President Obama is going to appear on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. However, due to major budget cuts at the White House, he will be appearing next week on the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson.
Lindsay Lohan fired her manager. Manager? How about her publicist?
Jamie Moyer, who turns 49 next month, says he hopes to pitch at least one more year. I'd be surprised if he's able to live one more year.
Coldplay was picked by Q Magazine as the best act in the world right now. In other news, Q Magazine has lost 93% of its subscribers.
A study says that the speech patterns of psychopaths give them away. Like when they say, "Winning!".
Smart phone sales are reportedly down for the first time ever. That's because everyone who used to buy them got into car accidents.
Steve Jobs said that Bill Gates was unimaginative and should have taken LSD. How is this guy still talking?
GPS shoes for Alzheimer’s patients will soon be available. We already have something to help Alzheimer's patients get around. It's called a personal assistant.
A study says that playing outdoors makes for better eyesight for children. How could they do this study? No children play outside anymore.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Charlie Sheen. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Charlie Sheen. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Saturday, September 24, 2011
"Asthma Inhalers"
The memoirs of WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange have been published without his approval. Karma's a bitch, isn't it?
A Ukrainian man won a dumpling eating contest by eating ten dumplings in half a minute and then died. I have to ask; how bad was the cook?
Michigan congressman Thaddeus McCotter has dropped out of the presidential race. He would have run, but even he didn't know who he was.
Scientists say they have discovered particles that move faster than the speed of light. It's a Jew with a coupon. (Cowritten by my buddy Josef Pevsner)
Asthma inhalers are being phased out by the government to protect the ozone layer. That's right. Our government prefers the environment to its own people.
Florida Marlins reliever Leo Nunez has been suspended for playing under a false identity. "Why would anybody do that," said Charlie Sheen, aka Carlos Estevez.
A report says that the federal government pays dead employees $120 Million a year. Wasteful government spending my ass!
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A Ukrainian man won a dumpling eating contest by eating ten dumplings in half a minute and then died. I have to ask; how bad was the cook?
Michigan congressman Thaddeus McCotter has dropped out of the presidential race. He would have run, but even he didn't know who he was.
Scientists say they have discovered particles that move faster than the speed of light. It's a Jew with a coupon. (Cowritten by my buddy Josef Pevsner)
Asthma inhalers are being phased out by the government to protect the ozone layer. That's right. Our government prefers the environment to its own people.
Florida Marlins reliever Leo Nunez has been suspended for playing under a false identity. "Why would anybody do that," said Charlie Sheen, aka Carlos Estevez.
A report says that the federal government pays dead employees $120 Million a year. Wasteful government spending my ass!
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
"McDonald's Wipeouts"
An Xbox addict died after a marathon session from developing a blood clot from sitting so long without moving. His last words were, "What does a vagina feel like?".
Lindsay Lohan reportedly fell down while partying with Paris Hilton. That's weird. Usually, Paris is the one on her knees.
Jerry Lewis slammed contestants on “American Idol” for being “McDonald’s wipeouts”. He certainly hit the nail on the head, didn't he, Kelly Clarkson?
Randy Moss retired from the NFL after 13 seasons. He holds the single season record for touchdowns, as well as the all time record in fines.
Muhammad Ali wrote a letter to the people of Norway expressing sadness regarding the recent Oslo massacre. At least he tried to.
A Dunkin' Donuts employee was arrested for prostitution on the job. I knew something was up when I bought two muffins and they cost $250 an hour.
A new website in Germany allows you to rate your priest. We already have that in America. It's called Craigslist.
A Saudi billionaire is going to build the world tallest tower. He signed a 4.6 billion dollar contract with Bin Laden Group to build a giant tower. What could possibly go wrong?
“Two and a Half Men” will open the new season with a funeral for Charlie Sheen’s character and having killing him off. And after that, a real life funeral will be held for his career.
All 50 states had record high temperatures during July. If only the Heat were this effective during the NBA Finals.
A study says there are 14 different types of noses. The most annoying of them is a brown nose.
That's all I have for today! Man, I feel like I was on a roll writing these jokes. I hope you like them as much as I did. Anyway, more tomorrow!
Lindsay Lohan reportedly fell down while partying with Paris Hilton. That's weird. Usually, Paris is the one on her knees.
Jerry Lewis slammed contestants on “American Idol” for being “McDonald’s wipeouts”. He certainly hit the nail on the head, didn't he, Kelly Clarkson?
Randy Moss retired from the NFL after 13 seasons. He holds the single season record for touchdowns, as well as the all time record in fines.
Muhammad Ali wrote a letter to the people of Norway expressing sadness regarding the recent Oslo massacre. At least he tried to.
A Dunkin' Donuts employee was arrested for prostitution on the job. I knew something was up when I bought two muffins and they cost $250 an hour.
A new website in Germany allows you to rate your priest. We already have that in America. It's called Craigslist.
