Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are divorcing. When I heard the news, I jumped up and down on a couch in excitement.
Adele is pregnant. She will be the only mom whose lullabies will make a crying baby cry even more.
A new study says that old people release a distinct odor. The study was conducted by me in a nursing home and get me out of here this place is awful.
Rielle Hunter and John Edwards have broken up. "That's too bad," said people without a soul.
Kim Kardashian says her fans are "stupid imbeciles". I didn't know she could say "stupid imbeciles" with an NBA player's dick in her mouth.
A boy died while masturbating 42 times without stopping. His autopsy says "He beat himself to death, so to speak."
I recently read about a groom who got drunk and cheated on his wife at their wedding. Even worse, he cheated with the flower girl.
Duke basketball head coach Mike Kryzewski says Penn State made a mistake firing Joe Paterno. Well good luck hiring him back.
Jerry Sandusky reportedly called himself the tickle monster. Which is strange, because I didn't know the tickle monster aimed there.
Casey Anthony said that she loved her daughter more than anybody. Of course she did. That's why Casey cried when she killed her.
A study says that a good sex life will help you live longer. If that's the case, I died five years ago.
Miley Cyrus is engaged. She would put the ring on her finger if she can get it out of Billy Ray's asshole.
That's all I have for today! More coming later!
Showing posts with label Adele. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Adele. Show all posts
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
"Dumped Flour"
Dick Cheney is undergoing a heart transplant. And by that, I mean he's getting one inserted.
Pope Benedict XVI has commissioned his own cologne. The cologne is just a bottle of tears from the altar boys that have been molested.
A Dutch woman who suffered a stroke says the faces of her family now appear to be ugly. In fact, you know that very family she is referring to? I was recently made an honorary member.
Ford is touting the ability of its turbocharged Escape to tow 3,500 pounds of weight. Doesn't Adele's car already do that?
Jason Russell, who made the film "Kony 2012", was recently caught masturbating in public. Ironically, he was caught by Ugandan police.
Ashley Judd is starring in a new ABC drama series called “Missing”. It's about her career.
Workers in Chinese iPad factories were forced to sign pledges to promise not to commit suicide. How will they get punished if they break the pledge?
There is new surveillance technology that makes it possible for a computer to compare 36 million faces in one second. So far, the only thing it has determined is that mine is the ugliest.
There was someone who dumped flour on Kim Kardashian. Kim was stunned. She had gone her entire life without anything white on her body.
James Cameron reportedly reached the deepest spot on Earth. That spot: Adele's belly button.
Friends of Demi Moore says she's sick to her stomach about Ashton Kutcher and Rihanna dating. Sick to her stomach? Don't worry, Demi. That's probably the bulimia.
That's all I have for right now! More later!
Pope Benedict XVI has commissioned his own cologne. The cologne is just a bottle of tears from the altar boys that have been molested.
A Dutch woman who suffered a stroke says the faces of her family now appear to be ugly. In fact, you know that very family she is referring to? I was recently made an honorary member.
Ford is touting the ability of its turbocharged Escape to tow 3,500 pounds of weight. Doesn't Adele's car already do that?
Jason Russell, who made the film "Kony 2012", was recently caught masturbating in public. Ironically, he was caught by Ugandan police.
Ashley Judd is starring in a new ABC drama series called “Missing”. It's about her career.
Workers in Chinese iPad factories were forced to sign pledges to promise not to commit suicide. How will they get punished if they break the pledge?
There is new surveillance technology that makes it possible for a computer to compare 36 million faces in one second. So far, the only thing it has determined is that mine is the ugliest.
There was someone who dumped flour on Kim Kardashian. Kim was stunned. She had gone her entire life without anything white on her body.
James Cameron reportedly reached the deepest spot on Earth. That spot: Adele's belly button.
Friends of Demi Moore says she's sick to her stomach about Ashton Kutcher and Rihanna dating. Sick to her stomach? Don't worry, Demi. That's probably the bulimia.
That's all I have for right now! More later!
Monday, October 31, 2011
"Nokia Lunia"
Pop singer Adele is undergoing throat surgery. I hope the gurney she goes on is well reinforced.
A police officer in Miami was arrested going 120 mph to get to a second job on time. Apparently his second job was a NASCAR driver.
An eruption on Uranus got the attention of astronomy scientists all over the world. The last time I heard about an eruption on Uranus, I had to call a plumber.
The name of the Nokia Lunia cell phone translates to “prostitute” in Spanish. However, this was a much better name than their previous phone, the Nokia Lohan.
A Pennsylvania boy died after smoking synthetic marijuana. He has asked that his casket be painted with a Doritos logo on top.
Two Domino's Pizza workers in Florida have been arrested for burning down a Papa John's. And you thought security guards took their job too seriously.
Two Japanese fishermen caught a bag that had nearly $150,000 in it. In other news, President Obama has announced a fishing trip.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A police officer in Miami was arrested going 120 mph to get to a second job on time. Apparently his second job was a NASCAR driver.
An eruption on Uranus got the attention of astronomy scientists all over the world. The last time I heard about an eruption on Uranus, I had to call a plumber.
The name of the Nokia Lunia cell phone translates to “prostitute” in Spanish. However, this was a much better name than their previous phone, the Nokia Lohan.
A Pennsylvania boy died after smoking synthetic marijuana. He has asked that his casket be painted with a Doritos logo on top.
Two Domino's Pizza workers in Florida have been arrested for burning down a Papa John's. And you thought security guards took their job too seriously.
Two Japanese fishermen caught a bag that had nearly $150,000 in it. In other news, President Obama has announced a fishing trip.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
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