Joe Paterno has been fired as head coach at Penn State. If anybody, he should be replaced by Chris Hansen.
The bed Michael Jackson died in will be up for auction. Children not included.
A poll says that sick people are more likely to be in debt from medical bills. The same poll says that if you eat at McDonald's frequently, you are more likely to be fat.
Travel experts say that people who travel around Christmas time should expect higher air fares and crowded planes. Oh, and you thought those blankets were expensive before.
A UK woman was cured of her fear of stairs through hypnotherapy. And by a friend of hers putting one million dollars at the top.
The porn industry has gotten the go ahead to have its own domain designation of “.xxx”. However, the first website to transfer to .xxx was Penn State's athletic website.
Steve Jobs has been nominated as Time’s Person of the Year. How is he going to accept the award?
A study says that women suffer quicker brain damage from alcohol abuse. This study is entitled "Lindsay Lohan".
Herman Cain recently said that he's "been through hell". Well gee, I hope he has a lady friend who can comfort him.
That's all I have for today! More coming later!
Showing posts with label Lindsay Lohan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lindsay Lohan. Show all posts
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Monday, October 31, 2011
"Nokia Lunia"
Pop singer Adele is undergoing throat surgery. I hope the gurney she goes on is well reinforced.
A police officer in Miami was arrested going 120 mph to get to a second job on time. Apparently his second job was a NASCAR driver.
An eruption on Uranus got the attention of astronomy scientists all over the world. The last time I heard about an eruption on Uranus, I had to call a plumber.
The name of the Nokia Lunia cell phone translates to “prostitute” in Spanish. However, this was a much better name than their previous phone, the Nokia Lohan.
A Pennsylvania boy died after smoking synthetic marijuana. He has asked that his casket be painted with a Doritos logo on top.
Two Domino's Pizza workers in Florida have been arrested for burning down a Papa John's. And you thought security guards took their job too seriously.
Two Japanese fishermen caught a bag that had nearly $150,000 in it. In other news, President Obama has announced a fishing trip.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A police officer in Miami was arrested going 120 mph to get to a second job on time. Apparently his second job was a NASCAR driver.
An eruption on Uranus got the attention of astronomy scientists all over the world. The last time I heard about an eruption on Uranus, I had to call a plumber.
The name of the Nokia Lunia cell phone translates to “prostitute” in Spanish. However, this was a much better name than their previous phone, the Nokia Lohan.
A Pennsylvania boy died after smoking synthetic marijuana. He has asked that his casket be painted with a Doritos logo on top.
Two Domino's Pizza workers in Florida have been arrested for burning down a Papa John's. And you thought security guards took their job too seriously.
Two Japanese fishermen caught a bag that had nearly $150,000 in it. In other news, President Obama has announced a fishing trip.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
"GPS Shoes"
President Obama is going to appear on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. However, due to major budget cuts at the White House, he will be appearing next week on the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson.
Lindsay Lohan fired her manager. Manager? How about her publicist?
Jamie Moyer, who turns 49 next month, says he hopes to pitch at least one more year. I'd be surprised if he's able to live one more year.
Coldplay was picked by Q Magazine as the best act in the world right now. In other news, Q Magazine has lost 93% of its subscribers.
A study says that the speech patterns of psychopaths give them away. Like when they say, "Winning!".
Smart phone sales are reportedly down for the first time ever. That's because everyone who used to buy them got into car accidents.
Steve Jobs said that Bill Gates was unimaginative and should have taken LSD. How is this guy still talking?
GPS shoes for Alzheimer’s patients will soon be available. We already have something to help Alzheimer's patients get around. It's called a personal assistant.
A study says that playing outdoors makes for better eyesight for children. How could they do this study? No children play outside anymore.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Lindsay Lohan fired her manager. Manager? How about her publicist?
Jamie Moyer, who turns 49 next month, says he hopes to pitch at least one more year. I'd be surprised if he's able to live one more year.
Coldplay was picked by Q Magazine as the best act in the world right now. In other news, Q Magazine has lost 93% of its subscribers.
A study says that the speech patterns of psychopaths give them away. Like when they say, "Winning!".
Smart phone sales are reportedly down for the first time ever. That's because everyone who used to buy them got into car accidents.
Steve Jobs said that Bill Gates was unimaginative and should have taken LSD. How is this guy still talking?
GPS shoes for Alzheimer’s patients will soon be available. We already have something to help Alzheimer's patients get around. It's called a personal assistant.
A study says that playing outdoors makes for better eyesight for children. How could they do this study? No children play outside anymore.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, July 23, 2011
"Spousal Support"
Singer Amy Winehouse has died at age 27. I'm guessing overdose.
An alleged Marilyn Monroe sex tape is being reported. If you thought that was weird, it was taped about a week ago.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is trying to avoid paying spousal support for Maria Shriver. Who knew the Governator was black? (I'm so sorry)
A judge told Lindsay Lohan to speed up with her community service. To which Lohan responded, "You had me at speed".
Jennifer Lopez reportedly almost left Marc Anthony in 2009 for an affair he had with a flight attendant. If you cheat on Jennifer Lopez, it's time to take a trip to the mental hospital.
34 New Jersey schools are being investigated for cheating on standardized tests. This explains how the cast of Jersey Shore graduated high school.
Blockbuster says it will keep 90% of its stores open. To which Borders says, "Yeah. Good luck with that one".
A report says that one out of four Americans say they have participated in binge drinking. The other three are of legal age to drink.
Justin Bieber says he is taking a month off so he can “grow up”. Dude, I think you're gonna need about ten years.
Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer says she is too poor to pay for a psychologist. The only thing poor about Lindsay Lohan is her acting.
The WHO says that going to the hospital is far riskier than flying. "You've gotta be kidding me," said September 11, 2001.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
An alleged Marilyn Monroe sex tape is being reported. If you thought that was weird, it was taped about a week ago.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is trying to avoid paying spousal support for Maria Shriver. Who knew the Governator was black? (I'm so sorry)
A judge told Lindsay Lohan to speed up with her community service. To which Lohan responded, "You had me at speed".
Jennifer Lopez reportedly almost left Marc Anthony in 2009 for an affair he had with a flight attendant. If you cheat on Jennifer Lopez, it's time to take a trip to the mental hospital.
34 New Jersey schools are being investigated for cheating on standardized tests. This explains how the cast of Jersey Shore graduated high school.
Blockbuster says it will keep 90% of its stores open. To which Borders says, "Yeah. Good luck with that one".
A report says that one out of four Americans say they have participated in binge drinking. The other three are of legal age to drink.
Justin Bieber says he is taking a month off so he can “grow up”. Dude, I think you're gonna need about ten years.
Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer says she is too poor to pay for a psychologist. The only thing poor about Lindsay Lohan is her acting.
The WHO says that going to the hospital is far riskier than flying. "You've gotta be kidding me," said September 11, 2001.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, May 14, 2011
"50 Pound Breast Implants"
A study says the memories of musicians are better than other people’s. Unless, of course, you are Christina Aguilera during the Super Bowl.
A U.S. dancer has revealed her 50 pound breast implants. Man, her back must be in serious pain right now.
In El Paso Tuesday, President Obama said the border with Mexico is more secure than ever. Isn't it kind of ironic that he said this in a city named El Paso?
Justin Bieber puked during his concert in the Philippines. This may be a cause of him listening to his own music.
Lindsay Lohan posed as a vampire for a photographic exhibit. The weird part: she didn't even need a costume.
STD rates have increased in Alaska. Looks like Levi Johnston has returned.
That's all I have for today! Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've had a shitload of HW. Anyway, more tomorrow!
A U.S. dancer has revealed her 50 pound breast implants. Man, her back must be in serious pain right now.
In El Paso Tuesday, President Obama said the border with Mexico is more secure than ever. Isn't it kind of ironic that he said this in a city named El Paso?
Justin Bieber puked during his concert in the Philippines. This may be a cause of him listening to his own music.
Lindsay Lohan posed as a vampire for a photographic exhibit. The weird part: she didn't even need a costume.
STD rates have increased in Alaska. Looks like Levi Johnston has returned.
That's all I have for today! Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've had a shitload of HW. Anyway, more tomorrow!
Friday, April 29, 2011
"Acting Classes"
I have been invited to the Royal Wedding. Unfortunately, I have to sit between Levi Johnston and Donald Trump's barber.
Apple says its long-awaited white iPhone 4 will go on sale today. I bought one, and I will always remember where I made my first call. Unfortunately, so will Apple.
Recently, Barack and Michelle Obama went to tape an appearance at the Oprah Winfrey show. When asked what it was like to be with the leader of the free world, Barack said that it was very exciting.
A 91-year-old San Diego woman is selling suicide kits online for $60. It consists of a picture of the woman, and a gun to shoot yourself with when you look at it.
A former Miss USA pageant winner says she felt "violated" during a TSA patdown. Well gosh, I wonder what would incline someone to want to violate a former Miss USA.
Libyan dictator Moammar Qaddafi says that he has increased sexual violence, and has even issued some of his troops Viagra. And if they don't obey his orders, they will have to deal with some stiff penalties.
Lindsay Lohan says she may teach acting classes at a homeless shelter for her community service. And you thought homeless people were miserable before.
A study says that steering wheels have more germs than a toilet seat. God, whose cars did they study?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Apple says its long-awaited white iPhone 4 will go on sale today. I bought one, and I will always remember where I made my first call. Unfortunately, so will Apple.
Recently, Barack and Michelle Obama went to tape an appearance at the Oprah Winfrey show. When asked what it was like to be with the leader of the free world, Barack said that it was very exciting.
A 91-year-old San Diego woman is selling suicide kits online for $60. It consists of a picture of the woman, and a gun to shoot yourself with when you look at it.
A former Miss USA pageant winner says she felt "violated" during a TSA patdown. Well gosh, I wonder what would incline someone to want to violate a former Miss USA.
Libyan dictator Moammar Qaddafi says that he has increased sexual violence, and has even issued some of his troops Viagra. And if they don't obey his orders, they will have to deal with some stiff penalties.
Lindsay Lohan says she may teach acting classes at a homeless shelter for her community service. And you thought homeless people were miserable before.
A study says that steering wheels have more germs than a toilet seat. God, whose cars did they study?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
"Johnny Jolly"
NATO says the conflict in Libya could last 90 days. 90 days of bombs; sounds like a movie marathon on Showtime.
“OMG” and “LOL” have been added to the Oxford English Dictionary. When I heard this news story, those two things were exactly what I said.
A plastic surgeon says he performed procedures on Moammar Qaddafi in 1996 because the dictator didn’t want to be seen by young people as an old man. Why couldn't they bring Qaddafi to the hospital and put him to sleep?
GE made a $5 Billion profit last year and paid no federal taxes. "That's preposterous," said GE CEO Wesley Snipes.
Lindsay Lohan will be dropping her last name to disassociate herself from her father and just go by “Lindsay”. I'm sure Michael feels the exact same way about Lindsay.
A study says that laughter and music may help lower a person’s blood pressure. In other words, listening to my jokes and my singing will kill you INSTANTLY.
Green Bay Packer Johnny Jolly was arrested with 600 grams of Codeine. In prison, he made a call to his estranged wife, Debbie Downer.
Researchers plan to drill the deepest hole ever in the Earth’s crust. Of course, this is the second deepest hole drilled in history, next to the Tommy Lee - Pamela Anderson sex tape.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
“OMG” and “LOL” have been added to the Oxford English Dictionary. When I heard this news story, those two things were exactly what I said.
A plastic surgeon says he performed procedures on Moammar Qaddafi in 1996 because the dictator didn’t want to be seen by young people as an old man. Why couldn't they bring Qaddafi to the hospital and put him to sleep?
GE made a $5 Billion profit last year and paid no federal taxes. "That's preposterous," said GE CEO Wesley Snipes.
Lindsay Lohan will be dropping her last name to disassociate herself from her father and just go by “Lindsay”. I'm sure Michael feels the exact same way about Lindsay.
A study says that laughter and music may help lower a person’s blood pressure. In other words, listening to my jokes and my singing will kill you INSTANTLY.
Green Bay Packer Johnny Jolly was arrested with 600 grams of Codeine. In prison, he made a call to his estranged wife, Debbie Downer.
Researchers plan to drill the deepest hole ever in the Earth’s crust. Of course, this is the second deepest hole drilled in history, next to the Tommy Lee - Pamela Anderson sex tape.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
"A Drunk Diet"
Today has been dubbed “Single-Tasking Day”. I read about it on my phone while driving.
Egypt wants to freeze the assets of ousted former Pres. Hosni Mubarak and his family. They not only want to freeze his assets, but they want to kick his ass.
Jesse James says he’ll write a tell-all memoir called “American Outlaw”. He can't do that. Lindsay Lohan already took that title.
In a recent Central Hockey League game, a Colorado Eagles coach, angry at a ref’s call, stripped off his clothes and threw them on the ice. Because if there's anything I want to do in a really cold atmosphere, it's to take all my clothes off.
An Egyptian man has named his daughter “Facebook” in honor of the role the site played in the recent government overthrow. If I feel sorry for anybody, it's the kid named Myspace who was born four years ago.