A Saudi billionaire is going to build the world tallest tower. He signed a 4.6 billion dollar contract with Bin Laden Group to build a giant tower. What could possibly go wrong?
“Two and a Half Men” will open the new season with a funeral for Charlie Sheen’s character and having killing him off. And after that, a real life funeral will be held for his career.
All 50 states had record high temperatures during July. If only the Heat were this effective during the NBA Finals.
A study says there are 14 different types of noses. The most annoying of them is a brown nose.
That's all I have for today! Man, I feel like I was on a roll writing these jokes. I hope you like them as much as I did. Anyway, more tomorrow!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
"Environmental Literacy"
General Mills reported that its 4th quarter profits rose 51%. In other words, General Mills is a polar opposite of LeBron James.
June 30 is National Handshake Day. Or as people that meet Anthony Weiner call it, "Just Wave Hello Day".
Charlie Sheen says he took steroids for 6 or 8 weeks during the filming of the 1989 movie “Major League”. Seriously, what drug hasn't this guy taken?
Turtles crossing a runway at JFK International Airport in New York caused flight delays. Have you ever been on the runway at an airport? The airplanes ARE the turtles.
A man is blaming Jerry Seinfeld and the show “The Marriage Ref” for breaking up his marriage. I blame the man for taking advice from Jerry Seinfeld.
Maryland schools are adding environmental literacy to their graduation requirements. Environmental literacy; isn't that called "science class"?
Norma Lyon, the butter sculptor for Iowa State Fair, has died at age 81. She will be buried on the shelf of her refrigerator.
Chicago has adopted a new tourism slogan, “Second to none”. I think "Second to last" sounds more appropriate.
That's all I have for today! Well, this was my 400th post! Yay me! And personally, I think this was a good bunch of jokes for an anniversary post like this. Anyway, more tomorrow!
June 30 is National Handshake Day. Or as people that meet Anthony Weiner call it, "Just Wave Hello Day".
Charlie Sheen says he took steroids for 6 or 8 weeks during the filming of the 1989 movie “Major League”. Seriously, what drug hasn't this guy taken?
Turtles crossing a runway at JFK International Airport in New York caused flight delays. Have you ever been on the runway at an airport? The airplanes ARE the turtles.
A man is blaming Jerry Seinfeld and the show “The Marriage Ref” for breaking up his marriage. I blame the man for taking advice from Jerry Seinfeld.
Maryland schools are adding environmental literacy to their graduation requirements. Environmental literacy; isn't that called "science class"?
Norma Lyon, the butter sculptor for Iowa State Fair, has died at age 81. She will be buried on the shelf of her refrigerator.
Chicago has adopted a new tourism slogan, “Second to none”. I think "Second to last" sounds more appropriate.
That's all I have for today! Well, this was my 400th post! Yay me! And personally, I think this was a good bunch of jokes for an anniversary post like this. Anyway, more tomorrow!
Monday, April 11, 2011
"Off The Air"
Former Olympic gold medalist Carl Lewis is going to run for the New Jersey state senate. I think he's going to win, because we all know how good Carl Lewis is at running.
There are reports of a 103 year old judge in Kansas that is still hearing cases. Barely hearing them.
The Philippines' most popular TV game show was pulled off the air because the host let a crying 6-year-old boy mimic a striptease dancer. Even worse, the host of the show was Chris Hanson of Dateline NBC.
Actress Reese Witherspoon says that she misses her privacy. This quote was gathered and verified by 42 secret audio tapes hidden inside her house.
Rutgers University now wants singer Bruce Springsteen to give a speech at their college. First Snooki, and now Bruce Springsteen. Who's next? Charlie Sheen?
The escaped New York cobra has been named "Mia", which stands for "missing in action". Or how about "Pia", because it disappeared when people didn't want it to.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
There are reports of a 103 year old judge in Kansas that is still hearing cases. Barely hearing them.
The Philippines' most popular TV game show was pulled off the air because the host let a crying 6-year-old boy mimic a striptease dancer. Even worse, the host of the show was Chris Hanson of Dateline NBC.
Actress Reese Witherspoon says that she misses her privacy. This quote was gathered and verified by 42 secret audio tapes hidden inside her house.
Rutgers University now wants singer Bruce Springsteen to give a speech at their college. First Snooki, and now Bruce Springsteen. Who's next? Charlie Sheen?
The escaped New York cobra has been named "Mia", which stands for "missing in action". Or how about "Pia", because it disappeared when people didn't want it to.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
"Signature Phrases"
A New York congressman received a bloody pig’s foot in the mail. Nobody does that. No, I'm not talking about sending a bloody pig's foot. I'm talking about the fact that nobody checks their mail anymore.
Katie Couric is reportedly leaving the anchor’s chair of the CBS Nightly News. It's the first time any CBS employee has been able to leave a chair in ten years.
