"COVID-61"

Because of the coronavirus, many people are practicing better hygiene in order to not contract it. Meanwhile, there’s probably several teenagers out there who hope to actually contract it just so they can get a bunch of social media likes.

Because of the coronavirus, many people are practicing better hygiene in order to not contract it. And this outbreak has been especially wild for the incel community, as many of them had to buy soap for the first time.

New Orleans Saints HC Sean Payton has been diagnosed with coronavirus. It must’ve been easy for him to catch this airborne disease, especially considering his starting QB’s name is Brees.

Vegas has been shut down amid coronavirus fears. So, basically, a man planned to go to Vegas to bet and see when coronavirus quarantines would be over, and Vegas then said, “Hold my beer.”

A 103 year old woman in Iran has survived coronavirus. This is incredibly surprising. A woman in Iran is allowed to live?

Country music star Kenny Rogers has died at the age of 81. Apparently the age of 81 was when Rogers knew when to fold ‘em.

The coronavirus has been linked to bats, an animal known to hang upside down in caves. Which totally explains why COVID-19 was originally COVID-61.

A group of spring breakers in Tampa were diagnosed with the coronavirus. The coronavirus they caught was described as the least deadly disease ever caught while on a Spring break trip.

A man in Arizona died after ingesting a substance that Donald Trump said could treat coronavirus. Though to be fair, the substance was highly heralded by scientists who graduated from Trump University.

The Library of Congress has honored the Village People. It marks the first time in history that Washington D.C. has ever done something nice for a Native American.

Due to the coronavirus outbreak causing business to close, strippers in Portland are delivering themselves to clients’ homes for private dances. This Portland-based delivery service is more commonly known as “WhoreDash”.

An eight year old in Toronto won $200 worth of cannabis products at a youth hockey tournament. After claiming the cannabis prizes, he watched hours of cartoons, ate several bags of potato chips, and laid around for several hours. And then he ingested the pot.

The COVID-19 stimulus bill will give $500 per person’s child in America. In a related story, Antonio Cromartie has a plan to pay off the national debt.

Donald Trump reportedly suggested that the US and Germany should be enemies because of the fact that Germany was an enemy during World War II. This is yet another one of Donald Trump’s ideologies that haven’t evolved beyond the 1940s.

One of the highest ranking officials in the Catholic church has been diagnosed with the coronavirus. In a related story, the coronavirus death toll among altar boys is expected to skyrocket.

Teachers across America have been writing encouraging messages on kids’ driveways in chalk due to schools not being in session. This beats the old way that teachers did it: texting them encouraging messages along with a picture of them in a bikini.

That's all I have for now, from the quarantined month of March. It's been wild to say the least. The world might be ending, and I've done a handful of virtual open mics, but comedy is getting increasingly difficult to focus on. But I'm happy with my friends and family who are extra supportive during this wild time of staying home from comedy shows, DJ nights, trivia nights, etc. Also, I'm officially one fourth of the way to my goal of writing a monologue joke for every day of the year! More jokey jokes coming in April.

"Not An Issue"

Two House Republicans apologized for voting six times even though they had missed on their swearing-in ceremony. Then again, that is the election process for a politician.

“True Grit” was No. 1 at the box office last weekend. This movie tells the story of everything the New Orleans Saints fail to show.

The reality show “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” has not been renewed for a second season. I think the Sarah Palin stereotype played a part in this. Because after all, she was under contract with TLC for two seasons.

David and Victoria Beckham are expecting their fourth child this summer. I thought "Bend It Like Beckham" did not have a double meaning.

David and Victoria Beckham are expecting their fourth child this summer. Because nothing makes Victoria Beckham happier than a really big stomach.

The Catholic Church is upset that kids in Mallorca, Spain printed calendars with nearly nude Biblical scenes as a fundraiser. They hated the name of the calendars even more: The Jewels and the Genitals.

On Tuesday, Verizon will announce that it will soon be selling iPhones. Really Verizon? An announcement for an announcement?

Players and fans were sickened by an odor at a high school basketball game in South Carolina. It's nice to see a Carolina sports team that stinks other than the Panthers.

Nevada Senator Harry Reid says the Tea Party will disappear when the economy improves. In other words, they're gonna be here for a while.

