WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange suggests that President Obama should resign from office. That's like Mel Gibson calling you a racist.
Kate Gosselin and her brood made a very special visit to “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” cable show. Gosselin is glad to know that her show isn't the only piece of crap on TLC.
The Supreme Court will consider throwing out a case against Wal-Mart claiming women are paid less than men. Wal-Mart workers were stunned upon hearing the fact that women get paid.
Walmart has teamed up with the Department of Homeland Security to implement a program called "if you see something say something" which is aimed at reporting suspicious or terrorist activities. If you ask the terrorists about it, they are going to defend themselves by saying, "Don't ask, and don't tell".
The Census Bureau projects the population of the U.S. to be between 305-312 Million people. That's not even counting the number of Levi Johnston's children.
A study says that country boys are more well endowed than city boys. How would you like to be one of the city boys who participated in that study?
A private school in Florida is letting students set their own agenda with no teachers, lesson plans or homework. In other news, student enrollment at that school has gone up 97%.
A musical production of “American Psycho” is in the works for a run on Broadway. In fact, Mel Gibson has already sent in an audition tape.
AOL is planning a possible merger with Yahoo!. Apparently these people haven't realized that when you mix crap with crap, it's still crap.
An Australian study says that one in five men approaching 100 still consider sex important. The Australian University credited: the Tasmanian Medical Institute, or T.M.I.
President Obama says the U.S. is facing a new “Sputnik moment” in the world of science. What does that mean? Is Russia beating us again?
A study says that men become nicer after they are married. This study was not conducted by married women.
Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has undergone surgery for a broken nose. Women all across America were excited to hear "Ben Roethlisberger has a broken bone" until they found out it was just his nose.
A study says that organized sports don’t give kids enough exercise. The participants in this study included benchwarmers.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Russia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Russia. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
"Concussion Rates"
Lindsey Lohan's dad is planning to open up a rehab center in California. He's only doing this so Lindsay Lohan gets in free.
Pittsburgh Steeler's Troy Polamalu has insured his long hair for $1 million dollars. It's already worth more than Ben Roethlisberger.
Texas Representative Ron Paul is questioning whether there is any gold at all in Ft. Knox. He first made this assumption when someone compared Ft. Knox to Russia's Olympic medals.
While mass-market retailers have seen revenue drop the past several months, luxury retailers are experiencing high growth. This is what some people like to refer to as, "The United States Economy".
President Obama has embarrassed his older daughter Malia by revealing that she wears braces on her teeth. Malia then embarrassed President Obama by showing him the blank sheet of paper listing all of his accomplishments.
A New Hampshire high school student is suing his shop class teacher for not warning him of the dangers of attaching electrical clamps to his nipples and shocking himself. If you aren't smart enough to know that shocking your nipples is a bad thing, you should probably drop out of high school.
Concussion rates are soaring among younger kids. This must explain their performance in school.
Eating a variety of fruits and vegetables may decrease the risk of some kinds of lung cancer for smokers, according to a study released Monday. Also decreasing the risk of some kinds of lung cancer for smokers: not smoking.
Teachers in Milwaukee are fighting to get Viagra drug coverage back. Gee, I wonder why teachers would need Viagra.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Pittsburgh Steeler's Troy Polamalu has insured his long hair for $1 million dollars. It's already worth more than Ben Roethlisberger.
Texas Representative Ron Paul is questioning whether there is any gold at all in Ft. Knox. He first made this assumption when someone compared Ft. Knox to Russia's Olympic medals.
While mass-market retailers have seen revenue drop the past several months, luxury retailers are experiencing high growth. This is what some people like to refer to as, "The United States Economy".
President Obama has embarrassed his older daughter Malia by revealing that she wears braces on her teeth. Malia then embarrassed President Obama by showing him the blank sheet of paper listing all of his accomplishments.
A New Hampshire high school student is suing his shop class teacher for not warning him of the dangers of attaching electrical clamps to his nipples and shocking himself. If you aren't smart enough to know that shocking your nipples is a bad thing, you should probably drop out of high school.
Concussion rates are soaring among younger kids. This must explain their performance in school.
Eating a variety of fruits and vegetables may decrease the risk of some kinds of lung cancer for smokers, according to a study released Monday. Also decreasing the risk of some kinds of lung cancer for smokers: not smoking.
Teachers in Milwaukee are fighting to get Viagra drug coverage back. Gee, I wonder why teachers would need Viagra.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
"More Likely To Snore"
Joke of the Day: The Los Angeles Lakers defeated the Utah Jazz last night by a score of 111-110. Gosh, I haven't seen this many ones since the Russians were in the Olympics.
Obese children are much more likely to snore than normal weight children, a new study finds. And you thought that obese children were pigs before.
Tiger Woods withdrew from The Players Championship on Sunday with an injury that he fears might be a bulging disk in his upper back. He's also had to withdraw from some major tournaments when he had a bulging disk at his waist.
Oakland Athletics southpaw Dallas Braden pitched a perfect game against the Rays, who were victims of Mark Buehrle's perfect game last year. You know what the Rays and a video game nerd have in common? Neither one can get to first base.
