President Obama has a proposed budget of $4 trillion. At least half of it will be used to pay for Game of War ads.
A Redskins fan paid $1,522 for a cast worn by Robert Griffin III. Who knows about overpaying for a useless item more than RGIII and the Redskins?
A survey says the most popular Valentine’s date meal is sushi. Yep, men spend Valentine's Day eating raw fish, and then they go on a sushi date.
Brian Williams has come under fire for fabricating a story about a chopper he was in during the Iraq War. I'm not saying Brian Williams has lost his credibility, but his most recent story was about me going on a date last Saturday night.
RadioShack filed for bankruptcy. So now if I want the newest electronics, I'll go to the place I was already going to instead of RadioShack.
Bruce Jenner is reportedly transitioning to become a woman. Apparently this news left Bobbi Kristina Brown speechless.
A Chinese developer has created a video game controller that's controlled by the vagina. Also controlled by the vagina: men.
Cincinnati Bengals QB Andy Dalton made the Pro Bowl this year. He's great for the Pro Bowl because it allows him to showcase his greatest strength: throwing to players who play for other teams.
Cincinnati Bengals QB Andy Dalton made the Pro Bowl this year. Pro Bowl officials decided to let him in after 36 other quarterbacks, six rocks, and a Denny's manager were deemed unavailable.
The Mueller Report says NFL didn't investigate into the Ray Rice domestic violence situation enough. Meanwhile, the Schubert Report says Ray Rice shouldn't have hit his wife in the first place.
Police in KY killed the first cougar seen there since the Civil War. It's a shame the cougar died before it got the chance to blow George Clooney.
A store in Paris uses 3D printing to sell mini versions of people. They're selling a mini version of me, and it comes with a mini girl that runs from it.
On NPR, Bill Cosby refused to deny the rape allegations against him. This proves once and for all that he doesn't see any value in the word "no".
Black Eyes Peas singer Fergie is pregnant. She knew she might have been pregnant when her period was so two thousand and late.
That's all I have for right now. Well, I don't know what else to say about my comedy grind except for the fact that it's been going well. No, I haven't been booked yet, but I'm working on that. All my club sets have gone really really well as of late, and I'll be going to more clubs as time goes on. In March alone, I'll be performing in at least two clubs (Go Bananas in Cincy on the 4th and Wiley's in Dayton on the 22nd). I'm really excited for how everything is going to turn out, because I feel as if I'm starting to hit a groove with this thing. As for the diet, for the first time since my junior year of high school, I'm under 200 pounds (194 as of right now)! That means that I've lost a total of 60 pounds so far. I know, that weight is gonna seem real shitty in a few months as I'm still losing more and more weight. I feel better about myself than I have in a long time. Anyway, enough of the petty bullshit. I'll have a new batch of dick jokes soon for you guys. More to come later!
Showing posts with label Men. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Men. Show all posts
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
"A Drunk Diet"
Today has been dubbed “Single-Tasking Day”. I read about it on my phone while driving.
Egypt wants to freeze the assets of ousted former Pres. Hosni Mubarak and his family. They not only want to freeze his assets, but they want to kick his ass.
Jesse James says he’ll write a tell-all memoir called “American Outlaw”. He can't do that. Lindsay Lohan already took that title.
In a recent Central Hockey League game, a Colorado Eagles coach, angry at a ref’s call, stripped off his clothes and threw them on the ice. Because if there's anything I want to do in a really cold atmosphere, it's to take all my clothes off.
An Egyptian man has named his daughter “Facebook” in honor of the role the site played in the recent government overthrow. If I feel sorry for anybody, it's the kid named Myspace who was born four years ago.
A survey says that 51% of women would give up sex for a full year in exchange for being thinner. The same study said that 0% of men would do the same thing.
Lady Gaga has endorsed a drunk diet that allows her to keep drinking and not gain weight. In a related story, Lindsay Lohan has been diagnosed with anorexia.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Egypt wants to freeze the assets of ousted former Pres. Hosni Mubarak and his family. They not only want to freeze his assets, but they want to kick his ass.
Jesse James says he’ll write a tell-all memoir called “American Outlaw”. He can't do that. Lindsay Lohan already took that title.