A survey says that 51% of women would give up sex for a full year in exchange for being thinner. The same study said that 0% of men would do the same thing.
Lady Gaga has endorsed a drunk diet that allows her to keep drinking and not gain weight. In a related story, Lindsay Lohan has been diagnosed with anorexia.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Egypt wants to freeze the assets of ousted former Pres. Hosni Mubarak and his family. They not only want to freeze his assets, but they want to kick his ass.
Jesse James says he’ll write a tell-all memoir called “American Outlaw”. He can't do that. Lindsay Lohan already took that title.
In a recent Central Hockey League game, a Colorado Eagles coach, angry at a ref’s call, stripped off his clothes and threw them on the ice. Because if there's anything I want to do in a really cold atmosphere, it's to take all my clothes off.
An Egyptian man has named his daughter “Facebook” in honor of the role the site played in the recent government overthrow. If I feel sorry for anybody, it's the kid named Myspace who was born four years ago.
A survey says that 51% of women would give up sex for a full year in exchange for being thinner. The same study said that 0% of men would do the same thing.
Lady Gaga has endorsed a drunk diet that allows her to keep drinking and not gain weight. In a related story, Lindsay Lohan has been diagnosed with anorexia.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, February 18, 2011
"Mubarak's Ouster"
On Libya’s “Day of Protest” Thursday, clashes broke out in several cities. Oh, sorry about the typo, I meant Egypt.
A male high school wrestler in Iowa defaulted in the state tournament rather than wrestle a girl; he feels the sport is too violent to wrestle girls. I guess that rules him out of being a Pittsburgh quarterback.
A British graphic designer created and is selling the royal wedding barf bag. Where was this during the Super Bowl halftime show?
The US gave Egypt $150 million in economic aid following Mubarak’s ouster. That's like Lindsay Lohan recommending a rehab facility for you.
The President of Uganda is going to release a rap album. (I'm gonna hate myself for this) Uganda regret this, dude.
The Kardashians made a reported $65 Million last year, making them Hollywood’s highest earners. And why do they feel the need to date wealthy sports stars?
66 year old rocker Rod Stewart has become a father for the eighth time. A Viagra to Rod Stewart is like a cup of coffee to a teenager. They are the keys to help them get up.
More than 100 people were arrested in Medicare fraud scheme. I think the thing that makes Medicare a fraud is the old fat guy that thinks "diabetes" is pronounced "diabeetus".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A male high school wrestler in Iowa defaulted in the state tournament rather than wrestle a girl; he feels the sport is too violent to wrestle girls. I guess that rules him out of being a Pittsburgh quarterback.
A British graphic designer created and is selling the royal wedding barf bag. Where was this during the Super Bowl halftime show?
The US gave Egypt $150 million in economic aid following Mubarak’s ouster. That's like Lindsay Lohan recommending a rehab facility for you.
The President of Uganda is going to release a rap album. (I'm gonna hate myself for this) Uganda regret this, dude.
The Kardashians made a reported $65 Million last year, making them Hollywood’s highest earners. And why do they feel the need to date wealthy sports stars?
66 year old rocker Rod Stewart has become a father for the eighth time. A Viagra to Rod Stewart is like a cup of coffee to a teenager. They are the keys to help them get up.
More than 100 people were arrested in Medicare fraud scheme. I think the thing that makes Medicare a fraud is the old fat guy that thinks "diabetes" is pronounced "diabeetus".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
"Free Condoms"
Barbie and Ken are reportedly back together. God, I haven't seen so much controversy regarding the relationship between two plastic douches since Heidi and Spencer.
McDonald's restaurants in Hong Kong are allowing couples to get married with "McWeddings". To the couples getting married at "McWeddings": Do you have any McClass?
New York City has a new app that helps cellphone users find a location distributing free condoms. Of course, Los Angeles has the exact same thing. It's called "a map to Charlie Sheen's house".
An Oregon man who videotaped his car’s speedometer hitting 140-mph was arrested and jailed. He was charged with going nowhere fast.
Maine lawmakers are about to name the whoopie pie as the state’s official treat. If that's the case, what is Maine's official cushion?
A new book says the 33 trapped Chilean miners considered suicide and cannibalism, then later demanded sex toys. They were not able to get the sex toys because, of course, they were miners.
Billy Ray Cyrus says he wishes the Disney show “Hannah Montana” had never been started. Billy, I feel your pain. We all feel that way.
Real estate mogul Donald Trump says he is interested in investing in the New York Mets. I thought he was known to make good investments.
An Illinois woman is being accused of updating her Facebook status while driving when she hit and killed a pedestrian. At the autopsy, the coroner wrote "It's complicated" right next to cause of death.
Two Senators are asking Major League Baseball to ban smokeless tobacco. Wouldn't chew think that would be a huge benefit?
O.J. Simpson was reportedly seriously beaten in prison. I guess "The Juice" got juiced.
Lindsay Lohan will read the Top Ten list on the Late Show with David Letterman. It's fairly likely that she will literally steal the show.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
McDonald's restaurants in Hong Kong are allowing couples to get married with "McWeddings". To the couples getting married at "McWeddings": Do you have any McClass?
New York City has a new app that helps cellphone users find a location distributing free condoms. Of course, Los Angeles has the exact same thing. It's called "a map to Charlie Sheen's house".
An Oregon man who videotaped his car’s speedometer hitting 140-mph was arrested and jailed. He was charged with going nowhere fast.
Maine lawmakers are about to name the whoopie pie as the state’s official treat. If that's the case, what is Maine's official cushion?
A new book says the 33 trapped Chilean miners considered suicide and cannibalism, then later demanded sex toys. They were not able to get the sex toys because, of course, they were miners.
Billy Ray Cyrus says he wishes the Disney show “Hannah Montana” had never been started. Billy, I feel your pain. We all feel that way.
Real estate mogul Donald Trump says he is interested in investing in the New York Mets. I thought he was known to make good investments.
An Illinois woman is being accused of updating her Facebook status while driving when she hit and killed a pedestrian. At the autopsy, the coroner wrote "It's complicated" right next to cause of death.
Two Senators are asking Major League Baseball to ban smokeless tobacco. Wouldn't chew think that would be a huge benefit?
O.J. Simpson was reportedly seriously beaten in prison. I guess "The Juice" got juiced.
Lindsay Lohan will read the Top Ten list on the Late Show with David Letterman. It's fairly likely that she will literally steal the show.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
"Bomb-Resistant Boxers"
A study says that alcohol abuse is responsible for 4% of the deaths world wide every year. It would really be ironic if someone gave a toast at that funeral.
Arnold Schwarzenegger says he plans to return to make movies. This is great news for both of his movie fans.
