Because of the coronavirus, many people are practicing better hygiene in order to not contract it. Meanwhile, there’s probably several teenagers out there who hope to actually contract it just so they can get a bunch of social media likes.
Because of the coronavirus, many people are practicing better hygiene in order to not contract it. And this outbreak has been especially wild for the incel community, as many of them had to buy soap for the first time.
New Orleans Saints HC Sean Payton has been diagnosed with coronavirus. It must’ve been easy for him to catch this airborne disease, especially considering his starting QB’s name is Brees.
Vegas has been shut down amid coronavirus fears. So, basically, a man planned to go to Vegas to bet and see when coronavirus quarantines would be over, and Vegas then said, “Hold my beer.”
A 103 year old woman in Iran has survived coronavirus. This is incredibly surprising. A woman in Iran is allowed to live?
Country music star Kenny Rogers has died at the age of 81. Apparently the age of 81 was when Rogers knew when to fold ‘em.
The coronavirus has been linked to bats, an animal known to hang upside down in caves. Which totally explains why COVID-19 was originally COVID-61.
A group of spring breakers in Tampa were diagnosed with the coronavirus. The coronavirus they caught was described as the least deadly disease ever caught while on a Spring break trip.
A man in Arizona died after ingesting a substance that Donald Trump said could treat coronavirus. Though to be fair, the substance was highly heralded by scientists who graduated from Trump University.
The Library of Congress has honored the Village People. It marks the first time in history that Washington D.C. has ever done something nice for a Native American.
Due to the coronavirus outbreak causing business to close, strippers in Portland are delivering themselves to clients’ homes for private dances. This Portland-based delivery service is more commonly known as “WhoreDash”.
An eight year old in Toronto won $200 worth of cannabis products at a youth hockey tournament. After claiming the cannabis prizes, he watched hours of cartoons, ate several bags of potato chips, and laid around for several hours. And then he ingested the pot.
The COVID-19 stimulus bill will give $500 per person’s child in America. In a related story, Antonio Cromartie has a plan to pay off the national debt.
Donald Trump reportedly suggested that the US and Germany should be enemies because of the fact that Germany was an enemy during World War II. This is yet another one of Donald Trump’s ideologies that haven’t evolved beyond the 1940s.
One of the highest ranking officials in the Catholic church has been diagnosed with the coronavirus. In a related story, the coronavirus death toll among altar boys is expected to skyrocket.
Teachers across America have been writing encouraging messages on kids’ driveways in chalk due to schools not being in session. This beats the old way that teachers did it: texting them encouraging messages along with a picture of them in a bikini.
That's all I have for now, from the quarantined month of March. It's been wild to say the least. The world might be ending, and I've done a handful of virtual open mics, but comedy is getting increasingly difficult to focus on. But I'm happy with my friends and family who are extra supportive during this wild time of staying home from comedy shows, DJ nights, trivia nights, etc. Also, I'm officially one fourth of the way to my goal of writing a monologue joke for every day of the year! More jokey jokes coming in April.
Showing posts with label Iran. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Iran. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 31, 2020
Sunday, March 15, 2020
"Leave Room For The Holy Spirit"
Mike Pence once said that cigarettes don’t kill. This marks the first time that Mike Pence has been indifferent towards fags.
A dog tested positive for the coronavirus in Hong Kong. Either that, or he took his owner’s “Play dead” command way too far.
Pete Davidson has released a new hour special entitled “Alive from New York”. His new hour of material was heavily criticized by comedians with seven minutes of material.
Mike Bloomberg has dropped out of the presidential race. Due to the cancellation of his campaign, YouTube was forced to lay off 50% of its workforce.
Iran has temporarily released 54,000 prisoners to combat coronavirus. And once the fear of coronavirus is over, all 54,000 of those journalists will be required to return to their prison cells.
Azriel Clary said that singer R. Kelly forced her to eat feces. Even worse, before receiving the cup, she was allegedly forced to tell R. Kelly, "Baby gimme that toot toot."
A report says that coronavirus could have a very devastating effect on America’s malls. So much so, in fact, that affected mall employees won’t be able to show up to work to put up “Mall Closing” signs.
The NBA could ban fans from games due to coronavirus. In fact, the NBA added that to properly quarantine oneself, the safest place to be where you won't be around people is a Pistons game.