Researchers say the brain of a food addict reacts the same way anticipating a milkshake as a drug addict’s brain anticipates drugs. They are also the only things that get fat people and druggies off the couch.
Bristol Palin was paid $262,000 in 2009 for her work in discouraging teen pregnancy and encouraging abstinence. This is a classic case of "practice what you preach" gone completely wrong.
Charlie Sheen has applied to trademark twenty-two of the signature phrases for which he’s become known. Not among them: "It burns when I pee".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Katie Couric is reportedly leaving the anchor’s chair of the CBS Nightly News. It's the first time any CBS employee has been able to leave a chair in ten years.
Researchers say the brain of a food addict reacts the same way anticipating a milkshake as a drug addict’s brain anticipates drugs. They are also the only things that get fat people and druggies off the couch.
Bristol Palin was paid $262,000 in 2009 for her work in discouraging teen pregnancy and encouraging abstinence. This is a classic case of "practice what you preach" gone completely wrong.
Charlie Sheen has applied to trademark twenty-two of the signature phrases for which he’s become known. Not among them: "It burns when I pee".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, April 4, 2011
"A Bookless Library"
President Obama said that he is officially running for President in 2012. Obama is hoping that Oprah endorses him again, and he hopes that his opponent is Sarah Palin.
Charlie Sheen was booed off the stage in Detroit at the opening of his 20-city “Violent Torpedo of Truth” tour. He wasn't even on the stage for Two and a Half Seconds.
Oakland Raiders receiver Louis Murphy was arrested on Sunday morning for possession of Viagra without a valid prescription. For something like this, I would expect some very stiff penalties.
Newport Beach, California is considering a bookless library. Maybe these city officials should get a dictionary and look up the word "library".
Florida lawmakers are considering a plan that would allow NASCAR fans to have their urns placed at Daytona International Speedway after they are cremated. All the graves will be marked "Yeah, I'm officially a redneck".
A new study says that cases of "flattened head" babies are on the rise. No, that evil baby genius from Family Guy doesn't count.
Texas Instruments Inc. is buying National Semiconductor for $6.5 billion in a marriage of two of the world's premier makers of analog chips. If you got excited about this news story, you're probably single.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
*This post is dedicated to Karen Barach, the late wife of my comedy writing friend Jim Barach. She died early this morning. Best wishes to the Barach family.
Charlie Sheen was booed off the stage in Detroit at the opening of his 20-city “Violent Torpedo of Truth” tour. He wasn't even on the stage for Two and a Half Seconds.
Oakland Raiders receiver Louis Murphy was arrested on Sunday morning for possession of Viagra without a valid prescription. For something like this, I would expect some very stiff penalties.
Newport Beach, California is considering a bookless library. Maybe these city officials should get a dictionary and look up the word "library".
Florida lawmakers are considering a plan that would allow NASCAR fans to have their urns placed at Daytona International Speedway after they are cremated. All the graves will be marked "Yeah, I'm officially a redneck".
A new study says that cases of "flattened head" babies are on the rise. No, that evil baby genius from Family Guy doesn't count.
Texas Instruments Inc. is buying National Semiconductor for $6.5 billion in a marriage of two of the world's premier makers of analog chips. If you got excited about this news story, you're probably single.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
*This post is dedicated to Karen Barach, the late wife of my comedy writing friend Jim Barach. She died early this morning. Best wishes to the Barach family.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
"Personal Use"
A new study says that sex can trigger heart attacks in people who rarely have it. In a related story, I just bought a defibrillator.
Singer Chris Brown trashed his dressing room and broke a window at “Good Morning America” after he was asked about his attack on Rihanna. It looks like Charlie Sheen taught him well.
On Monday night’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live”, Charlie Sheen burst on stage and kissed Kimmel on the lips. And who says he's not crazy?
An Office Max survey says that 56% of workers take office supplies home for personal use. I'm just thankful that this wasn't a survey for people working at a sex shop.
A new study says that menthol cigarettes aren't worse than regular cigarettes when it comes to the risk of lung cancer. How about not smoking at all?
A new study says that pimples, low self-esteem, and depression are linked. This is called "being a teenager".
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Singer Chris Brown trashed his dressing room and broke a window at “Good Morning America” after he was asked about his attack on Rihanna. It looks like Charlie Sheen taught him well.
On Monday night’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live”, Charlie Sheen burst on stage and kissed Kimmel on the lips. And who says he's not crazy?
An Office Max survey says that 56% of workers take office supplies home for personal use. I'm just thankful that this wasn't a survey for people working at a sex shop.
A new study says that menthol cigarettes aren't worse than regular cigarettes when it comes to the risk of lung cancer. How about not smoking at all?
A new study says that pimples, low self-esteem, and depression are linked. This is called "being a teenager".
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
"Abducted By Aliens"
Tuesday is International Goof-Off Day. I plan to celebrate by doing nothing.
