"Too Drunk To Sing"

An Israeli court has sentenced a dog to be stoned to death. In America, we call being stoned to death "An overdose".

A report says that Afghanistan is the most dangerous place in the world for women. Coming in a close second: the Pittsburgh Steelers' locker room.

A study says that one in three people regret a past tweet or post on the Internet. The other two people pretty much have nothing to lose.

Anthony Weiner has been offered a cameo role on "Entourage". Seriously though, the last thing he needs right now is to be in front of a camera.

A study says that smells can affect people's behavior. This explains why New Jersey is in such turmoil.

Amy Winehouse was booed at a concert recently because she appeared "too drunk to sing". Too drunk to sing? That woman is too drunk to function.

One of Hillary Clinton's former interns has become a porn star. What is it with the Clintons and slutty interns?

Jackass star Ryan Dunn has died at the age of 34 in a car crash. His last words were, "Did you guys get that on camera?".

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Money For Nothing"

Andy Rooney is 92 years old today. Now, "60 Minutes" refers to the amount of time everyone thinks he has to live.

Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty says if elected president he would reinstate “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” in the US military. Even worse, he made this announcement during an episode of Glee.

The TSA has paid a Texas woman a “nominal” sum of money after her breasts were exposed during an airport patdown. Aren't people like that called "strippers"?

A New Jersey politician is proposing license plates for bicycles at $10 each. What's next? Bicycle Insurance?

Dire Straits’ “Money For Nothing” has been banned by Canadian Radio. "Money For Nothing" describes purchasing Carolina Panthers tickets.

Jimmy Carter says the international community should erase the debt of Sudan. How about erasing the debt of America?

The Computer History Museum in California will reopen this week after a two year renovation. It would have taken six months, but the construction guys were too busy on the computer.

Scientists have found a way to stop Tinnitus, an affliction where people have a constant ringing in their ears. It's called "stop listening to Rush Limbaugh".

A study says that 20% of Americans have done a heroic deed. The other 80% of Americans still refuse to get off the couch.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Sneezed The Bullet"

California Gov. Jerry Brown issued an order recalling one-half of the 96,000 cell phones for which the state is paying the bill. How are they going to be taken away? Are government agents going to put their hands in people's pockets? Then again, they do that with our tax money.

A Japanese technology company created a mirror that measures and displays the body temperature of the person looking into it. I tried it yesterday, but the mirror broke.

Kirstie Alley and Rush Limbaugh both turned 60 years old today. They are very different. One is an 60-year old woman who never stops eating, and the other one is Kirstie Alley.

A city in New Jersey is considering random drug tests for school children as young as in the 6th grade. And if you go in one of the schools, you may see 12-year old Snooki nervous as hell.

An Italian man who was shot in the head actually sneezed the bullet out his nose. And you thought it was weird when a pile of snot came out of your nose.

The number of mobile broadband users around the world could top 1 Billion in 2011. Who knew there are 1 Billion drivers in the world?

The new “American Idol” judges say they won’t be villainous in their roles. Especially Steven Tyler. He feels that his face is scary enough.

A study says that ATMs are as dirty as toilets. In fact, the United States economy is involved with both.

Google co-founder Larry Page has bought a $45 Million yacht. He named it "I'm Feeling Lucky".

A New Jersey school teacher claims he hasn’t called in sick in 40 years on the job. It's pretty impressive that she hasn't been sick, considering the fact that she lives in New Jersey.

A study says that taking a break for even a minute from sitting down can improve heart health. Wow. How fat are we getting in this country when we need a break from sitting down.

Kathie Lee Gifford gave some advice to Snooki from “Jersey Shore”, telling her not to just give herself to any jerk. You know you're screwed up when Kathie Lee Gifford is giving you advice.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"A Muslim Version"

CNN’s Anderson Cooper admits he took two Valium before interviewing Kathy Griffin for a New Year’s Eve special. He also admitted that he took two Viagra before interviewing Sarah Palin.

The sun shone brightly on the Rose Parade on New Year’s Day in Pasadena. Unless you are a fan of the Wisconsin Badgers.

Katie Couric says we need a Muslim version of “The Cosby Show”. And you think Joe Biden doesn't make any sense.

Iran says it has shot down two western unmanned drones. If you don't know what unmanned drones are, they are NBA stars playing against the Clippers.

The Navy is investigating whether an aircraft carrier’s executive officer broadcast lewd videos throughout the ship’s closed-circuit TV system. Since they were lewd videos, I'm not sure they were broadcast on a "closed" circuit system.