A family in Australia mistakenly ordered 12 years worth of toilet paper. This should cover them for years should they have a problem in the land down under.
Ted Cruz will quarantine himself at his Texas home and not participate in government activities due to his exposure to the coronavirus. Meaning he will get exactly as much done this week as he would’ve gotten done had he been elected President.
Ted Cruz will quarantine himself at his Texas home due to his exposure to the coronavirus. It’s similar to when he quarantined himself after his interaction with a same sex couple.
The Atlanta Braves played "I Saw The Sign" to troll the Houston Astros. They did this after they cheated to win the World Series in 2017 and became that year's Ace of Base-ball.
Due to coronavirus, Broadway will shut down for one month. Or in Broadway terms, forty three thouuuusand eight hundred miiiinutes.
The Cincinnati Bengals released OT Cordy Glenn. I'm not saying the Cincinnati Bengals disliked Cordy Glenn, but right before they released him, they offered to trade him to the Utah Jazz.
Donald Trump has been encouraging people to practice social distancing. If Donald Trump was a true Christian, he wouldn't say, "Practice social distancing." He'd say, "Leave room for the Holy Spirit."
Welp. That's it for now. Everything's being shut down now for an indefinite time period and I don't know what to think. Who knows how long this will last. Hopefully I get to perform standup sooner than ever, and we can go back to bombing at open mics and supporting each and every one of our friends through our dreams of becoming professional comedians!
A dog tested positive for the coronavirus in Hong Kong. Either that, or he took his owner’s “Play dead” command way too far.
Pete Davidson has released a new hour special entitled “Alive from New York”. His new hour of material was heavily criticized by comedians with seven minutes of material.
Mike Bloomberg has dropped out of the presidential race. Due to the cancellation of his campaign, YouTube was forced to lay off 50% of its workforce.
Iran has temporarily released 54,000 prisoners to combat coronavirus. And once the fear of coronavirus is over, all 54,000 of those journalists will be required to return to their prison cells.
Azriel Clary said that singer R. Kelly forced her to eat feces. Even worse, before receiving the cup, she was allegedly forced to tell R. Kelly, "Baby gimme that toot toot."
A report says that coronavirus could have a very devastating effect on America’s malls. So much so, in fact, that affected mall employees won’t be able to show up to work to put up “Mall Closing” signs.
The NBA could ban fans from games due to coronavirus. In fact, the NBA added that to properly quarantine oneself, the safest place to be where you won't be around people is a Pistons game.
A family in Australia mistakenly ordered 12 years worth of toilet paper. This should cover them for years should they have a problem in the land down under.
Ted Cruz will quarantine himself at his Texas home and not participate in government activities due to his exposure to the coronavirus. Meaning he will get exactly as much done this week as he would’ve gotten done had he been elected President.
Ted Cruz will quarantine himself at his Texas home due to his exposure to the coronavirus. It’s similar to when he quarantined himself after his interaction with a same sex couple.
The Atlanta Braves played "I Saw The Sign" to troll the Houston Astros. They did this after they cheated to win the World Series in 2017 and became that year's Ace of Base-ball.
Due to coronavirus, Broadway will shut down for one month. Or in Broadway terms, forty three thouuuusand eight hundred miiiinutes.
The Cincinnati Bengals released OT Cordy Glenn. I'm not saying the Cincinnati Bengals disliked Cordy Glenn, but right before they released him, they offered to trade him to the Utah Jazz.
Donald Trump has been encouraging people to practice social distancing. If Donald Trump was a true Christian, he wouldn't say, "Practice social distancing." He'd say, "Leave room for the Holy Spirit."
Welp. That's it for now. Everything's being shut down now for an indefinite time period and I don't know what to think. Who knows how long this will last. Hopefully I get to perform standup sooner than ever, and we can go back to bombing at open mics and supporting each and every one of our friends through our dreams of becoming professional comedians!
Monday, September 12, 2011
"A Young Dad"
One of Moammar Qaddafi’s sons has fled Libya and is hiding in the neighboring nation of Niger. And be very careful when pronouncing "Niger".
A new scientific study says babies can feel pain a couple of weeks prior to childbirth. Especially when the mom is Casey Anthony.
