"Ariana Grande Isn't A Diva"

Brittney Griner was attacked in China by a knife-wielding man. The guy is still at large, but they just arrested the dude with the knife.

Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.

North Korea is banning tourism over the fear of Ebola. This made history as the first time North Korea cared for the health of its citizens.

New York City had its first case of Ebola. Doctors who tried to cure it by saying "Get atta here" to the virus proved to be wildly unsuccessful.

The WHO says Nigeria is Ebola free. Now, the only virus in Nigeria is the one that emails me about how I can have a huge penis in 6-8 weeks.

Jessie J said that Ariana Grande isn't a diva, she just "knows what she wants". Yeah, and Ted Bundy isn't a murderer, he just killed a ton of people.

A Dallas nurse with Ebola flew to Cleveland. Yep, the deadly virus that nobody wants to come in contact with had a nurse with Ebola fly there.

A parrot with a British accent got lost, returned, and now speaks Spanish. I knew something was up when it returned in a cage with 50 other parrots.

A study says that trauma and food addiction are linked in women. They must have experienced a huge conundrum when Twinkies were taken away.

That's all I have for right now. Well, I feel that I've gotten back in the swing of things with writing topical jokes. Maybe it's because there was a shit ton of Ebola stuff to write about, who knows, but I'm happy about it. However, as of late, with comedy, I've felt a sense of rejection from the community. I've done more than my fair share of alienation over my time as a comic, but I've spent the past couple years or so trying to not only undo it, but learning how to not do it. I'm trying, believe me, but it still feels like nobody wants me around. No, I'm not going to do anything to myself (sorry ladies), but I've felt super lonely for awhile. And every time I do try and hang out, everyone's off doing something else. "Aww, Schubs, is that what autism feels like" Maybe, but I'm trying to fix that, because I've been doing a lot of self-improvement shit. For example, I've been on this crazy thing called a "diet" (I've lost 45 pounds in the past year and counting), and I'm trying to be a better and funnier dude. I've alienated a lot of people, but tomorrow's a new day, and I want to go out and be the best comic I know people think I'm too sad to be. Also, on a slightly more positive note, I, after three and a half long and amazingly fun years, have reached 2,000 Twitter followers, so fuckin yay for me, and for them, I have given them a suicide hotline number. Anyway, more coming soon!

"Older Dads"

Steve Jobs has died at the age of 56. His headstone is the first to come with a crappy camera.

The IRS has hit an Oakland medical marijuana dispensary with a $2.4 Million tax bill. A marijuana dispensary with that big of a debt? It has to be run by Willie Nelson.

Sesame Street has introduced Lily, an impoverished Muppet who suffers from hunger. I guess the Cookie Monster has to learn about sharing.

A study says that embarrassing moments make people more likable. Then why is President Bush's approval rating so low?

Guinness says the new rage in China is breaking world records. Like the world's shittiest drivers.

The Post Office plan for recovery involves delivering more junk mail. Nigerian princes are already writing their fake letters.

Tiger Woods has signed his first endorsement in two years, with Rolex. Really? I would've guessed Trojan.

A study says that football players who cry after a game have higher self esteem than those who don’t. I didn't know it helped your self-esteem to have people who see you cry call you a pussy.

A study says that older dads have a higher chance of having less intelligent children. "That's a straight up lie," said Snooki's 104-year old dad.

That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!

"Straw Poll"

The White House says it will start saving us all money by purchasing things in bulk. It looks like Costco has a new shopper!

A Republican member of congress says the Obama tax increases would make him unable to feed his family on a $400k budget. Where does this guy eat? At a baseball stadium?

Nigeria's government is telling people to ignore rumors that a phone call from a certain number will kill the person taking the call. This is what Americans call "a chain letter".

Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul has won California's straw poll. And by "straw poll", I mean the candidate that sucks the most.

Moammar Qaddafi says his regime is still alive in Libya. I'd compare his regime to the playoff chances of the Cincinnati Bengals.

Touring a meat processing plant in Iowa, Michele Bachmann was photographed among hanging beef. I wonder if touring a place with a lot of meat was Marcus' idea.

A kindergartner in Missouri brought a bag of crystal meth and a crack pipe to school for show and tell. I know what you all are thinking: Mom of the Year!

Starbucks is being sued after a hidden video camera was found in one of the unisex bathrooms. They said they are going to take about three weeks to look at the evidence.

Gisele Bundchen, supermodel wife of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, was stopped for speeding in Massachusetts and given only a verbal warning. As to where she was going, I would rule out any place with food.

Paula Abdul says that Simon Cowell has been her “best teacher”. I didn't know Simon Cowell knew how to swallow ten pills at once.

Casey Anthony says that she has "a lot of regrets". Let's hope killing her daughter is one of them.

A woman with a large Afro had her hair searched for bombs at an Atlanta airport. Even worse, the Afro wasn't on her head.

That's all I have for today! I'm so sorry for that last joke. Anyway, more tomorrow!

"Grunt Control"

Today, July 4th, is Independence Day. Or, as George Bush calls it, "The day where we celebrate people who are neither Democrats or Republicans".

The BBC has come up with a grunt control device for people who want to turn down the volume of women tennis players’ grunting. I hope the Porn Channel doesn't find out about this.

A Nigerian man flew from New York to Los Angeles with an invalid boarding pass and fake ID. They knew the man was Nigerian because his name didn't fit on the ID.

A motorcyclist participating in a protest ride against helmet laws in New York died after he hit his head on the pavement. Karma's a bitch, isn't it?

Ohio governor John Kasich signed a law that allows people to bring guns into places where alcohol is served. What could possibly go wrong?

Taylor Swift cancelled her concert in Louisville because she was sick. Apparently she heard herself sing.

The FOX News Twitter feed was hacked, and the hacker said that President Obama was assassinated. However, upon reading this, the people at the FOX News 4th of July party got a lot happier.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"National Beer Day"

Today is National Beer Day. Isn't that called "St. Patrick's Day"?

A husband and wife playing golf together in Brazil made holes-in-one on the same hole within seconds of each other. A husband and wife playing on the same hole at the same time. Isn't that called a threesome?

A man in Maryland was apparently glued to a toilet seat at Walmart. He was in Walmart, angry, and nowhere to be found. Just like their greeter.

Archaeologists say that the story of a gay caveman was overblown. Could you possibly find a more poor choice of words?

Prince William's bride, Kate Middleton, is reportedly still a virgin. I'm sure there are a lot of guys that would LOVE to change that.

Eight people died as a result of a bomb that hit an election office in Nigeria. The bomb was so devastating, Nigerian ambassadors stopped sending us spam emails for a whole two hours.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!