“The Hangover” star Bradley Cooper will star in a film version of the poem “Paradise Lost”. He will play Marc Anthony in the JLo divorce.
The big heat wave is scheduled to move east. The Mets are ecstatic. This is their first experience with being hot in over 40 years.
Some hotels in London now have “snore monitors” who pound on your door to wake you up if you’re snoring too loudly. They are known everywhere as "spouses".
Tiger Woods fired his long-time caddie Steve Williams. God, his wife, and now his caddie. His relationships are coming apart faster than his mistresses' legs.
Al Qaeda is reportedly planning a cartoon recruiting film for children. Don't they already have a cartoon about an aggressive animal that always fails and dies? It calls Wile E. Coyote.
Ben Affleck reportedly advised Jennifer Lopez on her crumbling marriage. You know you suck when Ben Affleck is giving you advice.
A Kansas man set the record for the largest tonsils ever. And you thought Paris Hilton was known for a deep throat...
A study says that people who take antidepressant medications are more likely to suffer a relapse of major depression than those who don’t. Talk about defeating the purpose.
Naked German sunbathers who used to flock to Baltic beaches are dwindling, because of a shrinking population. And looking at the German sunbathers, the population isn't the only thing that's shrinking.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Al-Qaida. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Al-Qaida. Show all posts
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
"Foreskin Man"
Congressman Anthony Weiner admitted that the underwear photo that appeared on his Twitter account was his. With a name like Weiner, what do you expect?
Sarah Palin insists she did not mess up her interpretation of Paul Revere’s famous ride. Palin added, "Of course, the Yiddish did actually come".
Al-Qaeda reportedly has a new leader. I don't know who the leader is, but I'm just going to assume his name is Something al-Something.
There is a new comic book that is anti-circumcision. The hero is named "Foreskin Man", and he spends most of the time fighting his enemy, "The Raging Scalpel'.
There is a new comic book that is anti-circumcision. The comic book's writers even plan to make a movie about it, but everyone is looking forward to the uncut version.
Mitt Romney says he “believes the world is getting warmer”. To be fair, he is really tan.
A New Jersey barber reportedly bit off half of a customer’s ear after he complained the haircut was taking too long. It's good to see Mike Tyson working again.
A woman has written a book where she makes herself perform one scary task every day. In chapter 46, she tries to spend 30 consecutive seconds looking at a picture of me.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Sarah Palin insists she did not mess up her interpretation of Paul Revere’s famous ride. Palin added, "Of course, the Yiddish did actually come".
Al-Qaeda reportedly has a new leader. I don't know who the leader is, but I'm just going to assume his name is Something al-Something.
There is a new comic book that is anti-circumcision. The hero is named "Foreskin Man", and he spends most of the time fighting his enemy, "The Raging Scalpel'.
There is a new comic book that is anti-circumcision. The comic book's writers even plan to make a movie about it, but everyone is looking forward to the uncut version.
Mitt Romney says he “believes the world is getting warmer”. To be fair, he is really tan.
A New Jersey barber reportedly bit off half of a customer’s ear after he complained the haircut was taking too long. It's good to see Mike Tyson working again.
A woman has written a book where she makes herself perform one scary task every day. In chapter 46, she tries to spend 30 consecutive seconds looking at a picture of me.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, May 9, 2011
"Water And Trail Mix"
South Korean researchers have developed a new technology that converts soundwaves into electrical energy. Because of this, Mel Gibson could generate his neighborhood for an entire week.
Police in Illinois have seized an alligator being kept by a man in order to attract women. If I have anything to say to that guy, I'm gonna say, "Can I borrow that please?".
Al-Qaeda was reportedly planning a train attack in the U.S. on 9/11 of this year. With bin Laden dead, al-Qaeda pretty much IS the train wreck.
Charlie Sheen says that “Two and a Half Men” was getting “a little stale”. Well that makes it unanimous.
Videos reveal that Osama Bin Laden’s medicine chest at his hideout show someone there suffered from ulcers, high blood pressure and nerve pain. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "So what?".
Donny and Marie Osmond are releasing their first studio album in 30 years. Middle aged women could not be happier.
A woman was rescued after surviving seven weeks stranded in the Nevada mountains on just water and trail mix. What do you call a woman who survives seven weeks while barely eating anything? A supermodel.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Police in Illinois have seized an alligator being kept by a man in order to attract women. If I have anything to say to that guy, I'm gonna say, "Can I borrow that please?".