Samantha Stosur won the US Women's Open. Congratulations to her and the US Men's Open champion, Serena Williams.
AOL wants to merge with Yahoo. Their plan is to form the worst company in the history of the world.
Four men in Britain were arrested for enslaving 24 men and forcing them to work for no pay. They were charged with impersonating the 1860's.
Michelle Obama visited the U.S. Open and received some tips from John McEnroe. And apparently, so did Serena Williams.
Justin Bieber would like to be a “young dad”. Hey Bieber, I think that requires a penis.
Jon Gosselin told his ex-wife Kate that reality TV is not a career. And if there's anybody in the world that knows what a career is, it's Jon Gosselin.
Google is telling Iranian e-mail users to change their passwords to avoid online attacks. Since when are they allowed to have e-mail?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A new scientific study says babies can feel pain a couple of weeks prior to childbirth. Especially when the mom is Casey Anthony.
Samantha Stosur won the US Women's Open. Congratulations to her and the US Men's Open champion, Serena Williams.
AOL wants to merge with Yahoo. Their plan is to form the worst company in the history of the world.
Four men in Britain were arrested for enslaving 24 men and forcing them to work for no pay. They were charged with impersonating the 1860's.
Michelle Obama visited the U.S. Open and received some tips from John McEnroe. And apparently, so did Serena Williams.
Justin Bieber would like to be a “young dad”. Hey Bieber, I think that requires a penis.
Jon Gosselin told his ex-wife Kate that reality TV is not a career. And if there's anybody in the world that knows what a career is, it's Jon Gosselin.
Google is telling Iranian e-mail users to change their passwords to avoid online attacks. Since when are they allowed to have e-mail?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, February 14, 2011
"Encouraging Couples"
Monday is the start of National Condom Week. Oh, and it just happens to be Valentine's Day tomorrow. Coincidence?
Friday night’s NHL game between the Pittsburgh Penguins and New York Islanders featured 346 penalty minutes, 10 ejections, 15 fighting majors, and 20 misconducts. Said one fan, "I felt like I was in Egypt".
This Valentine’s Day, First Lady Michelle Obama is encouraging couples to laugh with their partners. In other words, she encouraged couples not to read my jokes.
A poll says Iran and North Korea are Americans’ least favorite countries. Ironically, Iran and North Korea are the two countries whose dictators are most likely to have a mental disease.
John Daly is using a TV built right into his golf bag to display advertising. Considering it's John Daly, I wonder what's going to be advertised.
Osama bin Laden’s cook had his sentence reduced from 14 years to just two. His crime: not poisoning Bin Laden's food.
President Obama wants to cut $2.5 Billion from the $5 Billion home heating program for the poor. Talk about frozen spending.
Michael Vick is going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey show. Oprah is already planning to give everyone a free dead dog.
A new study says that eating fiber may lead to a longer life. However, this study does not apply to your toilet.
A former Hungarian military officer has been charged with war crimes in the 1942 slaughter of 1,200 civilians in Serbia. He has been given a harsh prison sentence; five weeks to life.
McDonald’s saw a 5.3% growth in January. Of their customers' stomachs.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday night’s NHL game between the Pittsburgh Penguins and New York Islanders featured 346 penalty minutes, 10 ejections, 15 fighting majors, and 20 misconducts. Said one fan, "I felt like I was in Egypt".
This Valentine’s Day, First Lady Michelle Obama is encouraging couples to laugh with their partners. In other words, she encouraged couples not to read my jokes.
A poll says Iran and North Korea are Americans’ least favorite countries. Ironically, Iran and North Korea are the two countries whose dictators are most likely to have a mental disease.
John Daly is using a TV built right into his golf bag to display advertising. Considering it's John Daly, I wonder what's going to be advertised.
Osama bin Laden’s cook had his sentence reduced from 14 years to just two. His crime: not poisoning Bin Laden's food.
President Obama wants to cut $2.5 Billion from the $5 Billion home heating program for the poor. Talk about frozen spending.
Michael Vick is going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey show. Oprah is already planning to give everyone a free dead dog.
A new study says that eating fiber may lead to a longer life. However, this study does not apply to your toilet.
A former Hungarian military officer has been charged with war crimes in the 1942 slaughter of 1,200 civilians in Serbia. He has been given a harsh prison sentence; five weeks to life.