In a recent Central Hockey League game, a Colorado Eagles coach, angry at a ref’s call, stripped off his clothes and threw them on the ice. Because if there's anything I want to do in a really cold atmosphere, it's to take all my clothes off.
An Egyptian man has named his daughter “Facebook” in honor of the role the site played in the recent government overthrow. If I feel sorry for anybody, it's the kid named Myspace who was born four years ago.
A survey says that 51% of women would give up sex for a full year in exchange for being thinner. The same study said that 0% of men would do the same thing.
Lady Gaga has endorsed a drunk diet that allows her to keep drinking and not gain weight. In a related story, Lindsay Lohan has been diagnosed with anorexia.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
"Feeding Him Popcorn"
First Lady Michelle Obama says the president has not smoked a cigarette in nearly a year. Unfortunately, the President is probably going to get smoked in 2012.
There are rumors that Bristol Palin will have a memoir published by this summer. For the love of God, will anybody smart write a book?
Yankees star Alex Rodriguez is livid that a Fox cameraman caught girlfriend Cameron Diaz feeding him popcorn during the Super Bowl. He's actually mad because Alex had to pay for the popcorn himself.
The New York Mets farm team, the Brooklyn Cyclones, invited Christina Aguilera to sing the National Anthem before one of their games. What could possibly go wrong?
A Picasso painting of his teenage lover sold at auction for $40 Million. What confuses me is that he would be attracted to someone whose eyes are on their stomach.
A study says that kids who are almost popular are most likely to torment their peers. In a related story, I have been named "Least Likely to Become a Bully" at my high school.
A U.K. man with a low IQ has been banned from having sex with other people. A stupid man has been banned from sex. In the U.S., his name is Charlie Sheen.
An English woman died after having butt implant surgery at a hotel in Philadelphia. If she stayed alive, she would have qualified as a Kardashian.
Taco Bell is offering free tacos through Facebook as a response to a lawsuit claiming their taco filling is not really meat. The joke's on them because half of the people that signed up were vegans.
A study says that 36% of Americans would rather give up sex for a month than give up the remote. These people are called "men".
A survey says that children are often happier with their online lives than they are with reality. This is mainly because children have a hard time finding porn in reality.
There are rumors that Bristol Palin will have a memoir published by this summer. For the love of God, will anybody smart write a book?
Yankees star Alex Rodriguez is livid that a Fox cameraman caught girlfriend Cameron Diaz feeding him popcorn during the Super Bowl. He's actually mad because Alex had to pay for the popcorn himself.
The New York Mets farm team, the Brooklyn Cyclones, invited Christina Aguilera to sing the National Anthem before one of their games. What could possibly go wrong?
A Picasso painting of his teenage lover sold at auction for $40 Million. What confuses me is that he would be attracted to someone whose eyes are on their stomach.
A study says that kids who are almost popular are most likely to torment their peers. In a related story, I have been named "Least Likely to Become a Bully" at my high school.
A U.K. man with a low IQ has been banned from having sex with other people. A stupid man has been banned from sex. In the U.S., his name is Charlie Sheen.
An English woman died after having butt implant surgery at a hotel in Philadelphia. If she stayed alive, she would have qualified as a Kardashian.
Taco Bell is offering free tacos through Facebook as a response to a lawsuit claiming their taco filling is not really meat. The joke's on them because half of the people that signed up were vegans.
A study says that 36% of Americans would rather give up sex for a month than give up the remote. These people are called "men".
A survey says that children are often happier with their online lives than they are with reality. This is mainly because children have a hard time finding porn in reality.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
"Just As Enjoyable"
On January 10, 1776, Thomas Paine published his 50-page pamphlet titled “Common Sense”. This books talks about the main thing that the cast of Jersey Shore does not have.
More than 13 inches of snow fell on Tennessee. At least the men said it was 13 inches, but the women said it was only like 5-6 inches.
A Phoenix radio station has offered Bristol Palin a job as a morning drive-time on-air co-host. Because nothing wakes you up and prepares you for the day better than listening to a Palin talking.
Sarah Palin says she is not negotiating for another season of the reality show “Sarah Palin's Alaska”. On behalf of all three viewers of TLC, I would like to say thank you.
A study says that music is just as enjoyable to the brain as sex. In that case, is listening to "The Sex Pistols" a double whammy?
