"Funnier Than Women"

Joe Biden implied to a CNN reporter that he might make a run for the White House in 2016. Even Jill is saying, "No. Not gonna happen."

A study says that men are funnier than women. Apparently I wasn't included in the study.

Three new books say that the world is becoming less violent. All three books were written by men who live under a rock.

Bernard Madoff says in a letter that he feels safer in prison than in New York City. I mean it's a place full of assraping and scary men who want to kill you. And prison is frightening, too.

Doctors say an unrelenting sex drive is a symptom of rabies. That's why my dog is always humping everything.

The movie "Like Crazy" was shot without a script. A movie without a script; isn't that called a documentary?

A Detroit restaurant is offering a 338 pound hamburger for $2,000. So if you're fat and have a lot of money, this deal is for you. (That means you, Kirstie.)

The Indianapolis Colts lost to the New Orleans Saints 62-7 yesterday. That was such a collapse on Indianapolis' part, I thought Sugarland would've played the halftime show.

Justin Bieber is going to play at the American Music Awards. Just what the American Music Awards need: a Canadian.

A new study says that most children of illegal immigrants in L.A. don’t graduate high school. To be fair, who needs a high school diploma to use a Windex bottle?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Snakes In His Pants"

Libyan President Moammar Qaddafi had a photo album of former US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice in his compound. He would have been less embarrassed if he knew what Google Images was.

Former VP Dick Cheney had a secret signed resignation letter locked away in a safe. Apparently Steve Jobs found the combination.

Dick Cheney says his new memoir will have “heads exploding all over Washington.” More like "faces".

A man in Arizona was arrested for stuffing $4000 worth of snakes in his pants. He should have been satisfied with just one snake in his pants, if you know what I mean.

One of the most feared pests in the world has been found in Chicago. The pest is feared, which means that he obviously doesn't play for the Cubs.

Kathy Griffin says she loves Justin Bieber. I knew she was into gays and lesbians, but I didn't know she WAS one.

A Florida Marlins day game attracted a crowd of 347 fans. At this point, the Marlins are going to have to pay people to attend their games.

The Marines have banned troops in Afghanistan from audible flatulence because it offends Afghans. They were okay with 9/11, but when it comes to farting, that's where they draw the line.

Professors at the University of Georgia are offering courses for illegal immigrants who have been banned from the school. I hope somewhere in the curriculum is an English class.

Goshen College in Indiana has banned the National Anthem from being sung at sporting events because of its violent lyrics. Then after that, they will play a football game full of cursing and hard tackling.

The east coast earthquake reportedly helped a deaf man regain his hearing. He puts the "ear" in "earthquake".

A survey says suburban Chicago teens engage in risky behavior. Like betting on the Cubs to make it to the World Series.

That's all I have for today, my birthday! More tomorrow!

"Gaining Weight"

In San Diego, Comic-Con closed after 4 days. This is great news if your computer is broken.

Brett Favre’s agent said, “Brett is retired, period.” Apparently his agent is Rafael Palmeiro.

A South African man awoke after being inside a morgue refrigerator for 21 hours. Somewhere, Jeffrey Dahmer is thinking, "What refrigerator isn't a morgue refrigerator?

Scientists say that time travel is impossible. If it was possible, I would have kicked some serious ass at my March Madness brackets.

A survey says that half of all men say they would dump a woman for gaining weight. I mean it would be much easier to dump her if he had a forklift and a giant hill.

New data says that Texas has added half the nation's jobs over the past two years. They credit this to the fact that they're so close to Mexico.

Casey Anthony is seeking $1.5 million for a TV interview. Hopefully she uses the money to buy herself a heart.

Hugh Hefner’s ex-fiancé Crystal Harris says the 85-year-old Playboy founder lasted “like two seconds” during sex. That's two seconds longer than most women can tolerate.

The New York State Fair has introduced a 1,500 calorie donut burger that uses a glazed donut for the bun in a cheeseburger. If I buy it, I hope it comes with a free funeral.

A misplaced surgical clamp gave a Chinese man a 37 year stomach ache. He also blames it on the fact that he eats Chinese food.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Not Always Bad"

Joke of the Day: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadenijad said that he'll ban Coca-Cola from Iran. That's like playing the Los Angeles Lakers and double-teaming the waterboy.