The Nuclear Regulatory Commission says US nuclear reactors are safe. Unfortunately, they said that in Japan, too.
Rocker Sammy Hagar says he was abducted by aliens. Of course, it was a misunderstanding. He tried to say that he was the singer for Van Halen.
The star of ABC’s “The Bachelor”, Brad Womack, was rushed to a Texas hospital. Please tell me that they're going to put him to sleep.
A San Antonio man fired shots at a Taco Bell because the price of its Beefy Crunch Tacos rose from 99 cents to $1.49. And you thought the speeding bullet at Taco Bell was the food going through your digestive system.
A 400 pound Sumo wrestler finished the L.A. Marathon in 9 hours. I knew he was coming when I saw the trail of sweat on the ground.
CBS reportedly wants Charlie Sheen to come back to “Two and a Half Men”. CBS now stands for "Complete Bull Shit".
A survey by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation says the wealthiest people are concerned about being ungrateful, having bratty children and failing to meet expectations. So, like Charlie Sheen.
A study shows that more men are undergoing plastic surgery. When they are finished, the doctors say, "He/she looks fantastic".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
The Nuclear Regulatory Commission says US nuclear reactors are safe. Unfortunately, they said that in Japan, too.
Rocker Sammy Hagar says he was abducted by aliens. Of course, it was a misunderstanding. He tried to say that he was the singer for Van Halen.
The star of ABC’s “The Bachelor”, Brad Womack, was rushed to a Texas hospital. Please tell me that they're going to put him to sleep.
A San Antonio man fired shots at a Taco Bell because the price of its Beefy Crunch Tacos rose from 99 cents to $1.49. And you thought the speeding bullet at Taco Bell was the food going through your digestive system.
A 400 pound Sumo wrestler finished the L.A. Marathon in 9 hours. I knew he was coming when I saw the trail of sweat on the ground.
CBS reportedly wants Charlie Sheen to come back to “Two and a Half Men”. CBS now stands for "Complete Bull Shit".
A survey by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation says the wealthiest people are concerned about being ungrateful, having bratty children and failing to meet expectations. So, like Charlie Sheen.
A study shows that more men are undergoing plastic surgery. When they are finished, the doctors say, "He/she looks fantastic".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, March 19, 2011
"Common Forgetfulness"
A poll says 37% of Americans believe the economy will get worse in the next year. How could the economy get worse when it's already hit rock bottom?
A California man sentenced to jail smuggled in a cell phone, MP3 player, marijuana, tobacco and $140 in his rectum. And that was only the second weirdest thing to be in his butt all day.
Bret Michaels says he taught Charlie Sheen how to trash a hotel room. Is it really that hard to figure out?
Scottish scientists are set to launch a study on what causes common forgetfulness. I think that it's... wait, what was I just talking about?
Tonight’s full Moon will be the biggest in appearance in the past 18 years as the moon will be unusually close to the Earth. Scientists say it is the biggest moon they've ever seen since the last episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
406 pound Sumo wrestler Kelly Gneiting says he hopes to become the heaviest man to ever finish a Marathon race. At that weight, he'd be lucky to run 26.2 feet.
Wal-Mart stores in California have reached a goal of sending only 20% of their waste to landfills. You know what I call trash at Wal-Mart? The greeter.
Japanese officials said that they have found radiation in their spinach. Hey, at least nobody in America is going to be affected by this.
President Obama said that if Libyan President Moammar Qaddafi does not stop killing his own people, there will be consequences. For instance, U.S. officials are going to send Qaddafi to Japan without any clothes.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A California man sentenced to jail smuggled in a cell phone, MP3 player, marijuana, tobacco and $140 in his rectum. And that was only the second weirdest thing to be in his butt all day.
Bret Michaels says he taught Charlie Sheen how to trash a hotel room. Is it really that hard to figure out?
Scottish scientists are set to launch a study on what causes common forgetfulness. I think that it's... wait, what was I just talking about?
Tonight’s full Moon will be the biggest in appearance in the past 18 years as the moon will be unusually close to the Earth. Scientists say it is the biggest moon they've ever seen since the last episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
406 pound Sumo wrestler Kelly Gneiting says he hopes to become the heaviest man to ever finish a Marathon race. At that weight, he'd be lucky to run 26.2 feet.
Wal-Mart stores in California have reached a goal of sending only 20% of their waste to landfills. You know what I call trash at Wal-Mart? The greeter.
Japanese officials said that they have found radiation in their spinach. Hey, at least nobody in America is going to be affected by this.
President Obama said that if Libyan President Moammar Qaddafi does not stop killing his own people, there will be consequences. For instance, U.S. officials are going to send Qaddafi to Japan without any clothes.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
"Wild Partying"
Today is St. Patrick's Day, a day of wild partying, binge drinking, and thinking you are extremely lucky. Or, as Charlie Sheen calls it, Thursday.
