"Acting Classes"

I have been invited to the Royal Wedding. Unfortunately, I have to sit between Levi Johnston and Donald Trump's barber.

Apple says its long-awaited white iPhone 4 will go on sale today. I bought one, and I will always remember where I made my first call. Unfortunately, so will Apple.

Recently, Barack and Michelle Obama went to tape an appearance at the Oprah Winfrey show. When asked what it was like to be with the leader of the free world, Barack said that it was very exciting.

A 91-year-old San Diego woman is selling suicide kits online for $60. It consists of a picture of the woman, and a gun to shoot yourself with when you look at it.

A former Miss USA pageant winner says she felt "violated" during a TSA patdown. Well gosh, I wonder what would incline someone to want to violate a former Miss USA.

Libyan dictator Moammar Qaddafi says that he has increased sexual violence, and has even issued some of his troops Viagra. And if they don't obey his orders, they will have to deal with some stiff penalties.

Lindsay Lohan says she may teach acting classes at a homeless shelter for her community service. And you thought homeless people were miserable before.

A study says that steering wheels have more germs than a toilet seat. God, whose cars did they study?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Cheery People"

A Florida agency is being investigated for spending thousands of dollars to buy superhero capes to give to the unemployed. And I'm gonna go out on a limb and say these people are also unmarried.

Donald Trump says he will bring fun back to the nation’s capital if he is elected President. First, Gary Busey says that he'll make a great president, and now this. Is he funding the attack ads against him or something?

Cincinnati Reds pitcher Aroldis Chapman threw a pitch against the Pirates that was measured at 106 mph. It went by faster than the Pirates' chances at the playoffs.

Some more recent controversy in the air traffic control tower has arisen. Right before he got on the walkie talkie, an air traffic controllers was heard saying, "Hey guys, watch this".

An eight decade long study says that cheery people die sooner. Cheery people that heard this are no longer cheery.

A new British beer will contain Viagra. The name of the beer: Mike's Hard.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"A Bookless Library"

President Obama said that he is officially running for President in 2012. Obama is hoping that Oprah endorses him again, and he hopes that his opponent is Sarah Palin.

Charlie Sheen was booed off the stage in Detroit at the opening of his 20-city “Violent Torpedo of Truth” tour. He wasn't even on the stage for Two and a Half Seconds.

Oakland Raiders receiver Louis Murphy was arrested on Sunday morning for possession of Viagra without a valid prescription. For something like this, I would expect some very stiff penalties.

Newport Beach, California is considering a bookless library. Maybe these city officials should get a dictionary and look up the word "library".

Florida lawmakers are considering a plan that would allow NASCAR fans to have their urns placed at Daytona International Speedway after they are cremated. All the graves will be marked "Yeah, I'm officially a redneck".

A new study says that cases of "flattened head" babies are on the rise. No, that evil baby genius from Family Guy doesn't count.

Texas Instruments Inc. is buying National Semiconductor for $6.5 billion in a marriage of two of the world's premier makers of analog chips. If you got excited about this news story, you're probably single.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

*This post is dedicated to Karen Barach, the late wife of my comedy writing friend Jim Barach. She died early this morning. Best wishes to the Barach family.

"Mubarak's Ouster"

On Libya’s “Day of Protest” Thursday, clashes broke out in several cities. Oh, sorry about the typo, I meant Egypt.

A male high school wrestler in Iowa defaulted in the state tournament rather than wrestle a girl; he feels the sport is too violent to wrestle girls. I guess that rules him out of being a Pittsburgh quarterback.

A British graphic designer created and is selling the royal wedding barf bag. Where was this during the Super Bowl halftime show?

The US gave Egypt $150 million in economic aid following Mubarak’s ouster. That's like Lindsay Lohan recommending a rehab facility for you.

The President of Uganda is going to release a rap album. (I'm gonna hate myself for this) Uganda regret this, dude.

The Kardashians made a reported $65 Million last year, making them Hollywood’s highest earners. And why do they feel the need to date wealthy sports stars?

66 year old rocker Rod Stewart has become a father for the eighth time. A Viagra to Rod Stewart is like a cup of coffee to a teenager. They are the keys to help them get up.

