A study says that dieting forces the brain to eat itself. No wonder the Situation has a six pack.
Ashton Kutcher will reportedly play a broken hearted billionaire on “Two and a Half Men”. So what? Donald Trump has played that character in real life. Three times.
A study says that laughing out loud triggers a decline in lung function for people with lung disease. This explains why I was booked as the comic for the annual Smokers convention.
A woman accused of breaking into Alex Trebek’s hotel room could get a life sentence. The crime: making Trebek reveal that he sleeps naked.
Kim Kardashian’s wedding will be featured as a four hour special on E! That's one hour for every person that gives a crap.
The Bank of New York is now charging its wealthy clients to hold large sums of money for them. This is expected to affect as many as three people in New York.
A survey says that one third of adults would give up sex for a week rather than their cell phone. Of course, if I gave up my cell phone, I'd have neither.
A mayor in New Mexico says he was drunk when he signed several contracts with an architectural firm from California. Hopefully he signed to build an AA building.
A study says that healthier eating means a higher grocery bill. Apparently eating healthy doesn't mean eating less.
A genomics company says that half of Europe is descended from King Tut. The other half are children that are descendants of Arnold Schwarzenegger.
A survey says that Americans are aware of the benefits of functional foods but don’t eat them enough. Mostly because THEY TASTE LIKE SHIT!!
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Arnold Schwarzenegger. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Arnold Schwarzenegger. Show all posts
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Saturday, July 23, 2011
"Spousal Support"
Singer Amy Winehouse has died at age 27. I'm guessing overdose.
An alleged Marilyn Monroe sex tape is being reported. If you thought that was weird, it was taped about a week ago.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is trying to avoid paying spousal support for Maria Shriver. Who knew the Governator was black? (I'm so sorry)
A judge told Lindsay Lohan to speed up with her community service. To which Lohan responded, "You had me at speed".
Jennifer Lopez reportedly almost left Marc Anthony in 2009 for an affair he had with a flight attendant. If you cheat on Jennifer Lopez, it's time to take a trip to the mental hospital.
34 New Jersey schools are being investigated for cheating on standardized tests. This explains how the cast of Jersey Shore graduated high school.
Blockbuster says it will keep 90% of its stores open. To which Borders says, "Yeah. Good luck with that one".
A report says that one out of four Americans say they have participated in binge drinking. The other three are of legal age to drink.
Justin Bieber says he is taking a month off so he can “grow up”. Dude, I think you're gonna need about ten years.
Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer says she is too poor to pay for a psychologist. The only thing poor about Lindsay Lohan is her acting.
The WHO says that going to the hospital is far riskier than flying. "You've gotta be kidding me," said September 11, 2001.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
An alleged Marilyn Monroe sex tape is being reported. If you thought that was weird, it was taped about a week ago.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is trying to avoid paying spousal support for Maria Shriver. Who knew the Governator was black? (I'm so sorry)
A judge told Lindsay Lohan to speed up with her community service. To which Lohan responded, "You had me at speed".
Jennifer Lopez reportedly almost left Marc Anthony in 2009 for an affair he had with a flight attendant. If you cheat on Jennifer Lopez, it's time to take a trip to the mental hospital.
34 New Jersey schools are being investigated for cheating on standardized tests. This explains how the cast of Jersey Shore graduated high school.
Blockbuster says it will keep 90% of its stores open. To which Borders says, "Yeah. Good luck with that one".
A report says that one out of four Americans say they have participated in binge drinking. The other three are of legal age to drink.
Justin Bieber says he is taking a month off so he can “grow up”. Dude, I think you're gonna need about ten years.
Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer says she is too poor to pay for a psychologist. The only thing poor about Lindsay Lohan is her acting.
The WHO says that going to the hospital is far riskier than flying. "You've gotta be kidding me," said September 11, 2001.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
"Mentally Incapable"
Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted he fathered a child with a member of his household staff. It turns out, the kid hit puberty at age 3.
Willie Nelson endorsed GOP Presidential candidate Gary Johnson. Unfortunately for Republicans, he had a joint in his hand when he said this.
Casino mogul Steve Wynn says his operation is now a “Chinese company”. And when he says that, he means that the casino actually has money.
A Utah woman was arrested trying to trade a salad for drugs. In other words, she traded leaves.
A Wisconsin man has eaten his 25,000th Big Mac. His funeral is on Saturday.
