Thursday, Sept. 1, is the start of International Enthusiasm Week. So what?
Actress Darryl Hanna was arrested in front of the White House while protesting a new oil pipeline. A woman named Darryl? She's PERFECT for prison.
Dick Cheney says in his memoirs that he didn’t change, the world changed. Never mind, those are Al Gore's memoirs.
In an interview on “Today”, Dick Cheney said he doesn’t think the War in Iraq hurt the reputation of the U.S. President Bush's reputation, maybe...
14 of the 33 trapped Chilean miners were given early retirement. Didn't they technically already have a 69-day retirement?
A physicist says he has devised a plan to cut boarding time on planes by half. It's called "being white".
An Arizona ski resort is planning to make snow from recycled sewage plant water. And you thought your frontyard had a lot of yellow snow.
A new tropical storm is arising, and it is named "Katia". Katia, as in, "We are running out of ideas".
Michael Vick signed a massive eight year contract worth $100 million. Remember the last time Michael Vick had a lot of money?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Chilean Miners. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Chilean Miners. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
"Free Condoms"
Barbie and Ken are reportedly back together. God, I haven't seen so much controversy regarding the relationship between two plastic douches since Heidi and Spencer.
McDonald's restaurants in Hong Kong are allowing couples to get married with "McWeddings". To the couples getting married at "McWeddings": Do you have any McClass?
New York City has a new app that helps cellphone users find a location distributing free condoms. Of course, Los Angeles has the exact same thing. It's called "a map to Charlie Sheen's house".
An Oregon man who videotaped his car’s speedometer hitting 140-mph was arrested and jailed. He was charged with going nowhere fast.
Maine lawmakers are about to name the whoopie pie as the state’s official treat. If that's the case, what is Maine's official cushion?
A new book says the 33 trapped Chilean miners considered suicide and cannibalism, then later demanded sex toys. They were not able to get the sex toys because, of course, they were miners.
Billy Ray Cyrus says he wishes the Disney show “Hannah Montana” had never been started. Billy, I feel your pain. We all feel that way.
Real estate mogul Donald Trump says he is interested in investing in the New York Mets. I thought he was known to make good investments.
An Illinois woman is being accused of updating her Facebook status while driving when she hit and killed a pedestrian. At the autopsy, the coroner wrote "It's complicated" right next to cause of death.
Two Senators are asking Major League Baseball to ban smokeless tobacco. Wouldn't chew think that would be a huge benefit?
O.J. Simpson was reportedly seriously beaten in prison. I guess "The Juice" got juiced.
Lindsay Lohan will read the Top Ten list on the Late Show with David Letterman. It's fairly likely that she will literally steal the show.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
McDonald's restaurants in Hong Kong are allowing couples to get married with "McWeddings". To the couples getting married at "McWeddings": Do you have any McClass?
New York City has a new app that helps cellphone users find a location distributing free condoms. Of course, Los Angeles has the exact same thing. It's called "a map to Charlie Sheen's house".
An Oregon man who videotaped his car’s speedometer hitting 140-mph was arrested and jailed. He was charged with going nowhere fast.
Maine lawmakers are about to name the whoopie pie as the state’s official treat. If that's the case, what is Maine's official cushion?
A new book says the 33 trapped Chilean miners considered suicide and cannibalism, then later demanded sex toys. They were not able to get the sex toys because, of course, they were miners.
Billy Ray Cyrus says he wishes the Disney show “Hannah Montana” had never been started. Billy, I feel your pain. We all feel that way.
Real estate mogul Donald Trump says he is interested in investing in the New York Mets. I thought he was known to make good investments.
An Illinois woman is being accused of updating her Facebook status while driving when she hit and killed a pedestrian. At the autopsy, the coroner wrote "It's complicated" right next to cause of death.
Two Senators are asking Major League Baseball to ban smokeless tobacco. Wouldn't chew think that would be a huge benefit?
O.J. Simpson was reportedly seriously beaten in prison. I guess "The Juice" got juiced.
Lindsay Lohan will read the Top Ten list on the Late Show with David Letterman. It's fairly likely that she will literally steal the show.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, January 21, 2011
"Junior Lollipops"
Sandra Bullock’s ex-husband Jesse James is engaged to marry “LA Ink” tattoo star Kat Von D. I wonder what would incline a man like Jesse James to marry a person known for tattoos.
A woman who regained her voice through a rare larynx transplant says she never wants to stop talking. Do you know what Americans call a woman who never wants to stop talking? A wife.
January 21st is International Hugging Day. Meanwhile, girls I talk to today are going to celebrate Get The Hell Away From Me Day.
In the FBI’s big Mafia bust, guys named Bobby Glasses, Vinny Carwash, and Junior Lollipops were arrested. Their new names are going to be Nerd, Scrub, and Sucker.
A Swiss collector returned four pre-Columbian mummies to Chile. You know, those weird people who were enclosed in a dark space for an extended period of time. Well, they're getting mummies.
An Arizona restaurant will start offering African lion meat tacos. And for dessert, you can eat Latinos pulled over by Arizona police.
