"Simpsonese"

Charlie Rangel is being tried by a jury of his peers for violating Congressional ethics. I have never heard of such a thing. Congressional ethics?

Actress/singer Jessica Simpson says she will be riding in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. In Simpsonese, that means "I'm having sex on a Thanksgiving float".

A Florida truck dealership is offering customers a free AK-47 with the purchase of a new vehicle. What could possibly go wrong?

Vikings owner Zygi Wilf says he is not considering firing coach Brad Childress. He will fire Childress when someone can correctly pronounce Zygi Wilf.

A new Japanese canned drink vending machine uses facial recognition technology to "recommend" drinks based on the customer's age and gender. I went to that vending machine, and I was recommended the dietary drink.

Scientists are proposing sending older people to colonize Mars on a one way mission where they would never come back. This is exactly what Brett Favre needs.

A Florida executive says she was fired for having “distracting” breasts. Doesn't that usually get you a promotion?

The U.S. says South American gangs are buying jets, filling them with cocaine and flying them to Europe to sell. The part of this that was least difficult for South Americans: finding pilots.

A study says teenagers who can’t see other people’s points of view will get better with age. This study was conducted by a bunch of old politicians.

Bill Clinton will have a part in the movie “The Hangover 2” which will film in Thailand. Apparently "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" turned into "I didn't git nun".

LeBron James is reportedly a finalist for Time’s “Person of the Year”. Who knew Miami Heat fans worked for Time?

A prank in Arizona resulted in a road sign warning people of zombies. I feel like Arizona thinks they are in a sci-fi movie. They are warning their citizens about zombies and aliens.

What do Barack Obama and Tiger Woods have in common? They are both incapable of pulling out.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"11000 Miles Per Gallon"

Joke of the Day: The Social Security Administration says that Isabella is now the most popular name for girls, with Jacob still the top pick for boys. The least popular names: Jon and Kate.

Jessica Simpson says she is convinced she “can find love anywhere”. I'm sure there are a lot of guys that would love to prove that.

Yahoo says 48% of iPad users also own an iPhone. The other 52% of people are called "not spoiled rotten".

French environmentalists have developed a car that gets 11,000 miles per gallon. They are calling it "a bicycle".

A British mannequin manufacturer is being criticized for making their dummies too thin. Who knew Americans went clothes shopping in Britain?

A survey says that Americans over the age of 45 are having less sex. Thank God. At least this gets that creepy image out of my mind.

“Girls Gone Wild” is going to become a reality show on the HDNet network. This sounds like it would have fit better on MTV.

A poll says that Americans are no less worried about health care costs even after the passing of Health Care Reform. This poll was taken entirely by Republicans.

A study says that the best way to keep weight off is to lose it fast. Duh.

Congress wants to investigate the stock market plunge of 1,000 points in just minutes. The crash drove stock values almost as low as Obama's approval rating.

That's all for now! More tomorrow!

"An Outdoor Worship Area"

Hello everybody! These are my jokes for today!

The Super Bowl is this Sunday. Super Bowl Sunday is the one day every year where people around the country say, "Shut up, the commercials are on".

An experimental abstinence-only program without a moralistic tone can delay teens from having sex, a provocative study found. It was a sex tape of John Edwards and his mistress.

The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation will donate $10 billion over the next decade to research new vaccines and bring them to the world's poorest countries. Yes, the world's poorest countries that don't really mind a vaccine that crashes.

Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow this morning, meaning that there will be six more weeks of winter. Phil will spend those six weeks trying to spell Punxsutawney.

Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow this morning. Most Americans know that means six weeks of winter, but Jessica Simpson thought that meant he forgot to shave.

An Oklahoma restaurant is giving discounts to people who are bald. This means that these people are more likely to find pieces of hair in their food.

The Air Force Academy has set aside an outdoor worship area for Pagans, Wiccans, Druids and other Earth-centered believers, school officials said Monday. The worshipers have asked that the area be moved to the woods.

Shocking news out of the military today, where the gays have asked that "Don't ask, don't tell" be changed to "Don't ask, but let's talk it out".

A study says that heart disease will kill 400,000 Americans this year. The people who don't fall under the 400,000 don't work at a fast food restaurant.

A new web site allows people to find out what others really think of them. The website: www.simoncowellevaluatesyou.com

CBS has rejected a Super Bowl ad from EA Video Games that tells people to "Go to hell". The commercial would have told you to go to hell, and right after that, the Saints come back on.

Well, that's it everybody! Thanks for reading and I hope you all enjoyed it!