Britney Spears is still under conservatorship of her father, which means she is “mentally incapable” of getting married. At this point, she's "mentally incapable" of walking.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Willie Nelson endorsed GOP Presidential candidate Gary Johnson. Unfortunately for Republicans, he had a joint in his hand when he said this.
Casino mogul Steve Wynn says his operation is now a “Chinese company”. And when he says that, he means that the casino actually has money.
A Utah woman was arrested trying to trade a salad for drugs. In other words, she traded leaves.
A Wisconsin man has eaten his 25,000th Big Mac. His funeral is on Saturday.
Britney Spears is still under conservatorship of her father, which means she is “mentally incapable” of getting married. At this point, she's "mentally incapable" of walking.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
"Bomb-Resistant Boxers"
A study says that alcohol abuse is responsible for 4% of the deaths world wide every year. It would really be ironic if someone gave a toast at that funeral.
Arnold Schwarzenegger says he plans to return to make movies. This is great news for both of his movie fans.
A poll says that 35% of Americans say the country’s most important problem is unemployment. The other 65% have a job.
The Department of Agriculture says the cost of raising a child is $286,000, not including college. And for me, that's just the cost of food.
Charlie Sheen talked to the UCLA baseball team and told them to “stay off crack and drink chocolate milk.” In Charlie Sheen language, that means "Don't do anal and have sex with a black chick".
Lindsay Lohan says she was not raised to lie, cheat or steal. If that's the case, her parents did one crappy job.
Moody’s has given Playboy’s corporate debt a B-2 rating. When Hugh Hefner heard the rating, he thought he got bingo.
Bomb resistant boxers are being manufactured by a New York company. Aren't those called "diapers".
Two horses collapsed and died under mysterious circumstances Saturday before a race. At least they didn't die a painful death. Their jockeys were going to be Oprah Winfrey and Kirstie Alley.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Arnold Schwarzenegger says he plans to return to make movies. This is great news for both of his movie fans.
A poll says that 35% of Americans say the country’s most important problem is unemployment. The other 65% have a job.
The Department of Agriculture says the cost of raising a child is $286,000, not including college. And for me, that's just the cost of food.
Charlie Sheen talked to the UCLA baseball team and told them to “stay off crack and drink chocolate milk.” In Charlie Sheen language, that means "Don't do anal and have sex with a black chick".
Lindsay Lohan says she was not raised to lie, cheat or steal. If that's the case, her parents did one crappy job.
Moody’s has given Playboy’s corporate debt a B-2 rating. When Hugh Hefner heard the rating, he thought he got bingo.
Bomb resistant boxers are being manufactured by a New York company. Aren't those called "diapers".
Two horses collapsed and died under mysterious circumstances Saturday before a race. At least they didn't die a painful death. Their jockeys were going to be Oprah Winfrey and Kirstie Alley.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
"A State Of Confusion"
CBS says they have a “high level of concern” about Charlie Sheen. We all do, CBS.
A study says that talk therapy may improve long term depression. That is, until you get the bill for your visit to the psychiatrist.
A New York man has been arrested for threatening to kill financial regulators. He was arrested for trying to become an American hero.
A study says that popular sleeping drugs can leave the user in a state of confusion while stumbling and falling. You know, like Lindsay Lohan during a sobriety test.
Arnold Schwarzenegger says his two terms as California Governor may have cost him as much as $200 Million. And those were just for his teleprompter fees.
The producer of “American Idol” says the new show will be “like nothing you’ve ever seen”. Does that mean that the people who make it to Hollywood will be worse than the terrible auditions?
A Memphis high school reports 86 pregnant teenagers. Even more crazy, that school has only 84 girls.
That's all I have for today! Definitely more tomorrow!
A study says that talk therapy may improve long term depression. That is, until you get the bill for your visit to the psychiatrist.
A New York man has been arrested for threatening to kill financial regulators. He was arrested for trying to become an American hero.
A study says that popular sleeping drugs can leave the user in a state of confusion while stumbling and falling. You know, like Lindsay Lohan during a sobriety test.
Arnold Schwarzenegger says his two terms as California Governor may have cost him as much as $200 Million. And those were just for his teleprompter fees.
The producer of “American Idol” says the new show will be “like nothing you’ve ever seen”. Does that mean that the people who make it to Hollywood will be worse than the terrible auditions?
A Memphis high school reports 86 pregnant teenagers. Even more crazy, that school has only 84 girls.
That's all I have for today! Definitely more tomorrow!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
"Not A Human Being"
Joke of the Day: Bill Clinton has revealed his weight loss secret. "It's no secret", said Monica.