Joran van der Sloot is reportedly looking for a $1 Million TV deal to tell his story. Unfortunately for Joran, it won't be easy to spend $1 Million in prison.

A study says that divorce is not always bad for kids. Unless your parents are Jon and Kate.

July is National Ice Cream Month. Which means that the 4th of July will be even more American.

Toyota says it has 270,000 vehicles with faulty engines. All their other cars have faulty accelerators and brakes.

President Obama is pushing for immigration reform citing that "the system is broken". The system? More like the fence.

Yesterday, LeBron James met with the New York Knicks, New Jersey Nets, and Los Angeles Clippers to discuss a possible signing. Yesterday was known as "Operation: We Need Help Now Play For Us".

The National Federation of the Blind and Virginia Tech plan to demonstrate a prototype vehicle next year equipped with technology that helps a blind person drive a car independently. Because if someone who is texting can drive with one hand on the wheel, I'm sure a blind person can drive with both hands on the wheel.

UFC fighter War Machine has been sentenced to a year in jail for violating probation after he assaulted people at two San Diego bars. What do you expect from a guy from the UFC?

The 2-year-old son of former NFL Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Randall Cunningham has died in an apparent backyard hot tub accident. Usually when a Philadelphia Eagles quarterback has a death in their backyard, it probably involved a dog.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Finding Cheaper Gas"

Joke of the Day: A study says that people get happier with age. Which explains Larry King's "Happiest Person on Earth" award.

Tyra Banks gave a teary farewell to her talk show, saying that critics gave her two weeks, but the show lasted five years. This is almost exactly like Conan O' Brien, but his show lasted seven months.

British Petroleum is finally admitting that the Gulf oil spill is a catastrophe. Next on their list: actually doing something about it.

The GOP has received more money from small donors than the Democrats. Or, as I like to call it, "a non-bailout".

U.S. Diplomat Paul Bremer says the war in Iraq was badly planned. When you have George W. Bush as President, what do you expect?

A study says that high school drop outs cost taxpayers $8 Billion a year in public assistance. What about money for all the illegitimate children that they gave birth to?

U.S. drivers are finding cheaper gas for the Memorial Day Holiday Weekend. It's called "bringing a bucket to the Gulf of Mexico".

Mexico is fighting fat by banning junk food from its schools. Mexico wants these kids to be fit when they immigrate to the U.S.

Phillies pitcher Roy Halladay pitched a perfect game against the Florida Marlins on Saturday. It was the best offensive performance by the Marlins all year.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have apparently broken up. They broke up with each other when they realized how much of an idiot they both can be.

British Petroleum Managing Director Robert Dudley says that the company is learning from its failures and will apply them to their next try. Their next try? Don't they mean their first try?

Gary Coleman’s parents are demanding answers about his death. Like where is the curb that he fell off of?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Los Suns"

Joke of the Day: At a Phillies game Monday night, a policeman used his Taser on a 17-year-old fan who ran around the outfield. In turn, the boy collapsed like the Mets do in September and October.

Today is Cinco de Mayo, a day of celebration in Mexico. They all celebrate by parading around Arizona to Los Angeles.

The Senate is discussing the concept of “too big to fail”. Then, Harry Reid stood up and said, "But enough about Oprah Winfrey and her new network".

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said, “While we do not welcome sanctions, we do not fear them, either.” In a related story, Mahmoud Ahmadenijad has just been named governor of Arizona.

Troubled ex-NFL player Adam “Pacman” Jones is trying out with the Cincinnati Bengals. At the tryouts, Jones showed the Bengals his criminal record, and the Bengals promptly offered him a multi-year deal.

The Phoenix Suns will wear “Los Suns” on their jerseys Wednesday night to honor their Latino fans. Any fan caught cheering when the Suns reveal their jerseys will be questioned.

A survey says frugality may outlast the recession. This means that I will be writing for The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.

A coffee shop in New York City is offering a $12 cup of coffee. Starbucks then sued the coffee shop for copyright issues.

Texas Governor Rick Perry is defending using the term “Act of God” to describe the Gulf oil spill. Um, Mr. Perry, I believe you mean "Devil".

