"I Thought They Were Volunteers"

A fan ran on the field during Super Bowl LV. The fan on the field got more rushing yards than the whole Chiefs offense.

Native American activists are protesting the nickname "Chiefs". It's part of their unprecedented movement to have two NFL franchises with the nickname "Football Team".

The Weeknd is promising a PG-rated halftime performance at the Super Bowl. This means Disney is going to come in and draw a cloud in the background that looks like a dick.

Marilyn Manson has been accused of abuse by several ex-girlfriends. In response to the allegations, he said, "Who am I to disagree?"

Poet Amanda Gorman recited and read a poem at the Super Bowl. This has upset many conservatives, mainly because she knows how to read and they don't.

Seattle Seahawks player Chad Wheeler was accused of abusing his girlfriend and making her bow to him. That's crazy. There's a Seattle Seahawks player that wants his significant other to bow to him and it's NOT Russell Wilson?

Singer Trey Songz reportedly assaulted a police officer at a Chiefs game. It was the first time he's had a hit in five years.

On his first day in office, President Biden undid Trump's policies on covid. It was a weird way to find out that Trump had policies on covid. 

Donald Trump left the White House while YMCA was playing. It was incredibly ironic considering he never put his pride on the shelf. 

University of Tennessee football players were reportedly paid improper benefits to play football there. It's crazy, because this whole time, I thought they were Volunteers. 

The New York Mets fired GM Jared Porter over harassment allegations. This is despite the fact that he acquired SS Francisco Lindor for prospects and 55 "Hey beautiful" messages to be sent later.

An NFL game aired on Nickelodeon. It's excellent for children who want to experience the excitement and thrill of hearing a player say the n-word on the hot mic. 

Donald Trump has been banned from Pinterest. It means he'll have to find a new website to look for the best well done steak with ketchup recipes.

Donald Trump was banned from Twitter. Thin people everywhere celebrate by drinking Diet Coke.

Donald Trump was banned from Twitter. It sucks that Trump got banned from Twitter before he got caught accidentally sending out a picture of his dick to Ivanka. 

Several Donald Trump supporters stormed and vandalized the Capitol Building. In response, Trump mistakenly ordered the National Guard to Capitol Garden and Lawn Care.

Miami Dolphins QB Ryan Fitzpatrick tested positive for COVID-19, a disease that can spread by way of close contact with another person's face. This means that the hands of all Raiders defensive linemen must quarantine for two weeks.

Well, that's all I have for right now. It's been a brutal quarantine, and it was a rough 2020 for a lot of people, myself included. I haven't been doing standup as much as I would've liked to (partly because it's all been shut down, which has put a massive dagger in my plans for the year. I'm essentially doing maybe one or two sets a month maximum, but I'm still writing, which is good.

After quarantine, I plan to hit the ground running with standup comedy. I have a bunch of new material in the bank, I want to start trying to achieve my goal of becoming a feature act down the line, and I want to go to places I've never been before, and returning to places I've already been. And who knows - I may want to move out of the city (it's been on my mind for AWHILE).

Stay tuned for more dick jokes, y'all. 

"Disturbing The Penis"

Hooters had a Valentine's Day promotion where you received 10 free wings if you brought in a picture of your ex to shred. Because what better way to say "screw you" to your ex than telling them you still think about them while you eat chicken wings by yourself.

Rapper Sheck Wes has been accused of being abusive to an ex-girlfriend. This explains why he had to change the opening line of Mo Bamba to "I got hoes callin' 9-1-1".

The New England Patriots won Super Bowl LIII against the LA Rams. The best part of the victory is that they can go to Disney World and visit Josh Gordon while he's working the concession stand.

Seattle Seahawks QB Russell Wilson won the Precision Passing contest at the 2019 Pro Bowl by hitting the most targets. His secret to winning was imagining that all the targets were pictures of Malcolm Butler.

Rapper Lil Uzi Vert said that he's going to stop making music. When hearing how upset this news made his fans, he responded to them by saying, "I don't really care if you cry."