A poll says that 35% of Americans say the country’s most important problem is unemployment. The other 65% have a job.
The Department of Agriculture says the cost of raising a child is $286,000, not including college. And for me, that's just the cost of food.
Charlie Sheen talked to the UCLA baseball team and told them to “stay off crack and drink chocolate milk.” In Charlie Sheen language, that means "Don't do anal and have sex with a black chick".
Lindsay Lohan says she was not raised to lie, cheat or steal. If that's the case, her parents did one crappy job.
Moody’s has given Playboy’s corporate debt a B-2 rating. When Hugh Hefner heard the rating, he thought he got bingo.
Bomb resistant boxers are being manufactured by a New York company. Aren't those called "diapers".
Two horses collapsed and died under mysterious circumstances Saturday before a race. At least they didn't die a painful death. Their jockeys were going to be Oprah Winfrey and Kirstie Alley.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Arnold Schwarzenegger says he plans to return to make movies. This is great news for both of his movie fans.
A poll says that 35% of Americans say the country’s most important problem is unemployment. The other 65% have a job.
The Department of Agriculture says the cost of raising a child is $286,000, not including college. And for me, that's just the cost of food.
Charlie Sheen talked to the UCLA baseball team and told them to “stay off crack and drink chocolate milk.” In Charlie Sheen language, that means "Don't do anal and have sex with a black chick".
Lindsay Lohan says she was not raised to lie, cheat or steal. If that's the case, her parents did one crappy job.
Moody’s has given Playboy’s corporate debt a B-2 rating. When Hugh Hefner heard the rating, he thought he got bingo.
Bomb resistant boxers are being manufactured by a New York company. Aren't those called "diapers".
Two horses collapsed and died under mysterious circumstances Saturday before a race. At least they didn't die a painful death. Their jockeys were going to be Oprah Winfrey and Kirstie Alley.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, February 11, 2011
"Staying Single"
Today, Feb. 11, is National Satisfied Staying Single Day. Or, as I call that, Valentine's Day.
Egypt’s Pres. Mubarak handed much of his power to his vice president, Omar Suleiman. To Egyptians, this is a dream come true. To Americans, that would be straight up awful if that happened.
Donald Trump has hinted that he may run for president in 2012. And you thought Meg Whitman spent a shitload of money on her campaign.
Clay Matthews will be a presenter at the upcoming Grammy Awards. It's either that, or Lady Gaga will be wearing a Packers jersey. Not like anybody will be able to tell the difference.
A report says that Viagra prescriptions reach a high the week before Valentine’s Day. I wonder why...
Australian scientists have developed a “thinking cap” that reportedly makes people more creative by running an electrical current into their brain. When the device worked, the scientists were shocked.
Michael Jordan practiced with his Charlotte Bobcats and reportedly still looked good. In fact, the Cleveland Cavaliers are asking Michael Jordan to play for them.
A new procedure provides a way for people to hear with their nose. I wonder what it's like to tell that person a secret.
Lindsay Lohan says she would consider a plea deal over felony grand theft charges if it includes no prison time. She's a celebrity. She's not getting jail time either way.
Donald Trump says the U.S. has become a “laughing stock”. Hey Donald, I'm sure your hair had something to do with that.
Former “American Idol” finalist Justin Guarini will join the Broadway production of “American Idiot”. So he went from American Idol to American Idiot. Like Paula Abdul.
Janet Jackson says she felt ugly and unattractive when she was younger. But the ugliest woman in the family is still Michael.
The college professor who had a camera implanted in the back of his head has had it removed. When he said "I have eyes in the back of my head", he wasn't kidding.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Egypt’s Pres. Mubarak handed much of his power to his vice president, Omar Suleiman. To Egyptians, this is a dream come true. To Americans, that would be straight up awful if that happened.
Donald Trump has hinted that he may run for president in 2012. And you thought Meg Whitman spent a shitload of money on her campaign.
Clay Matthews will be a presenter at the upcoming Grammy Awards. It's either that, or Lady Gaga will be wearing a Packers jersey. Not like anybody will be able to tell the difference.
A report says that Viagra prescriptions reach a high the week before Valentine’s Day. I wonder why...
Australian scientists have developed a “thinking cap” that reportedly makes people more creative by running an electrical current into their brain. When the device worked, the scientists were shocked.
Michael Jordan practiced with his Charlotte Bobcats and reportedly still looked good. In fact, the Cleveland Cavaliers are asking Michael Jordan to play for them.
A new procedure provides a way for people to hear with their nose. I wonder what it's like to tell that person a secret.
Lindsay Lohan says she would consider a plea deal over felony grand theft charges if it includes no prison time. She's a celebrity. She's not getting jail time either way.
Donald Trump says the U.S. has become a “laughing stock”. Hey Donald, I'm sure your hair had something to do with that.
Former “American Idol” finalist Justin Guarini will join the Broadway production of “American Idiot”. So he went from American Idol to American Idiot. Like Paula Abdul.
Janet Jackson says she felt ugly and unattractive when she was younger. But the ugliest woman in the family is still Michael.
The college professor who had a camera implanted in the back of his head has had it removed. When he said "I have eyes in the back of my head", he wasn't kidding.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
"A Half Sister"
Glenn Beck recently called Keith Olbermann "the world's biggest pain in the ass". People who have met me will beg to differ.
Lance Armstrong is retiring from cycling. That bicycle seat must have crushed his ball too much.
A new study says that kids with better self-control will become more successful adults. Do you know what this means? Lindsay Lohan could have been on Supernanny.
President Obama's State of the Union Address is going to be given soon. However, I don't think it's going to be very good. It was written on Twitter by Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie.
Kazakhstan has extended its ban on antelope hunting until 2021. Oh deer!
Oprah Winfrey has discovered a half sister that she never knew she had. At least, that's what the half sister wants Oprah to think.
A Brooklyn man died after falling into a tortilla-mixing machine. The man's remains were described as bloodied, messed up, and quite delicious with some sour cream.
Fitness guru Jack LaLanne died at the age of 96. Pallbearers will carry the casket while stepping to this rhythm: AND ONE, AND TWO, AND ONE, AND TWO...
Herschel Walker is planning an NFL comeback at age 48. He lost a lot of skill, though. However, he could still be the starting runningback for the Carolina Panthers.
An Alabama law firm says that Taco Bell is guilty of false advertising when making claims about using “ground beef” in its products. That very same law firm says that Clay Aiken is guilty of being gay.
Chinese born pianist Lang Lang reportedly played music from an anti-American song at a performance at the White House. President Obama is furious, while Vice President Biden is laughing at the word "pianist".