Kobe Bryant is on pace to set a record for most missed field goals in NBA history. He has enough bricks to build a house fit for Kobe Bryant.
Paul the World Cup Oracle Octopus has been memorialized with a plastic statue with its tentacles wrapped around a soccer ball. It also has a vuvuzela lodged in its mouth.
A report says that “Angry Birds” will be made into an animated TV series. Each episode will last four hours long, and for some reason, you can't stop watching.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A woman who regained her voice through a rare larynx transplant says she never wants to stop talking. Do you know what Americans call a woman who never wants to stop talking? A wife.
January 21st is International Hugging Day. Meanwhile, girls I talk to today are going to celebrate Get The Hell Away From Me Day.
In the FBI’s big Mafia bust, guys named Bobby Glasses, Vinny Carwash, and Junior Lollipops were arrested. Their new names are going to be Nerd, Scrub, and Sucker.
A Swiss collector returned four pre-Columbian mummies to Chile. You know, those weird people who were enclosed in a dark space for an extended period of time. Well, they're getting mummies.
An Arizona restaurant will start offering African lion meat tacos. And for dessert, you can eat Latinos pulled over by Arizona police.
Kobe Bryant is on pace to set a record for most missed field goals in NBA history. He has enough bricks to build a house fit for Kobe Bryant.
Paul the World Cup Oracle Octopus has been memorialized with a plastic statue with its tentacles wrapped around a soccer ball. It also has a vuvuzela lodged in its mouth.
A report says that “Angry Birds” will be made into an animated TV series. Each episode will last four hours long, and for some reason, you can't stop watching.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, November 8, 2010
"Joined Facebook"
We lost an hour this weekend due to Daylight Savings Time. Usually, when Americans lose an hour, they watch Dancing With The Stars.
Republicans say they’re planning an all-out assault on the Obama health care program. Didn't they already do that? They're called "attack ads".
Republican Senator-elect Rand Paul says lawmakers must consider cuts in military spending. Especially since we are pulling out within the next two years.
Britain’s Queen Elizabeth II has joined Facebook. And you thought poking was creepy before.
A Chilean miner managed to cross the finish line in the New York City Marathon. In fact, it only took him 69 days.
President Obama is in India pushing for U.S. jobs. This is being called "Operation Please Come Back To America".
Amazon is buying diaper.com for $540 Million. Americans who know the difference between the two get a huge cash prize.
A study says that tonsil surgery may not help kids to stop bedwetting, as previously thought. I have to ask: Where does pee come out of us again?
Penn State coach Joe Paterno has won his 400th game. He is such a legend that he is being offered a sponsorship deal for Flomax.
Jamie Moyer appears to have ended his baseball career after injuring his elbow playing in the Dominican Republic. Really? I thought at his age, people broke their hip.
A hotel in Sweden is letting guests use their mobile phones as room keys. Of course, it's kind of hard to get into hotel rooms while driving.
Republicans say they’re planning an all-out assault on the Obama health care program. Didn't they already do that? They're called "attack ads".
Republican Senator-elect Rand Paul says lawmakers must consider cuts in military spending. Especially since we are pulling out within the next two years.
Britain’s Queen Elizabeth II has joined Facebook. And you thought poking was creepy before.
A Chilean miner managed to cross the finish line in the New York City Marathon. In fact, it only took him 69 days.
President Obama is in India pushing for U.S. jobs. This is being called "Operation Please Come Back To America".
Amazon is buying diaper.com for $540 Million. Americans who know the difference between the two get a huge cash prize.
A study says that tonsil surgery may not help kids to stop bedwetting, as previously thought. I have to ask: Where does pee come out of us again?
Penn State coach Joe Paterno has won his 400th game. He is such a legend that he is being offered a sponsorship deal for Flomax.
Jamie Moyer appears to have ended his baseball career after injuring his elbow playing in the Dominican Republic. Really? I thought at his age, people broke their hip.
A hotel in Sweden is letting guests use their mobile phones as room keys. Of course, it's kind of hard to get into hotel rooms while driving.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
"A Pink Wig"
Today, November 2nd, is "Day of the Dead". Today is a day that we celebrate the playoff hopes of the Dallas Cowboys.
At this year’s Miami Book Fair International, the featured country is Mexico. This came as a shock to all the Cubans living in Miami.
Brazil elected its first woman president. The next closest Brazilian woman to be their president: Ronaldo.
Rapper Lil Wayne is the second recording artist to release a No. 1 album while serving a sentence. If only Lil Wayne knew what the other kind of sentence is.
A new British study says alcohol is more dangerous than heroin, crack, marijuana and ecstasy. Let's be fair. Lindsay Lohan has overdosed on all these and she's still alive.
One of the now-famous Chilean miners will run in the New York City Marathon. Expect him to be interviewed by Oprah within the next week.
A survey says 75% of Americans feel things are going badly, the highest number since the mid 70s. The other 25% have been medically diagnosed as "crazy".
