"A Group Of Stars"

Someone fired shots at the Pentagon. To which Al-Qaeda said, "Amateurs".

In New York, one gubernatorial candidate represents the Rent Is Too Damn High Party. The only political party more ridiculous: Republican.

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner vows the U.S. won’t devalue the dollar. Because everybody knows you can't devalue something that didn't have value in the first place.

Bill Clinton is asking Democrats to not vote angry. He says making decisions when mad can result in mistakes. To which Charlie Sheen says, "Ain't that the truth".

Pete Rose has apologized again for his gambling while in baseball in an interview with the AP. To which MLB commissioner Bud Selig said, "Nice try".

A survey says that 70% of Americans think the country’s power is fading. The other 30% have been put under the "Don't-know-what-the-hell-they're-talking-about" category.

Scientists studying college students have identified a gene that allows people who have it to get drunk more easily. I believe that gene is called "college student".

Lindsay Lohan’s attorneys are “expecting the worst” at her upcoming court appearance. What's new?

A study says that teen binge drinking is being linked to attention problems. Especially while the kids are drunk.

A study says that 6.1 Trillion text messages will be sent this year. Dozens of those texts will not be sent from behind the wheel.

The NBA has banned shoes that supposedly help a player go more vertical. They are called "Air Jordans".

Archaeologists in the Swiss city of Zurich have uncovered a 5,000-year-old door that may be one of the oldest ever found in Europe. It was actually built for the closet that George Michael came out of.

A British woman used 9,852 slices of bread to turn a photo of her mother-in-law into the world's largest toast mosaic. However, the only place she put the yellow butter: the teeth.

Astronomers using the Hubble telescope think they’ve found the world’s oldest galaxy – a group of stars that’s 13.1 billion years old. Kind of like the set of "The View".

FINALLY FROM COMEDIAN PAUL SEABURN
In a speech at the University of Texas-Tyler, former President George W. Bush said he read 12 biographies of President Lincoln while in office. He kept hoping to find one with a better ending.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Sex Crazed And Very Cheap"

A New Mexico business owner was arrested for possessing plastic bins containing various human body parts. His bail will cost him an arm and a leg.

Cleveland Browns nose tackle Shaun Rogers was arrested at a Cleveland airport for carrying a loaded handgun in his carry-on luggage. The AFC North is messed up now. The Browns have issues with loaded guns on airplanes, the Steelers assault women, and the Bengals locker room doubles as the county jail.

The origin of April Fool’s Day is most commonly believed to date back to the late 16th century. Ever since then, April Fools Day starts off the same way every time. "Welcome to Larry King Live".

With rising educational costs, it is said that college students will “vote with their feet”. Honestly, how is that any different from the way it is now?

Former "American Idol" winner Ruben Studdard says he has lost about 100 pounds on a vegetarian diet. He had a vegetarian diet beforehand. It consisted of french fries and baked potatoes.

The Republican National Committee inadvertently listed a phone sex hotline number on a fundraising letter. The RNC actually meant to put it on a job application as a reference.

Charlie Sheen is reportedly leaving the show “2 1/2 Men”. With Sheen out of the picture, the show will gain a new title. 2 Men.

Three of Tiger Woods’ former mistresses say he was sex crazed and very cheap. All three of them were Perkins' waitresses.

A report in Vanity Fair says that Michael Jordan taught Tiger Woods how to womanize. Apparently Tiger was in the same graduating class as Jesse James, John Edwards, and Bill Clinton.

That's it for today! More tomorrow!