Donald Rumsfeld’s memoirs are reportedly nearly 800 pages long. Of course, only three of those pages are worth reading.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Lance Armstrong is retiring from cycling. That bicycle seat must have crushed his ball too much.
A new study says that kids with better self-control will become more successful adults. Do you know what this means? Lindsay Lohan could have been on Supernanny.
President Obama's State of the Union Address is going to be given soon. However, I don't think it's going to be very good. It was written on Twitter by Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie.
Kazakhstan has extended its ban on antelope hunting until 2021. Oh deer!
Oprah Winfrey has discovered a half sister that she never knew she had. At least, that's what the half sister wants Oprah to think.
A Brooklyn man died after falling into a tortilla-mixing machine. The man's remains were described as bloodied, messed up, and quite delicious with some sour cream.
Fitness guru Jack LaLanne died at the age of 96. Pallbearers will carry the casket while stepping to this rhythm: AND ONE, AND TWO, AND ONE, AND TWO...
Herschel Walker is planning an NFL comeback at age 48. He lost a lot of skill, though. However, he could still be the starting runningback for the Carolina Panthers.
An Alabama law firm says that Taco Bell is guilty of false advertising when making claims about using “ground beef” in its products. That very same law firm says that Clay Aiken is guilty of being gay.
Chinese born pianist Lang Lang reportedly played music from an anti-American song at a performance at the White House. President Obama is furious, while Vice President Biden is laughing at the word "pianist".
Donald Rumsfeld’s memoirs are reportedly nearly 800 pages long. Of course, only three of those pages are worth reading.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
"A State Of Confusion"
CBS says they have a “high level of concern” about Charlie Sheen. We all do, CBS.
A study says that talk therapy may improve long term depression. That is, until you get the bill for your visit to the psychiatrist.
A New York man has been arrested for threatening to kill financial regulators. He was arrested for trying to become an American hero.
A study says that popular sleeping drugs can leave the user in a state of confusion while stumbling and falling. You know, like Lindsay Lohan during a sobriety test.
Arnold Schwarzenegger says his two terms as California Governor may have cost him as much as $200 Million. And those were just for his teleprompter fees.
The producer of “American Idol” says the new show will be “like nothing you’ve ever seen”. Does that mean that the people who make it to Hollywood will be worse than the terrible auditions?
A Memphis high school reports 86 pregnant teenagers. Even more crazy, that school has only 84 girls.
That's all I have for today! Definitely more tomorrow!
A study says that talk therapy may improve long term depression. That is, until you get the bill for your visit to the psychiatrist.
A New York man has been arrested for threatening to kill financial regulators. He was arrested for trying to become an American hero.
A study says that popular sleeping drugs can leave the user in a state of confusion while stumbling and falling. You know, like Lindsay Lohan during a sobriety test.
Arnold Schwarzenegger says his two terms as California Governor may have cost him as much as $200 Million. And those were just for his teleprompter fees.
The producer of “American Idol” says the new show will be “like nothing you’ve ever seen”. Does that mean that the people who make it to Hollywood will be worse than the terrible auditions?
A Memphis high school reports 86 pregnant teenagers. Even more crazy, that school has only 84 girls.
That's all I have for today! Definitely more tomorrow!
Friday, January 7, 2011
"The Season Premiere"
Elizabeth Edwards’ will does not mention her estranged husband, former presidential candidate John Edwards. However, she did mention that she wants John to have one thing of hers: her cancer.
The House spent its second day in session reading the Constitution aloud. Why was that necessary? Half the people in Congress were there when it was written.
During the reading of the Constitution, House members skipped the 18th Amendment, the prohibition of alcohol. However, when they read the 21st amendment that repealed it, Congress said, "It repealed what amendment?".
Researchers found a chemical signal in women’s tears that turns men off. The chemical signal is called "body fat".
On this date in 1927, the Harlem Globetrotters played their first game. Back in the early 1920's, the Harlem Globetrotters were white guys who happened to be really good at basketball. Nowadays, we call them Duke.
Khloé Kardashian has dyed her hair red. Yes, because it's her hair that sticks out and catches everybody's attention.
Yesterday was the season premiere of Jersey Shore. A new orange douche has arisen. Their name: John Boehner.
Dick Cheney is facing the possibility of needing a heart transplant. What? Dick Cheney had a heart in the first place?
A study says that bald men still have invisible hair. At least, that's what they want you to think.
Internet accessible ovens and washing machines will soon be available. This is perfect for the person that thinks a laptop is too inconvenient.
Tiger Woods was dropped from the cover of his own video golf game. Also dropped from the game: his mistresses as unlockable characters.
The obesity epidemic has spurred a demand for oversize caskets. Not only that, but the average number of pallbearers per funeral has doubled.
A study says that facial bones change as people age. Aren't those called "wrinkles".
The world’s most destructive beetle was discovered in Los Angeles. That's like being named the tallest of the Seven Dwarfs.
The golden voiced homeless man, Ted Williams, now has a job with the Cleveland Cavaliers. It would be really ironic if he got a job with the Boston Red Sox.
Democratic Representative Lynn Woolsey from California says the war in Afghanistan is an “epic failure, national embarrassment and moral blight”. You know, like Lindsay Lohan.
A strip club is about to open at DFW airport in Dallas. What? Is the TSA not enough?
That's all for right now! More later!
The House spent its second day in session reading the Constitution aloud. Why was that necessary? Half the people in Congress were there when it was written.
During the reading of the Constitution, House members skipped the 18th Amendment, the prohibition of alcohol. However, when they read the 21st amendment that repealed it, Congress said, "It repealed what amendment?".
Researchers found a chemical signal in women’s tears that turns men off. The chemical signal is called "body fat".
On this date in 1927, the Harlem Globetrotters played their first game. Back in the early 1920's, the Harlem Globetrotters were white guys who happened to be really good at basketball. Nowadays, we call them Duke.
Khloé Kardashian has dyed her hair red. Yes, because it's her hair that sticks out and catches everybody's attention.
Yesterday was the season premiere of Jersey Shore. A new orange douche has arisen. Their name: John Boehner.
Dick Cheney is facing the possibility of needing a heart transplant. What? Dick Cheney had a heart in the first place?
A study says that bald men still have invisible hair. At least, that's what they want you to think.
Internet accessible ovens and washing machines will soon be available. This is perfect for the person that thinks a laptop is too inconvenient.
Tiger Woods was dropped from the cover of his own video golf game. Also dropped from the game: his mistresses as unlockable characters.
The obesity epidemic has spurred a demand for oversize caskets. Not only that, but the average number of pallbearers per funeral has doubled.
A study says that facial bones change as people age. Aren't those called "wrinkles".