Al-Qaeda was reportedly planning a train attack in the U.S. on 9/11 of this year. With bin Laden dead, al-Qaeda pretty much IS the train wreck.
Charlie Sheen says that “Two and a Half Men” was getting “a little stale”. Well that makes it unanimous.
Videos reveal that Osama Bin Laden’s medicine chest at his hideout show someone there suffered from ulcers, high blood pressure and nerve pain. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "So what?".
Donny and Marie Osmond are releasing their first studio album in 30 years. Middle aged women could not be happier.
A woman was rescued after surviving seven weeks stranded in the Nevada mountains on just water and trail mix. What do you call a woman who survives seven weeks while barely eating anything? A supermodel.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
"A Group Of Stars"
Someone fired shots at the Pentagon. To which Al-Qaeda said, "Amateurs".
In New York, one gubernatorial candidate represents the Rent Is Too Damn High Party. The only political party more ridiculous: Republican.
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner vows the U.S. won’t devalue the dollar. Because everybody knows you can't devalue something that didn't have value in the first place.
Bill Clinton is asking Democrats to not vote angry. He says making decisions when mad can result in mistakes. To which Charlie Sheen says, "Ain't that the truth".
Pete Rose has apologized again for his gambling while in baseball in an interview with the AP. To which MLB commissioner Bud Selig said, "Nice try".
A survey says that 70% of Americans think the country’s power is fading. The other 30% have been put under the "Don't-know-what-the-hell-they're-talking-about" category.
Scientists studying college students have identified a gene that allows people who have it to get drunk more easily. I believe that gene is called "college student".
Lindsay Lohan’s attorneys are “expecting the worst” at her upcoming court appearance. What's new?
A study says that teen binge drinking is being linked to attention problems. Especially while the kids are drunk.
A study says that 6.1 Trillion text messages will be sent this year. Dozens of those texts will not be sent from behind the wheel.
The NBA has banned shoes that supposedly help a player go more vertical. They are called "Air Jordans".
Archaeologists in the Swiss city of Zurich have uncovered a 5,000-year-old door that may be one of the oldest ever found in Europe. It was actually built for the closet that George Michael came out of.
A British woman used 9,852 slices of bread to turn a photo of her mother-in-law into the world's largest toast mosaic. However, the only place she put the yellow butter: the teeth.
Astronomers using the Hubble telescope think they’ve found the world’s oldest galaxy – a group of stars that’s 13.1 billion years old. Kind of like the set of "The View".
FINALLY FROM COMEDIAN PAUL SEABURN
In a speech at the University of Texas-Tyler, former President George W. Bush said he read 12 biographies of President Lincoln while in office. He kept hoping to find one with a better ending.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
In New York, one gubernatorial candidate represents the Rent Is Too Damn High Party. The only political party more ridiculous: Republican.
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner vows the U.S. won’t devalue the dollar. Because everybody knows you can't devalue something that didn't have value in the first place.
Bill Clinton is asking Democrats to not vote angry. He says making decisions when mad can result in mistakes. To which Charlie Sheen says, "Ain't that the truth".
Pete Rose has apologized again for his gambling while in baseball in an interview with the AP. To which MLB commissioner Bud Selig said, "Nice try".
A survey says that 70% of Americans think the country’s power is fading. The other 30% have been put under the "Don't-know-what-the-hell-they're-talking-about" category.
Scientists studying college students have identified a gene that allows people who have it to get drunk more easily. I believe that gene is called "college student".
Lindsay Lohan’s attorneys are “expecting the worst” at her upcoming court appearance. What's new?
A study says that teen binge drinking is being linked to attention problems. Especially while the kids are drunk.
A study says that 6.1 Trillion text messages will be sent this year. Dozens of those texts will not be sent from behind the wheel.
The NBA has banned shoes that supposedly help a player go more vertical. They are called "Air Jordans".
Archaeologists in the Swiss city of Zurich have uncovered a 5,000-year-old door that may be one of the oldest ever found in Europe. It was actually built for the closet that George Michael came out of.
A British woman used 9,852 slices of bread to turn a photo of her mother-in-law into the world's largest toast mosaic. However, the only place she put the yellow butter: the teeth.
Astronomers using the Hubble telescope think they’ve found the world’s oldest galaxy – a group of stars that’s 13.1 billion years old. Kind of like the set of "The View".