More than 100 people were arrested in Medicare fraud scheme. I think the thing that makes Medicare a fraud is the old fat guy that thinks "diabetes" is pronounced "diabeetus".

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Staying Single"

Today, Feb. 11, is National Satisfied Staying Single Day. Or, as I call that, Valentine's Day.

Egypt’s Pres. Mubarak handed much of his power to his vice president, Omar Suleiman. To Egyptians, this is a dream come true. To Americans, that would be straight up awful if that happened.

Donald Trump has hinted that he may run for president in 2012. And you thought Meg Whitman spent a shitload of money on her campaign.

Clay Matthews will be a presenter at the upcoming Grammy Awards. It's either that, or Lady Gaga will be wearing a Packers jersey. Not like anybody will be able to tell the difference.

A report says that Viagra prescriptions reach a high the week before Valentine’s Day. I wonder why...

Australian scientists have developed a “thinking cap” that reportedly makes people more creative by running an electrical current into their brain. When the device worked, the scientists were shocked.

Michael Jordan practiced with his Charlotte Bobcats and reportedly still looked good. In fact, the Cleveland Cavaliers are asking Michael Jordan to play for them.

A new procedure provides a way for people to hear with their nose. I wonder what it's like to tell that person a secret.

Lindsay Lohan says she would consider a plea deal over felony grand theft charges if it includes no prison time. She's a celebrity. She's not getting jail time either way.

Donald Trump says the U.S. has become a “laughing stock”. Hey Donald, I'm sure your hair had something to do with that.

Former “American Idol” finalist Justin Guarini will join the Broadway production of “American Idiot”. So he went from American Idol to American Idiot. Like Paula Abdul.

Janet Jackson says she felt ugly and unattractive when she was younger. But the ugliest woman in the family is still Michael.

The college professor who had a camera implanted in the back of his head has had it removed. When he said "I have eyes in the back of my head", he wasn't kidding.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Concussion Rates"

Lindsey Lohan's dad is planning to open up a rehab center in California. He's only doing this so Lindsay Lohan gets in free.

Pittsburgh Steeler's Troy Polamalu has insured his long hair for $1 million dollars. It's already worth more than Ben Roethlisberger.

Texas Representative Ron Paul is questioning whether there is any gold at all in Ft. Knox. He first made this assumption when someone compared Ft. Knox to Russia's Olympic medals.

While mass-market retailers have seen revenue drop the past several months, luxury retailers are experiencing high growth. This is what some people like to refer to as, "The United States Economy".

President Obama has embarrassed his older daughter Malia by revealing that she wears braces on her teeth. Malia then embarrassed President Obama by showing him the blank sheet of paper listing all of his accomplishments.

A New Hampshire high school student is suing his shop class teacher for not warning him of the dangers of attaching electrical clamps to his nipples and shocking himself. If you aren't smart enough to know that shocking your nipples is a bad thing, you should probably drop out of high school.

Concussion rates are soaring among younger kids. This must explain their performance in school.

Eating a variety of fruits and vegetables may decrease the risk of some kinds of lung cancer for smokers, according to a study released Monday. Also decreasing the risk of some kinds of lung cancer for smokers: not smoking.

Teachers in Milwaukee are fighting to get Viagra drug coverage back. Gee, I wonder why teachers would need Viagra.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Twilight-Themed Apps"

Joke of the Day: A study says that Americans with kids 18 and under are less likely to get exercise and more likely to be overweight. Just like their kids.

The US Air Force is thinking about retiring the B-1 Bomber fleet in an effort to save money. The cause of this Bomber fleet's retirement is that every time somebody mentions it, George Bush thinks he has BINGO. (Punchline inspired by a joke from Jerry Perisho from yesterday)

Senate Judiciary Committee hearings on Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan began Monday. Unfortunately for Elena, the Senate has turned it into a beauty contest.

Apple says it sold 1.7 million units of its new iPhone 4 in just 3 days. Which is approximately the amount of time it took for Apple to announce a prototype of the iPhone 5.

The Apple iPhone has several new Twilight-themed apps. In a related story, the number of teenage girls with iPhones has skyrocketed.

I don't think it was a good idea for President Obama to fire General Stanley McChrystal for criticizing him. Why? Because now when McChrystal criticizes Obama, it's not against the rules.

