"A Predictor Of Dementia"

Singer Whitney Houston's funeral was today. Whitney specifically asked that her two closest friends sit in the front row: Gin and tonic.

Actor Robert Pattinson said he may be too old to appear in the next Twilight film. I hope to God he's right.

In a recent interview, Khloe Kardashian said that she has a very active sex life with Lamar Odom. Who would fuck that ugly man? I mean seriously, Lamar, what are you thinking?

The NYPD was recently discovered to have been monitoring the activity of Muslim college students. Even the LAPD is disgusted by the amount of racial profiling there.

Republican Presidential candidate Rick Santorum questioned President Obama's Christian values. Just because Obama doesn't hate gay people, doesn't mean he's not a Christian.

A study says that slow walking can be a predictor of dementia. Sorry, gangstas.

A University of Illinois professor calls Chicago the most corrupt city in the U.S. Want proof? They consider the Cubs to be a professional baseball team.

A PBS documentary about Bill Clinton has him saying “I really screwed up with that girl” when talking about Monica Lewinsky. Minus the "up with" part.

A Minnesota man is being accused of stealing up to $25,000 of Tide detergent. This man is known as the only criminal on Earth with clean clothes.

A proposed bill in Arizona will prohibit teachers from swearing in class. Like when the teachers say "Fuck yeah" when they are having sex with their students.

A girl from England avoided liver disease by eating massive amounts of junk food. In other news, today, she was named an honorary American.

A study says that overeating may double the odds of memory loss. Wait, can you say that again?

That's all I have for right now! More coming later!

"In Place Of Shoe Boxes"

Joke of the Day: An 86 year old pilot with bad eyesight has been blamed for a fatal crash in Ohio in 2008. I blame the people who hired him.

It's being reported that al-Qaida is in financial ruin. So not only is the US fighting al-Qaida, but we are influencing them as well.

Bill Clinton says President Obama should look beyond judges for the upcoming Supreme Court nomination. Because when I think of people who should be Supreme Court Judges, I look for people who are not judges.

Alex Rodriguez now has more home runs than Mark McGwire, with 584. He is now in 3rd place, behind Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds, on baseball's prestigious steroid users list.

Cuban cigar legend Alejandro Robaina has died at 91. He plans to be cremated with a lighter and his ashes will go in a large cigar carton.

Athletic shoe maker Puma will use reusable bags in place of shoe boxes. I guess Puma is tired of helping elementary school students with art projects.

A study says jealousy can make you blind, or at least affect the way you see things. In a sense, this means that people become less jealous overtime.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says the league will be “thorough” with its probe of Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. I'm sure that the last thing Roethlisberger needs right now is a probing.

TV talk show host Conan O’Brien celebrated his 47th birthday on Sunday. NBC plans to give him a birthday present. A free haircut.

This is National Coin Week. The US Economy says that they are unable to celebrate.

Members of the Los Angeles Police Department stood between white supremacists and counter-demonstrators at LA City Hall, Sunday. You know things in LA are crazy when even the LAPD is stopping white supremacists from fighting.

A New Jersey man is being held in police custody for intentionally vomiting on a Philadelphia Phillies fan and his daughter. Or, as the suspect calls it, "The New Jersey Experience".

An Ohio woman who became the youngest person to row across the Atlantic says she got through the journey thanks to iPods, chocolate bars and audio books. On the other hand, I'm sure these are three things that would prevent people from going in the first place.

I hope the quality of these jokes were good. More to come tomorrow and thanks for reading!