"Bomb-Resistant Boxers"

A study says that alcohol abuse is responsible for 4% of the deaths world wide every year. It would really be ironic if someone gave a toast at that funeral.

Arnold Schwarzenegger says he plans to return to make movies. This is great news for both of his movie fans.

A poll says that 35% of Americans say the country’s most important problem is unemployment. The other 65% have a job.

The Department of Agriculture says the cost of raising a child is $286,000, not including college. And for me, that's just the cost of food.

Charlie Sheen talked to the UCLA baseball team and told them to “stay off crack and drink chocolate milk.” In Charlie Sheen language, that means "Don't do anal and have sex with a black chick".

Lindsay Lohan says she was not raised to lie, cheat or steal. If that's the case, her parents did one crappy job.

Moody’s has given Playboy’s corporate debt a B-2 rating. When Hugh Hefner heard the rating, he thought he got bingo.

Bomb resistant boxers are being manufactured by a New York company. Aren't those called "diapers".

Two horses collapsed and died under mysterious circumstances Saturday before a race. At least they didn't die a painful death. Their jockeys were going to be Oprah Winfrey and Kirstie Alley.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"They Will Kiss At Midnight"

Nearly 500,000 people will cram themselves into Times Square on New Year’s Eve. It will be more crowded than NYC's unemployment lines.

Snooki will be dropped inside a ball on New Year’s Eve, but in New Jersey and not in NYC. And you thought the air in New Jersey couldn't get any worse.

Lindsay Lohan is due to leave rehab next Tuesday. She will then return on Thursday.

Octomom can avoid being evicted from her southern California home if the mortgage is sold to the founder of a porn film company. Gosh, the two people most well known for making babies will have lived in the same house.

Florida conservationists say the way to repair the overabundance of invading lionfish is to eat them. Don't get any ideas, China.

China has shut down 60,000 porn sites in a censorship crackdown. Who knew anyone could get sick of Asian porn?

A study says that most people’s New Year resolutions only last a week. Isn't that called a relapse?

CNN had its worst Prime Time ratings since 1996. They were so bad that they considered giving Jay Leno the 10PM time slot.

The U.S. has approved a testosterone gel for men with low hormone levels. They were so successful that Justin Bieber's voice started getting deeper.

BP is readying beaches in time for Spring Break. I'm sure most Americans are tired of hearing "BP" and "Break" in the same sentence.

Ben Roethlisberger won the “Chief Award” from the Pittsburgh media for his cooperation. If any normal person rapes someone but cooperates, they get decades in prison. But if Roethlisberger does the same, he gets an NFL contract and an award.

Doesn't IHOP sound like a SmartPhone app for people with one leg?

Facebook has passed Google as the most popular Internet site. The least popular Internet site: my blog.

Ryan Seacrest and his New Year’s co-host Jenny McCarthy say they will kiss at midnight. When asked what it will be like to kiss a beautiful woman, McCarthy said she isn't sure yet.

Army beat SMU for their first Bowl win in 25 years. Since Army won, they will have to face an opponent they have never beaten: The University of Iraq.

That's it for 2010! It has been an extremely memorable year for me! I was on iPhunny, the New York Times blog, I met Leno, Ferguson (indirectly), I was a regular comic on Dailycomedy, and I performed my first stand-up show! Ah, the memories. In fact, today is the one year anniversary of the beginning of my blog. I'm gonna miss everything about 2010!

"Electric Taxis"

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg wants big cities to start using electric taxis. How about cleaner taxis?

Medical researchers have figured out a way to turn a person’s skin into blood. It's called a mosquito.

LA Lakers star Kobe Bryant stars in a new TV ad for the video game “Call Of Duty”. You know what the difference is between Kobe and COD players? Kobe has actually had a girlfriend.

A study says good conversation boosts a person’s brain power. You know what this means? Guests on the Maury Povich show are mentally retarded.

Fox has ordered a new show where contestants are given $1 Million and have it slowly taken away. The title of the show: American Stock Market.

Pennsylvania may outlaw cakes, cookies and candy at school birthday parties. And who says Pennsylvania is doing nothing about the educational system?

Filmgoers have been reportedly fainting during the self-amputation scene in the movie “127 Hours”. You know what Jeffrey Dahmer calls this scene? A huge turn-on.

