The Cincinnati Bengals fired offensive coordinator Ken Zampese. Upon being fired, he drove home during rush hour so he could experience going only 221 yards in 60 minutes one last time.
A report says floodwaters from Hurricane Harvey are a mix of sewage and chemicals. So, in other words, it's only slightly less gross than RC Cola.
The Denver Broncos signed Brock Osweiler. Playing in the thin Denver air will allow his passes to stay in the air long enough for opposing safeties to intercept them.
Pastor Joel Osteen came under fire for closing his church during Hurricane Harvey. I don't know why people were so quick to judge him; maybe he was saving room for 2 of each animal.
Steve Bannon has resigned as White House Chief Strategist. I guess it was his time to pass the tiki torch on to someone else.
Donald Trump reportedly called the White House "a real dump". If he really thinks that, then he should put someone he doesn't like in there. You know, like Hillary Clinton.
Singer Camila Cabello said Nickelback is her guilty pleasure. This proves once and for all that she is out of her head, she is out of her mind.
Shia LaBeouf was arrested for public drunkenness. Police became suspicious when he took off his "I'm not famous anymore" bag and puked in it.
Chris Christie closed a beach so he could go alone with his family. And I don't blame him; the ocean is the only thing that will wave at him without also flipping him off.
Donald Trump is showing signs of anger and weight gain. This should upset his supporters since those are symptoms of being Rosie O'Donnell.
Derek Carr signed a 5year, $125 million contract with the Raiders. To put that in perspective, that's $1.56m per start or $50 every time a Raiders fan flips him off.
Jurors declared a mistrial in the Bill Cosby sexual assault case. To which Cosby said, "Who is this Ms. Trial you speak of? Is she cute?"
Kathy Griffin came under fire for holding a fake Donald Trump severed head during a photo shoot. That photo shoot was so tasteless and unbearable to watch that I almost mistook it for one of her HBO specials.
A Marlins fan tried to distract Cardinals P Brett Cecil by exposing her breasts. This proves once and for all that not all heroes wear shirts.
President Trump fired FBI Director James Comey. He'll be replaced by the winner of a nationwide "Lock Her Up!" shouting contest.
That's all I got for right now. Well, folks, I got in a gnarly car accident recently. I'm not gonna go into deets, but everyone involved will be okay, and everyone involved is extremely lucky to be alive. Other than that, there's not much to report on in the Schub front. When there is, I'll let ya know. More jokes coming soon!
Showing posts with label Rosie O' Donnell. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rosie O' Donnell. Show all posts
Saturday, September 16, 2017
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
"Anderson"
Rosie O’Donnell said that she believes Oprah Winfrey is not gay. And believe me, if there is anybody who prevents women from being gay, it's Rosie O'Donnell.
Anderson Cooper’s new daytime talk show is going to be called "Anderson". What are they going to do when Dick Van Dyke gets his own talk show?
Brett Favre did not start Monday night, so his consecutive game streak stops at 297. And we all know what happens when Brett Favre gets free time.
FIFA president Sepp Blatter said homosexual soccer fans should refrain from sexual activities during the 2022 World Cup Games in Qatar. Here's my question: why are homosexuals in the Middle East in the first place?
LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling was seen heckling one of his own players. You know you suck when even your head coach starts heckling his own team.
A New York Jets trainer was fined and suspended after tripping Miami Dolphins CB Nolan Carroll. He got in major trouble for tripping, to which Miley Cyrus said, "Join the club".
30,000 free tickets were given out for the game in Detroit between the Vikings and the Giants. How bad are you when you pay to see Detroit, but you get Vikings-Giants tickets free?
NBC will launch a show to rival “American Idol”. Considering what's happening with American Idol, it won't be very hard to be more successful.
A study says that broccoli may not cut the risk of lung cancer. What does cut the risk of lung cancer: not smoking.
The new Michael Jackson album reportedly required digital enhancement of his voice. Exactly like half the singers on the charts today.
A study says that 96% of Americans think their children are well behaved. Try telling that to somebody on an airplane with a crying two-year-old.
The site of the Chernobyl nuclear disaster will open to the public next year as a tourist destination. What could possibly go wrong?
A 72 year old woman who gave birth at age 66 says she wants a second child. Good luck finding someone to sleep with you.
The NFL has reported 154 concussions so far in 2010. In fact, Brett Favre has suffered so many concussions, he still thinks he has talent.
That's all for right now! More later!
Anderson Cooper’s new daytime talk show is going to be called "Anderson". What are they going to do when Dick Van Dyke gets his own talk show?