Hillary Clinton says she will not serve a a second term as Secretary of State or run for President again. Good.
A New York woman is suing a preschool for her $19,000 a year tuition, saying the school was not preparing her four year old daughter for a top tier college. What? Were the naps not long enough?
A study says that talking on cell phones while crossing the street can be dangerous for elderly people. Crossing the street for elderly people is dangerous period.
Kelly Clarkson’s new album will be delayed for a few months. In response, I said, "What's the bad news?".
Michael Flatley will release an album where he plays the flute. The album is called "Michael Flutely".
L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling admitted he wasn’t familiar with the Hall of Fame playing career of Elgin Baylor when he hired him. I mean, who else on the Clippers knows what the Hall of Fame is.
Tiger Woods says he thinks he is still the best golfer in the world. At his own video game, maybe.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Hillary Clinton says she will not serve a a second term as Secretary of State or run for President again. Good.
A New York woman is suing a preschool for her $19,000 a year tuition, saying the school was not preparing her four year old daughter for a top tier college. What? Were the naps not long enough?
A study says that talking on cell phones while crossing the street can be dangerous for elderly people. Crossing the street for elderly people is dangerous period.
Kelly Clarkson’s new album will be delayed for a few months. In response, I said, "What's the bad news?".
Michael Flatley will release an album where he plays the flute. The album is called "Michael Flutely".
L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling admitted he wasn’t familiar with the Hall of Fame playing career of Elgin Baylor when he hired him. I mean, who else on the Clippers knows what the Hall of Fame is.
Tiger Woods says he thinks he is still the best golfer in the world. At his own video game, maybe.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
"Lost An Eye"
A UK hospital is treating a three year old for alcoholism. Hey Bieber, quit the partying.
A renovated train station in Delaware is being named after Vice President Joe Biden. Because if I want to go to any train station, it's the one named after a train wreck.
The U.S. has passed France as the biggest wine consuming nation. When he heard about this, Charlie Sheen said, "You're welcome".
Joan Rivers and Howard Stern are coming to the defense of Gilbert Gottfried, who was fired as spokesman for Aflac after sending inappropriate messages on Twitter. Because when you need to count on two people that know what to say and when, those people are Joan Rivers and Howard Stern.
Cincinnati Bengals WR Chad Ochocinco is going to try out for an MLS soccer team. He shouldn't be a goalie, mainly because balls that comes near him goes right through his hands.
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, who is 74 years old, said that he is too old to have had all the sexual encounters he is accused of having by Italian prosecutors. In response, 84-year old Hugh Hefner said, "Ok, what's your next excuse?".
Atlanta Braves minor league manager Luis Salazar has lost an eye after he was struck in the face by a line drive. Considering the bandages he might need, wouldn't he be a good coach for the Pirates?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A renovated train station in Delaware is being named after Vice President Joe Biden. Because if I want to go to any train station, it's the one named after a train wreck.
The U.S. has passed France as the biggest wine consuming nation. When he heard about this, Charlie Sheen said, "You're welcome".
Joan Rivers and Howard Stern are coming to the defense of Gilbert Gottfried, who was fired as spokesman for Aflac after sending inappropriate messages on Twitter. Because when you need to count on two people that know what to say and when, those people are Joan Rivers and Howard Stern.
Cincinnati Bengals WR Chad Ochocinco is going to try out for an MLS soccer team. He shouldn't be a goalie, mainly because balls that comes near him goes right through his hands.
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, who is 74 years old, said that he is too old to have had all the sexual encounters he is accused of having by Italian prosecutors. In response, 84-year old Hugh Hefner said, "Ok, what's your next excuse?".
Atlanta Braves minor league manager Luis Salazar has lost an eye after he was struck in the face by a line drive. Considering the bandages he might need, wouldn't he be a good coach for the Pirates?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
"Tasteless Jokes"
AFLAC fired the voice of their TV duck, comedian Gilbert Gottfried, for making tasteless jokes about Japan on Twitter. You didn't hear about it? Ask about it at work.
Hospitals are starting to offer ERs for the elderly. Aren't those called "nursing homes"?
Europeans on average pay about double what Americans pay for gasoline. Of course, their spending evens out because they pay nothing for personal hygiene products.
A study says that a stressful job can be worse than no job at all. Now I know why Charlie Sheen wanted to leave "Two and a Half Men".
An Australian teen had to cancel her sixteenth birthday party after more than 200,000 people said that they would show up. Dozens of the guests are not middle-aged perverts.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Hospitals are starting to offer ERs for the elderly. Aren't those called "nursing homes"?
Europeans on average pay about double what Americans pay for gasoline. Of course, their spending evens out because they pay nothing for personal hygiene products.
A study says that a stressful job can be worse than no job at all. Now I know why Charlie Sheen wanted to leave "Two and a Half Men".