The FDA is urging that less antibiotics be used in meat products. "Don't worry, we'll cut down", said Viagra.

Lance Armstrong says this will be his last Tour de France. Of course, it raises suspicion when you have Brett Favre as your speechwriter.

A study says that left handed pitchers are more prone to injury than other baseball players. Well, to be fair, Ken Griffey Jr. pitched in high school.*

President Obama says the U.S. can’t borrow and buy the world its way to prosperity. One thing's for sure: Oprah certainly disagrees.

The Alaska Distillery in Wasilla has unveiled its new spirit - Smoked Salmon Flavored Vodka. It also goes by its other name: alcoholic ocean water.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

*A little side note: Ken Griffey Jr. went to high school in my hometown of Cincinnati at Moeller High School.

"A Risky Procedure"

Joke of the Day: A teenage driver in New York crashed his car after passing out while trying to hold his breath. This is the first time in a long time that someone who crashed their car was holding something other than their cell phone.

Cold Stone Creamery’s “PB&C” milkshake at more than 2,000 calories has been called the worst drink in America by Men’s Health Magazine. This is obviously not the worst-tasting drink in America.

A Dominican man went on a cocaine binge that resulted in an erection that lasted 27 days. And you thought four hours raised concerns.

A study says that children are more likely to be injured in every day activities on holidays. Like papercuts when opening Christmas presents.

Tiger Woods reportedly has been told not to date until his divorce is final. Unfortunately, Tiger knows the difference between dates and hook-ups.

Researchers say that elderly people should avoid wearing bifocal glasses outside to cut down the chance of falling. Here's an idea to help them stop falling: get a wheelchair.

A poll says that 16% of Americans approve British Petroleum’s handling of the Gulf oil spill crisis. The percentage was changed to zero when the 16% was asked "Explain why".

A risky procedure to stop the oil spewing into the Gulf of Mexico has yet to show much success. If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that...

Gary Coleman, child star of 1970s show "Diff'rent Strokes," has died after suffering a brain hemorrhage. To which Bret Michaels said, "Wow, someone can die from that?".

Gary Coleman, child star of 1970s show "Diff'rent Strokes," has died after suffering a brain hemorrhage. His funeral is expected to be made fun of. For example, his casket used to be a shoebox.

That's it for today! More tomorrow!

"Unwanted Scrap"

Joke of the Day: A pitbull has reportedly taken Viagra to help him stay alive. If the pitbull takes Viagra and stays alive for more than four hours, he must call his doctor.

Tiger Woods has reportedly entered the British Open. Seriously though, what hasn't he entered?

Michelle Obama joined Partnership for a Healthier America in announcing an important first step towards solving childhood obesity within a generation by reducing 1.5 trillion product calories by the end of 2015. Or, as Kirstie Alley calls it, lunch.

Warren Buffett will auction off another lunch to raise money for charity. The winner will win lunch with Warren at the restaurant that he owns: The All-You-Can-Eat Buffett.

GM says it has a “good chance” of making a profit in 2010. That's like the Oakland Raiders saying they have a "good chance" of making the playoffs next year.

Oil prices are down 20% since early May. This came about because people realized they can get oil at the ocean for free.

Fox will shrink “American Idol” next year to a half hour show. It's nice to know that something on "American Idol" is shrinking besides Simon Cowell's T-Shirts.

BP says that it may try to plug the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico with unwanted scrap. Finally, my monologue scripts are coming to good use!

A 23-year-old man is accused of falsifying his resume to dupe Harvard out of thousands of dollars in financial aid and scholarships. Here's what I think: If you are smart enough to fool Harvard, you are probably smart enough to enroll there.

That's all I have for right now! More later!

"Low Quality Child Care"

Joke of the Day: Detroit is set to demolish 10,000 abandoned properties. Like the win column for the Detroit Lions.

A report says the Internet is linked to people’s happiness. It's the Internet. It links everything.

Rock guitarist Tom Kaulitz told a German newspaper he took several Viagra pills and suffered blurred vision for several days. And you thought the endless list of Viagra's side effects couldn't get any bigger.

Rock guitarist Tom Kaulitz told a German newspaper he took several Viagra pills and suffered blurred vision for several days. Usually, if something bad happens for more than four hours, the first place I call wouldn't be a German newspaper.