FINALLY FROM COMEDIAN PAUL SEABURN
In a speech at the University of Texas-Tyler, former President George W. Bush said he read 12 biographies of President Lincoln while in office. He kept hoping to find one with a better ending.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
"Known And Unknown"
After stating that illegal immigrants worked around his house, Colin Powell now says he doesn’t hire illegals. Anymore.
Washington says the recession ended in June of 2009. Good luck getting the rest of us to agree.
Wal-Mart says it will aggressively build a new version of its stores, much smaller than its supercenters. Won't it be kind of difficult to ship buildings from China?
Leonard Skinner, the high school gym teacher whose name inspired the band name Lynyrd Skynyrd, died recently. In response, the community held a cigarette lighter vigil.
Donald Rumsfeld's memoir called "Known and Unknown" will be released in January. However, the release was delayed after it was discovered that Pastor Terry Jones had already taken that title.
The UK is proposing that all paychecks go to the government which will then be distributed after all taxes are taken out. Isn't that called socialism?
A Chicago man has been charged with plotting to detonate a bomb near Wrigley Field. The bomb was labeled "Cubs playoff chances".
Harvard Economics Professor Mark Feldstein says raising taxes would cause a recession. It's nice to know that this professor finally came out of his coma.
Moral search engines are being created by religious groups to "squeeze out" the sin on the Internet. That's like trying to "squeeze out" the racism of Mel Gibson?
A study says that the common cold virus could be making kids fat. Who knew McDonald's employees were sick in the first place?
Paris Hilton is admitting the cocaine found in her purse belonged to her. In another horrible attempt at timeliness, Al-Qaeda is admitting to being behind 9/11.
Boeing is developing a solar powered unmanned plane that could fly for five years without landing. Of course, most planes nowadays take five years just to take off from the runway.
That's all I have for today! Let's just pray that I make it to iPhunny! More jokes coming tomorrow!
Washington says the recession ended in June of 2009. Good luck getting the rest of us to agree.
Wal-Mart says it will aggressively build a new version of its stores, much smaller than its supercenters. Won't it be kind of difficult to ship buildings from China?
Leonard Skinner, the high school gym teacher whose name inspired the band name Lynyrd Skynyrd, died recently. In response, the community held a cigarette lighter vigil.
Donald Rumsfeld's memoir called "Known and Unknown" will be released in January. However, the release was delayed after it was discovered that Pastor Terry Jones had already taken that title.
The UK is proposing that all paychecks go to the government which will then be distributed after all taxes are taken out. Isn't that called socialism?
A Chicago man has been charged with plotting to detonate a bomb near Wrigley Field. The bomb was labeled "Cubs playoff chances".
Harvard Economics Professor Mark Feldstein says raising taxes would cause a recession. It's nice to know that this professor finally came out of his coma.
Moral search engines are being created by religious groups to "squeeze out" the sin on the Internet. That's like trying to "squeeze out" the racism of Mel Gibson?
A study says that the common cold virus could be making kids fat. Who knew McDonald's employees were sick in the first place?
Paris Hilton is admitting the cocaine found in her purse belonged to her. In another horrible attempt at timeliness, Al-Qaeda is admitting to being behind 9/11.
Boeing is developing a solar powered unmanned plane that could fly for five years without landing. Of course, most planes nowadays take five years just to take off from the runway.
That's all I have for today! Let's just pray that I make it to iPhunny! More jokes coming tomorrow!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
"An Alleged Miracle"
Joke of the Day: A study says that brass instruments can cause lung disease. Especially when you play them.
A Florida church has vowed to go ahead with its “Burn a Koran Day”. In response, Al-Qaeda said that their number one target is now retirement communities.
Tiger Woods has been named to the US Ryder Cup team. Tiger then said that he thought that Ryder meant something totally different.
The University of Baltimore is offering a course on “Zombies”. Well, they dropped it back in 1992, but now, the University of Baltimore is glad that it came back to life.
Doctors are analyzing an alleged miracle involving Pope John Paul II. He's dead. If Pope John Paul II does anything, it's a miracle.
The Tea Party continues to post negative ratings. In other news, Osama bin Laden says that he doesn't like the United States.
Research shows that young adults are staying away form the stock market. Maybe you don't have to be old to be wise.
A study says that Facebook can lower grades by 20%. Even the scientists who did this study were stunned. Our grades can get lower?
New research says that even bugs have their own individual personalities. In addition, 99% of that personality involves them annoying the hell out of us.
One Million French people took to the streets to protest an increase in the retirement age. To which Americans said, "What's a retirement age?".