An Australian teen had to cancel her sixteenth birthday party after more than 200,000 people said that they would show up. Dozens of the guests are not middle-aged perverts.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, March 11, 2011
"Airplane Restrooms"
Donald Trump says he is serious about a run for President in 2012. Hey, Sarah Palin may have a shot now.
A California home was found to have 110 cats living with the owners in a 900 square foot space. Middle-aged single women everywhere are thinking, "That's it?".
GM financial chief Chris Liddell has resigned after about a year on the job. The financial chief for GM was about as successful last year as the gas pedal inspector for Toyota.
The FAA says that emergency oxygen will no longer be available in airplane restrooms. It's alright; most people hold their breath in airplane restrooms anyway.
A study identifies the top ten habits that will kill a relationship. Number one: telling people you used to be on Two and a Half Men.
A Chicago marathon runner is training for a race later this month by eating all his meals at McDonald’s. He already has a spot on his mantle for his last place trophy.
Women who drink a daily dose of coffee have a lower risk of stroke. I guess Grandma is healthier than you thought.
Coffee prices are soaring as the climate in South America is warming and hurting crops. You know what Starbucks calls soaring coffee prices? Business as usual.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A California home was found to have 110 cats living with the owners in a 900 square foot space. Middle-aged single women everywhere are thinking, "That's it?".
GM financial chief Chris Liddell has resigned after about a year on the job. The financial chief for GM was about as successful last year as the gas pedal inspector for Toyota.
The FAA says that emergency oxygen will no longer be available in airplane restrooms. It's alright; most people hold their breath in airplane restrooms anyway.
A study identifies the top ten habits that will kill a relationship. Number one: telling people you used to be on Two and a Half Men.
A Chicago marathon runner is training for a race later this month by eating all his meals at McDonald’s. He already has a spot on his mantle for his last place trophy.
Women who drink a daily dose of coffee have a lower risk of stroke. I guess Grandma is healthier than you thought.
Coffee prices are soaring as the climate in South America is warming and hurting crops. You know what Starbucks calls soaring coffee prices? Business as usual.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
"310-975-5732"
A new app filters out all Internet news about Charlie Sheen. The app is called "Losing".
Millions of dead fish have been washing up on the beaches of Redondo Beach, California. Upon hearing this news, Long John Silver's went to Redondo Beach with nets and empty trucks.
A New York woman was caught with $170,000 hidden in her underwear at JFK International. Aren't men usually the ones that stuff their underwear?
Charlie Sheen's phone number has been released online. The actual number is 310-975-5732. And hookers everywhere said, "I know. I have it on SpeedDial."
Statistics show that the happiest person in the U.S. is a composite of a tall Asian male, 65 or older who lives in Hawaii and is married with an income of $120,000 a year or more. The least happy person in the U.S. is the person who is being forced to watch Charlie Sheen news coverage against their will.
New York Mets pitcher Oliver Perez is now headed to their bullpen. Why send this guy to a place with a choking hazard?
Rapper 50 Cent has been linked to performing for Moammar Qaddafi, and has donated money for the cause. Exactly how much did he donate? I think around one-half of a dollar.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Millions of dead fish have been washing up on the beaches of Redondo Beach, California. Upon hearing this news, Long John Silver's went to Redondo Beach with nets and empty trucks.
A New York woman was caught with $170,000 hidden in her underwear at JFK International. Aren't men usually the ones that stuff their underwear?
Charlie Sheen's phone number has been released online. The actual number is 310-975-5732. And hookers everywhere said, "I know. I have it on SpeedDial."
Statistics show that the happiest person in the U.S. is a composite of a tall Asian male, 65 or older who lives in Hawaii and is married with an income of $120,000 a year or more. The least happy person in the U.S. is the person who is being forced to watch Charlie Sheen news coverage against their will.
New York Mets pitcher Oliver Perez is now headed to their bullpen. Why send this guy to a place with a choking hazard?
Rapper 50 Cent has been linked to performing for Moammar Qaddafi, and has donated money for the cause. Exactly how much did he donate? I think around one-half of a dollar.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
"Praying For Charlie Sheen"
The Chicago Cubs have already committed 14 errors so far this spring training. Actually, it's fifteen errors, if you count the fact that they are even trying.
Charlie Sheen was fired from “Two and a Half Men” by Warner Brothers. Now, Jon Cryer and Angus T. Jones are going to team up and create a spinoff called "Two Men".
A Romanian woman has become the world’s youngest grandmother at age 23. Why stop there? Add a transvestite hooker and a fat chick and you've got yourself an episode of "Jerry Springer".
Research says as many as a half million American teenagers have eating disorders. That is, if you don't include eating way too much as a disorder.
Gary Busey says he is praying for Charlie Sheen. I think that right there is enough to sober him up.
