"Get That Camera Out Of My Face"

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

Ariel Castro was sentenced to life plus 1,000 years in prison. To put that in perspective, that's approximately three Phish songs.

The Royal Baby has been named George Alexander Louis. So the baby was born in 2013, but it was named in 1885.

Michele Bachmann mistakenly received a vibrator in the mail. She described it as "Disgusting, foul, and it smells suspiciously like Marcus."

A Thai college made a banner where Hitler was next to Superman. It got worse when Mel Gibson U made a banner saying "What's the difference?"

A Netherlands woman says she has unwanted orgasms that start in her foot. Rex Ryan now has this woman on speed dial.

There is a Paula Deen themed cruise. I'm not saying it caught on with her racism but the ship takes off from the West coast of Africa.

A report says sibling bullying leads to depression, anger and anxiety. At least that's what my faggot piece of shit little brother told me.

That's all I have for right now! Sorry for this short list of jokes, but I want to come up with good ones occasionally instead of shitty ones with occasional good ones every day (who wouldn't). But if you're reading this, thanks a lot, and go and find some better jokes to make these ones look super shitty (this shouldn't be difficult).

"Banana Republic"

An Australian mint has made a one ton gold coin worth $50 Million. I haven't seen something that heavy and valuable since Kirstie Alley.

A study says that people who are lonely don’t sleep well and tend to toss and turn. Apparently I was the only person that scientists studied.

A woman says that Justin Bieber is the father of her baby. That's preposterous. Last time I checked, fathers are males.

A study says that exercise can overpower the “obesity gene”. This amazing phenomenon is known as a "diet".

Kim Kardashian says that Kris Humphries’ parents hated her. That makes it unanimous.

Michele Bachmann says that America is becoming a "banana republic". Okay, so we may be screwed up as a country, but at least we're in style.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Straw Poll"

The White House says it will start saving us all money by purchasing things in bulk. It looks like Costco has a new shopper!

A Republican member of congress says the Obama tax increases would make him unable to feed his family on a $400k budget. Where does this guy eat? At a baseball stadium?

Nigeria's government is telling people to ignore rumors that a phone call from a certain number will kill the person taking the call. This is what Americans call "a chain letter".

Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul has won California's straw poll. And by "straw poll", I mean the candidate that sucks the most.

Moammar Qaddafi says his regime is still alive in Libya. I'd compare his regime to the playoff chances of the Cincinnati Bengals.

Touring a meat processing plant in Iowa, Michele Bachmann was photographed among hanging beef. I wonder if touring a place with a lot of meat was Marcus' idea.

A kindergartner in Missouri brought a bag of crystal meth and a crack pipe to school for show and tell. I know what you all are thinking: Mom of the Year!

Starbucks is being sued after a hidden video camera was found in one of the unisex bathrooms. They said they are going to take about three weeks to look at the evidence.

Gisele Bundchen, supermodel wife of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, was stopped for speeding in Massachusetts and given only a verbal warning. As to where she was going, I would rule out any place with food.

Paula Abdul says that Simon Cowell has been her “best teacher”. I didn't know Simon Cowell knew how to swallow ten pills at once.

Casey Anthony says that she has "a lot of regrets". Let's hope killing her daughter is one of them.

A woman with a large Afro had her hair searched for bombs at an Atlanta airport. Even worse, the Afro wasn't on her head.

That's all I have for today! I'm so sorry for that last joke. Anyway, more tomorrow!

"Bad Mothering"

Five million people on the East Coast were without power following Hurricane Irene. Actually, five million and nine, if you count the New York Mets.

Jailed polygamist Warren Jeffs is in a coma due to dehydration following a multiple-day fast. Coma? If I were a doctor, I would put that douchebag to sleep.

Presidential candidate Michelle Bachmann says the east coast earthquake and hurricane were a message to Washington, D.C. from God. The message: They will soon be without power, like the rest of people on the east coast.

Two grown children in Chicago are suing their mom for “bad mothering”. It didn't help the mom's case when she appeared in court and said, "I have kids?".

Two Pennsylvania men were arrested for floating down a street in a raft during hurricane flooding and were charged with a lack of common sense. In an unrelated story, President Bush was seen in the electric chair.

A Cuban man is calling his 12 fingers a “blessing”. What's so great about not having a middle finger?

Justin Bieber was involved in a car crash. Unfortunately, he is going to be okay.

That's all I have for today! Well, my computer screen cracked, and these jokes are coming to you from my dorm's computer lab. FML. Anyway, more tomorrow!

"Absolutely Good"

NBC is scaling back on its planned coverage of the Royal wedding because they feel Prince William and Kate Middleton are “too boring”. Remember, this network has Leno hosting The Tonight Show.

“Jackass” star Johnny Knoxville is going to be a father for the third time. It's amazing how he can have kids, considering the fact that he's known for getting hit in the nuts all the time.

Gary Busey says that Donald Trump would be an "absolutely good" President. In response, Trump said, "No thanks, Gary".

A study says that surgeons are prone to more errors after a night of drinking. In a related story, the sun is hot.

There was an error on a postage stamp that put the Statue of Liberty right next to Las Vegas. In response, Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann said, "So"?

That's all I have for today! Sorry about the limited supply, but I'll definitely have more tomorrow!