom.

Ex tennis prodigy Jennifer Capriati had an overdose after finding out her boyfriend, Dale Dabone was returning to making adult films. What do you expect from a guy named Dabone?

A man who uses medical marijuana for cancer says Walmart fired him after a positive testing for the drug. And also because he tested negative for lead.

General Mills says sales of cereals and other foods are down and that their earnings are below Wall Street’s expectations. You know you suck when you aren't even good enough to satisfy Wall Street.

Lingerie model Larissa Riquelme pledged to run naked through the streets if her native country Paraguay wins the World Cup. Yeah, and that'll happen the day soccer refs allow a U.S. goal to actually count.

Men with facial hair are perceived by women to be more “wild” in the bedroom. Or, as I call them, "Sex offenders".

Kim Kardashian is getting a wax figure at Madame Tussauds. Isn't Kim Kardashian a wax figure in herself?

Beds that reportedly help cure insomnia are becoming available for $60,000. Or you could try a SleepNumber bed FREE for 90 Days! That's right, free for 90 days. And if you don't like it, send it back and we'll cover the cost of shipping!

House Minority Leader John Boehner says the financial reform bill is like killing an ant with a nuclear weapon. It's actually more like killing rats with a nuclear weapon.

A British oil broker was fined and banned from trading after he bought seven million barrels while on a drinking binge. This makes it much more likely that he worked for BP.

A flying car that can be flown like a plane and driven like a car has been given the go ahead by U.S. air authorities. And we thought those cartoon perspectives of the future were just ridiculous.

That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!

"Riddled With Errors"

Joke of the Day: Former “American Idol” winner Fantasia Barrino has been awarded her high school diploma. Even her former high school classmates are going, "Who is she again?".

The shares of BP dropped sharply in London amid a massive sell off. Don't they mean a massive oil spill?

CNBC financial host Suze Orman underwent an emergency appendectomy and had to have her appendix removed on Saturday. Apparently her appendix was suffering from heat exhaustion under her flashy jackets.

The Democrat Senate candidate in South Carolina is a 32-year-old man who lives with his parents and who’s been charged with showing obscene photos to a college woman. This guy was born to be a Senator.

A new survey found that 3 out of 4 Americans still believe that global warming is occurring. The other person didn't have Al Gore put a gun to their head.

Scientists say that the sun is about to become much more active, producing numerous sun spots. These scientists work for the Al Gore Institute.

New research from Britain found that an unmade bed may be unappealing to dust mites and thus may be healthier than one that is made. Apparently these researchers are not parents.

Boston Celtics guard Ray Allen was 0-for-13 from the field Tuesday night against the Lakers in the NBA championship series. Even BP was giving him advice on how to perform better.

British Petroleum’s 582 page plan for oil spills was riddled with errors and omissions, according to an analysis. Or, as CEO Tony Hayward calls it, "Perfect".

The oldest leather shoe ever found was discovered in Armenia. To which Larry King said, "I've been looking for that!".

A woman on a Continental Airlines flight from Israel to Newark, New Jersey says she was drugged and robbed on the flight. That sounds like something your health insurance company would do to you.

A 600 pound New Jersey woman wants to become the world’s fattest woman by making it to 1,000 pounds. I'm sure her parents will be so proud.

That's all for today! I hope I have more jokes tomorrow!

"Totally Broke"

Joke of the Day: June 3rd was National Repeat Day. In other news, June 3rd was National Repeat Day.

A porn actor suspect of killing a friend moved to the edge of a cliff while evading police and fell to his death. Who knew that Wile E. Coyote was in the porn business?

Researchers are studying the effects of having students stand instead of sit during class. One effect: it makes their cell phones more noticeable when they text.

British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward says he won’t resign and that his company will recover from the Gulf oil spill. This was said after he threw a penny into a fountain at a New Orleans mall.

Sarah Ferguson says she is “totally broke”. Now we know why she made a deal to meet Prince Andrew.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs says that AT&T is improving its network. I guess somebody was able to have a call go through.

A new study says that children of lesbian couples are better adjusted socially and academically than children from traditional families. That's because those kids don't have a dad that could be a bad influence.

Three people were killed and several others injured after a natural gas line in north Texas erupted Monday. To which BP said, "Oh no, not again. There's another gas leak for us to not fix".

An Indonesian census has revealed the possibility of a 157-year old woman. Or, as Larry King calls her, "my granddaughter".