A survey says that 52% of Americans say the economy is the most important issue. The other 48% of people are stoners living in California.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez says that golf courses should be destroyed and used for other purposes. Expect this to be in an attack ad by tonight.
Randy Quaid and his wife Evi say they are on the run from “Star whackers” who are out to get them. They are perfectly safe. Neither one of them are stars.
China is holding the world’s largest census which will cover ten days to count all the people who live there. I saw the census. The box for number of children:
0 - [ ]
1 - [ ]
2+ - [ ]
If you answered "2+": What would you like to happen to you (you must choose at least one):
Die - [ ]
Die - [ ]
Die - [ ]
The owner of the National Enquirer is filing for bankruptcy. This is a sad ending for both people that still believe what they write.
A study says people are what they watch. This is terrible news for people who watch Jerry Springer.
A transsexual wearing a pink wig and a dress won Britain's national Scrabble championship. Congratulations, Lady Gaga.
The British big-and-tall retailer High & Mighty has introduced a size XXXXL suit for men with a 64-inch chest and 60-inch waist. In fact, they give customers a basketball court for a dressing room.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
At this year’s Miami Book Fair International, the featured country is Mexico. This came as a shock to all the Cubans living in Miami.
Brazil elected its first woman president. The next closest Brazilian woman to be their president: Ronaldo.
Rapper Lil Wayne is the second recording artist to release a No. 1 album while serving a sentence. If only Lil Wayne knew what the other kind of sentence is.
A new British study says alcohol is more dangerous than heroin, crack, marijuana and ecstasy. Let's be fair. Lindsay Lohan has overdosed on all these and she's still alive.
One of the now-famous Chilean miners will run in the New York City Marathon. Expect him to be interviewed by Oprah within the next week.
A survey says 75% of Americans feel things are going badly, the highest number since the mid 70s. The other 25% have been medically diagnosed as "crazy".
A survey says that 52% of Americans say the economy is the most important issue. The other 48% of people are stoners living in California.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez says that golf courses should be destroyed and used for other purposes. Expect this to be in an attack ad by tonight.
Randy Quaid and his wife Evi say they are on the run from “Star whackers” who are out to get them. They are perfectly safe. Neither one of them are stars.
China is holding the world’s largest census which will cover ten days to count all the people who live there. I saw the census. The box for number of children:
0 - [ ]
1 - [ ]
2+ - [ ]
If you answered "2+": What would you like to happen to you (you must choose at least one):
Die - [ ]
Die - [ ]
Die - [ ]
The owner of the National Enquirer is filing for bankruptcy. This is a sad ending for both people that still believe what they write.
A study says people are what they watch. This is terrible news for people who watch Jerry Springer.
A transsexual wearing a pink wig and a dress won Britain's national Scrabble championship. Congratulations, Lady Gaga.
The British big-and-tall retailer High & Mighty has introduced a size XXXXL suit for men with a 64-inch chest and 60-inch waist. In fact, they give customers a basketball court for a dressing room.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, October 15, 2010
"Welcome 2 America"
Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg walked off the set of “The View” after a shouting match with Bill O’Reilly. Why do they feel the need to walk off? Shouting matches make "The View" what it is today.
Fifty-two-year-old singer Prince describes his new “Welcome 2 America” tour as “what we’ve all been waiting for”. No, Prince. We've all been waiting for me to tell good jokes.
Officials at Lion Country Safari in Florida say a woman drove through the park wearing nothing but an open robe. That woman needs to know that open robes are only acceptable in hospitals.
The 33 rescued miners are getting gifts from all over the world. A gift they've long awaited: sunlight.
A poll says a majority of Americans favor a third political party. Mainly because the other two suck.
A study says that love really can ease pain. This must explain why I always have so many injuries.
New airport scanners are able to tell the difference between shampoo and explosives. If you have trouble differentiating between the two, you may have some problems.
Airlines are considering doing away with first class. This is terrible. Where are rich people going to sit on the airplanes?
Brett Favre says he doesn't want to play football just to play. As old as he is, I'm a little curious as to how he knows why he plays in the first place.
That's all for right now! More later!
Fifty-two-year-old singer Prince describes his new “Welcome 2 America” tour as “what we’ve all been waiting for”. No, Prince. We've all been waiting for me to tell good jokes.
Officials at Lion Country Safari in Florida say a woman drove through the park wearing nothing but an open robe. That woman needs to know that open robes are only acceptable in hospitals.
The 33 rescued miners are getting gifts from all over the world. A gift they've long awaited: sunlight.
A poll says a majority of Americans favor a third political party. Mainly because the other two suck.
A study says that love really can ease pain. This must explain why I always have so many injuries.
New airport scanners are able to tell the difference between shampoo and explosives. If you have trouble differentiating between the two, you may have some problems.
Airlines are considering doing away with first class. This is terrible. Where are rich people going to sit on the airplanes?
Brett Favre says he doesn't want to play football just to play. As old as he is, I'm a little curious as to how he knows why he plays in the first place.
That's all for right now! More later!
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