Democrats are accusing Donald Trump of manufacturing a crisis. Though if it's any consolation, at least something of Donald Trump's was manufactured in America.

A serial arsonist is targeting Jehovah's Witnesses in Washington State. Wow, you must really hate members of a religion to set your own front doorstep on fire.

Tumblr is getting rid of adult content. Or, to put it in the terms of a Tumblr user: "We can't adult anymore."

The Washington Redskins have signed QB Mark Sanchez. They did this so he could come in and teach Colt McCoy how to properly run into his own offensive lineman.

The Cleveland Indians are getting rid of their mascot Chief Wahoo. If you're upset about that team getting rid of the logo that's an offensive depiction of a Native American, there's a 100% chance that you have a profile picture that looks like an offensive depiction of a white person.

The Cleveland Cavaliers were awarded the 2022 NBA All Star Game. This is a part of the Cavs' effort to show citizens of Cleveland what a professional basketball team looks like.

The Cleveland Browns have signed RB Kareem Hunt. This gives Browns fans the perfect excuse to start putting paper bags over their heads again.

New Jacksonville Jaguars RB Carlos Hyde says he's a perfect fit for the Jags offense. This is due to his incredible ability to tackle defenders after Blake Bortles throws an interception.

Last year, Atlanta Falcons RB Tevin Coleman became the father of twins. This makes him one of the few NFL players to have multiple children with the same woman.

Donald Trump reportedly wanted to buy decades of dirt that the National Enquirer had on him. If the purchase is successful, the public will never get to hear the incredible story about Trump's affair with a space alien.

Police in Illinois discovered 218 severed dicks in the house of a mortician. He's expected to be charged with 218 counts of disturbing the penis.

That's all I have for right now! Well, little bit of an update to those of you who somehow made it to this last paragraph and still even bother to read it and keep up: since my last post, I no longer DJ at Uncle Woody's or Ladder 19. Those places were definitely fun while they lasted, but we all decided to go our separate ways. I will miss the camaraderie and fun times I had at those places, and will look back fondly on doing those gigs several years down the road. I met so many people and can't thank all of them enough for giving me so many killer nights out.

Sentimentality aside, I'm still going hard at standup, and I am currently planning a couple big summer trips to pursue standup even harder and check out a couple bigger standup scenes. Also, I still have my DJ gig at Milano's on Saturday nights at UD, which has quickly become the highlight of my week every week!

Anyway, I'll have more jokes coming later on!

"Just As Enjoyable"

On January 10, 1776, Thomas Paine published his 50-page pamphlet titled “Common Sense”. This books talks about the main thing that the cast of Jersey Shore does not have.

More than 13 inches of snow fell on Tennessee. At least the men said it was 13 inches, but the women said it was only like 5-6 inches.

A Phoenix radio station has offered Bristol Palin a job as a morning drive-time on-air co-host. Because nothing wakes you up and prepares you for the day better than listening to a Palin talking.

Sarah Palin says she is not negotiating for another season of the reality show “Sarah Palin's Alaska”. On behalf of all three viewers of TLC, I would like to say thank you.

A study says that music is just as enjoyable to the brain as sex. In that case, is listening to "The Sex Pistols" a double whammy?

California Governor Jerry Brown is seeing to keep a series of tax increases in place for the next five years. California has a new nickname for Brown: One-Term.

Marshawn Lynch’s 67 yard touchdown run that helped beat New Orleans at Seattle’s Qwest Field actually showed up on a nearby seismic monitoring station. It was from the crowd realizing that the Seahawks having a chance to win.

MTV is launching a comedy awards show. Because nothing says "comedy" like "Music Television".

Former “Jersey Shore” cast member Angelina Pivarnick is reportedly looking to become a pro wrestler. Of course, wrestling and Jersey Shore are very different. One of them involves people fighting for no reason but for pure entertainment, and the other one is wrestling.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!