The world’s most destructive beetle was discovered in Los Angeles. That's like being named the tallest of the Seven Dwarfs.
The golden voiced homeless man, Ted Williams, now has a job with the Cleveland Cavaliers. It would be really ironic if he got a job with the Boston Red Sox.
Democratic Representative Lynn Woolsey from California says the war in Afghanistan is an “epic failure, national embarrassment and moral blight”. You know, like Lindsay Lohan.
A strip club is about to open at DFW airport in Dallas. What? Is the TSA not enough?
That's all for right now! More later!
Monday, January 3, 2011
"A Muslim Version"
CNN’s Anderson Cooper admits he took two Valium before interviewing Kathy Griffin for a New Year’s Eve special. He also admitted that he took two Viagra before interviewing Sarah Palin.
The sun shone brightly on the Rose Parade on New Year’s Day in Pasadena. Unless you are a fan of the Wisconsin Badgers.
Katie Couric says we need a Muslim version of “The Cosby Show”. And you think Joe Biden doesn't make any sense.
Iran says it has shot down two western unmanned drones. If you don't know what unmanned drones are, they are NBA stars playing against the Clippers.
The Navy is investigating whether an aircraft carrier’s executive officer broadcast lewd videos throughout the ship’s closed-circuit TV system. Since they were lewd videos, I'm not sure they were broadcast on a "closed" circuit system.
Actress Lindsay Lohan quoted Gandhi in her latest message on Twitter. She's obviously still drunk out of her mind.
Paula Abdul recently said that she's never been drunk in her life. Good luck finding someone who agrees with her.
China’s online population has increased to 450 Million people. In a related story, their child labor factories have shut down due to lack of work.
A Chinese government worker has been executed after taking $4.5 million in bribes. Or, as the US calls it, an amateur.
The surge in oil prices is paving the way for $4 a gallon gasoline. Or, as oil companies call them, "The good ol' days".
A new book claims it costs people $6,454 to be obese each year. It's sad that many Americans are willing to pay that much.
A study says that alcohol craving is linked to obesity. Isn't that link called a bar?
A New Jersey woman was arrested after setting her boyfriend on fire on New Year’s Eve. That's a hard title to get. I mean, the most orange person in New Jersey?
That's all for right now! More later!
The sun shone brightly on the Rose Parade on New Year’s Day in Pasadena. Unless you are a fan of the Wisconsin Badgers.
Katie Couric says we need a Muslim version of “The Cosby Show”. And you think Joe Biden doesn't make any sense.
Iran says it has shot down two western unmanned drones. If you don't know what unmanned drones are, they are NBA stars playing against the Clippers.
The Navy is investigating whether an aircraft carrier’s executive officer broadcast lewd videos throughout the ship’s closed-circuit TV system. Since they were lewd videos, I'm not sure they were broadcast on a "closed" circuit system.
Actress Lindsay Lohan quoted Gandhi in her latest message on Twitter. She's obviously still drunk out of her mind.
Paula Abdul recently said that she's never been drunk in her life. Good luck finding someone who agrees with her.
China’s online population has increased to 450 Million people. In a related story, their child labor factories have shut down due to lack of work.
A Chinese government worker has been executed after taking $4.5 million in bribes. Or, as the US calls it, an amateur.
The surge in oil prices is paving the way for $4 a gallon gasoline. Or, as oil companies call them, "The good ol' days".
A new book claims it costs people $6,454 to be obese each year. It's sad that many Americans are willing to pay that much.
A study says that alcohol craving is linked to obesity. Isn't that link called a bar?
A New Jersey woman was arrested after setting her boyfriend on fire on New Year’s Eve. That's a hard title to get. I mean, the most orange person in New Jersey?
That's all for right now! More later!
Friday, December 31, 2010
"They Will Kiss At Midnight"
Nearly 500,000 people will cram themselves into Times Square on New Year’s Eve. It will be more crowded than NYC's unemployment lines.
Snooki will be dropped inside a ball on New Year’s Eve, but in New Jersey and not in NYC. And you thought the air in New Jersey couldn't get any worse.
Lindsay Lohan is due to leave rehab next Tuesday. She will then return on Thursday.
Octomom can avoid being evicted from her southern California home if the mortgage is sold to the founder of a porn film company. Gosh, the two people most well known for making babies will have lived in the same house.
Florida conservationists say the way to repair the overabundance of invading lionfish is to eat them. Don't get any ideas, China.
China has shut down 60,000 porn sites in a censorship crackdown. Who knew anyone could get sick of Asian porn?
A study says that most people’s New Year resolutions only last a week. Isn't that called a relapse?
CNN had its worst Prime Time ratings since 1996. They were so bad that they considered giving Jay Leno the 10PM time slot.
The U.S. has approved a testosterone gel for men with low hormone levels. They were so successful that Justin Bieber's voice started getting deeper.
BP is readying beaches in time for Spring Break. I'm sure most Americans are tired of hearing "BP" and "Break" in the same sentence.
Ben Roethlisberger won the “Chief Award” from the Pittsburgh media for his cooperation. If any normal person rapes someone but cooperates, they get decades in prison. But if Roethlisberger does the same, he gets an NFL contract and an award.
Doesn't IHOP sound like a SmartPhone app for people with one leg?
Facebook has passed Google as the most popular Internet site. The least popular Internet site: my blog.
Ryan Seacrest and his New Year’s co-host Jenny McCarthy say they will kiss at midnight. When asked what it will be like to kiss a beautiful woman, McCarthy said she isn't sure yet.
Army beat SMU for their first Bowl win in 25 years. Since Army won, they will have to face an opponent they have never beaten: The University of Iraq.
That's it for 2010! It has been an extremely memorable year for me! I was on iPhunny, the New York Times blog, I met Leno, Ferguson (indirectly), I was a regular comic on Dailycomedy, and I performed my first stand-up show! Ah, the memories. In fact, today is the one year anniversary of the beginning of my blog. I'm gonna miss everything about 2010!
Snooki will be dropped inside a ball on New Year’s Eve, but in New Jersey and not in NYC. And you thought the air in New Jersey couldn't get any worse.
Lindsay Lohan is due to leave rehab next Tuesday. She will then return on Thursday.
Octomom can avoid being evicted from her southern California home if the mortgage is sold to the founder of a porn film company. Gosh, the two people most well known for making babies will have lived in the same house.
Florida conservationists say the way to repair the overabundance of invading lionfish is to eat them. Don't get any ideas, China.
China has shut down 60,000 porn sites in a censorship crackdown. Who knew anyone could get sick of Asian porn?
A study says that most people’s New Year resolutions only last a week. Isn't that called a relapse?
CNN had its worst Prime Time ratings since 1996. They were so bad that they considered giving Jay Leno the 10PM time slot.