California Governor Jerry Brown is seeing to keep a series of tax increases in place for the next five years. California has a new nickname for Brown: One-Term.
Marshawn Lynch’s 67 yard touchdown run that helped beat New Orleans at Seattle’s Qwest Field actually showed up on a nearby seismic monitoring station. It was from the crowd realizing that the Seahawks having a chance to win.
MTV is launching a comedy awards show. Because nothing says "comedy" like "Music Television".
Former “Jersey Shore” cast member Angelina Pivarnick is reportedly looking to become a pro wrestler. Of course, wrestling and Jersey Shore are very different. One of them involves people fighting for no reason but for pure entertainment, and the other one is wrestling.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
More than 13 inches of snow fell on Tennessee. At least the men said it was 13 inches, but the women said it was only like 5-6 inches.
A Phoenix radio station has offered Bristol Palin a job as a morning drive-time on-air co-host. Because nothing wakes you up and prepares you for the day better than listening to a Palin talking.
Sarah Palin says she is not negotiating for another season of the reality show “Sarah Palin's Alaska”. On behalf of all three viewers of TLC, I would like to say thank you.
A study says that music is just as enjoyable to the brain as sex. In that case, is listening to "The Sex Pistols" a double whammy?
California Governor Jerry Brown is seeing to keep a series of tax increases in place for the next five years. California has a new nickname for Brown: One-Term.
Marshawn Lynch’s 67 yard touchdown run that helped beat New Orleans at Seattle’s Qwest Field actually showed up on a nearby seismic monitoring station. It was from the crowd realizing that the Seahawks having a chance to win.
MTV is launching a comedy awards show. Because nothing says "comedy" like "Music Television".
Former “Jersey Shore” cast member Angelina Pivarnick is reportedly looking to become a pro wrestler. Of course, wrestling and Jersey Shore are very different. One of them involves people fighting for no reason but for pure entertainment, and the other one is wrestling.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, November 27, 2010
"Quidditch Lingerie"
English turkey tycoon Bernard Matthews died on Thanksgiving Day at age 80. That's like Santa Claus dying on Christmas.
A Florida man was killed on a golf course after being hit by a golf ball. His last words were "Four what?".
Jobless flight attendants in Mexico are getting attention after posing for a sexy calendar. The calendar was called, "Twelve months of going through the TSA".
Doctors are warning of the dangers of possible infections spread during TSA patdowns. Didn't they used to be called "STDs"?
A Florida lesbian resort is welcoming men guests because of the bad economy. In fact, every single male guest that went to that resort had a video camera.
A Spanish woman claims to own the sun and says she will charge everyone for its use. What's she going to do if nobody pays? Is she going to just take it away?
A Michigan man will stand trial in the sodomy of his pet pit bull. And Michael Vick was doing so well.
A survey says that 9 in 10 students admit to texting while in class. The other student does not own a cell phone.
Apple has put a stop to a company making dolls in the likeness of Steve Jobs. Mainly because they haven't come out with a newer doll of him in three months.
Fran Drescher says she is considering a run for Congress. Who knew Congress could get more annoying?
An Australian entrepreneur has developed odor trapping underwear. Isn't that called a diaper?
Warner Brothers is trademarking "Quidditch lingerie". To which most Harry Potter watchers ask, "What's lingerie?".
Reports are saying that a San Diego drug tunnel had a railcar and tons of pot. It bore a striking resemblance to Willie Nelson's tour bus.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A Florida man was killed on a golf course after being hit by a golf ball. His last words were "Four what?".
Jobless flight attendants in Mexico are getting attention after posing for a sexy calendar. The calendar was called, "Twelve months of going through the TSA".
Doctors are warning of the dangers of possible infections spread during TSA patdowns. Didn't they used to be called "STDs"?
A Florida lesbian resort is welcoming men guests because of the bad economy. In fact, every single male guest that went to that resort had a video camera.
A Spanish woman claims to own the sun and says she will charge everyone for its use. What's she going to do if nobody pays? Is she going to just take it away?
A Michigan man will stand trial in the sodomy of his pet pit bull. And Michael Vick was doing so well.
A survey says that 9 in 10 students admit to texting while in class. The other student does not own a cell phone.