A study says that depressed children earn less money as they get older. In other words, is the U.S. a depressed child?

A study says that low quality child care can have a lasting impact on a child’s learning ability and behavior. Now, "Jon and Kate Plus 8" will turn into "Supernanny" before the intervention.

A study says that people exposed to the sun while driving are more prone to skin cancer. Unless they drive a Toyota and the sun's rays can't catch up to them.

Detroit is set to demolish 10,000 abandoned properties. Like the Detroit Pistons' basketball hoop.

That's all I have for today! More for tomorrow!

"Hung Parliament"

Joke of the Day: A report says that one in five men around the world may have fertility problems. The other four have already had "the talk" with their doctor.

The Minnesota State Senate has voted to increase taxes on the wealthy. Wealthy people are furious. They will go from multimillionaires to just millionaires.

The number of Americans moving into new homes has increased to 12.5% of the population. Of those 12.5%, 99.9% of those homes were previously foreclosed on.

Coca-Cola is going high tech with a machine that allows people to mix up to 104 different drinks. This machine is called, "A five-year old's dream".

German scientists say they have found sunken islands in the Caribbean Sea. Um yeah, don't many people call that Atlantis?

A man in India claims he hasn’t had food or water in the past 70 years. The National Enquirer was the first to report.

The South Pole reported its warmest year on record, averaging -54.2 degrees Fahrenheit. As a matter of fact, the CEO of Goldman Sachs just visited there so he could warm up.

In Britain, since no political party won an outright majority of seats in last week’s election, the result is a “hung Parliament”. You know, kind of like the government we have right here in the US.

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced that he will resign his position. He will go back to his first job: a marshmallow on a S'more.

An Australian TV channel is teaching the Noongar Aboriginal language to young children to help keep it from being lost. The show has already come up with its main character: Muzzy.

A new study finds that the rewards portion of a gambler’s brain considers “near misses” as wins. Or, as CitiGroup calls them, "Executive bonuses".

The June issue of Playboy will feature a 3-D centerfold picture. Don't get ahead of yourself. It's just Scott Brown with a stick coming out of the staples.

First lady Michelle Obama on Tuesday unveiled a 70-point plan for reducing childhood obesity within a generation, including a call for marketing healthier food. Obese kids plan to protest, but getting them off the couch could be a major issue.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Google, Kansas"

Starbucks is trying out a 31 ounce iced drink it is selling for $2.60. They are calling it "water".

Information released by the PGA says that John Daly has been suspended from the Tour five times, cited 11 times for bad conduct and been ordered to rehab seven times. And that was just last year.

A study says that too much time in front of the TV and computers for teens may result in problems developing relationships. This is especially considering what teens watch on the TV and computer.

Topeka, Kansas has temporarily renamed itself "Google, Kansas" to try to get the Internet company to test a new high speed Internet connection there. Yeah, like anybody uses the Internet in Kansas.

The Post Office says that it will have to stop delivering mail to homes and businesses on Saturdays. The Post Office then realized that you don't have to stop what you never started.

The earth’s movement during the earthquake in Chile may have actually shortened the length of the average day by one-millionth of a second. Or, as auctioneers call it, a sentence.

NBA star LeBron James has filed the paperwork that will allow him to change numbers on his jersey from #23 to #6, next season. In other news, former NBA player John Amaechi has decided that he wants to be #9. (think about it)

March 3rd is “What if Cats and Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs Day”. I can't believe people don't know about it. President Bush made it a national holiday five years ago.

March 3rd is “What if Cats and Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs Day”. In an unrelated story, March 4th is "What if People Thought of Days That Actually Make Some Sense Day".

President Barack Obama urged Congress Wednesday to vote "up or down" on sweeping health care legislation in the next few weeks. I was confused to hear that he was talking about Viagra.

A California man who tried to save water and money by removing his front lawn is being taken to court. That's strange. A California man can afford a front lawn?

Scientists trying to break the fat-and-disease link increasingly say inflammation is the key. I think they should break up the link into six parts. Fat, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy, "Damn!", and "Oh, Hell no!".

The American Cancer Society revised its guidelines for prostate cancer screening on Wednesday. Wait, I didn't know prostate exams had guidelines.

Well, that's it for this afternoon! Please come back tomorrow for more monologue jokes!