"Driving With A Cold"

Mitt Romney compared President Obama's promises to Kim Kardashian's wedding vows. I agree. They involved a black guy that nobody likes anymore.

Vint Cerf, who is considered by many to be the Father of the Internet says web access isn’t a human right. If he said this five years ago, we would have never heard of Justin Bieber.

Clay Aiken says after working with both, he respects Donald Trump more than Simon Cowell. Seriously? I respect Donald Duck more than I respect Simon Cowell.

A study says that men and women have large differences in their personalities, with men being more dominant and women being more sensitive. This study was conducted by scientists reading previous studies.

Jenny McCarthy says that “Dancing With The Stars” needs some A-List celebrities. And if anybody knows what an A-list celebrity is, it's Jenny McCarthy.

Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren demolished a $12 Million mansion in Florida in order to rebuild on the property. Then someone told her that the mansion was not Tiger's car.

A study says that driving with a cold or the flu is as dangerous as being drunk. Especially when you have to look through the snot on your phone to send a text message.

A “matured” Snooki says she has cut back on her drinking. Like I need to just "cut back" on my eating.

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!

"A Black Eye"

Actor Hugh Jackman got a black eye while doing a stunt on the Oprah Show taping in Australia. In fact, Oprah was feeling generous that day, so she gave everyone in the audience a black eye.

Media mogul Ted Turner says he’s “almost to the edge of poverty”. Gosh, give one red-haired crazy guy a show on your network and this happens.

The wife of Cliff Lee, who just signed a big contract with the Phillies, said she was insulted by rude Yankees fans while in New York. If she didn't know Yankees fans were rude, she must be from another planet.

The game show “Jeopardy” will pit two human contestants against an IBM computer. You know how to beat that computer? Forget to program the words "what is" into the computer.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time Magazine's Person of the Year. To which Zuckerberg said, "Umm... Like!".

Elin Nordegren reportedly has a new boyfriend. Fortunately for the new boyfriend, he doesn't golf.

Cincinnati Bengals WR Terrell Owens is blaming the coaches for their 2-11 start. Here's my question: are the coaches the ones on the field?

The Minnesota Vikings are hoping that Brett Favre can return this season. So are all of his opponents.

Chicago Cubs legend Ron Santo has died at the age of 70. "Chicago Cubs legend" is one of those ironies, like "Charlie Sheen's sobriety".

Larry King is in his final week of his show at CNN. That's what his viewers have been thinking for years.

There's a new iPhone app that helps report “suspicious behavior”. It's called "Your Internet History".

French authorities have seized 354 fake Faberge eggs. They knew the eggs were fake when they didn't have any salmonella.

A global study says that money doesn't buy happiness. Try telling that to the people on MTV Cribs.

Less education and income is linked with obesity in women and not men. Also linked with less educaation and income: an appearance on COPS.

A study says that wearing ugly underwear can ruin a woman's day. Especially when they meet men.

A study says that lack of sleep can hurt a person's looks. You know what that means? I haven't had a wink of sleep in months.

That's all for right now! More later!

"A Canister of TNT"

Joke of the Day: A 17-year-old Utah boy mowing the lawn at his home in Hooper ran into a canister of TNT that may date back as far as World War II. The first people on the scene were the boy's dad and five moms.

April’s Consumer Confidence Index rose to its highest level since September, 2008. Which means Walmart didn't have as many shoppers as usual.

A brawl broke out in the Ukraine parliament after approving a treaty with Russia. Well that was a good treaty, wasn't it?

The Mexican government issued a warning that its citizens should be cautious if visiting Arizona. Yeah, they're "just visiting".

In Lincoln, Nebraska, a man concealed his face by wrapping his head in toilet paper before robbing a convenience store. Even more gross, it was from the convenience store restroom.

Police in Indonesia’s Papua are barred from having penis enlargement surgery. I guess they are following up that law that restricts officers from having more than one gun in their pocket.

A 10-year-old girl survived a sting from the world’s most venomous creature. Wait, I didn't know Heidi Montag was a cannibal.

Authorities said an 8-year-old boy grabbed control a pickup and brought it safely to a stop after his grandmother had a seizure while driving on a western Colorado interstate. The grandmother is now very relieved. She is thankful that she didn't have a Toyota.

Sandra Bullock has filed for divorce from her husband, Jesse James, and is adopting a baby boy as a single parent. To which Elin Nordegren said, "You can do that?".

A poll says more Americans are connecting with the government online. The same poll also said that more Americans chat with our government officials through porn sites.

The Icelandic volcano ash cloud cost European airlines more than $3 Billion in delays and cancellations. It's the happiest anyone has been with airline service in years.

The rights to the “Peanuts” comic strip have been sold for $175 Million. To which the buyer's wife said, "You forgot the Cracker Jacks".

Atlanta Braves Manager Bobby Cox says that the Cardinals’ Albert Pujols should be paid $50 Million a year. I disagree. Don't the Yankees already have a really good first baseman?

“60 Minutes” will air an interview with former “Tonight Show” host Conan O’Brien on Sunday. O'Brien and Andy Rooney will reportedly fight over who is more annoying.

A military hypersonic glider failed in a test flight. The glider was launched from a rocket to come back to earth at 13,000 mph to splash in the ocean. After the glider failed the test, military officials fired Toyota.

FINALLY FROM FRIEND AND COMEDY WRITER JERRY PERISHO
A brawl broke out in the Ukraine parliament after approving a treaty with Russia. These rarely turn into food fights; the last time I checked, you need food for a food fight.

That's all for now. More upcoming!