Albert Haynesworth, of the Washington Redskins, says his $100 million contract does not make him a “slave”. Of course it doesn't. Slaves don't get paid.
Lil' Wayne will release his album entitled, "I am not a human being." In other news, Britney Spears will release an album entitled, "This is not my actual singing".
The man who owns Segway scooters was killed when he rode one off a cliff. Speaking of segways...
Some U.S. executions are being held up because of a shortage of one of the lethal injection drugs. Apparently these executioners haven't heard of the electric chair, the gas chamber, or a firing squad.
A poll says that only 38% of Americans say they would vote to re-elect President Obama. The other 62% don't want us to suffer as a country.
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s job rating is down to 31%. In fact, the only thing he's good for: an impersonation.
Kim Jong Il has named his son a four star general in anticipation that he will become the country’s next ruler. "I've never heard of giving such an honor to someone who isn't even the leader of their country yet. We don't know how he's going to do," said President Obama.
ATMs selling gold bars are coming to the U.S. Great, they're just in time for nobody to be able to afford them.
Research says that people who made it through the recession easier are older, Republican and live in east coast suburbs. Aren't these people called "grandparents"?
Max Weinberg is leaving as Conan O’Brien’s band director after 17 years. This is a shame to some of the members of the Max Weinberg 7: What's his face, some guy, and the other dude.
A UK supermarket chain is selling Viagra to its customers. I have an idea: how about toothpaste?
A study says that women apologize more than men. For example, they apologize to themselves by saying, "I'm sorry I married that loser".
McDonald’s is testing a meal size chicken wrap. Who knew you could fit Chicken McNuggets, a Large Fry, and a Large Soda in a single tortilla?
Panasonic will debut a 12’ flat screen TV that will cost a half million dollars. It's the perfect way of saying, "I have way too much money".
The U.N. has denied it has appointed a “first contact” ambassador to visiting space aliens. They added that they have enough problems with aliens in the first place.
That's all I have for today! The magic number is still one! Let's clinch the division, guys! We can do this! More jokes coming tomorrow!
A MESSAGE FOR ST. LOUIS
Dear St. Louis, Sorry you couldn't make the playoffs. Enjoy your 1-2 Rams. Love, Cincinnati.
Albert Haynesworth, of the Washington Redskins, says his $100 million contract does not make him a “slave”. Of course it doesn't. Slaves don't get paid.
Lil' Wayne will release his album entitled, "I am not a human being." In other news, Britney Spears will release an album entitled, "This is not my actual singing".
The man who owns Segway scooters was killed when he rode one off a cliff. Speaking of segways...
Some U.S. executions are being held up because of a shortage of one of the lethal injection drugs. Apparently these executioners haven't heard of the electric chair, the gas chamber, or a firing squad.
A poll says that only 38% of Americans say they would vote to re-elect President Obama. The other 62% don't want us to suffer as a country.
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s job rating is down to 31%. In fact, the only thing he's good for: an impersonation.
Kim Jong Il has named his son a four star general in anticipation that he will become the country’s next ruler. "I've never heard of giving such an honor to someone who isn't even the leader of their country yet. We don't know how he's going to do," said President Obama.
ATMs selling gold bars are coming to the U.S. Great, they're just in time for nobody to be able to afford them.
Research says that people who made it through the recession easier are older, Republican and live in east coast suburbs. Aren't these people called "grandparents"?
Max Weinberg is leaving as Conan O’Brien’s band director after 17 years. This is a shame to some of the members of the Max Weinberg 7: What's his face, some guy, and the other dude.
A UK supermarket chain is selling Viagra to its customers. I have an idea: how about toothpaste?
A study says that women apologize more than men. For example, they apologize to themselves by saying, "I'm sorry I married that loser".
McDonald’s is testing a meal size chicken wrap. Who knew you could fit Chicken McNuggets, a Large Fry, and a Large Soda in a single tortilla?
Panasonic will debut a 12’ flat screen TV that will cost a half million dollars. It's the perfect way of saying, "I have way too much money".
The U.N. has denied it has appointed a “first contact” ambassador to visiting space aliens. They added that they have enough problems with aliens in the first place.
That's all I have for today! The magic number is still one! Let's clinch the division, guys! We can do this! More jokes coming tomorrow!
A MESSAGE FOR ST. LOUIS
Dear St. Louis, Sorry you couldn't make the playoffs. Enjoy your 1-2 Rams. Love, Cincinnati.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
"Toyota's New Slogan"
Hi everybody! Happy laughing at these monologue jokes!