A California home was lifted by 300 balloons to a height of 10,000 feet. Man, the ways our government forecloses homes are getting really bizarre.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Charlie Sheen was fired from “Two and a Half Men” by Warner Brothers. Now, Jon Cryer and Angus T. Jones are going to team up and create a spinoff called "Two Men".
A Romanian woman has become the world’s youngest grandmother at age 23. Why stop there? Add a transvestite hooker and a fat chick and you've got yourself an episode of "Jerry Springer".
Research says as many as a half million American teenagers have eating disorders. That is, if you don't include eating way too much as a disorder.
Gary Busey says he is praying for Charlie Sheen. I think that right there is enough to sober him up.
A California home was lifted by 300 balloons to a height of 10,000 feet. Man, the ways our government forecloses homes are getting really bizarre.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, March 7, 2011
"Gay Mardi Gras"
This is National Procrastination Week. The celebration is five minutes from now, no matter when you read this.
A new government survey says fewer teens and young adults are having pre-marital sex. To that I say, you're welcome.
Activists in San Francisco are trying to pass a law that would make male circumcision illegal there. The law is called "Keep the tip".
A study says that people make better decisions when their bladders are full. Of course, 99% of the time, that decision is to go to the bathroom.
Sydney, Australia is holding their annual Gay Mardi Gras. It's just like regular Mardi Gras, except when women lift their shirts, the men say, "Eww, gross".
Los Angeles has banned smoking even at outdoor dining areas. Now, the only thing in LA going up in smoke is Charlie Sheen's career.
A new microscope can help people see smaller objects than ever. The only thing that can't be seen in the microscope: my chances at getting a girlfriend.
A scientist for NASA has found evidence of alien life. In fact, their home planet is called "Los Angeles".
That's all I have for right now! More later!
A new government survey says fewer teens and young adults are having pre-marital sex. To that I say, you're welcome.
Activists in San Francisco are trying to pass a law that would make male circumcision illegal there. The law is called "Keep the tip".
A study says that people make better decisions when their bladders are full. Of course, 99% of the time, that decision is to go to the bathroom.
Sydney, Australia is holding their annual Gay Mardi Gras. It's just like regular Mardi Gras, except when women lift their shirts, the men say, "Eww, gross".
Los Angeles has banned smoking even at outdoor dining areas. Now, the only thing in LA going up in smoke is Charlie Sheen's career.
A new microscope can help people see smaller objects than ever. The only thing that can't be seen in the microscope: my chances at getting a girlfriend.
A scientist for NASA has found evidence of alien life. In fact, their home planet is called "Los Angeles".
That's all I have for right now! More later!
Friday, March 4, 2011
"National Grammar Day"
Friday is National Grammar Day. I be celebratin' later tonight.
National Geographic Magazine says the most typical person in the world is a 28-year-old Chinese man. Great, so the typical person in the world sucks at driving.
Northwestern University is investigating a psychology professor who allowed a couple to have sex in front of a class of students. It wasn't a problem until fat people got involved.
BYU center Brandon Davies was suspended for the rest of the season for having sex. If this rule applied to the NBA, it would no longer exist.
Charlie Sheen paid $6,500 back in 1996 to buy all the left field bleacher seats at an Angels game to try to guarantee catching a home run ball. He should go to Wrigley Field and do that. There is guaranteed to hit a home run there every game. Of course, all of them are by the visiting team.
A government survey says there is a segment of the population that are over 40 and still virgins. We know, government. Steve Carell was in a movie about that.
New Jersey governor Chris Christie called Illinois governor Pat Quinn "a disaster". If Quinn is a disaster, then what does that make his predecessor, Rod Blagojevich?
The government has announced that they are cutting government programs that they are cutting redundant porgrams. My personal favorite was the Health Care Department of Health Care.
A report says that the crime rate on Twitter was up 20% last year. Expect that number to increase now that Charlie Sheen has registered.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
National Geographic Magazine says the most typical person in the world is a 28-year-old Chinese man. Great, so the typical person in the world sucks at driving.
Northwestern University is investigating a psychology professor who allowed a couple to have sex in front of a class of students. It wasn't a problem until fat people got involved.
BYU center Brandon Davies was suspended for the rest of the season for having sex. If this rule applied to the NBA, it would no longer exist.
Charlie Sheen paid $6,500 back in 1996 to buy all the left field bleacher seats at an Angels game to try to guarantee catching a home run ball. He should go to Wrigley Field and do that. There is guaranteed to hit a home run there every game. Of course, all of them are by the visiting team.
A government survey says there is a segment of the population that are over 40 and still virgins. We know, government. Steve Carell was in a movie about that.
New Jersey governor Chris Christie called Illinois governor Pat Quinn "a disaster". If Quinn is a disaster, then what does that make his predecessor, Rod Blagojevich?
The government has announced that they are cutting government programs that they are cutting redundant porgrams. My personal favorite was the Health Care Department of Health Care.