Actress Lindsay Lohan quoted Gandhi in her latest message on Twitter. She's obviously still drunk out of her mind.

Paula Abdul recently said that she's never been drunk in her life. Good luck finding someone who agrees with her.

China’s online population has increased to 450 Million people. In a related story, their child labor factories have shut down due to lack of work.

A Chinese government worker has been executed after taking $4.5 million in bribes. Or, as the US calls it, an amateur.

The surge in oil prices is paving the way for $4 a gallon gasoline. Or, as oil companies call them, "The good ol' days".

A new book claims it costs people $6,454 to be obese each year. It's sad that many Americans are willing to pay that much.

A study says that alcohol craving is linked to obesity. Isn't that link called a bar?

A New Jersey woman was arrested after setting her boyfriend on fire on New Year’s Eve. That's a hard title to get. I mean, the most orange person in New Jersey?

That's all for right now! More later!

"They Will Kiss At Midnight"

Nearly 500,000 people will cram themselves into Times Square on New Year’s Eve. It will be more crowded than NYC's unemployment lines.

Snooki will be dropped inside a ball on New Year’s Eve, but in New Jersey and not in NYC. And you thought the air in New Jersey couldn't get any worse.

Lindsay Lohan is due to leave rehab next Tuesday. She will then return on Thursday.

Octomom can avoid being evicted from her southern California home if the mortgage is sold to the founder of a porn film company. Gosh, the two people most well known for making babies will have lived in the same house.

Florida conservationists say the way to repair the overabundance of invading lionfish is to eat them. Don't get any ideas, China.

China has shut down 60,000 porn sites in a censorship crackdown. Who knew anyone could get sick of Asian porn?

A study says that most people’s New Year resolutions only last a week. Isn't that called a relapse?

CNN had its worst Prime Time ratings since 1996. They were so bad that they considered giving Jay Leno the 10PM time slot.

The U.S. has approved a testosterone gel for men with low hormone levels. They were so successful that Justin Bieber's voice started getting deeper.

BP is readying beaches in time for Spring Break. I'm sure most Americans are tired of hearing "BP" and "Break" in the same sentence.

Ben Roethlisberger won the “Chief Award” from the Pittsburgh media for his cooperation. If any normal person rapes someone but cooperates, they get decades in prison. But if Roethlisberger does the same, he gets an NFL contract and an award.

Doesn't IHOP sound like a SmartPhone app for people with one leg?

Facebook has passed Google as the most popular Internet site. The least popular Internet site: my blog.

Ryan Seacrest and his New Year’s co-host Jenny McCarthy say they will kiss at midnight. When asked what it will be like to kiss a beautiful woman, McCarthy said she isn't sure yet.

Army beat SMU for their first Bowl win in 25 years. Since Army won, they will have to face an opponent they have never beaten: The University of Iraq.

That's it for 2010! It has been an extremely memorable year for me! I was on iPhunny, the New York Times blog, I met Leno, Ferguson (indirectly), I was a regular comic on Dailycomedy, and I performed my first stand-up show! Ah, the memories. In fact, today is the one year anniversary of the beginning of my blog. I'm gonna miss everything about 2010!

"Wine Grape Crop"

US Marshals will auction off some of Bernie Madoff’s personal items, including his velveteen slippers with the “BLM” embroidery. That's weird; I didn't know snakes wore shoes period.

In France, a woman woke up after being declared “clinically dead”. Isn't that called "a coma"?

Magic Johnson sold his 105 Starbucks locations back to the company for about $100 million. He can finally afford a cup of Starbucks coffee.

In Peru, a soccer team claims its opponent snuck a depressant drug into their water bottles. In fact, the water made the Peru soccer team as depressed as the average Detroit Lions fan.

The U.K. is reportedly going to cut 500,000 government jobs over the next few years in a plan to cut spending by $131 Billion. The U.S. has responded, "What does it mean when you cut spending?".

A report says the California marijuana crop is worth $14 Billion, which is more than the wine grape crop value of $2 Billion. In a related story, the car that Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan share has been valued at $16 Billion.

A New Jersey toll worker made an annual salary of $321,000 after bonuses and payouts. Most of that money came from people who wanted to leave New Jersey.

A prosecutor in Detroit is proposing that parents who do not attend at least one parent-teacher conference during the year will serve jail time. Or at least a time out.

A Belgian skydiver was convicted of tampering with a romantic rival's parachute which resulted in the rival's death. As a result, the skydiver's career will hit the ground harder than his opponent.

