"Dark Chocolate"

China is pushing to ban indoor smoking in most places by May 1. The only place that allows indoor smoking will now be your grandparents' house.

According to the latest census statistics, one-sixth of all Americans is Hispanic. The other five don't live in Los Angeles.

Phillies right-hand pitcher Roy Oswalt said he felt good a day after being hit in the head by a line drive. But to be fair, he did announce in the locker room that he was the best pitcher named Roy in baseball.

Ralph Nader is calling for an end to athletic scholarships in college. And you thought he couldn't get anyone to vote for him before.

A man in China reportedly bought 6.5 tons of salt. To put that in perspective, 6.5 tons of salt accounts for one french fry at Wendy's.

A group of transgender New Yorkers are suing because they are being forced to change the gender on their birth certificate. I say that next to gender on their birth certificate, they put a question mark.

Authorities in Mali have arrested four people after an aircraft loaded with 10 tons of cocaine crashed in 2009. By force of habit, Paris Hilton said that she had 10 tons of chewing gum.

A Chinese news agency that more than 100 eastern Chinese villagers have suffered lead poisoning. Chinese officials are calling this horrible, while Americans call this a stereotype.

A new study says that children with Tourette syndrome have better motor control than kids who don't. How bad is it when a kid who twitches 24/7 has better motor control than you do?

That's all I have for right now! More later!

"Offering Scholarships"

Miguel Cabrera will return to the Detroit Tigers lineup this spring for the first time as a designated hitter. And pitcher Armando Galarraga is now in the lineup as Miguel's designated driver.

Political insiders say former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich is close to announcing his candidacy for president. Even Ralph Nader doesn't think that Newt has a chance.

A Texas group is offering scholarships for white men only. It's for people who want to attend K-K-Kollege.

A study says that humans are the world’s smelliest animal. And to all you people that hate me, I didn't help this cause. Now the world's ugliest and world's fattest animal, maybe...

A new toilet has been developed that can reportedly flush 18 golf balls at once. And yet, Oprah Winfrey still managed to clog it.

Well, that's literally all I have time for today. I'm watching Charlie Sheen being interviewed by Piers Morgan. Anyway, more tomorrow!

"A Paper Copy"

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is 54 today. Of course, that thing on his head thinks he's 19.

In Britain, students attacked Prince Charles over recent increases in college tuition. When he heard that the students said they wanted to decrease tuition, Prince Charles said, "Okay, let's talk. I'm all ears".

A new survey reveals that only 4 percent of people over age 65 use Twitter. The other 96% still think Twitter has to do with birdwatching.

Legendary porn actor John Leslie has died at the age of 65. He will have an open casket. Just like the costars of his movies.

A city in Germany has created a “pleasure tax”, forcing prostitutes to purchase tickets for each day they’re working. This means that German prostitutes will have to pay taxes to the same government workers that they're sleeping with.

College teams Illinois and Oakland played seven minutes with a women’s basketball. The other 33 minutes, they played with a pee-wee ball.

A study says that one way to avoid eating junk food is to imagine eating it bite by bite. Scientists say this will have a profound effect on up to three people.

One and a half million Americans are going to be notified their health insurance is below standard. In an unrelated story, one and a half million Americans have health insurance.

Two thirds of Amerians say the country is going in the wrong direction. The other one third of Americans are Republicans ecstatic about the previous election.

Dallas Police will start to issue electronic traffic tickets that won't require them to hand over a paper copy. Meanwhile in Arizona, Mexicans are completely jealous.

Baltimore Orioles outfielder Luke Scott questioned President Obama's birthplace during an interview. Because if anyone knows how to get it done right, it's the guy who plays for the Baltimore Orioles.

A report says the U.S. life expectancy fell slightly after the recession started. This is mainly due to people killing themselves.

A study says that music soothes critically ill patients. You know how to contradict this study? Screamo.

A study says that fewer drivers are drinking or on drugs. They're just texting.

Ralph Nader says that President Obama will have a primary challenge because of his tax cut deal with Republicans. Because if anybody knows what it takes to be President, it's Ralph Nader.

A&E has canceled “The Hasselhoffs” after two episodes. They wanted to replace it with a show that actually has a chance to get some viewers.

President Obama has now gone nine months without a cigarette. This streak was broken when he got smoked by the Republicans.

That's all for right now! More later!