"Large Quantities"

A poll says that half of all Germans are obese or overweight. I'm not saying it's bad, but every time someone does a Nazi salute, they have a cheeseburger in their hand.

A new book says that President Obama and Mitt Romney got their health care ideas from President Nixon. That explains why there are approximately six f-bombs per page.

The Screen Actors Guild is telling IMDb.com to stop publishing actors’ ages on their website. I'm guessing this is an organization run by older women.

The FDA says that eating black licorice in large quantities can cause heart problems. Also, drinking in large quantities can cause liver failure.

Jack Hanna called the killing of the exotic animals in Ohio "the 9/11 of the animal world". To be fair, it did involve a lunatic that killed himself.

Jack Hanna called the killing of the exotic animals in Ohio "the 9/11 of the animal world". The difference between the animal killings and the actual 9/11 is that nobody cares about animals.

Lady Gaga is going to perform at an Indian Formula One racing event. She should have performed at the Indiana State Fair.

A boy in Pennsylvania died after smoking synthetic pot. The theme to his funeral will be "he had it coming".

That's all I have for today! More coming later!

"Joined Foursquare"

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie turns 49 on Tuesday. Don't expect the cake to last very long.

Snooki from "Jersey Shore" says her weight loss secret is drinking vodka. Wait, what weight loss?

Dick Cheney says in his memoirs that in the first hours after 9/11 "we were living in the fog of war". Literally.

An Australian airline offered discounts to passengers after a man died on an 11-hour flight. I'm not very keen on their new slogan: "We hope you like ghosts".

Honda has recalled 962,000 cars due to defects with power windows, saying there is a possibility of melting them and catching fire. Also, members of the Tea Party were given a free Honda.

President Obama has joined Foursquare. If you don't know what Foursquare is, good. Neither do I.

There is a famine in Somalia. Maybe those Somalian pirates could go fishing sometime soon.

That's all I have for today! Sorry I'm not posting very often. I'm either busy on Facebook (yeah, busy), or posting to my Twitter account (@GroperCleveland - follow me). I'll try to get better. Anyway, more coming soon!

"Spousal Support"

Singer Amy Winehouse has died at age 27. I'm guessing overdose.

An alleged Marilyn Monroe sex tape is being reported. If you thought that was weird, it was taped about a week ago.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is trying to avoid paying spousal support for Maria Shriver. Who knew the Governator was black? (I'm so sorry)

A judge told Lindsay Lohan to speed up with her community service. To which Lohan responded, "You had me at speed".

Jennifer Lopez reportedly almost left Marc Anthony in 2009 for an affair he had with a flight attendant. If you cheat on Jennifer Lopez, it's time to take a trip to the mental hospital.

34 New Jersey schools are being investigated for cheating on standardized tests. This explains how the cast of Jersey Shore graduated high school.

Blockbuster says it will keep 90% of its stores open. To which Borders says, "Yeah. Good luck with that one".

A report says that one out of four Americans say they have participated in binge drinking. The other three are of legal age to drink.

Justin Bieber says he is taking a month off so he can “grow up”. Dude, I think you're gonna need about ten years.

Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer says she is too poor to pay for a psychologist. The only thing poor about Lindsay Lohan is her acting.

The WHO says that going to the hospital is far riskier than flying. "You've gotta be kidding me," said September 11, 2001.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Day off today

I apologize to the faithful reader that I have, but I will be taking a day off today. It's quite unfortunate that it has to be on 9/11, a day filled with sadness, but I just don't feel like writing any jokes for today. However, there is one that I wrote a while ago that is good for today. (no insensitivity intended)

September 11th is No News Is Good News Day. September 11th? Bad News? Nooooo...

We will never forget!

"Talking With Slurred Speech"

Joke of the Day: Rock singer and TV reality star Bret Michaels remained in critical condition, but was conscious and talking with slurred speech. You know, like his on-stage performances.

President Barack Obama made a pilgrimage Sunday to evangelist Billy Graham's mountainside home, and they prayed together. When Obama started praying, Graham said, "Look, I'm an evangelist, not a miracle worker".

A terrorist suspect said that al-Qaida recently ordered a suicide attack in New York City. Ooh! Ooh! Let me name this one: Operation September 11th 2.0.

Police have arrested a Hindu holy man with thousands of followers across India and abroad after video footage emerged last month allegedly showing him frolicking with two women. This is shocking. Holy men have sex with women?

A team of surgeons has carried out the world's first full-face transplant. Unfortunately, it wasn't on Susan Boyle.

A buggy antivirus update from security vendor McAfee caused corporate customers' Windows XP machines to endlessly crash and reboot. McAfee has been sued by millions of people for redundancy.

Security researchers revealed this week that they recently discovered a hacker who is selling the user names and passwords for 1.5 million Facebook accounts. The hacker then realized that people can register and create their own for free.

That's all for now. Lots more tomorrow!