The Federal Reserve says the U.S. economy is expanding at a "modest pace". Prove it.

The Federal Reserve is planning to buy $500 Billion in U.S. debt. Considering our crappy economy, where do they get the money?

A survey says that one in six students reports being bullied. The other five are at least five feet tall.

An eleven year old teenager in Nebraska was kicked off her cheerleading squad for refusing to "shake her booty" in a routine. The question is, what coach would actually force an eleven year old to shake their booty?

A study says a child’s waist size can indicate their future health risks. Experts have just discovered this? Really?

Starbucks is introducing their own digital network that will greet customers as they connect with their Wi-Fi system. This system is called the "We-Are-Too-Lazy-To-Actually-Greet-You-In-Person-omatic 5000".

NPR fired longtime analyst Juan Williams after he said on Fox News that, when he is on a plane with Muslims, “I get nervous". Aren't these the same people that were attacking President Obama for potentially being a Muslim?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"2 Billion Gallons"

Joke of the Day: Estonia recently held its first ever mosquito-catching contest. The winner received a year's supply of band-aids and ointment.

BP CEO Tony Hayward told Congress that as much as 2 billion gallons of oil have gushed into the Gulf of Mexico. Um, yeah, about that "progress" that you have been making...

The NCAA placed the University of San Francisco on 2-year probation over improper scholarship money for athletes. That's quite odd. Who knew anybody was paying attention to the University of San Francisco?

A Southern Illinois singer has hit the lowest note ever recorded. Even BP was going, "Man, how can he get so low?".

Campbell Soup Co. is recalling 15 million pounds of Spaghetti O's with meatballs after a cooker malfunctioned at one of the company's plants in Texas and left the meat undercooked. Uh oh!

Officials in Arkansas are investigating a shipment of 40 to 60 human heads found by Southwest Airlines employees at a cargo facility last week in Little Rock. They were cut off after Southwest discovered that they had head rests.

A man has been arrested for allegedly kidnapping actor Jeremy London and forcing him to use drugs, police said Thursday. That must explain his acting.

ConAgra Foods is recalling all Marie Callender's brand cheesy chicken and rice frozen meals after they have been possibly linked to a salmonella outbreak in 14 states. And because they taste like crap in all 50 states.

A new study says that World Cup matches improve your mental health. Unless you are a goalie for England.

A study says that air pollution is being linked to sleep breathing problems. In related news, everybody in New Jersey has been given an oxygen mask.

A study says that only 13% of the meals in U.S. homes are prepared by men. The other 87% of meals were not cooked in a microwave.

AOL is selling its social networking site Bebo. The opening bid for the site is 99 cents.

Toyota announced it will resume construction of a factory in Mississippi that was halted because of the recession. It's the first time that "Toyota" and "halted" have been used in the same sentence.

That's all for right now! More coming later!

"Undelivered Mail and Ads"

Joke of the Day: In the finale of Fox’s hit show “24”, government agent Jack Bauer was shot and beaten, but he was able to walk away. The episode is called, "A Day in the Life of a Rapper".

North Korea cut all ties with South Korea and said it will start a series of punitive actions against them. For starters, North Korea will play Justin Bieber music at full volume.

The 2014 Super Bowl will be held in February outdoors at the new Meadowlands Stadium in New Jersey. The loser of the Super Bowl will be punished by staying in New Jersey.

Thousands of pieces of undelivered mail and ads from the early 1990s have been found in a shed in Michigan. Strangely enough, they were all Victoria's Secret catalogs.

Christina Aguilera has cancelled her US tour, claiming she needs more time to practice. I'm not sure she can wait another 45 years.

NBA Coach Phil Jackson said that he doesn't want to coach for the Chicago Bulls, but he was "intrigued" by the New Jersey Nets. That's like me saying, "Nah, I don't want to write comedy material for Jay Leno. However, I did hear that Carrot Top is hiring!".

Health officials say one reason so many American kids are overweight is that few have a nearby place to play and exercise. Their parents were able to figure it out. They call it, "A backyard".

President Obama is becoming frustrated with the BP oil spill, and he is saying that he wants to "plug the damn hole". Either that, or he was talking about Joe Biden.

That's all for now. More later!

"A Tumultuous 16-Month Tenure"

Joke of the Day: A study says that fish fear their own reflections and won’t stare at themselves in a mirror. Who knew so many fish lived in Hollywood?

Pres. Obama’s National Intelligence Director Dennis Blair is resigning this month after a tumultuous 16-month tenure. This is different from former President Bush, who didn't have anything to do with intelligence.