A zoo in England put a 200-pound orangutan on a diet and exercise after her previous owner fed her nothing but marshmallows and candy. You know a monkey needs help when they don't even eat bananas.
“America's Got Talent” judge Piers Morgan will take over for Larry King on CNN in January. They are actually very different. One is a grumpy old man who thinks that he deserves to be famous, and the other one is Larry King.
A Kentucky farmer says his corn is popping while still on the stalk, a phenomenon agricultural experts are blaming on low rainfall and high heat. This must explain why corn pops in the microwave.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
A Florida church has vowed to go ahead with its “Burn a Koran Day”. In response, Al-Qaeda said that their number one target is now retirement communities.
Tiger Woods has been named to the US Ryder Cup team. Tiger then said that he thought that Ryder meant something totally different.
The University of Baltimore is offering a course on “Zombies”. Well, they dropped it back in 1992, but now, the University of Baltimore is glad that it came back to life.
Doctors are analyzing an alleged miracle involving Pope John Paul II. He's dead. If Pope John Paul II does anything, it's a miracle.
The Tea Party continues to post negative ratings. In other news, Osama bin Laden says that he doesn't like the United States.
Research shows that young adults are staying away form the stock market. Maybe you don't have to be old to be wise.
A study says that Facebook can lower grades by 20%. Even the scientists who did this study were stunned. Our grades can get lower?
New research says that even bugs have their own individual personalities. In addition, 99% of that personality involves them annoying the hell out of us.
One Million French people took to the streets to protest an increase in the retirement age. To which Americans said, "What's a retirement age?".
A zoo in England put a 200-pound orangutan on a diet and exercise after her previous owner fed her nothing but marshmallows and candy. You know a monkey needs help when they don't even eat bananas.
“America's Got Talent” judge Piers Morgan will take over for Larry King on CNN in January. They are actually very different. One is a grumpy old man who thinks that he deserves to be famous, and the other one is Larry King.
A Kentucky farmer says his corn is popping while still on the stalk, a phenomenon agricultural experts are blaming on low rainfall and high heat. This must explain why corn pops in the microwave.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Monday, April 19, 2010
"In Place Of Shoe Boxes"
Joke of the Day: An 86 year old pilot with bad eyesight has been blamed for a fatal crash in Ohio in 2008. I blame the people who hired him.
It's being reported that al-Qaida is in financial ruin. So not only is the US fighting al-Qaida, but we are influencing them as well.
Bill Clinton says President Obama should look beyond judges for the upcoming Supreme Court nomination. Because when I think of people who should be Supreme Court Judges, I look for people who are not judges.
Alex Rodriguez now has more home runs than Mark McGwire, with 584. He is now in 3rd place, behind Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds, on baseball's prestigious steroid users list.
Cuban cigar legend Alejandro Robaina has died at 91. He plans to be cremated with a lighter and his ashes will go in a large cigar carton.
Athletic shoe maker Puma will use reusable bags in place of shoe boxes. I guess Puma is tired of helping elementary school students with art projects.
A study says jealousy can make you blind, or at least affect the way you see things. In a sense, this means that people become less jealous overtime.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says the league will be “thorough” with its probe of Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. I'm sure that the last thing Roethlisberger needs right now is a probing.
TV talk show host Conan O’Brien celebrated his 47th birthday on Sunday. NBC plans to give him a birthday present. A free haircut.
This is National Coin Week. The US Economy says that they are unable to celebrate.
Members of the Los Angeles Police Department stood between white supremacists and counter-demonstrators at LA City Hall, Sunday. You know things in LA are crazy when even the LAPD is stopping white supremacists from fighting.
A New Jersey man is being held in police custody for intentionally vomiting on a Philadelphia Phillies fan and his daughter. Or, as the suspect calls it, "The New Jersey Experience".
An Ohio woman who became the youngest person to row across the Atlantic says she got through the journey thanks to iPods, chocolate bars and audio books. On the other hand, I'm sure these are three things that would prevent people from going in the first place.
I hope the quality of these jokes were good. More to come tomorrow and thanks for reading!
It's being reported that al-Qaida is in financial ruin. So not only is the US fighting al-Qaida, but we are influencing them as well.
Bill Clinton says President Obama should look beyond judges for the upcoming Supreme Court nomination. Because when I think of people who should be Supreme Court Judges, I look for people who are not judges.
Alex Rodriguez now has more home runs than Mark McGwire, with 584. He is now in 3rd place, behind Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds, on baseball's prestigious steroid users list.