The American Dialect Society has chosen “app” as the Word of the Year. Coming in a close second: refudiate.

Bjork is leading a protest against an Icelandic energy deal with a karaoke marathon. In response, the Icelandic energy deal said, "You win".

Somalis say that Islamist insurgents have banned unrelated men and women from shaking hands, speaking or walking together. You know what Americans call that three part process? Meeting a hooker.

67% of “American Idol” viewers say the best days of the show are over. Well, of course the best days are over. One of the judges is the Geico caveman.

A study says economic insecurity boosts obesity. Well that just about defines America there, doesn't it?

Sylvia Bursztyn, the crossword puzzle maker for the Los Angeles Times, has died. She will be buried right next to that one word that you just can't figure out.

A study says that weight is not an issue for obese women when it comes to getting pregnant by using fertility drugs. The issue is being able to tell if they are pregnant or not.

Gwyneth Paltrow says she suffered from postpartum depression after the birth of her second child. Apparently "partum" is Latin for "career".

New York City has 50,000 tons of uncollected garbage. 30,000 tons of the garbage consists of bandages from actors who star in "Spiderman: The Musical".

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Meaner Than She Thought"

Research shows that colors described by people as to how they feel can indicate if they are happy or depressed. We know that, it's called the "Mood Ring".

A record 106.5 Million Americans watched the Super Bowl, making it the most viewed TV program ever. It surpassed the series finale of M*A*S*H, which ironically, was what the New Orleans defense did to Peyton Manning.

A record 106.5 Million Americans watched the Super Bowl, making it the most viewed TV program ever. The sad part: There was a bigger interest in the commercials than the actual game.

Even women watched the Super Bowl. They became especially interested once they saw Oprah.

Nancy Kerrigan's family is disputing the autopsy report on their father's death after a fight. Nancy claimed that she was aiming for Tonya Harding.

A majority of the top-grossing films in recent years have featured food and beverage product placements -- with junk food and fast-food restaurants grabbing most of the starring roles, a new study finds. In a related story, President Obama plans to dispute this study with an executive order called "Operation Twilight".

Ellen DeGeneres, the newest judge on "American Idol," says Simon Cowell is "meaner" than she thought. And she wasn't even at the auditions.

Speedy outfielder Willy Taveras has been released by the Oakland Athletics. Can you find ANY statement to be more ironic?

San Antonio Spurs guard George Hill is apologizing for nude pictures of himself that were recently posted online. At least it wasn't Grant Hill.

A North Carolina court has temporarily stopped the security rules that a judge issued for the retrieval of the John Edwards sex tape. That's because when it comes to John Edwards, there are no rules.

That's it for now! Congrats to Drew Brees and the Saints on their Super Bowl victory!

"International Flirting Week"

Hello everyone! Here are my jokes for today, February 8th.

The Saints defeated the Colts in Super Bowl XLIV by a score of 31-17. By force of habit, the Lombardi trophy put on an 'Aints paper bag.

Government owned GMAC lost $5 Billion in the 4th quarter. The loss is largely due to the fact that their name starts with GM.

Golfer Phil Mickelson's bid to buy 105 Nashville area Waffle Houses for $20 Million was turned down. Apparently Mickelson isn't their type.

A judge threatened to handcuff a former John Edwards aide if he did not turn over the former senator’s sex tape. Either way, John's favorite fantasy is going to be played out.

Monday is the first day of International Flirting Week. Or, in Mark Sanford's case, "Flirting International".

Many government employees get Monday off in honor of Abe Lincoln's birthday. Wait, since when does the government have on-days?

A 3-year old with a prosthetic leg has donated it to Haiti. Ironically, the three year old will be rewarded with breakfast at IHOP.

There is a new Brett Favre Wrangler Jeans commercial for the Super Bowl. In it, Favre says that he is comfortable in Wrangler, yet completely uncomfortable in the pocket.

Former child television star Gary Coleman is scheduled for appearance in a Utah court. I am positive he's going to be in the court that day, but I still wonder if he'll appear.

-How did "The Who" come up with their name?
-Their guitarist's hearing aid broke while someone was making a suggestion, and he said, "Wait, the who?"

A new study suggests that beer may be good for your bones. And if you drink enough, your b***r.

Well, that's it for now. More to come tomorrow!