McDonald’s Corp. CEO Jim Skinner announced that the corporate clown Ronald McDonald will not be retiring. I thought the corporate clown was their CEO.

A parents group is threatening CBS with challenges if they continue to use the title “$#!% My Dad Says” for one of their newly announced shows. $#!% My Dad Says? CBS already has a show like that. It's called "The Late Show With David Letterman".

A man who told police that God told him to walk the streets naked to save his soul has been arrested. Strangely enough, the man's name was Adam.

The Netherlands has launched a special driving exam for people who suffer from acute test anxiety. It's called, "If You Are Scared To Drive, Get A Taxi".

Officials say a mix-up led a school bus driver in northern New Jersey to start to take students to an amusement park instead of school. I guess New Jersey doesn't suck after all.

AAA says that more people will be on the highway for the Memorial Day Weekend than last year. In an unrelated story, AA says that their members shouldn't be on the highway period.

A Goldman Sachs economist says that the debt crisis is good for the Euro. Then again, what does a guy from Goldman Sachs know about what's good for money?

A survey says that 63% of married women would rather sleep, watch a movie or read than have sex. That same survey said that 100% of men would rather have sex than watch a movie, sleep, or read.

A study says that belly fat is linked with the shrinkage of brain volume. In that case, how come people say I'm so smart?

That's all for now. One of my fellow comedy writing friends, Neil Berliner, just called me "Rookie of the Year". I'm really excited that I'm that good at writing jokes. More later!

"Cognitive Capabilities"

Joke of the Day: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie wants to shut down the state’s remaining highway restrooms to save money. You know what people call a highway restroom in New Jersey? A highway.

Pres. Obama scolded Wall Street Friday, but added that he does not begrudge anyone success when the success is earned. In other words, Obama has never been able to begrudge himself.

In Arizona, state legislators are pushing a bill that would require Pres. Obama to show his birth certificate in order to get on the 2012 ballot. They are also pushing a bill that would require Sarah Palin to show her literacy certificate.

A new study from Florida State Univ. says that good teachers can help their students to read faster. I have to ask. Since when are college students having trouble reading?

Research scientists in Borneo have discovered what is believed to be the world’s biggest slug. Kirstie Alley.

All top NFL draft picks have to take a Wonderlic test to help determine their cognitive capabilities. Which explains why USC didn't have many players picked.

Some of next year’s NCAA basketball games will be televised on TruTV. They will even have one of Gilbert Arenas' classic games. This game will ironically be presented by the Smoking Gun.

A study says violent video games can actually make people smarter. Except when it comes to talking to the opposite sex.

An ESPN movie called “The Two Escobars” deals with Colombia and the country’s obsession with soccer and cocaine. Colombia calls soccer "football". So a special on a country's obsession with football and cocaine would be called "The United States".

Naomi Campbell reportedly swatted an ABC camera after a recent interview. Apparently what made her do that was when the reporter said, "So, pretend the camera is a taxi driver".

A government investigation says that SEC staffers who were supposed to be policing the financial system were watching online porn while the economy was crashing. At least they didn't have to go to a bondage night club.

Schools across the country are urging parents not to take their kids to work on “take your son or daughter to work” days. Especially if you work at JFK International.

Australians are afraid that trends towards obesity in their country could turn them into “fat Americans”. Actually, it would simply turn them into "Americans".

FINALLY FROM FELLOW COMEDY WRITER FRIEND PAUL SEABURN
NCAA has decided to expand the March Madness men's basketball tournament from 65 to 68 teams beginning next year. This will give spots to Cinderella’s two ugly stepsisters and her stepmom.

"In Place Of Shoe Boxes"

Joke of the Day: An 86 year old pilot with bad eyesight has been blamed for a fatal crash in Ohio in 2008. I blame the people who hired him.

It's being reported that al-Qaida is in financial ruin. So not only is the US fighting al-Qaida, but we are influencing them as well.

Bill Clinton says President Obama should look beyond judges for the upcoming Supreme Court nomination. Because when I think of people who should be Supreme Court Judges, I look for people who are not judges.

Alex Rodriguez now has more home runs than Mark McGwire, with 584. He is now in 3rd place, behind Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds, on baseball's prestigious steroid users list.

Cuban cigar legend Alejandro Robaina has died at 91. He plans to be cremated with a lighter and his ashes will go in a large cigar carton.

Athletic shoe maker Puma will use reusable bags in place of shoe boxes. I guess Puma is tired of helping elementary school students with art projects.