Brett Favre did not start Monday night, so his consecutive game streak stops at 297. And we all know what happens when Brett Favre gets free time.
FIFA president Sepp Blatter said homosexual soccer fans should refrain from sexual activities during the 2022 World Cup Games in Qatar. Here's my question: why are homosexuals in the Middle East in the first place?
LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling was seen heckling one of his own players. You know you suck when even your head coach starts heckling his own team.
A New York Jets trainer was fined and suspended after tripping Miami Dolphins CB Nolan Carroll. He got in major trouble for tripping, to which Miley Cyrus said, "Join the club".
30,000 free tickets were given out for the game in Detroit between the Vikings and the Giants. How bad are you when you pay to see Detroit, but you get Vikings-Giants tickets free?
NBC will launch a show to rival “American Idol”. Considering what's happening with American Idol, it won't be very hard to be more successful.
A study says that broccoli may not cut the risk of lung cancer. What does cut the risk of lung cancer: not smoking.
The new Michael Jackson album reportedly required digital enhancement of his voice. Exactly like half the singers on the charts today.
A study says that 96% of Americans think their children are well behaved. Try telling that to somebody on an airplane with a crying two-year-old.
The site of the Chernobyl nuclear disaster will open to the public next year as a tourist destination. What could possibly go wrong?
A 72 year old woman who gave birth at age 66 says she wants a second child. Good luck finding someone to sleep with you.
The NFL has reported 154 concussions so far in 2010. In fact, Brett Favre has suffered so many concussions, he still thinks he has talent.
That's all for right now! More later!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
"Teaching While Drunk"
Dallas Mavericks star Dirk Nowitzki was ejected from Tuesday night’s game with the LA Clippers for complaining. He was mad that he couldn't play an actual professional team.
Comedienne Rosie O'Donnell says her new daytime television talk show set to debut in 2011 will be like “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” The only similarities I see are that the hosts are women, it will be during the daytime, and they are clinically obese.
Contestants on a British game show who were given were given the opportunity to spell out a profanity for points decided not to “in the name of decency.” This is something that Jersey Shore should have done a long time ago.
A 7th-grade school teacher in Southern California was arrested for allegedly teaching while drunk. It's Southern California; what do you expect?
A French man has been arrested for hacking into the Twitter account of President Barack Obama, French police said on Wednesday. Here's a piece of advice: people become suspicious when the President gives Twitter updates during a speech.
One in 10 Chinese adults already have the disease and another 16 percent are on the verge of developing it, according to a new study. I say China's job of becoming more like the US is complete!
Women who are overweight or obese do not appear to reap the same benefits in terms of weight-gain prevention, researchers say. Well DUH!
Osama bin Laden has warned Al-Qaeda will kill Americans if the mastermind of the 2001 attacks on the United States, Khaled Sheikh Mohammed, is executed, in an audiotape aired Thursday by Al-Jazeera television. So America has decided to kill Mohammed and Osama at the same time.
Arnold Palmer says that Tiger Woods should "open up". I think his legs already have.
A study by Australian psychologists says that men will risk it all for a beautiful woman. In America, we call that "Las Vegas".
A report says that a record number of Americans have been licensed to carry guns. Matter of fact, the standards of the NRA are so low, Gilbert Arenas is a premium member.
A study says that moderate drinking can help the heart. However, binge drinking can cause an unfaithful heart.
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi tried to help his re-election chances by criticizing a female member of the opposition party for being too attractive. That would have never worked with Hillary Clinton.
The University of Wisconsin-Green Bay has switched the default font on its e-mail system from Arial to the smaller Century Gothic to save money on ink when printing emails. This news came from the website: www.idgaf.com
Richard Heene, father of the infamous Colorado Balloon Boy, has been released from jail into home detention and must now wear an electronic ankle device until April 4. Heene is furious. It buzzes every time he is within 100 yards of a video camera.
That's it for now! More tomorrow!
Comedienne Rosie O'Donnell says her new daytime television talk show set to debut in 2011 will be like “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” The only similarities I see are that the hosts are women, it will be during the daytime, and they are clinically obese.
Contestants on a British game show who were given were given the opportunity to spell out a profanity for points decided not to “in the name of decency.” This is something that Jersey Shore should have done a long time ago.
A 7th-grade school teacher in Southern California was arrested for allegedly teaching while drunk. It's Southern California; what do you expect?
A French man has been arrested for hacking into the Twitter account of President Barack Obama, French police said on Wednesday. Here's a piece of advice: people become suspicious when the President gives Twitter updates during a speech.
