"Attacking A Policeman"

Conan O’Brien lost one third of his viewers the second night of his new show. Mainly because his viewers realized that if they wanted to watch a drunk white guy make an ass of himself, they could just watch Letterman.

An Illinois woman is accused of attacking a policeman with a sex toy. In other words, she just stole the officer's handcuffs.

NBA player Gilbert Arenas admitted that he once defecated in a teammate’s shoes. And you thought the Wizards were crap before.

A nearly 300-foot tower being demolished in Ohio fell the wrong direction and scared people. Especially the people inside the building.

A Virginia bill is asking for a special license plate commemorating the Tea Party. It's for cars that only turn to the right.

Amazon is no longer selling a controversial guide for pedophiles. The book is called, "Becoming a Priest: For Dummies".

A study says that people are happiest when they are having sex, exercising and talking to other people. No wonder I'm such a grouch.

A study says that people’s minds wander 47% of the time. In fact, it ...

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"An Alleged Miracle"

Joke of the Day: A study says that brass instruments can cause lung disease. Especially when you play them.

A Florida church has vowed to go ahead with its “Burn a Koran Day”. In response, Al-Qaeda said that their number one target is now retirement communities.

Tiger Woods has been named to the US Ryder Cup team. Tiger then said that he thought that Ryder meant something totally different.

The University of Baltimore is offering a course on “Zombies”. Well, they dropped it back in 1992, but now, the University of Baltimore is glad that it came back to life.

Doctors are analyzing an alleged miracle involving Pope John Paul II. He's dead. If Pope John Paul II does anything, it's a miracle.

The Tea Party continues to post negative ratings. In other news, Osama bin Laden says that he doesn't like the United States.

Research shows that young adults are staying away form the stock market. Maybe you don't have to be old to be wise.

A study says that Facebook can lower grades by 20%. Even the scientists who did this study were stunned. Our grades can get lower?

New research says that even bugs have their own individual personalities. In addition, 99% of that personality involves them annoying the hell out of us.

One Million French people took to the streets to protest an increase in the retirement age. To which Americans said, "What's a retirement age?".

A zoo in England put a 200-pound orangutan on a diet and exercise after her previous owner fed her nothing but marshmallows and candy. You know a monkey needs help when they don't even eat bananas.

“America's Got Talent” judge Piers Morgan will take over for Larry King on CNN in January. They are actually very different. One is a grumpy old man who thinks that he deserves to be famous, and the other one is Larry King.

A Kentucky farmer says his corn is popping while still on the stalk, a phenomenon agricultural experts are blaming on low rainfall and high heat. This must explain why corn pops in the microwave.

That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!

"Kids Using Smokeless Tobacco"

Joke of the Day: New York City's oldest library says one of its ledgers shows that George Washington has racked up 220 years' worth of late fees on two books he borrowed, but never returned. As a method of showing off his fame, George will pay his late fees entirely in one dollar bills.

Pope Benedict XVI celebrated his 83rd birthday with a cake. And priests celebrated with a nice sandwich.

Pope Benedict XVI celebrated his 83rd birthday with a cake. All the choir boys were on hand to sing Happy Birthday. And I'm N' Luv.

7-11 will start selling its own private label beer called “Game Day”. It's the perfect way to tell your friends, "I'm a sports fan. And completely broke."

An army medic successfully performed the Heimlich Maneuver on a woman at a Yankees baseball game. And yet, the medic couldn't stop the Yankees from choking.

Larry King has allegedly had an affair with his wife’s sister for years, according to staffers. This is being described as the "It's not my fault" maneuver.

A judge has ruled that a National Day of Prayer is unconstitutional. Atheists are calling this a miracle.

Health experts say that Major League Baseball is to blame for kids using smokeless tobacco. This is not true at all. The MLB is using it all.

Organizers of the Tea Party demonstrations on tax day say they wanted to keep the group from presenting a message of extremism. Well that worked out well.

A U.N. commission blames bad security on the assassination of Pakistan Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto in 2007. This is odd. Who knew the US had security working in Pakistan.

The Obamas earned $5.5 Million in 2009. And they don't even have to pay for a house.

The NFL is helping to produce a Broadway play about Vince Lombardi. To which married men everywhere said, "I'm not buying it".

Volcanic ash from Icelandic eruptions have grounded flights across Europe. This has gotten so bad that in Europe, Southwest Airlines is only able to make three stop-offs per trip.

Thai troops armed with assault rifles have moved to block Bangkok's prime business district from thousands of anti-government protesters. I'm guessing when you think of the prime business of Bangkok, would prostitution come to mind?

New York City's oldest library says one of its ledgers shows that George Washington has racked up 220 years' worth of late fees on two books he borrowed, but never returned. And thus, national debt was born.

A San Francisco crime lab is at the center of a growing scandal after a woman who worked there snorted cocaine that was supposed to be evidence. And as punishment, Lindsay Lohan has been fired.

President Barack Obama's spokesman says Twitter site is an "amazing tool" and a "fabulous medium." You know, like Monica Lewinsky.

That's all for now! More upcoming.