A report says that the crime rate on Twitter was up 20% last year. Expect that number to increase now that Charlie Sheen has registered.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
"More Famous Than Obama"
Charlie Sheen wants to make a feature film. Too bad "Despicable Me" is already taken.
Supporting Charlie Sheen, Twilight’s Robert Pattinson said, “I like crazy people who don’t give a f*ck.” It looks like Moammar Qaddafi has a supporter.
Kim Kardashian released her first song. The strange part: Sir Mix A Lot wanted to be in it.
Charlie Sheen says he is “more famous than Obama”. I never thought I'd find the one person more hated by FOX News than President Obama.
A new translation of the Catholic Bible substitutes the phrase “young woman” for “virgin”. Then, the Catholics saw "16 and Pregnant" and said, "Uh, never mind".
A study says that men taking aspirin and other pain relievers are more prone to having sexual problems. Well that ought to take care of that headache.
Researchers say that a third of obese and half of overweight patients are never told they have a weight problem by their doctor. Is it that hard to determine by yourself?
The Brain Store, a retail outlet in Chicago, sells items to help people keep their brains sharp to ward off dementia. A place where people help you keep your brain sharp; isn't that called "school"?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Supporting Charlie Sheen, Twilight’s Robert Pattinson said, “I like crazy people who don’t give a f*ck.” It looks like Moammar Qaddafi has a supporter.
Kim Kardashian released her first song. The strange part: Sir Mix A Lot wanted to be in it.
Charlie Sheen says he is “more famous than Obama”. I never thought I'd find the one person more hated by FOX News than President Obama.
A new translation of the Catholic Bible substitutes the phrase “young woman” for “virgin”. Then, the Catholics saw "16 and Pregnant" and said, "Uh, never mind".
A study says that men taking aspirin and other pain relievers are more prone to having sexual problems. Well that ought to take care of that headache.
Researchers say that a third of obese and half of overweight patients are never told they have a weight problem by their doctor. Is it that hard to determine by yourself?
The Brain Store, a retail outlet in Chicago, sells items to help people keep their brains sharp to ward off dementia. A place where people help you keep your brain sharp; isn't that called "school"?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
"Relaxed And Smart"
Oscar’s co-host actress Anne Hathaway described her evening as “an amazing experience”. Viewers of the Oscars will certainly beg to differ.
Google has confirmed they’ve had experienced missing emails from some Gmail accounts. And at least three of them didn't say that we had a hard time getting erections.
Entertainment Weekly said Anne Hathaway and James Franco were "marvelous" calling them "funny, poised, relaxed, and smart." Five things people have never called me.
Charlie Sheen, who is the highest paid actor in television, wants a raise. Well who could blame him?
Former coach Bobby Knight will be inducted into the National Collegiate Basketball Hall of Fame. Someone better check out that speech of his.
Baron Davis will wear number 85 on his jersey with the Cleveland Cavaliers. He better not change his name to Ochocinco.
Bernard Madoff says the government’s financial reform is a joke and that the government is just a Ponzi scheme. And then he said, "But enough about my business strategy".
Charlie Sheen’s publicity agent has resigned. His reason for quitting: his workload was too much.
A sociologist says that hookers are going to Facebook to find clients since the crackdown on Craigslist. When speaking of their methodology, he said, "It's complicated".
An Alabama man accidentally shot himself, and then his wife was shot by their small child who picked up the gun. And they were still Alabama's "Family of the Year".
Charlie Sheen says he is tired of pretending he isn’t a rock star from Mars. Maybe it was a bad idea for his publicist to resign.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Google has confirmed they’ve had experienced missing emails from some Gmail accounts. And at least three of them didn't say that we had a hard time getting erections.
Entertainment Weekly said Anne Hathaway and James Franco were "marvelous" calling them "funny, poised, relaxed, and smart." Five things people have never called me.
Charlie Sheen, who is the highest paid actor in television, wants a raise. Well who could blame him?
Former coach Bobby Knight will be inducted into the National Collegiate Basketball Hall of Fame. Someone better check out that speech of his.
Baron Davis will wear number 85 on his jersey with the Cleveland Cavaliers. He better not change his name to Ochocinco.
Bernard Madoff says the government’s financial reform is a joke and that the government is just a Ponzi scheme. And then he said, "But enough about my business strategy".
Charlie Sheen’s publicity agent has resigned. His reason for quitting: his workload was too much.
A sociologist says that hookers are going to Facebook to find clients since the crackdown on Craigslist. When speaking of their methodology, he said, "It's complicated".
An Alabama man accidentally shot himself, and then his wife was shot by their small child who picked up the gun. And they were still Alabama's "Family of the Year".
Charlie Sheen says he is tired of pretending he isn’t a rock star from Mars. Maybe it was a bad idea for his publicist to resign.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