Toyota acknowledged design problems with the brakes with Prius. Well the Prius doesn't have an accelerator, so it may as well have problems with the brake.
A tax court has ruled that the cost of a sex change operation is deductible. So if you're changing from a man to a woman, that's the second thing that's being deducted (besides your manhood).
Toyota's new slogan: Moving Forward. And Forward. And Forward. And Forward...
The CEO of Carnival Cruise Lines was given a raise to $7.2 Million in 2009 despite the company's profits falling. Carnival Cruise Lines just wanted to follow the trend of major insurance companies.
NBC says Frances Reid, who played matriarch Alice Horton on "Days of Our Lives" for four decades, has died in Los Angeles. She was 95. She will be remembered as the Brett Favre of soap operas.
A study is trying to find out how much physical abuse the human body can take. Even more chilling, they are going to use actual people.
Because of the hurricanes, thousands of State Farm policies in Florida are being cut. Instead, the people cut off from State Farm will switch to ColonialPenn or AARP.
Some schools across the country are rethinking their ban on cell phones and using them as a learning tool. Ironically, some of those schools are driving schools.
A pill has been developed that reportedly could help people live to be 100. Unfortunately, Rush Limbaugh heard about this.
A pill has been developed that reportedly could help people live to be 100. It's called, "The Larry King pill".
Heinz is changing its Ketchup packet. The packet will now have enough ketchup for two french fries.
A man who allegedly attacked crew members on a US airways flight to Pittsburgh said he was high on medical marijuana cookies. Lots and lots of medical marijuana cookies.
An executive for CBS said that Katie Couric should stay at CBS for a long time. Thank God he wasn't talking about Letterman.
About 40 percent of cancers could be prevented if people stopped smoking and overeating, limited their alcohol, exercised regularly and got vaccines targeting cancer-causing infections, experts say. In other words, BE HEALTHY!
California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger says Florida is "for the old people" and that no one wants to take a vacation in Iowa. Well gee, I guess Arnold is starting to make sense now.
Well everyone, that's it! I hope you laughed at these and I hope you liked them!
P.S.: I found a hilarious Facebook group: Don't Kanye Me Or I Will Chris Brown You And Tiger Woods Your Mother.
Toyota acknowledged design problems with the brakes with Prius. Well the Prius doesn't have an accelerator, so it may as well have problems with the brake.
A tax court has ruled that the cost of a sex change operation is deductible. So if you're changing from a man to a woman, that's the second thing that's being deducted (besides your manhood).
Toyota's new slogan: Moving Forward. And Forward. And Forward. And Forward...
The CEO of Carnival Cruise Lines was given a raise to $7.2 Million in 2009 despite the company's profits falling. Carnival Cruise Lines just wanted to follow the trend of major insurance companies.
NBC says Frances Reid, who played matriarch Alice Horton on "Days of Our Lives" for four decades, has died in Los Angeles. She was 95. She will be remembered as the Brett Favre of soap operas.
A study is trying to find out how much physical abuse the human body can take. Even more chilling, they are going to use actual people.
Because of the hurricanes, thousands of State Farm policies in Florida are being cut. Instead, the people cut off from State Farm will switch to ColonialPenn or AARP.
Some schools across the country are rethinking their ban on cell phones and using them as a learning tool. Ironically, some of those schools are driving schools.
A pill has been developed that reportedly could help people live to be 100. Unfortunately, Rush Limbaugh heard about this.
A pill has been developed that reportedly could help people live to be 100. It's called, "The Larry King pill".
Heinz is changing its Ketchup packet. The packet will now have enough ketchup for two french fries.
A man who allegedly attacked crew members on a US airways flight to Pittsburgh said he was high on medical marijuana cookies. Lots and lots of medical marijuana cookies.
An executive for CBS said that Katie Couric should stay at CBS for a long time. Thank God he wasn't talking about Letterman.
About 40 percent of cancers could be prevented if people stopped smoking and overeating, limited their alcohol, exercised regularly and got vaccines targeting cancer-causing infections, experts say. In other words, BE HEALTHY!
California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger says Florida is "for the old people" and that no one wants to take a vacation in Iowa. Well gee, I guess Arnold is starting to make sense now.
Well everyone, that's it! I hope you laughed at these and I hope you liked them!
P.S.: I found a hilarious Facebook group: Don't Kanye Me Or I Will Chris Brown You And Tiger Woods Your Mother.
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