"Better Dancers"

JWOWW of “Jersey Shore” was patted down by TSA agents at an airport in Fargo, North Dakota. Not surprisingly, the patdown lasted over nine hours.

Parents are sending away for lollipops that have been licked by a child who has the chicken pox so their own children can get the disease. I miss the old days when young parents would just kill their kids.

Newt Gingrich has risen to the top in the polls of potential GOP presidential nominees. Congratulations, Barack.

A survey says that 12% of employees worldwide are optimistic. The other 88% have a boss.

A study says that nice guys make better dancers. You know what this means? White people are the meanest people on Earth.

A study says that male spiders that offer their mates useless gifts get turned down for sex. And by "spiders", I mean "people".

A study says that cleaning teeth can cut the risk of heart attack. Sorry about your luck, England.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"The Luckiest Town"

Libyan dictator Moammar Qaddafi has been killed. Or Gaddafi. Or Gadhafi. Or Khadafy. Or Ochocinco. I don't know. Point is, the dumbass is dead.

San Francisco is offering a tax break to businesses that hire ex-felons. This is great news for the Cincinnati Bengals.

The price of stamps at the Post Office will go up a penny next year. In other news, e-mail was invented 30 years ago.

Twitter claims there are now 250 Million tweets a day. And five of these are not about how much swag Justin Bieber supposedly has.

A Japanese engineer has taken Pi out to 10 Trillion digits. And guess what ladies! He's single!

A top NFL executive says having no stadium plan could endanger the Minnesota Vikings franchise. I think Donovan McNabb already endangered it enough.

San Diego was recently rated the luckiest town in the United States. I think the Padres will beg to differ.

A report says that women drivers are more at risk for injury in car crashes. Especially when they are the ones driving.

A study says that one in eight parents go online before taking their kids to the ER. The other seven have children that are still alive.

Justin Bieber recently said that his fans are perfect. Then he took a drug test and tested positive for hallucinogens.

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!

"Straw Poll"

The White House says it will start saving us all money by purchasing things in bulk. It looks like Costco has a new shopper!

A Republican member of congress says the Obama tax increases would make him unable to feed his family on a $400k budget. Where does this guy eat? At a baseball stadium?

Nigeria's government is telling people to ignore rumors that a phone call from a certain number will kill the person taking the call. This is what Americans call "a chain letter".

Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul has won California's straw poll. And by "straw poll", I mean the candidate that sucks the most.

Moammar Qaddafi says his regime is still alive in Libya. I'd compare his regime to the playoff chances of the Cincinnati Bengals.

Touring a meat processing plant in Iowa, Michele Bachmann was photographed among hanging beef. I wonder if touring a place with a lot of meat was Marcus' idea.

A kindergartner in Missouri brought a bag of crystal meth and a crack pipe to school for show and tell. I know what you all are thinking: Mom of the Year!

Starbucks is being sued after a hidden video camera was found in one of the unisex bathrooms. They said they are going to take about three weeks to look at the evidence.

Gisele Bundchen, supermodel wife of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, was stopped for speeding in Massachusetts and given only a verbal warning. As to where she was going, I would rule out any place with food.

Paula Abdul says that Simon Cowell has been her “best teacher”. I didn't know Simon Cowell knew how to swallow ten pills at once.

Casey Anthony says that she has "a lot of regrets". Let's hope killing her daughter is one of them.

A woman with a large Afro had her hair searched for bombs at an Atlanta airport. Even worse, the Afro wasn't on her head.

That's all I have for today! I'm so sorry for that last joke. Anyway, more tomorrow!

"Bad Mothering"

Five million people on the East Coast were without power following Hurricane Irene. Actually, five million and nine, if you count the New York Mets.

Jailed polygamist Warren Jeffs is in a coma due to dehydration following a multiple-day fast. Coma? If I were a doctor, I would put that douchebag to sleep.

Presidential candidate Michelle Bachmann says the east coast earthquake and hurricane were a message to Washington, D.C. from God. The message: They will soon be without power, like the rest of people on the east coast.

Two grown children in Chicago are suing their mom for “bad mothering”. It didn't help the mom's case when she appeared in court and said, "I have kids?".

Two Pennsylvania men were arrested for floating down a street in a raft during hurricane flooding and were charged with a lack of common sense. In an unrelated story, President Bush was seen in the electric chair.

A Cuban man is calling his 12 fingers a “blessing”. What's so great about not having a middle finger?

