"Leonard Michael Adams-Oliver"

Holy shit, I haven't posted in a while. I've been busy doing standup and having a blast writing one liners on the Twitter. Here's an update at the topical jokes I have written over the past few months.

Horsemeat has been found in Burger King's Whoppers. If you think that's bad, I just found hamburger meat in my Elmers Glue.

An accused doctor at Johns Hopkins killed himself with helium. God reportedly tried to send him to hell, but he wouldn't stay down.

The National Enquirer says that OJ Simpson is having gay sex in prison. This would be the first time that a man helped get OJ off since 1995.

A greeter for the Heart Attack Grill died of a heart attack. News of his death has raised some concern at the Butthole Cancer Pizzeria.

A 9-year old girl in Mexico gave birth. That's sickening. Girls nowadays don't have sex until they're at least 12.

A study says that “coming out” can bring health benefits. "Not really," said AIDS.

A new pill reportedly gives a man an erection in seven seconds. There's two of them, and they're called breasts.

Casey Anthony filed for bankruptcy. Hopefully she finds some extra money in the ditch where she hid Caylee.

A study says that smoking shortens a person’s life span by at least ten years. If that's the case, Monica Lewinsky's vagina died in 2002.

Two Alaskan strippers reportedly fought over a one dollar bill. Yet another tough day on the job for Holly Goldberg and Candy Weinstein.

A man leaving a gun show in Indianapolis accidentally shot himself in the hand. He was then arrested for trying to impersonate Jesus.

Jodie Foster "came out" during her Golden Globes speech. John Hinckley really has his work cut out for him now.

Britney Spears says she wants to do a sitcom. I hope it's based on her marriages. And by that, I mean I hope it's cancelled after two weeks.

Secretary of State John Kerry will sign all tweets with JK while in office, which doesn't bode well for Iowa senator Leonard Michael Adams-Oliver.

That's an update for right now. Expect an update in a few months with some more jokes that I've written. It's basically how I got my start in comedy, and I love doing it. I used to write several jokes a day, and that was fun, but looking back on it, a lot of them were hack and not that funny. Now, I go for quality, not quantity. And quality, especially with writing jokes, is not easy. Well, thanks for your patience, and I hope you enjoyed these. Because if not, that's three months of work in the shit can. Anyway, thanks for y'alls reads, and see you soon!

"Totally Broke"

Joke of the Day: June 3rd was National Repeat Day. In other news, June 3rd was National Repeat Day.

A porn actor suspect of killing a friend moved to the edge of a cliff while evading police and fell to his death. Who knew that Wile E. Coyote was in the porn business?

Researchers are studying the effects of having students stand instead of sit during class. One effect: it makes their cell phones more noticeable when they text.

British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward says he won’t resign and that his company will recover from the Gulf oil spill. This was said after he threw a penny into a fountain at a New Orleans mall.

Sarah Ferguson says she is “totally broke”. Now we know why she made a deal to meet Prince Andrew.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs says that AT&T is improving its network. I guess somebody was able to have a call go through.

A new study says that children of lesbian couples are better adjusted socially and academically than children from traditional families. That's because those kids don't have a dad that could be a bad influence.

Three people were killed and several others injured after a natural gas line in north Texas erupted Monday. To which BP said, "Oh no, not again. There's another gas leak for us to not fix".

An Indonesian census has revealed the possibility of a 157-year old woman. Or, as Larry King calls her, "my granddaughter".

Police said a naked man yelling that he was 'Jesus' was the catalyst for a five-vehicle accident that injured three people and slowed traffic for nearly six hours. The man has been sentenced to death by crucifixion.

Cereal maker Kellogg Co has agreed to drop advertising claims that Rice Krispies will strengthen children's immune systems. Now, it may cause their immune systems to snap, crackle, and pop.

An Australian cafe is claiming a world record after cooking a giant hamburger with a 178 lb patty. It takes 12 hours to cook, four men to flip, and Kirstie Alley to eat.

A Canadian has won a contest for writing the "world's most beautiful tweet." The tweet: After this, I'm going to get a life.

More medical care won't necessarily make you healthier — it may make you sicker. Especially when you look at the hospital bill.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!