Cuban cigar legend Alejandro Robaina has died at 91. He plans to be cremated with a lighter and his ashes will go in a large cigar carton.
Athletic shoe maker Puma will use reusable bags in place of shoe boxes. I guess Puma is tired of helping elementary school students with art projects.
A study says jealousy can make you blind, or at least affect the way you see things. In a sense, this means that people become less jealous overtime.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says the league will be “thorough” with its probe of Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. I'm sure that the last thing Roethlisberger needs right now is a probing.
TV talk show host Conan O’Brien celebrated his 47th birthday on Sunday. NBC plans to give him a birthday present. A free haircut.
This is National Coin Week. The US Economy says that they are unable to celebrate.
Members of the Los Angeles Police Department stood between white supremacists and counter-demonstrators at LA City Hall, Sunday. You know things in LA are crazy when even the LAPD is stopping white supremacists from fighting.
A New Jersey man is being held in police custody for intentionally vomiting on a Philadelphia Phillies fan and his daughter. Or, as the suspect calls it, "The New Jersey Experience".
An Ohio woman who became the youngest person to row across the Atlantic says she got through the journey thanks to iPods, chocolate bars and audio books. On the other hand, I'm sure these are three things that would prevent people from going in the first place.
I hope the quality of these jokes were good. More to come tomorrow and thanks for reading!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
"A Big Lie"
The American-born spokesman for al-Qaida has been arrested by Pakistani intelligence officers in the southern city of Karachi. In court, he is expected to plead "irony".
A woman in jail for public intoxication was accused of assaulting a jailer by squirting breast milk at her. She only proved that she was drinking when she did this. Her breast milk was mostly alcohol.
Authorities say a gunman has been killed and an off-duty officer injured in a shootout outside a Walmart store in the east Texas city of Commerce. Strangely enough, the officer that was shot was more lifelike than the Walmart security.
Kathy Griffin recently said that Sarah Palin was "a gift that keeps on giving". This, coming from "a gift that nobody wants".
Ronnie White, who is able to memorize the order of a deck of cards in 1.5 minutes, will go on to represent the United States at the World Memory Championships in Guangzhou, China in November. The winner will receive the "Get A Life" award.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadenijad called the 9/11 attacks "a big lie". He also called his election "the absolute truth", Simon Cowell "too nice" and the New York Knicks "Team of the Century".
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadenijad called the 9/11 attacks "a big lie". I'm getting the idea that Ahmadenijad doubles as Joe Wilson.
President Barack Obama praised the Iraqi people for passing "an important milestone" Sunday, when millions turned out for national elections. Strangely enough, the person who was elected promised big things but didn't do anything.
New Pledge of Allegiance: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the democrat for which it stands, one nation underground, irresponsible, with obesity and taxes for all.
My friend's pledge: I pledge allegiance to the financial department of the United States of America, and to the budget which it screwed up, one nation under debt, incompetent, with income and revenue for China.
That's it for now! I feel like I'm back in a groove! More tomorrow!
A woman in jail for public intoxication was accused of assaulting a jailer by squirting breast milk at her. She only proved that she was drinking when she did this. Her breast milk was mostly alcohol.
Authorities say a gunman has been killed and an off-duty officer injured in a shootout outside a Walmart store in the east Texas city of Commerce. Strangely enough, the officer that was shot was more lifelike than the Walmart security.
Kathy Griffin recently said that Sarah Palin was "a gift that keeps on giving". This, coming from "a gift that nobody wants".
Ronnie White, who is able to memorize the order of a deck of cards in 1.5 minutes, will go on to represent the United States at the World Memory Championships in Guangzhou, China in November. The winner will receive the "Get A Life" award.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadenijad called the 9/11 attacks "a big lie". He also called his election "the absolute truth", Simon Cowell "too nice" and the New York Knicks "Team of the Century".
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadenijad called the 9/11 attacks "a big lie". I'm getting the idea that Ahmadenijad doubles as Joe Wilson.
President Barack Obama praised the Iraqi people for passing "an important milestone" Sunday, when millions turned out for national elections. Strangely enough, the person who was elected promised big things but didn't do anything.
New Pledge of Allegiance: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the democrat for which it stands, one nation underground, irresponsible, with obesity and taxes for all.
My friend's pledge: I pledge allegiance to the financial department of the United States of America, and to the budget which it screwed up, one nation under debt, incompetent, with income and revenue for China.
That's it for now! I feel like I'm back in a groove! More tomorrow!
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