Charlie Sheen brushed aside questions from his latest meltdown, saying “Can’t a guy have one bad night?”. Everyone in America has had the same response: "Just one?".

President Bush says the financial crisis “blindsided” him. I don't think he knows what "blindsided" is. Bush said it "blindsided" him like that Ravens football player.

Doctors say they are close to making STD tests available through cell phones. This sounds a little confusing. I mean, I can barely fit my cell phone charger in the slot.

A study says that working for food makes it taste better. This means that 10% of Americans hate their food.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Their First Gay Character"

Joke of the Day: Detroit is looking to reclaim its agricultural past as people are growing community gardens in abandoned lots. In a related story, flowers were spotted in the Detroit Lions' end zone.

88 year old Prince Philip of England injured his ankle while driving a carriage. It could be worse. At least he wasn't driving a Toyota.

A survey says that one in five Americans is worried about losing their job in the next twelve months. The other four Americans are sleeping with their boss.

A study says that laughter brings the same effects as exercise. This explains why fans of "Two and a Half Men" are so fat.

A pregnant Massachusetts woman has been arrested for stabbing three people. Police were seriously concerned when the woman said, "Well, I was going to have triplets".

Archie Comics will introduce their first gay character, named Kevin Keller. However, he is nowhere near as important as his great-great-great grandmother, Helen.

The biggest study ever about the effects of cell phones on health is taking place in Europe. It's so big that the study area includes a race track for texting.

Joni Mitchell says that Bob Dylan is a plagiarist. Bob Dylan couldn't be a plagiarist. There weren't any other white non-racists in the 1960's.

The Boy Scouts have been ordered to pay an Oregon man $18.5 Million in an abuse case. The Boy Scouts paid $18.5 million dollars? They must have sold an awful lot of popcorn.

German researchers have developed technology that can allow people to drive where there eyes are looking. I must ask, how can somebody drive into the back of their eyelids?

A White House Adviser has recently said that President Obama loves pie. Here's how much he loves it: Obama eats more pie than our government eats our tax dollars.

A Riverside County man was arrested for allegedly stealing dozens of fire hydrants. I don't know about anybody else, but I think his dog is going to have one hell of a Christmas.

Well, a great day for my writing! More tomorrow!!!!!!

"A Hoax Weapon Of Mass Destruction"

The wife of Congressman John Conyers has been sentenced to three years in prison for bribery. To which she said, "If anyone helps me find a way out of jail, I'll give them five thousand bucks".

Kansas City, Missouri is planning on closing nearly half its public schools because of money problems. I'm not sure that one public school closing is all that big of a deal...

A study says that good health is equated to more senior sex. I don't care if they're healthy, I really don't want to see that.

Senator John McCain is abandoning his own bill that would increase regulations over diet supplements. So Obama really should try to improve his cholestorol FAST.

Carlos Slim Helu of Mexico is now the world’s richest man. See, not all Mexicans have minimum wage jobs.

A poll says that President Obama is more popular than Congress. This isn't that big of a deal. I mean come on, al-Qaida is more popular in Congress.

A poll says that President Obama is more popular than Congress. Apparently strippers and gay people were not allowed to vote.

Unemployment rose in thirty states in January. The other twenty didn't have jobs to start with.

Virginia has become the first state to ban mandatory health insurance. They were also the first US state on the Republican mortal enemy list.

The Obama Administration is considering helping airlines meet the cost of modernizing the air traffic control system. All the Obama Administration needs to do is buy two pillows and a blanket.

A college student in Florida has been charged with making a hoax weapon of mass destruction when he put fake dynamite on the seat of a Toyota. Heh, at this rate, a Toyota by itself is a weapon of mass destruction.

Charlie Sheen is out of rehab. He will likely be able to once again start taping his TV show Two and a Half Men. The twist is, though, that Charlie is the half man.

The Pittsburgh Steelers are offering a new version of the Terrible Towel to female fans. It will be used to dry their husbands' tears when the Steelers choke.

A federal appeals court in San Francisco upheld the use of the words "under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance and "In God We Trust" on U.S. currency. After all, who else to remove those words from daily life than the city farthest from him...

That's it, everybody! Definitely more tomorrow!