"An Alleged Miracle"

Joke of the Day: A study says that brass instruments can cause lung disease. Especially when you play them.

A Florida church has vowed to go ahead with its “Burn a Koran Day”. In response, Al-Qaeda said that their number one target is now retirement communities.

Tiger Woods has been named to the US Ryder Cup team. Tiger then said that he thought that Ryder meant something totally different.

The University of Baltimore is offering a course on “Zombies”. Well, they dropped it back in 1992, but now, the University of Baltimore is glad that it came back to life.

Doctors are analyzing an alleged miracle involving Pope John Paul II. He's dead. If Pope John Paul II does anything, it's a miracle.

The Tea Party continues to post negative ratings. In other news, Osama bin Laden says that he doesn't like the United States.

Research shows that young adults are staying away form the stock market. Maybe you don't have to be old to be wise.

A study says that Facebook can lower grades by 20%. Even the scientists who did this study were stunned. Our grades can get lower?

New research says that even bugs have their own individual personalities. In addition, 99% of that personality involves them annoying the hell out of us.

One Million French people took to the streets to protest an increase in the retirement age. To which Americans said, "What's a retirement age?".

A zoo in England put a 200-pound orangutan on a diet and exercise after her previous owner fed her nothing but marshmallows and candy. You know a monkey needs help when they don't even eat bananas.

“America's Got Talent” judge Piers Morgan will take over for Larry King on CNN in January. They are actually very different. One is a grumpy old man who thinks that he deserves to be famous, and the other one is Larry King.

A Kentucky farmer says his corn is popping while still on the stalk, a phenomenon agricultural experts are blaming on low rainfall and high heat. This must explain why corn pops in the microwave.

That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!

"A Smoking SUV"

Joke of the Day: Latino Americans have higher rates of visual impairment, blindness, diabetic eye disease and cataracts than whites in the United States, researchers have found. This means that Latinos will be much less likely to see the Arizona police coming.

Police found an "amateurish" but potentially powerful bomb that apparently began to detonate but did not explode in a smoking SUV in Times Square. Sounds like a job for MacGruber!

President Barack Obama shared some words of wisdom on Saturday, saying there a few things in life harder to find and more important to keep than love. And he turned to the U.S. Senate and said, "No offense".

A Memphis woman called police after she found her son stealing her prescription sedatives from her bra. The story took a really creepy turn when police discovered the mom was still wearing it when the son stole the drugs.

A beekeeper came to the rescue after a sport utility vehicle was swarmed by thousands of bees. Sounds like the car was the new beekeeper.

Indonesian police have arrested a couple who made meatballs from the flesh of protected monkeys. They have also confiscated their restaurant, Super Monkey Ballz (it's an old video game from the Nintendo GameCube).

A Russian businessman who set up a museum dedicated to Soviet dictator Josef Stalin was electrocuted and bludgeoned to death on Friday. This was put on display in the museum section called "What Stalin did to people who were against him".

President Obama called Jay Leno "the only person whose ratings fell more than mine". Leno then called President Obama "the only person whose jokes are worse than mine".

Halle Berry's ex-boyfriend Gabriel Aubry said that he is "sad" about their breakup. I would be sad too if I broke up with Halle Berry.

That's all I have for today! DEFINITELY more tomorrow!