Police said a naked man yelling that he was 'Jesus' was the catalyst for a five-vehicle accident that injured three people and slowed traffic for nearly six hours. The man has been sentenced to death by crucifixion.

Cereal maker Kellogg Co has agreed to drop advertising claims that Rice Krispies will strengthen children's immune systems. Now, it may cause their immune systems to snap, crackle, and pop.

An Australian cafe is claiming a world record after cooking a giant hamburger with a 178 lb patty. It takes 12 hours to cook, four men to flip, and Kirstie Alley to eat.

A Canadian has won a contest for writing the "world's most beautiful tweet." The tweet: After this, I'm going to get a life.

More medical care won't necessarily make you healthier — it may make you sicker. Especially when you look at the hospital bill.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Reliance On Fossil Fuels"

Joke of the Day: A study says that 40% of all teenagers have had sex at least once. The other 60% of teenagers are too busy texting to have sex.

California may ban plastic bags from grocery stores. That's because California is running out of plastic for all the plastic surgery that everyone gets.

May brought lower ratings for Larry King at CNN. This adds to the extensive list of things that have been lower for Larry King.

Ken Griffey, Jr. is retiring from baseball after a 22 year career. Now, it's okay for him to nap during games.

Actress Kristen Stewart says that fame is like being raped. You enjoy it at first, but in the end, you end up getting screwed and pregnant with illegitimate children.

President Obama says reliance on fossil fuels must end. He's saying this because BP is pouring all of them into the Gulf of Mexico.

Biologists say the Gulf oil spill won’t wipe out shrimp in the Gulf. If the shrimp die due to ingesting oil, they'd be perfect for Joe's Crab Shack.

A French man with no arms or legs will attempt to swim across the English Channel. Key word: attempt.

A survey says that talk therapy works as well as taking anti-depressants. In other words, neither one works at all.

A study says that nighttime urination is linked to a higher death risk. That's because people who do this are "older".

Mark McGwire’s wife has given birth to triplets. I thought steroids made McGwire's you-know-what smaller.

While cutting away a piece of the pipe on the Gulf floor, BP’s diamond-tipped saw blade became stuck. How about we work on getting the oil stuck?

That's all for now! More tomorrow!

"Finding Cheaper Gas"

Joke of the Day: A study says that people get happier with age. Which explains Larry King's "Happiest Person on Earth" award.

Tyra Banks gave a teary farewell to her talk show, saying that critics gave her two weeks, but the show lasted five years. This is almost exactly like Conan O' Brien, but his show lasted seven months.

British Petroleum is finally admitting that the Gulf oil spill is a catastrophe. Next on their list: actually doing something about it.

The GOP has received more money from small donors than the Democrats. Or, as I like to call it, "a non-bailout".

U.S. Diplomat Paul Bremer says the war in Iraq was badly planned. When you have George W. Bush as President, what do you expect?

A study says that high school drop outs cost taxpayers $8 Billion a year in public assistance. What about money for all the illegitimate children that they gave birth to?

U.S. drivers are finding cheaper gas for the Memorial Day Holiday Weekend. It's called "bringing a bucket to the Gulf of Mexico".

Mexico is fighting fat by banning junk food from its schools. Mexico wants these kids to be fit when they immigrate to the U.S.

Phillies pitcher Roy Halladay pitched a perfect game against the Florida Marlins on Saturday. It was the best offensive performance by the Marlins all year.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have apparently broken up. They broke up with each other when they realized how much of an idiot they both can be.

British Petroleum Managing Director Robert Dudley says that the company is learning from its failures and will apply them to their next try. Their next try? Don't they mean their first try?

Gary Coleman’s parents are demanding answers about his death. Like where is the curb that he fell off of?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Denied Eating Baby Food"

Joke of the Day: Sarah Palin spoke at the National Rifle Association's annual meeting in North Carolina. The NRA members were confused when Palin repeatedly told them that she would continue to fight for their First Amendment rights.

Scientists in China say they have found a new use for discarded cigarette butts. Here in America, we use them to decorate our roads and sidewalks.

Chemical extracts from cigarette butts can be used to protect steel pipes from rusting, a study in China has found. To which BP said, "We'll take it".

The big news out of Hollywood is that Jennifer Aniston denied eating baby food. In other news, Mary Kate Olsen has denied eating anything.