A study says jealousy can make you blind, or at least affect the way you see things. In a sense, this means that people become less jealous overtime.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says the league will be “thorough” with its probe of Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. I'm sure that the last thing Roethlisberger needs right now is a probing.

TV talk show host Conan O’Brien celebrated his 47th birthday on Sunday. NBC plans to give him a birthday present. A free haircut.

This is National Coin Week. The US Economy says that they are unable to celebrate.

Members of the Los Angeles Police Department stood between white supremacists and counter-demonstrators at LA City Hall, Sunday. You know things in LA are crazy when even the LAPD is stopping white supremacists from fighting.

A New Jersey man is being held in police custody for intentionally vomiting on a Philadelphia Phillies fan and his daughter. Or, as the suspect calls it, "The New Jersey Experience".

An Ohio woman who became the youngest person to row across the Atlantic says she got through the journey thanks to iPods, chocolate bars and audio books. On the other hand, I'm sure these are three things that would prevent people from going in the first place.

I hope the quality of these jokes were good. More to come tomorrow and thanks for reading!

"40 Different Charities"

Joke of the Day: Cafeteria workers at Atlantic City High School in New Jersey served only cheese sandwiches Wednesday and Thursday as punishment for a cell-phone-coordinated food fight. Isn't living in New Jersey punishment enough?

Pres. and Mrs. Obama reportedly donated $329,000 to 40 different charities for tax deductions, last year. I don't know how Obama came up with $329,000, especially considering the economy.

The 20-year-old college student who accused Ben Roethlisberger of sexual assault told police she told him that she didn't want to have sex. Then again, telling Roethlisberger "No" is like telling Joe Biden to "Shut up".

Minority Republican lawmakers sponsored a resolution this week honoring the 100-year anniversary of the Boy Scouts. Still no word on how they celebrated.

The interim government has received ousted Kyrgyz President Kurmanbek Bakiyev's resignation letter, Russian news agencies reported. His reason for his resignation was that he had too many vowels in his name.

A Michigan man could face life in prison after he allegedly tortured and ultimately killed his girlfriend's 4-year-old son last week for wetting his pants, prosecutors say. The boy apparently died of embarrassment.

"A Reality Show For Alaska"

The FAA is investigating an air traffic controller who brought his two children in to work and let them transmit directions to pilots. A pilot would only do that if he was really drunk, and we know that would never happen.

Jay Leno beat David Letterman soundly in his return to the "Tonight Show" with his guest Sarah Palin. Yeah, after the joke about Palin's daughter, I don't think Letterman is ever going to have Sarah Palin as a guest.

McDonald's and Weight Watchers are teaming up to help kids in New Zealand lose weight. Weight Watchers plans to use the slogan, "Eat our food, not theirs".

Scientists wants to give the name "Hella" to a number that is represented by a 1 followed by 27 zeros. Hella is actually the abbreviated version. The long version is "That's one hella number".

Captain "Sully" Sullenberger piloted his final flight on U.S. Airways, from Florida to North Carolina. Passengers were confused when Sully said he would land in the Atlantic Ocean.

Tiger Woods' caddy Steve Williams says he is mad at Tiger over his sex scandal. He added, "Really Tiger, you are much better than that. I mean a Perkins waitress, really?"

A study says that ads trying to get people to stop drinking and driving or stop smoking may have the opposite effect because they use guilt and shame. And a car full of olives and red wine.

Continental Airlines will let passengers buy extra legroom for a $59 fee. In addition, if the passengers pay an extra $20, the stewardesses will steal a laptop from one of the pilots.

New York Gov. David Paterson is accused of accepting free Yankees tickets to the 2009 World Series. Paterson is being sued for $100,000, which coincidentally was the value of one of the tickets.

The head of the Russian Olympic Committee resigned following their worst-ever Winter Olympics showing. That guy should be happy that Joseph Stalin isn't alive. He would have been killed before he could quit.

Sarah Palin is trying to go to the producer of "Survivor" to pitch an idea for a reality show for Alaska. However, wasn't Palin kind of already on "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here: Alaskan Government Edition"?

More than 250 silver coins dating back to the time of Alexander the Great were unearthed in northern Syria. These coins are going to be donated to the disaster relief efforts. That is, our government.

A woman in New Jersey made a snow sculpture of a naked woman, then was forced to clothe it after complaints that it was offensive. After all, the citizens didn't want to tarnish the reputation of New Jersey.

That's it for today, I hope to have better ones tomorrow. I felt I was a little off today.