"A Slap In The Face"

Senator Charles Schumer wants the government to prohibit airlines from charging fees for carry on luggage, saying it is a “slap in the face” to travelers. I think it's a slap in the face whenever the pilot is drunk.

An Arizona man was arrested after his gun went off in a Wal-Mart. He was charged for being too sophisticated for Wal-Mart.

A study says that one third of people snoop on their lover’s texts and e-mails. The other two thirds of people studied were Amish.

A new animated series from Steven Spielberg will take a look at life in 25, 50 and a hundred years in the future. The series will be called, "Brett Favre's NFL Career".

A US military doctor removed a live 14.5 millimeter round of ammunition from the head of an Afghan soldier. This was quite an easy task. The Afghan soldier didn't have a brain that could get in the way.

As a fund raiser, a high school booster club in Illinois is selling bags of alpaca manure to the public. In a related story, the Chicago Cubs bought a bag and named it their starting pitcher for tonight.

Home run king Barry Bonds says he’s proud of former slugger Mark McGwire for returning to baseball after admitting he used performance-enhancing drugs. Bonds would have returned, but he didn't have the balls to do it.

On opening day for the White Sox, a couple was found in a men’s restroom having sex. The scary part: neither person was in the wrong restroom.

More than 20,000 gathered outside Irving, Texas Sunday to watch as Texas Stadium was dynamited. It's been regarded as the only thing in history to go down faster than a Taco Bell combo meal.

It's been reported that Sarah Palin will make a million dollars per episode for her TLC reality series. The title of the show pretty much speaks for how much she will contribute. "How to be an unsuccessful politician".

Records show that the U.S. recall of faulty vehicles was purposely delayed by Toyota. This is the first thing in the history of Toyota to be delayed.

Well, that's it for right now! More tomorrow!

"PETA Has Nixed A Plan"

The IOC may take back a bronze medal won by the Chinese Gymnastic team in 2000. Apparently one of the team members was too young. To which the 2008 Olympics stood up and said, "Just one? Amateurs."

Barry Bonds' wife has filed for divorce after twelve years of marriage. Talk about a shot in the arm that he didn't want.

Joe Biden was overheard at the Health Care Summit saying that it is easy to be Vice President because "You don't have to do anything." Strangely enough, George Bush said the exact same thing about being President.

Bill Clinton reportedly called Tiger Woods before his news conference. During the phone conversation, Clinton asked Tiger, "Hillary isn't here. Can I borrow one of your mistresses?"

Gatorade has dropped Tiger Woods as a spokesman. When asked why, Gatorade said, "Tiger thought the slogan was "Is it in somebody else?"".

I think the NCAA Basketball plumbing system is finally working. How do I know? Number 1 and Number 2 went down the crapper on Saturday.

Wide receiver Terrell Owens will not be offered a new contract by the Buffalo Bills. Wait, he got paid last year?!?!? In Buffalo?!?!?

Dominican pitcher Maximo Nelson has been arrested by Japanese police after a live bullet was found in his bag at an airport in Okinawa. In his defense, Nelson claimed that the bullet in his bag was just his fastball.

Their is a new iPhone app that stops people from snooping through your iPhone. I came up with that app the day the iPhone came out. It's called "My Pocket".

PETA has nixed a plan to use Tiger Woods' image on a billboard urging people to spay and neuter their pets. The billboard will say, "If your dog has as much sex as this person, odds are that your dog is going to be a daddy".

"He Won't Allow Heckling"

Former career home run king Hank Aaron says Mark McGwire should have a clear conscience after his recent admission he used performance-enhancing drugs as a player. To which Hank also said, "If only Barry Bonds could only do the same."

Goshen College in Indiana is lifting a 116 year old ban on playing the National Anthem at school events. This would definitely be significant news if anyone knew who they were.

A poll says that Canada rates as the favorite country of Americans, with Iran the least liked. When hearing of this, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadenijad said, "We will do the best we can to keep that ranking".

Israel has introduced a fleet of pilotless drones that can remain in the air for an entire day. America already has that. We call it "Northwest Airlines".

Cliff High School students studying World War I history saw a few seconds of pornography during viewing of a video about the 1919 Treaty of Versailles. Students were baffled when this happened. They asked, "Why did 1919 suddenly change to 6969?"

The Dalai Lama says that he had never heard of Tiger Woods. When someone told him who Tiger Woods was, he was confused. "I remember now, but doesn't he play golf too?"

The New York Times says that millions of Americans face going years without a job. Workers there were frightened. The article was entitled "Our budget cuts".

Tiger Woods' caddy Steve Williams says he won't allow any heckling when Woods returns to tournament play. He also said that he would try to keep the crowd in line.

A study says that overweight children are more likely to become depressed. That same study has found that the chairs of overweight people have an increased risk of suicide.

Major League Baseball has added 12 performance enhancing drugs and 30 stimulants to its "banned" list. At this rate, by 2011, Gatorade will have been banned.

Baseball players who have gone to arbitration this year averaged a 121% raise. Apparently, "arbitration" is a synonym of "government".

That's it for now! More soon.