Justin Bieber was involved in a car crash. Unfortunately, he is going to be okay.

That's all I have for today! Well, my computer screen cracked, and these jokes are coming to you from my dorm's computer lab. FML. Anyway, more tomorrow!

"Lazy Whiners"

Thursday is Paris Hilton’s 30th birthday. That's approximately one year per I.Q. point.

A Pennsylvania high school teacher caused an uproar when she called her students “lazy whiners” in her blog. That's weird, usually, my parents are calling me and my brother that.

Borders bookstore filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. How can you file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy when almost none of your customers can get past chapter one?

Justin Bieber says that health care in Canada is much better than it is in the U.S. If health care was better in Canada, we would have never heard of Justin Bieber.

That's all! Sorry, but that's all I got for right now!

"Riddled With Errors"

Joke of the Day: Former “American Idol” winner Fantasia Barrino has been awarded her high school diploma. Even her former high school classmates are going, "Who is she again?".

The shares of BP dropped sharply in London amid a massive sell off. Don't they mean a massive oil spill?

CNBC financial host Suze Orman underwent an emergency appendectomy and had to have her appendix removed on Saturday. Apparently her appendix was suffering from heat exhaustion under her flashy jackets.

The Democrat Senate candidate in South Carolina is a 32-year-old man who lives with his parents and who’s been charged with showing obscene photos to a college woman. This guy was born to be a Senator.

A new survey found that 3 out of 4 Americans still believe that global warming is occurring. The other person didn't have Al Gore put a gun to their head.

Scientists say that the sun is about to become much more active, producing numerous sun spots. These scientists work for the Al Gore Institute.

New research from Britain found that an unmade bed may be unappealing to dust mites and thus may be healthier than one that is made. Apparently these researchers are not parents.

Boston Celtics guard Ray Allen was 0-for-13 from the field Tuesday night against the Lakers in the NBA championship series. Even BP was giving him advice on how to perform better.

British Petroleum’s 582 page plan for oil spills was riddled with errors and omissions, according to an analysis. Or, as CEO Tony Hayward calls it, "Perfect".

The oldest leather shoe ever found was discovered in Armenia. To which Larry King said, "I've been looking for that!".

A woman on a Continental Airlines flight from Israel to Newark, New Jersey says she was drugged and robbed on the flight. That sounds like something your health insurance company would do to you.

A 600 pound New Jersey woman wants to become the world’s fattest woman by making it to 1,000 pounds. I'm sure her parents will be so proud.

That's all for today! I hope I have more jokes tomorrow!

"Totally Broke"

Joke of the Day: June 3rd was National Repeat Day. In other news, June 3rd was National Repeat Day.

A porn actor suspect of killing a friend moved to the edge of a cliff while evading police and fell to his death. Who knew that Wile E. Coyote was in the porn business?

Researchers are studying the effects of having students stand instead of sit during class. One effect: it makes their cell phones more noticeable when they text.

British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward says he won’t resign and that his company will recover from the Gulf oil spill. This was said after he threw a penny into a fountain at a New Orleans mall.

Sarah Ferguson says she is “totally broke”. Now we know why she made a deal to meet Prince Andrew.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs says that AT&T is improving its network. I guess somebody was able to have a call go through.

A new study says that children of lesbian couples are better adjusted socially and academically than children from traditional families. That's because those kids don't have a dad that could be a bad influence.

Three people were killed and several others injured after a natural gas line in north Texas erupted Monday. To which BP said, "Oh no, not again. There's another gas leak for us to not fix".

An Indonesian census has revealed the possibility of a 157-year old woman. Or, as Larry King calls her, "my granddaughter".

Police said a naked man yelling that he was 'Jesus' was the catalyst for a five-vehicle accident that injured three people and slowed traffic for nearly six hours. The man has been sentenced to death by crucifixion.

Cereal maker Kellogg Co has agreed to drop advertising claims that Rice Krispies will strengthen children's immune systems. Now, it may cause their immune systems to snap, crackle, and pop.

An Australian cafe is claiming a world record after cooking a giant hamburger with a 178 lb patty. It takes 12 hours to cook, four men to flip, and Kirstie Alley to eat.

A Canadian has won a contest for writing the "world's most beautiful tweet." The tweet: After this, I'm going to get a life.

More medical care won't necessarily make you healthier — it may make you sicker. Especially when you look at the hospital bill.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!