"Partial Arts"

Crews in Philadelphia are covering light poles in grease to prevent Eagles fans from climbing them. It sharply decreased the amount of fans who wanted to climb the light poles and sharply increased the amount of fans who wanted to eat the light poles.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their newest child "Chicago". They should give up hope for this child giving them grandchildren, considering it's gonna take her 108 years to even get a ring.

New Miami Marlins owner Derek Jeter wants to get rid of the giant statue in Marlins Park. He plans to do so by trading it to the Yankees for two cheaper and younger statues.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un warned the US that "the button for nuclear weapons is on my table". This is the first time ever that something on Kim Jong Un's table wasn't covered in cheese.

Because of the Browns losing season, head coach Hue Jackson will jump into Lake Erie. Instead, I think Browns players should throw him in; because it would be a nice change of pace to see a Cleveland Browns throw hit its intended target.

Steve Harvey is hosted the New Year's Eve celebration on FOX. To prepare, FOX took extra precautions to make sure Steve didn't wish people a happy 2021.

A 10-year old judo champion is making headlines because he has one arm. It looks like that kid has mastered partial arts.

The Texas Attorney General said that guns are allowed in some churches. It's a risky move for Texans to bring guns to church, especially since most of them worship their guns as if they're false idols.

Scientists say bananas as we know them could wipe out within the next 5-10 years. So to make sure they don't wipe out, we need to take extra precaution to make sure they don't walk over any bananas.

The Miami Marlins have traded some of their top players, including Giancarlo Stanton and Dee Gordon. As a result, their average attendance for home games is expected to drop all the way from 12 people to 7 people.

Blake Shelton named People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive. It was a stunning upset over Alabama senatorial candidate Roy Moore.

The Minnesota Lynx defeated the LA Sparks in the WNBA Finals. Upon receiving the box of "Sparks WNBA Champs" shirts, kids in Africa said "Nah, we're cool".

Hugh Hefner has died at the age of 91. His casket will be stored in an attic until a 10-year old boy finds it and shows all his friends at school.

One week in September was Bisexual Awareness Week. If there was a street parade to celebrate, it would be the only parade where the floats go both ways.

That's all I have for now! And after a rough 2017, 2018 has gotten off to a flying start for me. I have two jobs that I'm very happy at (I work for the UC IMPACT program and my trivia/DJ stuff is going swimmingly). In addition, I just hosted a killer weekend of standup for Phil Hanley at Go Bananas. That week was incredible on all ends, as I performed for some of the biggest crowds I've ever performed for, including my biggest ever crowd of 250 for the Saturday late show. Let's see if we can't make 2018 my bounce back year. Anyway, more jokes coming soon!

"Snakes In His Pants"

Libyan President Moammar Qaddafi had a photo album of former US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice in his compound. He would have been less embarrassed if he knew what Google Images was.

Former VP Dick Cheney had a secret signed resignation letter locked away in a safe. Apparently Steve Jobs found the combination.

Dick Cheney says his new memoir will have “heads exploding all over Washington.” More like "faces".

A man in Arizona was arrested for stuffing $4000 worth of snakes in his pants. He should have been satisfied with just one snake in his pants, if you know what I mean.

One of the most feared pests in the world has been found in Chicago. The pest is feared, which means that he obviously doesn't play for the Cubs.

Kathy Griffin says she loves Justin Bieber. I knew she was into gays and lesbians, but I didn't know she WAS one.

A Florida Marlins day game attracted a crowd of 347 fans. At this point, the Marlins are going to have to pay people to attend their games.

The Marines have banned troops in Afghanistan from audible flatulence because it offends Afghans. They were okay with 9/11, but when it comes to farting, that's where they draw the line.

Professors at the University of Georgia are offering courses for illegal immigrants who have been banned from the school. I hope somewhere in the curriculum is an English class.

Goshen College in Indiana has banned the National Anthem from being sung at sporting events because of its violent lyrics. Then after that, they will play a football game full of cursing and hard tackling.

The east coast earthquake reportedly helped a deaf man regain his hearing. He puts the "ear" in "earthquake".

A survey says suburban Chicago teens engage in risky behavior. Like betting on the Cubs to make it to the World Series.

That's all I have for today, my birthday! More tomorrow!

"Finding Cheaper Gas"

Joke of the Day: A study says that people get happier with age. Which explains Larry King's "Happiest Person on Earth" award.

Tyra Banks gave a teary farewell to her talk show, saying that critics gave her two weeks, but the show lasted five years. This is almost exactly like Conan O' Brien, but his show lasted seven months.

British Petroleum is finally admitting that the Gulf oil spill is a catastrophe. Next on their list: actually doing something about it.

The GOP has received more money from small donors than the Democrats. Or, as I like to call it, "a non-bailout".

U.S. Diplomat Paul Bremer says the war in Iraq was badly planned. When you have George W. Bush as President, what do you expect?

A study says that high school drop outs cost taxpayers $8 Billion a year in public assistance. What about money for all the illegitimate children that they gave birth to?

U.S. drivers are finding cheaper gas for the Memorial Day Holiday Weekend. It's called "bringing a bucket to the Gulf of Mexico".

Mexico is fighting fat by banning junk food from its schools. Mexico wants these kids to be fit when they immigrate to the U.S.

Phillies pitcher Roy Halladay pitched a perfect game against the Florida Marlins on Saturday. It was the best offensive performance by the Marlins all year.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have apparently broken up. They broke up with each other when they realized how much of an idiot they both can be.

British Petroleum Managing Director Robert Dudley says that the company is learning from its failures and will apply them to their next try. Their next try? Don't they mean their first try?

Gary Coleman’s parents are demanding answers about his death. Like where is the curb that he fell off of?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!