Apple has put a stop to a company making dolls in the likeness of Steve Jobs. Mainly because they haven't come out with a newer doll of him in three months.
Fran Drescher says she is considering a run for Congress. Who knew Congress could get more annoying?
An Australian entrepreneur has developed odor trapping underwear. Isn't that called a diaper?
Warner Brothers is trademarking "Quidditch lingerie". To which most Harry Potter watchers ask, "What's lingerie?".
Reports are saying that a San Diego drug tunnel had a railcar and tons of pot. It bore a striking resemblance to Willie Nelson's tour bus.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, June 18, 2010
"2 Billion Gallons"
Joke of the Day: Estonia recently held its first ever mosquito-catching contest. The winner received a year's supply of band-aids and ointment.
BP CEO Tony Hayward told Congress that as much as 2 billion gallons of oil have gushed into the Gulf of Mexico. Um, yeah, about that "progress" that you have been making...
The NCAA placed the University of San Francisco on 2-year probation over improper scholarship money for athletes. That's quite odd. Who knew anybody was paying attention to the University of San Francisco?
A Southern Illinois singer has hit the lowest note ever recorded. Even BP was going, "Man, how can he get so low?".
Campbell Soup Co. is recalling 15 million pounds of Spaghetti O's with meatballs after a cooker malfunctioned at one of the company's plants in Texas and left the meat undercooked. Uh oh!
Officials in Arkansas are investigating a shipment of 40 to 60 human heads found by Southwest Airlines employees at a cargo facility last week in Little Rock. They were cut off after Southwest discovered that they had head rests.
A man has been arrested for allegedly kidnapping actor Jeremy London and forcing him to use drugs, police said Thursday. That must explain his acting.
ConAgra Foods is recalling all Marie Callender's brand cheesy chicken and rice frozen meals after they have been possibly linked to a salmonella outbreak in 14 states. And because they taste like crap in all 50 states.
A new study says that World Cup matches improve your mental health. Unless you are a goalie for England.
A study says that air pollution is being linked to sleep breathing problems. In related news, everybody in New Jersey has been given an oxygen mask.
A study says that only 13% of the meals in U.S. homes are prepared by men. The other 87% of meals were not cooked in a microwave.
AOL is selling its social networking site Bebo. The opening bid for the site is 99 cents.
Toyota announced it will resume construction of a factory in Mississippi that was halted because of the recession. It's the first time that "Toyota" and "halted" have been used in the same sentence.
That's all for right now! More coming later!
BP CEO Tony Hayward told Congress that as much as 2 billion gallons of oil have gushed into the Gulf of Mexico. Um, yeah, about that "progress" that you have been making...
The NCAA placed the University of San Francisco on 2-year probation over improper scholarship money for athletes. That's quite odd. Who knew anybody was paying attention to the University of San Francisco?
A Southern Illinois singer has hit the lowest note ever recorded. Even BP was going, "Man, how can he get so low?".
Campbell Soup Co. is recalling 15 million pounds of Spaghetti O's with meatballs after a cooker malfunctioned at one of the company's plants in Texas and left the meat undercooked. Uh oh!
Officials in Arkansas are investigating a shipment of 40 to 60 human heads found by Southwest Airlines employees at a cargo facility last week in Little Rock. They were cut off after Southwest discovered that they had head rests.
A man has been arrested for allegedly kidnapping actor Jeremy London and forcing him to use drugs, police said Thursday. That must explain his acting.
ConAgra Foods is recalling all Marie Callender's brand cheesy chicken and rice frozen meals after they have been possibly linked to a salmonella outbreak in 14 states. And because they taste like crap in all 50 states.
A new study says that World Cup matches improve your mental health. Unless you are a goalie for England.
A study says that air pollution is being linked to sleep breathing problems. In related news, everybody in New Jersey has been given an oxygen mask.
A study says that only 13% of the meals in U.S. homes are prepared by men. The other 87% of meals were not cooked in a microwave.
AOL is selling its social networking site Bebo. The opening bid for the site is 99 cents.
Toyota announced it will resume construction of a factory in Mississippi that was halted because of the recession. It's the first time that "Toyota" and "halted" have been used in the same sentence.
That's all for right now! More coming later!
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