McDonald’s saw a 5.3% growth in January. Of their customers' stomachs.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
"Symptoms Of Depression"
January 4 is World Hypnotism Day. Today, for some reason, I have been getting very sleepy.
Goldman Sachs has invested $500 Million in Facebook. I'm shocked that the old people at Goldman Sachs know what Facebook actually is.
More than 500 Russian seamen are stranded in the Sea of Okhotsk by ice that is 6 feet thick. Meanwhile, immature Americans are laughing at the word "seamen".
It snowed along the Las Vegas Strip on Monday. In fact, it's so cold, men are being poked during lap dances at strip clubs.
Users of iPhones are angry that a software glitch rendered their alarm functions unusable early in 2011. They were as non-functional as an Amish electrical outlet.
Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis broke up after being together 8 years. Now, Macaulay really is Home Alone.
On his last day as California’s governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger commuted sentences on several criminals. Celebrities all across LA have said, "So? That happens to us all the time".
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is leaving office with a 22% popularity rating. To give you an idea about how bad that is, even Wall Street is laughing at them.
The Seattle Seahawks have won the NFC West with a 7-9 record. In an unrelated story, the Bengals have asked for a playoff spot.
A Christian group is saying that Biblical prophesies say the end of the world will begin in May. I'm sure what most people care about is when the world actually ends.
A poll says that most Americans want to tax the rich to balance the budget. I'm sure that'll go along great with the rich people.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s 33 year old Peugeot has received a bid of $1 Million in an auction. Really? I didn't even know anybody in Iran had that much money to begin with.
A record number of deaths in Japan have spurred hotels for the dead, where bodies are stored prior to funerals. Who would pay for that?
A study says that bright light may ease symptoms of depression in the elderly. That is, if they know how to turn it on.
David Arquette is in rehab for drinking and depression. Given those two things, he better have a room on the first floor.
A Florida man says he will spend the next 30 days in a fenced enclosure with two African lions. The funeral is tomorrow.
Brett Favre has officially announced his retirement. He says that he needs more time to text.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Goldman Sachs has invested $500 Million in Facebook. I'm shocked that the old people at Goldman Sachs know what Facebook actually is.
More than 500 Russian seamen are stranded in the Sea of Okhotsk by ice that is 6 feet thick. Meanwhile, immature Americans are laughing at the word "seamen".
It snowed along the Las Vegas Strip on Monday. In fact, it's so cold, men are being poked during lap dances at strip clubs.
Users of iPhones are angry that a software glitch rendered their alarm functions unusable early in 2011. They were as non-functional as an Amish electrical outlet.
Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis broke up after being together 8 years. Now, Macaulay really is Home Alone.
On his last day as California’s governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger commuted sentences on several criminals. Celebrities all across LA have said, "So? That happens to us all the time".
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is leaving office with a 22% popularity rating. To give you an idea about how bad that is, even Wall Street is laughing at them.
The Seattle Seahawks have won the NFC West with a 7-9 record. In an unrelated story, the Bengals have asked for a playoff spot.
A Christian group is saying that Biblical prophesies say the end of the world will begin in May. I'm sure what most people care about is when the world actually ends.
A poll says that most Americans want to tax the rich to balance the budget. I'm sure that'll go along great with the rich people.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s 33 year old Peugeot has received a bid of $1 Million in an auction. Really? I didn't even know anybody in Iran had that much money to begin with.
A record number of deaths in Japan have spurred hotels for the dead, where bodies are stored prior to funerals. Who would pay for that?
A study says that bright light may ease symptoms of depression in the elderly. That is, if they know how to turn it on.
David Arquette is in rehab for drinking and depression. Given those two things, he better have a room on the first floor.
A Florida man says he will spend the next 30 days in a fenced enclosure with two African lions. The funeral is tomorrow.
Brett Favre has officially announced his retirement. He says that he needs more time to text.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, September 20, 2010
"Contagious Yawning"
Republican Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell says she dabbled in witchcraft more than a decade ago in high school. Larry King even remembers the days when witchcraft was punishable by death.
The American woman who was held in Iran for more than 13 months says she is not a spy. To which Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said, "Oh, that's what they all say".