Sorry, but those are the only jokes I have. I can't really do anything because my mouse is working like crap. Obviously more tomorrow!
Obese children are much more likely to snore than normal weight children, a new study finds. And you thought that obese children were pigs before.
Tiger Woods withdrew from The Players Championship on Sunday with an injury that he fears might be a bulging disk in his upper back. He's also had to withdraw from some major tournaments when he had a bulging disk at his waist.
Oakland Athletics southpaw Dallas Braden pitched a perfect game against the Rays, who were victims of Mark Buehrle's perfect game last year. You know what the Rays and a video game nerd have in common? Neither one can get to first base.
Sorry, but those are the only jokes I have. I can't really do anything because my mouse is working like crap. Obviously more tomorrow!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
"A Full Hour In The Gym"
Worried that the American people still do not support the health care overhaul, Pres. Obama will make his case on the road, starting in Iowa. Or, as George Bush calls it, a coast-to-coast trip.
Rosie O’Donnell says she is ready to return to American television. And you thought "The View" couldn't get any worse.
New research suggests that older women need a full hour in the gym if they want to lose weight. They should work out in a gym with a ton of people. The extra weight should run away in embarrassment within the first ten minutes.
A new CW reality series called “Fly Girls” will follow the lives of five Virgin America flight attendants. They should call the show "Yeah, they exist".
In Colorado, the organizers of a group that stole $20,000 worth of baby formula pleaded guilty. The group has been sentenced to an hour-long timeout and a spanking.
Obese children are at increased risk for leg and foot injuries, a new study finds. I disagree 100 percent. How can obese children injure their legs and feet when they never use them?
Miley Cyrus was a voice coach on last night's episode of "American Idol". That's like Oprah Winfrey being a trainer on "The Biggest Loser".
Police say someone has dumped hundreds of breads, bagels and buns along a river in Muncie, Ind. And you thought our government was wasting dough...
Jerry Springer is set to host a new dating show on GSN. It's being called "Friday Night Fights 2".
Toyota has offered to replace the gas pedal in any of their cars if the owner is not satisfied. Here's my question: How can you be unsatisfied with a Toyota gas pedal and live to get a new one?
A Russian math whiz says he may not accept a $1 Million prize for solving a 100 year old problem. Apparently the problem was why you can't spend American money in Russia.
That's it for today! More tomorrow!
Rosie O’Donnell says she is ready to return to American television. And you thought "The View" couldn't get any worse.
New research suggests that older women need a full hour in the gym if they want to lose weight. They should work out in a gym with a ton of people. The extra weight should run away in embarrassment within the first ten minutes.
A new CW reality series called “Fly Girls” will follow the lives of five Virgin America flight attendants. They should call the show "Yeah, they exist".
In Colorado, the organizers of a group that stole $20,000 worth of baby formula pleaded guilty. The group has been sentenced to an hour-long timeout and a spanking.
Obese children are at increased risk for leg and foot injuries, a new study finds. I disagree 100 percent. How can obese children injure their legs and feet when they never use them?
Miley Cyrus was a voice coach on last night's episode of "American Idol". That's like Oprah Winfrey being a trainer on "The Biggest Loser".
Police say someone has dumped hundreds of breads, bagels and buns along a river in Muncie, Ind. And you thought our government was wasting dough...
Jerry Springer is set to host a new dating show on GSN. It's being called "Friday Night Fights 2".
Toyota has offered to replace the gas pedal in any of their cars if the owner is not satisfied. Here's my question: How can you be unsatisfied with a Toyota gas pedal and live to get a new one?
A Russian math whiz says he may not accept a $1 Million prize for solving a 100 year old problem. Apparently the problem was why you can't spend American money in Russia.
That's it for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, March 4, 2010
"A Reality Show For Alaska"
The FAA is investigating an air traffic controller who brought his two children in to work and let them transmit directions to pilots. A pilot would only do that if he was really drunk, and we know that would never happen.
Jay Leno beat David Letterman soundly in his return to the "Tonight Show" with his guest Sarah Palin. Yeah, after the joke about Palin's daughter, I don't think Letterman is ever going to have Sarah Palin as a guest.
McDonald's and Weight Watchers are teaming up to help kids in New Zealand lose weight. Weight Watchers plans to use the slogan, "Eat our food, not theirs".
Scientists wants to give the name "Hella" to a number that is represented by a 1 followed by 27 zeros. Hella is actually the abbreviated version. The long version is "That's one hella number".
Captain "Sully" Sullenberger piloted his final flight on U.S. Airways, from Florida to North Carolina. Passengers were confused when Sully said he would land in the Atlantic Ocean.
Tiger Woods' caddy Steve Williams says he is mad at Tiger over his sex scandal. He added, "Really Tiger, you are much better than that. I mean a Perkins waitress, really?"
A study says that ads trying to get people to stop drinking and driving or stop smoking may have the opposite effect because they use guilt and shame. And a car full of olives and red wine.
Continental Airlines will let passengers buy extra legroom for a $59 fee. In addition, if the passengers pay an extra $20, the stewardesses will steal a laptop from one of the pilots.