The U.S. has approved a testosterone gel for men with low hormone levels. They were so successful that Justin Bieber's voice started getting deeper.
BP is readying beaches in time for Spring Break. I'm sure most Americans are tired of hearing "BP" and "Break" in the same sentence.
Ben Roethlisberger won the “Chief Award” from the Pittsburgh media for his cooperation. If any normal person rapes someone but cooperates, they get decades in prison. But if Roethlisberger does the same, he gets an NFL contract and an award.
Doesn't IHOP sound like a SmartPhone app for people with one leg?
Facebook has passed Google as the most popular Internet site. The least popular Internet site: my blog.
Ryan Seacrest and his New Year’s co-host Jenny McCarthy say they will kiss at midnight. When asked what it will be like to kiss a beautiful woman, McCarthy said she isn't sure yet.
Army beat SMU for their first Bowl win in 25 years. Since Army won, they will have to face an opponent they have never beaten: The University of Iraq.
That's it for 2010! It has been an extremely memorable year for me! I was on iPhunny, the New York Times blog, I met Leno, Ferguson (indirectly), I was a regular comic on Dailycomedy, and I performed my first stand-up show! Ah, the memories. In fact, today is the one year anniversary of the beginning of my blog. I'm gonna miss everything about 2010!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
"A Pink Wig"
Today, November 2nd, is "Day of the Dead". Today is a day that we celebrate the playoff hopes of the Dallas Cowboys.
At this year’s Miami Book Fair International, the featured country is Mexico. This came as a shock to all the Cubans living in Miami.
Brazil elected its first woman president. The next closest Brazilian woman to be their president: Ronaldo.
Rapper Lil Wayne is the second recording artist to release a No. 1 album while serving a sentence. If only Lil Wayne knew what the other kind of sentence is.
A new British study says alcohol is more dangerous than heroin, crack, marijuana and ecstasy. Let's be fair. Lindsay Lohan has overdosed on all these and she's still alive.
One of the now-famous Chilean miners will run in the New York City Marathon. Expect him to be interviewed by Oprah within the next week.
A survey says 75% of Americans feel things are going badly, the highest number since the mid 70s. The other 25% have been medically diagnosed as "crazy".
A survey says that 52% of Americans say the economy is the most important issue. The other 48% of people are stoners living in California.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez says that golf courses should be destroyed and used for other purposes. Expect this to be in an attack ad by tonight.
Randy Quaid and his wife Evi say they are on the run from “Star whackers” who are out to get them. They are perfectly safe. Neither one of them are stars.
China is holding the world’s largest census which will cover ten days to count all the people who live there. I saw the census. The box for number of children:
0 - [ ]
1 - [ ]
2+ - [ ]
If you answered "2+": What would you like to happen to you (you must choose at least one):
Die - [ ]
Die - [ ]
Die - [ ]
The owner of the National Enquirer is filing for bankruptcy. This is a sad ending for both people that still believe what they write.
A study says people are what they watch. This is terrible news for people who watch Jerry Springer.
A transsexual wearing a pink wig and a dress won Britain's national Scrabble championship. Congratulations, Lady Gaga.
The British big-and-tall retailer High & Mighty has introduced a size XXXXL suit for men with a 64-inch chest and 60-inch waist. In fact, they give customers a basketball court for a dressing room.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
At this year’s Miami Book Fair International, the featured country is Mexico. This came as a shock to all the Cubans living in Miami.
Brazil elected its first woman president. The next closest Brazilian woman to be their president: Ronaldo.
Rapper Lil Wayne is the second recording artist to release a No. 1 album while serving a sentence. If only Lil Wayne knew what the other kind of sentence is.
A new British study says alcohol is more dangerous than heroin, crack, marijuana and ecstasy. Let's be fair. Lindsay Lohan has overdosed on all these and she's still alive.
One of the now-famous Chilean miners will run in the New York City Marathon. Expect him to be interviewed by Oprah within the next week.
A survey says 75% of Americans feel things are going badly, the highest number since the mid 70s. The other 25% have been medically diagnosed as "crazy".
A survey says that 52% of Americans say the economy is the most important issue. The other 48% of people are stoners living in California.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez says that golf courses should be destroyed and used for other purposes. Expect this to be in an attack ad by tonight.
Randy Quaid and his wife Evi say they are on the run from “Star whackers” who are out to get them. They are perfectly safe. Neither one of them are stars.
China is holding the world’s largest census which will cover ten days to count all the people who live there. I saw the census. The box for number of children:
0 - [ ]
1 - [ ]
2+ - [ ]
If you answered "2+": What would you like to happen to you (you must choose at least one):
Die - [ ]
Die - [ ]
Die - [ ]
The owner of the National Enquirer is filing for bankruptcy. This is a sad ending for both people that still believe what they write.
A study says people are what they watch. This is terrible news for people who watch Jerry Springer.
A transsexual wearing a pink wig and a dress won Britain's national Scrabble championship. Congratulations, Lady Gaga.
The British big-and-tall retailer High & Mighty has introduced a size XXXXL suit for men with a 64-inch chest and 60-inch waist. In fact, they give customers a basketball court for a dressing room.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
"Wine Grape Crop"
US Marshals will auction off some of Bernie Madoff’s personal items, including his velveteen slippers with the “BLM” embroidery. That's weird; I didn't know snakes wore shoes period.
In France, a woman woke up after being declared “clinically dead”. Isn't that called "a coma"?
Magic Johnson sold his 105 Starbucks locations back to the company for about $100 million. He can finally afford a cup of Starbucks coffee.
In Peru, a soccer team claims its opponent snuck a depressant drug into their water bottles. In fact, the water made the Peru soccer team as depressed as the average Detroit Lions fan.
The U.K. is reportedly going to cut 500,000 government jobs over the next few years in a plan to cut spending by $131 Billion. The U.S. has responded, "What does it mean when you cut spending?".
A report says the California marijuana crop is worth $14 Billion, which is more than the wine grape crop value of $2 Billion. In a related story, the car that Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan share has been valued at $16 Billion.
A New Jersey toll worker made an annual salary of $321,000 after bonuses and payouts. Most of that money came from people who wanted to leave New Jersey.
A prosecutor in Detroit is proposing that parents who do not attend at least one parent-teacher conference during the year will serve jail time. Or at least a time out.
A Belgian skydiver was convicted of tampering with a romantic rival's parachute which resulted in the rival's death. As a result, the skydiver's career will hit the ground harder than his opponent.
The Federal Reserve says the U.S. economy is expanding at a "modest pace". Prove it.
The Federal Reserve is planning to buy $500 Billion in U.S. debt. Considering our crappy economy, where do they get the money?