The NFL says members of the New York Jets behaved unprofessionally toward a female reporter. This even angered the Pittsburgh Steelers. They said, "You can't do that. That's our job".
The world famous soccer fan who said that she promised to run through the streets naked if Paraguay won the World Cup is featured in Playboy in Brazil. One way or another, we knew she was desperate to get naked.
The Montana GOP is endorsing a law that would make homosexual acts illegal. In other words, nobody in Montana is allowed to run for Senate, become a priest, or watch Glee.
Scientists have completed their genetic mapping of the cacao tree which accounts for most of the world’s chocolate. Coming in second place: the stomachs of Americans.
The new CBS show “Mike and Molly” is about two overweight people who meet at an Overeaters’ Anonymous meeting. Mainly because they were the only two people who were able to fit into the room.
A study says that children with autism are immune to contagious yawning. This is great news for me! Now I don't have to be bored like everyone else!
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
The American woman who was held in Iran for more than 13 months says she is not a spy. To which Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said, "Oh, that's what they all say".
The NFL says members of the New York Jets behaved unprofessionally toward a female reporter. This even angered the Pittsburgh Steelers. They said, "You can't do that. That's our job".
The world famous soccer fan who said that she promised to run through the streets naked if Paraguay won the World Cup is featured in Playboy in Brazil. One way or another, we knew she was desperate to get naked.
The Montana GOP is endorsing a law that would make homosexual acts illegal. In other words, nobody in Montana is allowed to run for Senate, become a priest, or watch Glee.
Scientists have completed their genetic mapping of the cacao tree which accounts for most of the world’s chocolate. Coming in second place: the stomachs of Americans.
The new CBS show “Mike and Molly” is about two overweight people who meet at an Overeaters’ Anonymous meeting. Mainly because they were the only two people who were able to fit into the room.
A study says that children with autism are immune to contagious yawning. This is great news for me! Now I don't have to be bored like everyone else!
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
"Working While Sick"
Police in North Dakota arrested a woman who allegedly walked into a drugstore wearing only a thong, pasties, a small towel and whipped cream. It turns out, it was just Paris Hilton looking for more prescription pain killers.
The American woman released by Iran after more than a year in prison said she was grateful to Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for her freedom. Of course, saying that was a part of her plea deal.
A firm handshake could be a sign of a longer life expectancy, according to British researchers. Unless you happen to introduce yourself to Mr. Death.
Justin Bieber is reportedly "trying to stay single". In an unrelated story, the suicide rate of desperate teenage girls has sharply increased.
A new study says that doctors are actually working while sick. Isn't that like an obese nutritionist?
Researchers say that cancer patients who die at home do so more peacefully. Coincidentally, the researchers are the ones paying for the treatment.
A University of Delaware graduate student has become the biggest one-day winner in the history of the game show "Jeopardy!". This is sure to be a huge hit in the Guinness Book Of Nerd Records.
A study says that more popular people tend to catch the flu before others because they are around so many people. In that case, why are the nerds always sick?
A poll says investors are wary of stock trading and feel that the market is not a fair place to put their money. The same poll said that french fries are bad for you.
The Pentagon says they will start weighing whether something is affordable before buying it. If it works, President Obama said that he may even try it.
President Obama is telling students to ignore bullies and to treat each other with kindness and respect. Unfortunately, that was the speech he was going to deliver to FOX News.
A study says that a gloomy personality may increase the risk of heart problems. Well that ought to cheer them up.
A study says that selfish people can actually benefit society overall. That's what Wall Street has been telling us all along.
LeBron James is listed as the sixth most unpopular professional athlete. Apparently this poll was not given in Miami.
A study by the University of Rochester says that people who play action video games tend to be better at making quick and accurate decisions. Except when it comes to women.
That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!
The American woman released by Iran after more than a year in prison said she was grateful to Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for her freedom. Of course, saying that was a part of her plea deal.
A firm handshake could be a sign of a longer life expectancy, according to British researchers. Unless you happen to introduce yourself to Mr. Death.
Justin Bieber is reportedly "trying to stay single". In an unrelated story, the suicide rate of desperate teenage girls has sharply increased.
A new study says that doctors are actually working while sick. Isn't that like an obese nutritionist?
Researchers say that cancer patients who die at home do so more peacefully. Coincidentally, the researchers are the ones paying for the treatment.