One in 10 Chinese adults already have the disease and another 16 percent are on the verge of developing it, according to a new study. I say China's job of becoming more like the US is complete!
Women who are overweight or obese do not appear to reap the same benefits in terms of weight-gain prevention, researchers say. Well DUH!
Osama bin Laden has warned Al-Qaeda will kill Americans if the mastermind of the 2001 attacks on the United States, Khaled Sheikh Mohammed, is executed, in an audiotape aired Thursday by Al-Jazeera television. So America has decided to kill Mohammed and Osama at the same time.
Arnold Palmer says that Tiger Woods should "open up". I think his legs already have.
A study by Australian psychologists says that men will risk it all for a beautiful woman. In America, we call that "Las Vegas".
A report says that a record number of Americans have been licensed to carry guns. Matter of fact, the standards of the NRA are so low, Gilbert Arenas is a premium member.
A study says that moderate drinking can help the heart. However, binge drinking can cause an unfaithful heart.
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi tried to help his re-election chances by criticizing a female member of the opposition party for being too attractive. That would have never worked with Hillary Clinton.
The University of Wisconsin-Green Bay has switched the default font on its e-mail system from Arial to the smaller Century Gothic to save money on ink when printing emails. This news came from the website: www.idgaf.com
Richard Heene, father of the infamous Colorado Balloon Boy, has been released from jail into home detention and must now wear an electronic ankle device until April 4. Heene is furious. It buzzes every time he is within 100 yards of a video camera.
That's it for now! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
"A Full Hour In The Gym"
Worried that the American people still do not support the health care overhaul, Pres. Obama will make his case on the road, starting in Iowa. Or, as George Bush calls it, a coast-to-coast trip.
Rosie O’Donnell says she is ready to return to American television. And you thought "The View" couldn't get any worse.
New research suggests that older women need a full hour in the gym if they want to lose weight. They should work out in a gym with a ton of people. The extra weight should run away in embarrassment within the first ten minutes.
A new CW reality series called “Fly Girls” will follow the lives of five Virgin America flight attendants. They should call the show "Yeah, they exist".
In Colorado, the organizers of a group that stole $20,000 worth of baby formula pleaded guilty. The group has been sentenced to an hour-long timeout and a spanking.
Obese children are at increased risk for leg and foot injuries, a new study finds. I disagree 100 percent. How can obese children injure their legs and feet when they never use them?
Miley Cyrus was a voice coach on last night's episode of "American Idol". That's like Oprah Winfrey being a trainer on "The Biggest Loser".
Police say someone has dumped hundreds of breads, bagels and buns along a river in Muncie, Ind. And you thought our government was wasting dough...
Jerry Springer is set to host a new dating show on GSN. It's being called "Friday Night Fights 2".
Toyota has offered to replace the gas pedal in any of their cars if the owner is not satisfied. Here's my question: How can you be unsatisfied with a Toyota gas pedal and live to get a new one?
A Russian math whiz says he may not accept a $1 Million prize for solving a 100 year old problem. Apparently the problem was why you can't spend American money in Russia.
That's it for today! More tomorrow!
Rosie O’Donnell says she is ready to return to American television. And you thought "The View" couldn't get any worse.
New research suggests that older women need a full hour in the gym if they want to lose weight. They should work out in a gym with a ton of people. The extra weight should run away in embarrassment within the first ten minutes.
A new CW reality series called “Fly Girls” will follow the lives of five Virgin America flight attendants. They should call the show "Yeah, they exist".
In Colorado, the organizers of a group that stole $20,000 worth of baby formula pleaded guilty. The group has been sentenced to an hour-long timeout and a spanking.
Obese children are at increased risk for leg and foot injuries, a new study finds. I disagree 100 percent. How can obese children injure their legs and feet when they never use them?
Miley Cyrus was a voice coach on last night's episode of "American Idol". That's like Oprah Winfrey being a trainer on "The Biggest Loser".
Police say someone has dumped hundreds of breads, bagels and buns along a river in Muncie, Ind. And you thought our government was wasting dough...
Jerry Springer is set to host a new dating show on GSN. It's being called "Friday Night Fights 2".
Toyota has offered to replace the gas pedal in any of their cars if the owner is not satisfied. Here's my question: How can you be unsatisfied with a Toyota gas pedal and live to get a new one?
A Russian math whiz says he may not accept a $1 Million prize for solving a 100 year old problem. Apparently the problem was why you can't spend American money in Russia.
That's it for today! More tomorrow!
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