A survey says that one in six students reports being bullied. The other five are at least five feet tall.
An eleven year old teenager in Nebraska was kicked off her cheerleading squad for refusing to "shake her booty" in a routine. The question is, what coach would actually force an eleven year old to shake their booty?
A study says a child’s waist size can indicate their future health risks. Experts have just discovered this? Really?
Starbucks is introducing their own digital network that will greet customers as they connect with their Wi-Fi system. This system is called the "We-Are-Too-Lazy-To-Actually-Greet-You-In-Person-omatic 5000".
NPR fired longtime analyst Juan Williams after he said on Fox News that, when he is on a plane with Muslims, “I get nervous". Aren't these the same people that were attacking President Obama for potentially being a Muslim?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
In France, a woman woke up after being declared “clinically dead”. Isn't that called "a coma"?
Magic Johnson sold his 105 Starbucks locations back to the company for about $100 million. He can finally afford a cup of Starbucks coffee.
In Peru, a soccer team claims its opponent snuck a depressant drug into their water bottles. In fact, the water made the Peru soccer team as depressed as the average Detroit Lions fan.
The U.K. is reportedly going to cut 500,000 government jobs over the next few years in a plan to cut spending by $131 Billion. The U.S. has responded, "What does it mean when you cut spending?".
A report says the California marijuana crop is worth $14 Billion, which is more than the wine grape crop value of $2 Billion. In a related story, the car that Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan share has been valued at $16 Billion.
A New Jersey toll worker made an annual salary of $321,000 after bonuses and payouts. Most of that money came from people who wanted to leave New Jersey.
A prosecutor in Detroit is proposing that parents who do not attend at least one parent-teacher conference during the year will serve jail time. Or at least a time out.
A Belgian skydiver was convicted of tampering with a romantic rival's parachute which resulted in the rival's death. As a result, the skydiver's career will hit the ground harder than his opponent.
The Federal Reserve says the U.S. economy is expanding at a "modest pace". Prove it.
The Federal Reserve is planning to buy $500 Billion in U.S. debt. Considering our crappy economy, where do they get the money?
A survey says that one in six students reports being bullied. The other five are at least five feet tall.
An eleven year old teenager in Nebraska was kicked off her cheerleading squad for refusing to "shake her booty" in a routine. The question is, what coach would actually force an eleven year old to shake their booty?
A study says a child’s waist size can indicate their future health risks. Experts have just discovered this? Really?
Starbucks is introducing their own digital network that will greet customers as they connect with their Wi-Fi system. This system is called the "We-Are-Too-Lazy-To-Actually-Greet-You-In-Person-omatic 5000".
NPR fired longtime analyst Juan Williams after he said on Fox News that, when he is on a plane with Muslims, “I get nervous". Aren't these the same people that were attacking President Obama for potentially being a Muslim?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
"A Group Of Stars"
Someone fired shots at the Pentagon. To which Al-Qaeda said, "Amateurs".
In New York, one gubernatorial candidate represents the Rent Is Too Damn High Party. The only political party more ridiculous: Republican.
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner vows the U.S. won’t devalue the dollar. Because everybody knows you can't devalue something that didn't have value in the first place.
Bill Clinton is asking Democrats to not vote angry. He says making decisions when mad can result in mistakes. To which Charlie Sheen says, "Ain't that the truth".
Pete Rose has apologized again for his gambling while in baseball in an interview with the AP. To which MLB commissioner Bud Selig said, "Nice try".
A survey says that 70% of Americans think the country’s power is fading. The other 30% have been put under the "Don't-know-what-the-hell-they're-talking-about" category.
Scientists studying college students have identified a gene that allows people who have it to get drunk more easily. I believe that gene is called "college student".
Lindsay Lohan’s attorneys are “expecting the worst” at her upcoming court appearance. What's new?
A study says that teen binge drinking is being linked to attention problems. Especially while the kids are drunk.
A study says that 6.1 Trillion text messages will be sent this year. Dozens of those texts will not be sent from behind the wheel.
The NBA has banned shoes that supposedly help a player go more vertical. They are called "Air Jordans".
Archaeologists in the Swiss city of Zurich have uncovered a 5,000-year-old door that may be one of the oldest ever found in Europe. It was actually built for the closet that George Michael came out of.
A British woman used 9,852 slices of bread to turn a photo of her mother-in-law into the world's largest toast mosaic. However, the only place she put the yellow butter: the teeth.
Astronomers using the Hubble telescope think they’ve found the world’s oldest galaxy – a group of stars that’s 13.1 billion years old. Kind of like the set of "The View".
FINALLY FROM COMEDIAN PAUL SEABURN
In a speech at the University of Texas-Tyler, former President George W. Bush said he read 12 biographies of President Lincoln while in office. He kept hoping to find one with a better ending.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
In New York, one gubernatorial candidate represents the Rent Is Too Damn High Party. The only political party more ridiculous: Republican.
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner vows the U.S. won’t devalue the dollar. Because everybody knows you can't devalue something that didn't have value in the first place.
Bill Clinton is asking Democrats to not vote angry. He says making decisions when mad can result in mistakes. To which Charlie Sheen says, "Ain't that the truth".
Pete Rose has apologized again for his gambling while in baseball in an interview with the AP. To which MLB commissioner Bud Selig said, "Nice try".
A survey says that 70% of Americans think the country’s power is fading. The other 30% have been put under the "Don't-know-what-the-hell-they're-talking-about" category.
Scientists studying college students have identified a gene that allows people who have it to get drunk more easily. I believe that gene is called "college student".
Lindsay Lohan’s attorneys are “expecting the worst” at her upcoming court appearance. What's new?
A study says that teen binge drinking is being linked to attention problems. Especially while the kids are drunk.
A study says that 6.1 Trillion text messages will be sent this year. Dozens of those texts will not be sent from behind the wheel.
The NBA has banned shoes that supposedly help a player go more vertical. They are called "Air Jordans".
Archaeologists in the Swiss city of Zurich have uncovered a 5,000-year-old door that may be one of the oldest ever found in Europe. It was actually built for the closet that George Michael came out of.
A British woman used 9,852 slices of bread to turn a photo of her mother-in-law into the world's largest toast mosaic. However, the only place she put the yellow butter: the teeth.
Astronomers using the Hubble telescope think they’ve found the world’s oldest galaxy – a group of stars that’s 13.1 billion years old. Kind of like the set of "The View".
FINALLY FROM COMEDIAN PAUL SEABURN
In a speech at the University of Texas-Tyler, former President George W. Bush said he read 12 biographies of President Lincoln while in office. He kept hoping to find one with a better ending.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
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