A University of Delaware graduate student has become the biggest one-day winner in the history of the game show "Jeopardy!". This is sure to be a huge hit in the Guinness Book Of Nerd Records.
A study says that more popular people tend to catch the flu before others because they are around so many people. In that case, why are the nerds always sick?
A poll says investors are wary of stock trading and feel that the market is not a fair place to put their money. The same poll said that french fries are bad for you.
The Pentagon says they will start weighing whether something is affordable before buying it. If it works, President Obama said that he may even try it.
President Obama is telling students to ignore bullies and to treat each other with kindness and respect. Unfortunately, that was the speech he was going to deliver to FOX News.
A study says that a gloomy personality may increase the risk of heart problems. Well that ought to cheer them up.
A study says that selfish people can actually benefit society overall. That's what Wall Street has been telling us all along.
LeBron James is listed as the sixth most unpopular professional athlete. Apparently this poll was not given in Miami.
A study by the University of Rochester says that people who play action video games tend to be better at making quick and accurate decisions. Except when it comes to women.
That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!
Monday, February 22, 2010
"He Won't Allow Heckling"
Former career home run king Hank Aaron says Mark McGwire should have a clear conscience after his recent admission he used performance-enhancing drugs as a player. To which Hank also said, "If only Barry Bonds could only do the same."
Goshen College in Indiana is lifting a 116 year old ban on playing the National Anthem at school events. This would definitely be significant news if anyone knew who they were.
A poll says that Canada rates as the favorite country of Americans, with Iran the least liked. When hearing of this, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadenijad said, "We will do the best we can to keep that ranking".
Israel has introduced a fleet of pilotless drones that can remain in the air for an entire day. America already has that. We call it "Northwest Airlines".
Cliff High School students studying World War I history saw a few seconds of pornography during viewing of a video about the 1919 Treaty of Versailles. Students were baffled when this happened. They asked, "Why did 1919 suddenly change to 6969?"
The Dalai Lama says that he had never heard of Tiger Woods. When someone told him who Tiger Woods was, he was confused. "I remember now, but doesn't he play golf too?"
The New York Times says that millions of Americans face going years without a job. Workers there were frightened. The article was entitled "Our budget cuts".
Tiger Woods' caddy Steve Williams says he won't allow any heckling when Woods returns to tournament play. He also said that he would try to keep the crowd in line.
A study says that overweight children are more likely to become depressed. That same study has found that the chairs of overweight people have an increased risk of suicide.
Major League Baseball has added 12 performance enhancing drugs and 30 stimulants to its "banned" list. At this rate, by 2011, Gatorade will have been banned.
Baseball players who have gone to arbitration this year averaged a 121% raise. Apparently, "arbitration" is a synonym of "government".
That's it for now! More soon.
Goshen College in Indiana is lifting a 116 year old ban on playing the National Anthem at school events. This would definitely be significant news if anyone knew who they were.
A poll says that Canada rates as the favorite country of Americans, with Iran the least liked. When hearing of this, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadenijad said, "We will do the best we can to keep that ranking".
Israel has introduced a fleet of pilotless drones that can remain in the air for an entire day. America already has that. We call it "Northwest Airlines".
Cliff High School students studying World War I history saw a few seconds of pornography during viewing of a video about the 1919 Treaty of Versailles. Students were baffled when this happened. They asked, "Why did 1919 suddenly change to 6969?"
The Dalai Lama says that he had never heard of Tiger Woods. When someone told him who Tiger Woods was, he was confused. "I remember now, but doesn't he play golf too?"
The New York Times says that millions of Americans face going years without a job. Workers there were frightened. The article was entitled "Our budget cuts".
Tiger Woods' caddy Steve Williams says he won't allow any heckling when Woods returns to tournament play. He also said that he would try to keep the crowd in line.
A study says that overweight children are more likely to become depressed. That same study has found that the chairs of overweight people have an increased risk of suicide.
Major League Baseball has added 12 performance enhancing drugs and 30 stimulants to its "banned" list. At this rate, by 2011, Gatorade will have been banned.
Baseball players who have gone to arbitration this year averaged a 121% raise. Apparently, "arbitration" is a synonym of "government".
That's it for now! More soon.
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