A Facebook version of “The Price is Right” is scheduled to debut in June. This is a stupid idea. Can't you just look up the prices of the prize on the Internet?

Country music singer-songwriter Chely Wright has officially confirmed that she is gay. Apparently when she released "Single White Female", it was a love song.

That's all for today! I hope the quality was good because I think it was great! More jokes tomorrow!

"A Smoking SUV"

Joke of the Day: Latino Americans have higher rates of visual impairment, blindness, diabetic eye disease and cataracts than whites in the United States, researchers have found. This means that Latinos will be much less likely to see the Arizona police coming.

Police found an "amateurish" but potentially powerful bomb that apparently began to detonate but did not explode in a smoking SUV in Times Square. Sounds like a job for MacGruber!

President Barack Obama shared some words of wisdom on Saturday, saying there a few things in life harder to find and more important to keep than love. And he turned to the U.S. Senate and said, "No offense".

A Memphis woman called police after she found her son stealing her prescription sedatives from her bra. The story took a really creepy turn when police discovered the mom was still wearing it when the son stole the drugs.

A beekeeper came to the rescue after a sport utility vehicle was swarmed by thousands of bees. Sounds like the car was the new beekeeper.

Indonesian police have arrested a couple who made meatballs from the flesh of protected monkeys. They have also confiscated their restaurant, Super Monkey Ballz (it's an old video game from the Nintendo GameCube).

A Russian businessman who set up a museum dedicated to Soviet dictator Josef Stalin was electrocuted and bludgeoned to death on Friday. This was put on display in the museum section called "What Stalin did to people who were against him".

President Obama called Jay Leno "the only person whose ratings fell more than mine". Leno then called President Obama "the only person whose jokes are worse than mine".

Halle Berry's ex-boyfriend Gabriel Aubry said that he is "sad" about their breakup. I would be sad too if I broke up with Halle Berry.

That's all I have for today! DEFINITELY more tomorrow!

"Like Nazi Germany"

Joke of the Day: Brett Favre says his injured ankle is not the number one factor in his decision for next year. The deciding factor will be whether or not he has the ability to even make a decision.

A majority of people in Arizona say they feel the new immigration law will reduce crime. At least, the Mexican crime rate.

“Family Guy” creator Seth MacFarlane says the Arizona immigration law is like Nazi Germany. Now I'm just waiting for a flashback to prove his point.

A study says that six in ten Americans live where air pollution is at dangerous levels. The other four have decided to move out of Los Angeles.

Denver voters will go to the polls to say if they think the government has covered up the existence of aliens. I say yes. The last time people in Colorado saw a UFO, the government said that a six-year old boy was inside.

A new study says that nasal spray can make men more empathetic. The same study says that the use of nasal spray in public can make men look more pathetic.

Teen sensation Justin Bieber says that had he not become famous already, he would have tried out for “American Idol.” If that were the case, he would have to wait 12 years until he was old enough.

A new study says that frogs can be similar to humans. Especially when a princess kisses one.

Swedish golfer Jesper Parnevik says Tiger Woods is not welcome at his house. Why would Tiger go to Jesper's house? After all, Tiger does have millions of dollars.

The Washington Nationals are going to promote Stephen Strasburg from Double-A to Triple-A. In other words, welcome to the Washington Nationals!

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"A Canister of TNT"

Joke of the Day: A 17-year-old Utah boy mowing the lawn at his home in Hooper ran into a canister of TNT that may date back as far as World War II. The first people on the scene were the boy's dad and five moms.

April’s Consumer Confidence Index rose to its highest level since September, 2008. Which means Walmart didn't have as many shoppers as usual.

A brawl broke out in the Ukraine parliament after approving a treaty with Russia. Well that was a good treaty, wasn't it?

The Mexican government issued a warning that its citizens should be cautious if visiting Arizona. Yeah, they're "just visiting".

In Lincoln, Nebraska, a man concealed his face by wrapping his head in toilet paper before robbing a convenience store. Even more gross, it was from the convenience store restroom.

Police in Indonesia’s Papua are barred from having penis enlargement surgery. I guess they are following up that law that restricts officers from having more than one gun in their pocket.