New York Gov. David Paterson is accused of accepting free Yankees tickets to the 2009 World Series. Paterson is being sued for $100,000, which coincidentally was the value of one of the tickets.
The head of the Russian Olympic Committee resigned following their worst-ever Winter Olympics showing. That guy should be happy that Joseph Stalin isn't alive. He would have been killed before he could quit.
Sarah Palin is trying to go to the producer of "Survivor" to pitch an idea for a reality show for Alaska. However, wasn't Palin kind of already on "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here: Alaskan Government Edition"?
More than 250 silver coins dating back to the time of Alexander the Great were unearthed in northern Syria. These coins are going to be donated to the disaster relief efforts. That is, our government.
A woman in New Jersey made a snow sculpture of a naked woman, then was forced to clothe it after complaints that it was offensive. After all, the citizens didn't want to tarnish the reputation of New Jersey.
That's it for today, I hope to have better ones tomorrow. I felt I was a little off today.
Jay Leno beat David Letterman soundly in his return to the "Tonight Show" with his guest Sarah Palin. Yeah, after the joke about Palin's daughter, I don't think Letterman is ever going to have Sarah Palin as a guest.
McDonald's and Weight Watchers are teaming up to help kids in New Zealand lose weight. Weight Watchers plans to use the slogan, "Eat our food, not theirs".
Scientists wants to give the name "Hella" to a number that is represented by a 1 followed by 27 zeros. Hella is actually the abbreviated version. The long version is "That's one hella number".
Captain "Sully" Sullenberger piloted his final flight on U.S. Airways, from Florida to North Carolina. Passengers were confused when Sully said he would land in the Atlantic Ocean.
Tiger Woods' caddy Steve Williams says he is mad at Tiger over his sex scandal. He added, "Really Tiger, you are much better than that. I mean a Perkins waitress, really?"
A study says that ads trying to get people to stop drinking and driving or stop smoking may have the opposite effect because they use guilt and shame. And a car full of olives and red wine.
Continental Airlines will let passengers buy extra legroom for a $59 fee. In addition, if the passengers pay an extra $20, the stewardesses will steal a laptop from one of the pilots.
New York Gov. David Paterson is accused of accepting free Yankees tickets to the 2009 World Series. Paterson is being sued for $100,000, which coincidentally was the value of one of the tickets.
The head of the Russian Olympic Committee resigned following their worst-ever Winter Olympics showing. That guy should be happy that Joseph Stalin isn't alive. He would have been killed before he could quit.
Sarah Palin is trying to go to the producer of "Survivor" to pitch an idea for a reality show for Alaska. However, wasn't Palin kind of already on "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here: Alaskan Government Edition"?
More than 250 silver coins dating back to the time of Alexander the Great were unearthed in northern Syria. These coins are going to be donated to the disaster relief efforts. That is, our government.
A woman in New Jersey made a snow sculpture of a naked woman, then was forced to clothe it after complaints that it was offensive. After all, the citizens didn't want to tarnish the reputation of New Jersey.
That's it for today, I hope to have better ones tomorrow. I felt I was a little off today.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
"$27 Million Observation Deck"
Utah is considering eliminating 12th grade for students who finish with the requirements early. One of the requirements makes them fit in with Utah adults and high school students around the country: the boys must have more than one girlfriend.
A study says that doctors on TV medical programs show the wrong responses to medical problems half the times. The study is going to be entitled either "Baywatch" or "Scrubs".
"Joe the Plumber" is turning on John McCain, saying McCain was trying to use him. This would have mattered, you know, in 2008.
Researchers are looking at why people live to be 100. I came up with the conclusion to that study in less than five seconds: they live a healthy lifestyle.
President's Day was yesterday. What better way to celebrate people who do nothing by doing nothing all day?
Astronauts installed a fancy new $27 million observation deck in outer space over the weekend. Russian astronauts installed a telescope, lawn chairs, and a window.
Nearly 109,000 people packed Cowboys Stadium in Dallas Sunday for the NBA All-Star Game. The fans were wondering why the halftime show didn't include Sheryl Crow, Taylor Swift, and Rascal Flatts.
Well, that's all I have for today! More to come tomorrow!
A study says that doctors on TV medical programs show the wrong responses to medical problems half the times. The study is going to be entitled either "Baywatch" or "Scrubs".
"Joe the Plumber" is turning on John McCain, saying McCain was trying to use him. This would have mattered, you know, in 2008.
Researchers are looking at why people live to be 100. I came up with the conclusion to that study in less than five seconds: they live a healthy lifestyle.
President's Day was yesterday. What better way to celebrate people who do nothing by doing nothing all day?
Astronauts installed a fancy new $27 million observation deck in outer space over the weekend. Russian astronauts installed a telescope, lawn chairs, and a window.
Nearly 109,000 people packed Cowboys Stadium in Dallas Sunday for the NBA All-Star Game. The fans were wondering why the halftime show didn't include Sheryl Crow, Taylor Swift, and Rascal Flatts.
Well, that's all I have for today! More to come tomorrow!
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