Researchers in the journal Science say that the earliest birds were very poor flyers and in fact were probably only gliders. You know, like the first ever airplanes.

Researchers in the journal Science say that the earliest birds were very poor flyers and in fact were probably only gliders. They could still poop on us with incredible accuracy.

Forty-one people were arrested after the Montreal Canadiens defeated the Pittsburgh Penguins in game 7 of their series. They were all sentenced to five minutes in the penalty box.

Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen says he will not participate in the next year’s All-Star game if it is held in Phoenix. You know who else said this? Phoenix.

May 14 is the date that Gabriel Daniel Fahrenheit, the German physicist, was born in 1686. To which President Bush said, "What is this Fahrenheit guy known for?".

Former US president Bill Clinton is raffling off a day with himself in New York to help his wife Hillary pay off a still hefty debt from her 2008 White House bid. No male bidders have been allowed.

A hotel in Dubai has just installed a machine that dispenses pure gold. Or, as Lil' Wayne calls them, "New dentures".

President Obama was at a Buffalo Wild Wings in Buffalo, and the cashier called him "a hottie with a smokin' hot body". When President Obama handed her a $20 bill, the cashier said, "Here's your change. Now may I please have mine?"

More foreign companies are outsourcing work to the U.S. This is the clearest example ever of "now you know how it feels".

A study says that women who marry younger men may die earlier. This means that all of Larry King's wives and ex-wives will be around for a while.

A survey says that Toyota owners’ loyalty is down over the past few months. Well you would think so!

That's all I have for right now. More later!

"Targeting Ethnic Studies"

Joke of the Day: Florida Governor Charlie Crist says he wants BP to pay $35 Million for a tourism ad campaign. Oddly enough, it's a cruise.

The Republican Party selected Tampa as the sight of their 2012 presidential nominating convention. Tampa is in Florida, which means that John McCain doesn't have to travel very far.

A group of former astronauts have written to Pres. Obama to tell him that his budget for space exploration is “a blueprint for a mission to nowhere”. Or, as Obama calls it, his list of promises to the American people.

Florida Gov. Charlie Crist signed the paperwork that officially made him an independent candidate and severed ties with the Republican Party. Usually when a Republican severs ties, he follows that up by telling a girl to "Keep the change".

Next week, talk show host Larry King will interview Rolling Stones singer Mick Jagger. They will both reminisce about their favorite childhood moment: The grand opening of Stonehenge.

A 22-year-old man was arrested after posing as a 16-year-old high school sophomore basketball player in Odessa, Texas. He either wanted to have an advantage on the court, or he wanted to legally have sex with a teacher.

A study says that caffeine reduces on the job mistakes. Actually, the participants of the study were faking it so they could keep the coffeemaker.

The Governor of Arizona has signed a bill targeting ethnic studies, with the state’s school chief saying public schools shouldn’t encourage students to resent a particular race. You know, like Arizona does with Mexicans.

Microscopic robots made from DNA can reportedly walk, follow instructions and work together. All we know is that these robots are really good at taking a sobriety test.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"The Pi Beta Phi Sorority"

Joke of the Day: A new iPhone app turns a person’s picture into what they would look like as a neanderthal. Larry King already has something like that. It's called a mirror.

The Walt Disney Co. posted a 55% jump in second quarter earnings thanks to the success of the 3-D film “Alice in Wonderland”. And also because they stopped airing "Hannah Montana".

The Pi Beta Phi sorority at Miami University of Ohio has been suspended for a year for their outrageous behavior at a party including drunkenness, public urination and uncontrolled sex. Who else considers it strange that Ben Roethlisberger went to college at that very school?

NASA says it has found a huge chunk of the universe’s matter that it had considered missing. To which Pluto said, "Thank you for finding us".

Hank Haney resigned as Tiger Woods swing coach. So if Hank Haney is the swing coach, does that make Tiger Woods a swinger?

Russia’s richest man, Mikhail Prokhorov, purchased 80% of the New Jersey Nets. Or, as the Nets call it, their losses.

A ”brain dead” satellite drifting in space could interrupt cable programming in the U.S. I don't know what question more Americans have asked, "What would we do without cable?" or, "Why would they name anything after George W. Bush?".

The SEC is looking into what caused the stock market plunge of more than 1,000 points last week. I blame it on the fact that the Parental Controls were shut down.

That's all for now. Definitely more later!