"The Shootout At The OK Corral"

Joke of the Day: A study says that many sick airlines passengers are not reported. Wouldn't it be a little easier just to count how many passengers are served food?

Today is Earth Day. People all over the world celebrate a movement to go green. Or, as Irish people call it, "We already celebrated St. Patrick's Day."

A hand-written transcript of the shootout at the OK Corral in Tombstone, Arizona has turned up 125 years after the event took place. In fact, it was written by Larry King.

The FDA has issued a reminder that it is unsafe to give your dog a large bone, like those from a ham or a roast. Especially if it's covered in chocolate.

The FDA has issued a reminder that it is unsafe to give your dog a large bone, like those from a ham or a roast. Especially if your dog is a chihuahua.

Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger was suspended for 6 games by the NFL for violating the league’s personal conduct rules. This is strange, because I didn't know the NFL had personal conduct rules.

A survey says the main form of communication between children ages twelve to seventeen is texting. Coming in a distant last place, face-to-face conversations.

Heather Locklear was cited for hit and run after knocking over a parking sign in Los Angeles. Strangely enough, she wasn't in a car.

A study says that male monkeys hold babies to make friends. Won't that be an awkward pose for the evolution of man picture?

A study says that many sick airlines passengers are not reported. That's because the flight attendants lost count years ago.

A poll says that Americans think that American cars are better than those made in Asia. Asia calls this poll, "Thanks for ruining it, Toyota".

Taco Bell has opened up their first restaurant in India. However, since cows are sacred in India, the can't use regular beef. In other words, the Taco Bell recipe will not change.

A study says that a single dose of aspirin can relieve the pain in about half of all migraine headaches. Apparently half of the migraine patients received pills labeled Aspirin, while the other half received pills labeled Miley Cyrus.

The government is going high tech to redesign the $100 bill. Redesign? I didn't know America had a single $100 bill to its name.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian, aka Dr. Death, says he thinks Al Pacino does a great job playing him in the new movie, “You Don’t Know Jack.” Wait, Al Pacino? Sounds like Al Capone would have been a better fit.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is defending the actions of Wall Street bankers. To which Wall Street said, "We don't want him defending us. We have somebody better. Mr. Madoff, the floor is yours."

The Hotel Normandie in Los Angeles is trying to become the country’s first marijuana friendly resort. The hotel has begun their quest by staying in Los Angeles.

That's all for today! Thanks to my faithful reader for all his support.

"Fat-Melting Injections"

Joke of the Day: Scientists have created a new, super heavy element. The name is going to be either "Oprum" or "Winfrium".

A survey shows that more job seekers are having cosmetic surgery procedures done. I guess these people want to apply for a job as a Heidi Montag lookalike.

A survey shows that more job seekers are having cosmetic surgery procedures done. We call these people "Hollywood wannabes".

The IRS is launching a program to target high wealth individuals to make them pay their taxes. This shows how bad the economy is. Even wealthy Americans can't afford to pay taxes.

A 13 year old California boy is going to attempt to climb Mt. Everest. This marks the first time in history that a Mt. Everest climber has needed chaperones.

A poll says Americans feel this is the right time to buy a house. They also said that they wish they had money to buy one in the first place.

Illness has forced the cancellation of a Whitney Houston concert in Paris. Whitney will only feel better if she lays down next to a coffee table.

Two women were arrested at a British airport for trying to smuggle a dead relative onto a plane. Police became suspicious when they had carry-on luggage but they didn't have any bags.

NFL quarterback Brett Favre became a grandfather for the first time, making him the only player currently in the NFL with a grandchild. Now Brett has someone he can share diapers with.

An upstate New York man was accused of stealing a vacuum cleaner from a department store on Friday — with his children there. What do the man's planning and the vacuum cleaner have in common? They both suck.

The Food and Drug Administration is cracking down on what are billed as fat-melting injections used in spas across the U.S., saying the drugs have not been proven to be safe. The FDA should also consider a crackdown on McDonald's, Burger King, and Taco Bell.

People in non-romantic sexual relationships today are likely to have multiple partners, researchers have found. These researchers need to research more people than Tiger Woods, John Edwards, and Jesse James.

Prolonged exposure to lead, particularly among children, may damage developing brain, kidneys and other organs. You know what this means? A child's first job should not be Walmart.

A new study says that a gene links lower birth weight to diabetes later in life. You know what this means for babies? They won't be skinny for long...

This was a great day for me! Definitely the greatness will continue tomorrow!

"A Hoax Weapon Of Mass Destruction"

The wife of Congressman John Conyers has been sentenced to three years in prison for bribery. To which she said, "If anyone helps me find a way out of jail, I'll give them five thousand bucks".

Kansas City, Missouri is planning on closing nearly half its public schools because of money problems. I'm not sure that one public school closing is all that big of a deal...

A study says that good health is equated to more senior sex. I don't care if they're healthy, I really don't want to see that.

Senator John McCain is abandoning his own bill that would increase regulations over diet supplements. So Obama really should try to improve his cholestorol FAST.

Carlos Slim Helu of Mexico is now the world’s richest man. See, not all Mexicans have minimum wage jobs.

A poll says that President Obama is more popular than Congress. This isn't that big of a deal. I mean come on, al-Qaida is more popular in Congress.

A poll says that President Obama is more popular than Congress. Apparently strippers and gay people were not allowed to vote.

Unemployment rose in thirty states in January. The other twenty didn't have jobs to start with.

Virginia has become the first state to ban mandatory health insurance. They were also the first US state on the Republican mortal enemy list.

The Obama Administration is considering helping airlines meet the cost of modernizing the air traffic control system. All the Obama Administration needs to do is buy two pillows and a blanket.

A college student in Florida has been charged with making a hoax weapon of mass destruction when he put fake dynamite on the seat of a Toyota. Heh, at this rate, a Toyota by itself is a weapon of mass destruction.

Charlie Sheen is out of rehab. He will likely be able to once again start taping his TV show Two and a Half Men. The twist is, though, that Charlie is the half man.

The Pittsburgh Steelers are offering a new version of the Terrible Towel to female fans. It will be used to dry their husbands' tears when the Steelers choke.

A federal appeals court in San Francisco upheld the use of the words "under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance and "In God We Trust" on U.S. currency. After all, who else to remove those words from daily life than the city farthest from him...

That's it, everybody! Definitely more tomorrow!

"The Best Since 2003"

Several dating web sites are matching up couples who have the same illness. Their slogan: "The gift that keeps on giving will now be the gift that your partner already has".

Airline on time arrivals in 2009 were the best since 2003. In the eyes of comedy writers, they really were the best.

Just hours after a bipartisan jobs bill was unveiled in Washington, Thursday, Sen. Majority Leader Harry Reid killed it. I guess he was mad because the paper the bill was printed on was white and with no negro dialect.

One in six US adults carried a smart phone, last year. However, while the adults were driving, those numbers rose to five in six.

A Web designer is hawking square inches of an empty lot in Detroit for a dollar each to show what can be done with vacant spaces. He may as well have sold the entire city of Detroit.

Some mental health advocates are pushing to have "orthorexia", which is classified as an obsession with eating only healthy foods. This is also being classified as the rarest disease in the history of America.

New York City could raise $222 million a year from a proposed new tax on sugary soft drinks. $222 million dollars? That's like an entire New York Yankee.

Have you seen the men's speedskating for the Olympics? That's the fastest thing I've seen on NBC since Leno's career in Primetime.

Sorry it was so late! My parents were being stupid about this. More tomorrow.