A 10-year-old girl survived a sting from the world’s most venomous creature. Wait, I didn't know Heidi Montag was a cannibal.

Authorities said an 8-year-old boy grabbed control a pickup and brought it safely to a stop after his grandmother had a seizure while driving on a western Colorado interstate. The grandmother is now very relieved. She is thankful that she didn't have a Toyota.

Sandra Bullock has filed for divorce from her husband, Jesse James, and is adopting a baby boy as a single parent. To which Elin Nordegren said, "You can do that?".

A poll says more Americans are connecting with the government online. The same poll also said that more Americans chat with our government officials through porn sites.

The Icelandic volcano ash cloud cost European airlines more than $3 Billion in delays and cancellations. It's the happiest anyone has been with airline service in years.

The rights to the “Peanuts” comic strip have been sold for $175 Million. To which the buyer's wife said, "You forgot the Cracker Jacks".

Atlanta Braves Manager Bobby Cox says that the Cardinals’ Albert Pujols should be paid $50 Million a year. I disagree. Don't the Yankees already have a really good first baseman?

“60 Minutes” will air an interview with former “Tonight Show” host Conan O’Brien on Sunday. O'Brien and Andy Rooney will reportedly fight over who is more annoying.

A military hypersonic glider failed in a test flight. The glider was launched from a rocket to come back to earth at 13,000 mph to splash in the ocean. After the glider failed the test, military officials fired Toyota.

FINALLY FROM FRIEND AND COMEDY WRITER JERRY PERISHO
A brawl broke out in the Ukraine parliament after approving a treaty with Russia. These rarely turn into food fights; the last time I checked, you need food for a food fight.

That's all for now. More upcoming!

"The Cause Of Earthquakes"

Joke of the Day: A senior Iranian cleric says women who dress scantily and who have adulterous sex are the cause of earthquakes. In that case, why is Maury Povich's studio still intact?

US and Iraqi officials say they killed al-Qaida’s top two officials in air and ground assaults. And yet, still no word on Osama bin Laden.

The best-selling relationship book, “Men Are From Mars; Women Are From Venus”, will soon be on the big screen. The tagline: "Either way, they come from my... you know."

Twenty Nepali climbers are on a mission to clean up the area on Mt. Everest known as the “death zone”. Which is strange, because I thought Los Angeles was in California.

A set of quadruplets from New York have all chosen to attend the same college. In a related story, Kate Gosselin has just been inspired.

A suburban school district secretly captured at least 56,000 webcam photographs and screen shots from laptops issued to high school students, And those were just in the showers.

Returning from Mexico, Michelle Obama made a brief stop Thursday in San Diego to visit a community garden farmed by international refugees. She is calling this journey, "A day in the life of an illegal Mexican immigrant".

A gene variant that may help protect memory and thinking skills in elderly people has been identified by U.S. researchers. It's called a notepad.

A new study has found that almost six out of 10 child-care centers in Wisconsin send home children who have minor illnesses. That means that six out of 10 child-care centers in Wisconsin have really good liars.

High school students attending a prom in Oklahoma say they watched as a repo man drove away a limousine they had rented. At least one person said they thought the limo was being stolen. It was a repo man, so that person was right.

A new study says that one third of U.S. teenagers with cell phones send more than 100 texts per day. The same study has found that 99 of these texts were gramatically incorrect.

Jay Leno says he knew that Conan O'Brien would land on his feet. That's weird. Conan usually says he lands on his hair.

A 9 year old boy in Georgia is raising money for his own heart surgery by selling manuscripts of his life online. A 9-year old selling his life story? And you thought the book called "Jewish Sports Legends" was short.

A study says that tanning is as addictive as drinking, with one third of all college students hooked. To both tanning and drinking.

A study says that people grow to dislike diet foods after a period of time. Actually, these people just try diet food once and they hate it.

Joe Biden is set to make an appearance on "The View". And you thought the panel for The View never shuts up.

A U.N. report says that India has more cell phones than toilets. Conveniently enough, the US has exactly as many cell phones as they do cars.

GM is teaming up with a Detroit church to try to sell more cars. That's right, America. GM needs a prayer to get their cars on the road.

Bill Clinton says the world sees too much infighting in the U.S. And his marriage.

That's all for right now! More upcoming!