"A Single Strand Of Hair"

Madonna is set to perform the half time show at Super Bowl XLVI. A sign she's going to be awful: she's older than the Super Bowl.

British scientists have created the world’s smallest periodic table on a single strand of hair. And yet, still no dentists.

Three Ohio State football players were suspended for being overpaid on their summer jobs. I thought being an Ohio State football player WAS their paying job.

A “fat tax” has gone into effect in Denmark that charges for the amount of fat in a product. This would make me the most expensive product on the planet.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz is asking for donations to help create jobs. You know your company is doing bad when you overcharge for a small cup of coffee, people constantly buy it, and you STILL need donations.

Casey Anthony has told authorities that she's unemployed. Honestly though, who the hell would hire her?

Chris Christie says that he's not running for president. I'm not surprised. After all, it involves running.

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!

"Gigantic Home Run"

Capcom is planning to launch a Facebook game in October. It'll combine the elements of Capcom as well as the elements of Facebook games. They are calling it "Resident E-Ville".

Audi gave Tom Brady a new car after his recent crash. Because if anybody needs a car for free, it's the guy who just got a multimillion dollar contract to play in the NFL.

Judge Judy has knocked Oprah out of the top spot in daytime TV. And she didn't even take anybody to Australia.

Macy’s says that Madonna’s new line of clothes is a “Big, gigantic home run”. When she heard "Big, gigantic home run", Madonna said, "Oh, I'm done with A-Rod".

U.S. scientists have created robots that can not only lie and deceive other robots, but people as well. To make it go even a step further, they gave it the ability to sell insurance.

That's it for today! I couldn't find many news stories today, but I'll have more tomorrow!

"Kill The Bill"

Tragically, an airplane making an emergency landing on a beach on South Carolina hit and killed a jogger. You would think that Sully Sullenberger would land in the water like always.

Madonna was recently on “The Marriage Ref”, and she gave advice to married couples in distress. That's like Kirstie Alley teaching nutrition.

A study says that people in power make better liars. Let me put that study into one word: politicians.

A Democratic lawmaker says a protester stood up in the House gallery, yelled "Kill the bill" and was cheered by Republicans. The protester then yelled, "Thank you, my fellow Republicans, and your checks are in the mail".

Scientists say that the news media paints an overly optimistic picture of cancer. I don't think that people talking about how millions die every year from cancer is optimistic.

Among children and teenagers with asthma, those who also have peanut allergies may have more or more-severe asthma attacks, a new study suggests. Especially if they are around peanuts.

The FDA has announced plans to crack down on sales of tobacco to underage users. To which President Obama said, "Yay, more cigarettes for me!".

A Bengal tiger in Mississippi, who would wow spectators with his size and antics at the Buffalo Park and Zoo, has been euthanized after a lengthy illness. Based on what he's known for, he will be forever known as Chad Ochocinco.

Those jokes are all I have for today! Come back tomorrow for more "humor".

"Stealing Company Secrets"

A list of the fifty sexiest songs of all time puts Olivia Newton John's "Physical" at number one. "Like A Virgin" was number one until they saw Madonna was the singer.

Bill Clinton was hospitalized with chest pains, which may have been related to his heart. Seriously, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that Bill Clinton had a bad heart.

A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke...

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban says the NBA All Star game “blows away” the Super Bowl in nearly every way. One thing he has clearly forgotten: advertising.

"Amour," the French word for love, has been voted the most romantic word in the world in a pre-Valentine's Day survey of language experts. The least romantic word in the world: The English word for "Marriage".

Only a tiny fraction of women at high risk of developing breast cancer take tamoxifen to prevent the disease. I might be able to explain. You can't spell tamoxifen without T-A-X.

Reputed Goldman Sachs spy Sergey Aleynikov has been indicted for stealing company secrets. Those must have been some crappy secrets...

DirecTV Inc. is suing its rival, Dish Network Corp., for running an advertisement claiming that Dish delivers the same programs for less money. Uh, most people call that "advertising".

Well, that's it for today. I hope to have better jokes tomorrow, but I thought these were pretty funny.

"Worst Actress Of The Decade"

Hello everyone! Here are my monologue jokes for today!

Bill Buckner said he would have used steroids, were they available. Seriously though, hasn't he had enough problems with balls between his legs?

A Slovenian who saved his three dogs from being put down for attacking humans was himself mauled to death by them. Obviously those dogs were suicidal and they wanted to die.

Former teen idol Leif Garrett posted a $10,000 bond Wednesday after spending two days in a jail on a drug charge. Geez, after all these drug arrests, don't you think he would be called "Marijuana Leif" Garrett?

Madonna and Mariah Carey are both nominees for "worst actress of the decade" by Rozzie's. Who's the winner? Starts with an M... (Thanks to my chemistry teacher Mr. Venditto for inspiration)

A study says that reactions are faster than actions. Woah, who said that? Cool! (15 seconds later) I think I'm going to write a joke about that study.

A British plastic surgeons group reports that the number of male breast reductions rose by 80 percent from 2008 to 2009. Do you think it has anything to do with this obesity thing?

Madonna is such a fan of coconut water that she’s invested nearly $1.5 million in Vita Coca, a company that makes the drink. Talk about terrible endorsements by terrible musicians...

You can now buy a $9,000 beautiful female sex robot. Tiger Woods has already been named a spokesman.

New York Knicks Coach Mike D'Antoni says he's "really encouraged" by the Knicks' progress. If they continue at this rapid of a pace, people actually might start coming to their games.

A teenager in New Zealand auctioned off her virginity for $32,000 to pay for her tuition. In a related story, Tiger Woods offered to pay her $7,000 tuition, and $25,000 to keep quiet.

Well, that's it everyone! Thanks for reading and I hope you all really enjoyed it!

"Beyonce Led All Winners"

Hello everyone! It's already 1/12 through the year 2010! Here are some of my jokes for the day!

At the Grammy Awards tonight, Beyoncé led all winners with six awards. Hey, no need for Kanye West tonight, eh?

And Lady GaGa had such a flashy outfit at the Grammy Awards that once again, she made Stevie Wonder flinch.

Considering the names, shouldn't Pamela Anderson have hosted the Golden Globes and Madonna the Grammy's?

MTV's "Jersey Shore" will be back for a second season. It's a show about drunk tan people who only care about their looks and they fight all the time. It's like the New Jersey Nets, but MTV's version has better basketball players.

It was on this date in 1995 that Bill Clinton gave $20 billion to stimulate Mexico's economy. Well that's worked out quite well for them, hasn't it?

Thanks, loyal readers! More to come tomorrow!